The carrier of carriers. A tribute to Terry Pratchett
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@crlegge
The carrier of carriers. A tribute to Terry Pratchett
It will come when you call
Originally posted at: https://blog.chrislegge.com/it-will-come-when-you-call/
I'm a deeply angry person. Not that I have a temper or anything like that, quite the opposite actually.[^1] No, it's more of a deeply ingrained anger at the world. I've come to find out it's described as an "autistic sense of justice". It's deep anger at my core about the way the world works and the injustices around us.
I was also extremely emotionally repressed for a large part of my life. No negative emotions were allowed in my mind. I was "above that". Eventually the negative emotions would build up, as they always do, and find new ways to come out. New health complications. Sure. Get into a fight on the phone with my brother and hurt my hand slamming my fist into the ground or punching a wall I knew I couldn't damage? All the time. Bite my nails and pick my cuticles until they bleed? Absolutely.
I hated that I couldn't control it. I would think “I should be better than that” and repressed harder. I followed this cycle of internal abuse until a few things happened. First I started seeing my now spouse who accepted me for who I was, not who I "should" be. Second, I first read what is now my favorite book, Night Watch by Terry Pratchett.
You do the job that's in front of you.
How did a fantasy book help me? Well, first you need to understand something about the book and the author.
Night Watch is the 29th book in the Discworld series, but it's also part of a sub series about the City Watch of the Disc's largest city. It was instantly my favorite sub-series. The arc of its main character, Sam Vimes, is one of the best I've ever read. He goes from being an alcoholic police sergeant to a man who reforms the profession for his city and, eventually, much of the wider world as well. Vimes would be the first person to say ACAB and that there’s a better way to do good than just "being a copper". He spends the length of the series moving the world to be better around him out of sheer force of will. One step at a time.
Then there's Terry Pratchett, who himself had a very righteous indignation and anger at the injustices of the world. I can't speak to whether he was neurodivergent or not, but I felt a real connection with this restrained, directed anger. I wanted that level of control that he seemed to have and that he wrote into his character.
It’s a real soldiers’ song: sentimental, with dirty bits.
The Glorious 25th of May is an extremely important day in the book. It's the date of a failed revolution that Vimes and several characters were a part of and they all hold a day of remembrance for it every year, wearing lilacs as symbol of their shared experience.
The story follows Vimes getting sent back in time and taking on the role of the sergeant who taught his younger self how to be a better person and not give in to what he called "The Beast" (the unrestrained anger that he knew would destroy everything if he let it). This builds up to the Glorious 25th and the formation of the People's Republic of Treacle Mine Road.
There’s a lot of humor and absurdity in the course of the story, but there’s so much heart and sentimentality as well. There are parts I still cry over even though I’ve read it dozens of times. There are passages I think about when things are dark and seem like they will never get better. When I feel like I'm going to lose myself in the anger, I think of two parts in particular.
"When we break down, it all breaks down. That’s just how it works. You can bend it, and if you make it hot enough you can bend it in a circle, but you can’t break it. When you break it, it all breaks down until there’s nothing unbroken."
That stays with me, but it didn't rewire part of my brain the way another did.
Hold it back! Tame it! Don't waste it!
There is a scene that resonates with me in a way that it has basically become a core belief of mine. Vimes is stopping his younger self from giving into the anger he feels at a jailer who committed unspeakable acts. Before The Beast wins, he steps in at the last minute and says, in my opinion, one the best lines of all time:
“No! That’s not the way! This is not the time! Hold it back! Tame it! Don’t waste it! Send it back! It’ll come when you call!”
I read that when I was discovering more about my anger and it all clicked. The anger I felt could be put to better use than just being locked away and forgotten about until it came out in uncontrollable ways. I could use it, direct it, not be a slave to it like I had seen in others so many times before.
This sentiment is continued in the next book in the series, Thud. In it there is a mental representation of this idea, called The Guarding Dark. It's how Vimes keeps himself in check when it would be easier to just let everything go and let The Beast take control. It results in a scar on his arm after he resisted being overtaken by the Summoning Dark (a spirit of vengeance).
All of this felt like a way forward when I read it. I found myself trying to overcome the anger not by repressing it and pretending it wasn’t there, but instead acknowledging it and trying to find a use for it. Let it fuel my art. Turn it into kindness for others. Give it a purpose. Drive me to be better than I was before.
They were remembering who they were not singing it with.
Terry Pratchett fans have been using the 25th of May as a kind of day of memorial since his passing in 2015. People wear lilacs and talk about how much both the book and Pratchett's other work means to them. I was already in the habit of rereading Night Watch in May, but I make sure I do it every year since then. It's cathartic and feels important that I do it.
Now, every year on the 25th of May, my partner and I wear lilacs. What's more, for the last couple of years I've been wearing the lilac everyday. You see, when I got my first tattoo I wanted to be something important, something that keeps me, me. So, there was only really one choice: I have a lilac sprig and a representation of the Guarding Dark on my arm. It's there to make sure I never forget who I am and why I'm here.
With everything going on in the world, this country, and my life in general, I'll admit my tolerance window has been very small. The emotions are always close to bubbling over lately. So, when I'm close to letting them take control, I have taken to tapping my arm where the tattoo is. It reminds me who is in control and the overwhelming feeling recedes.
Tame it. Don't waste it. It will come when you call.
¹ It's actually very difficult for my anger to rise to the surface. So much so that a friend I used to work with made it his mission to make me mad so he could see it. At one point he walked into my office, saw papers on my desk, and slid them off with the back of his hand like a cat knocking something off a counter. He stood there in defiance for a second and I went back to work. Exasperated, he picked up and organized the paper (it was just a random jumble when I had them on my desk before). He said a few swears and left the room. Poor guy still hasn't seen me get mad to this day.
A place that doesn't exist
I've made so many attempts over the years to write a blog, but none of them really stuck. Now that I'm embracing the writing side of my creativity, I wanted to try again. So here's the first post I made at the beginning of the year. I'll be posting the rest over time and new posts will come out sometime after they go up on the main blog.
I'm still experimenting with how to share these, so please bear with me.
Originally posted at: https://blog.chrislegge.com/a-place-that-doesnt-exist/
A thing that anyone who has spent any time with me will be able to tell you: I pace. I pace when I think. I pace when I'm waiting for something. I pace when my ADHD meds are wearing off. I pace a lot. I know now about things like bilateral stimulation and how neurodivergent minds like mine process things, but for most of my life it was just one of those things that helped make me "eccentric".
One day, when I was thinking about something particularly hard and doing my best to wear a hole in the carpet, I realized a now former friend (former for unrelated reasons...) was looking at me intently. I asked them what was up, but didn't stop. They asked "What are you doing when you pace?". Without hesitation I said, "I'm walking to a place that doesn't exist" and kept thinking about whatever it was that was consuming my attention.
Now, this was simultaneously, in their mind, the most profound thing I had ever said and something that I should absolutely be embarrassed about. I spent a long time dealing with the "I'm just trying to help" advice that mostly boiled down to me not conforming enough in their eyes.
So, as I was finally deciding to setup a home for my writing and other thoughts, I struggled with the name. I had a Terry Pratchett quote to start with and previous attempts at this in college and shortly after mostly used Mountain Goats or Weakerthans lyrics. That wouldn't work this time though, it needed to be me for once. Suddenly, it was obvious.
"Walking to a place that doesn't exist"
I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm not quite up to snuff. Never quite good enough. Thanks to friends, family (some anyway), and most of all my amazing partner, I'm slowly beating my imposter syndrome into submission. This title is me planting a flag and saying "This is me, and what I do has value. If that's not your cup of tea, no hard feelings." It's a fixed point for my brain to latch on to and build scaffolding around. To establish shelters for myself on the path. The place may not exist, but the journey is always worth the attempt.
Chuck Jones is the best counterexample to “the curtains are just blue” because you would not believe the amount of thought and art theory he put into his silly little cartoons
I need to dig out my Chuck Jones books but one time he was talking about the Wile E Coyote gag where he runs off a cliff and continues running for a little bit before noticing there’s no ground underneath him and then turns to the camera and holds up a sign saying “Help!” before plummeting and Jones said the reason Coyote does that instead of immediately trying to get back to the cliff edge is bc Coyote embodies anxiety and in that particular moment represents the fear and worry about the judgement of others over and above the desire for self-preservation.
Like, if someone was told that interpretation without knowing any better they’d think it came from some pretentious academic or whatever but nope! It’s literally the creator like those are the thoughts he had in his head when he was creating the cartoons
"Vimes was ready. He grabbed the boy, swung him round, and twisted the thing out of his hand before murder was done.
'No! That’s not the way! This is not the time! Hold it back! Tame it! Don’t waste it! Send it back! It’ll come when you call!'”
Of all the quotes from Night Watch, this is the one that means the most to me.
I spent most of my life suppressing a lot of anger, despite looking like a very calm individual. In true neurodivergent fashion, I didn't even realize it myself until it started affecting my health.
I read the City Watch series at a time when I was coming to terms with this, and it helped me feel normal. It also helped show me a better way to deal with it: don't repress it, don't give into it, hold it until it can be redirected into something good. Don't waste it.
Every time I give in to despair I read a Pratchett book. Well, when one is available near me.
Because those books are full of anger at the world and the state it's in. Real, actual, barely-concealed beneath clever puns anger. It's a rage, not the pretty "i'm mad" calligraphied in the page in white ink. It's something like "I'm angry and you should be, too" scribbled in red ink over the pages.
But these books are so kind. So hopeful. And it's not mindless kindness, either. It's not "I'm kind until it's not easy or convenient to be anymore". It's actual kindness from people who are angry but turn that into fierce, deliberate, stubborn kindness. And of course you can despair but you can also turn it into anger and then the kind of fierce kindness that you can change the world with.
These books were so important for me growing up, still are. I literally wouldn't be the same person without them. And I reread Night Watch today, as one does, and the terrible fairness of Sam Vimes struck me. The world is a terrible, unfair place, he said, and I'm not participating in that. I'm not adding misery to it. I'm gonna be fair and I'm gonna be good if it kills me. (the same goes, of course, with Granny. It's about choosing to be good. It's about being good if it kills you. It's about desperately hoping and never letting go)
Truth, Justice, Freedom, Reasonably-Priced Love and a Hard-Boiled Egg. And by gods if we aren't going to fight to get it.
The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main
Happy Glorious 25th!
I just released the ashcan of my TTRPG "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main". Inspired by Terry Pratchett's book "Night Watch", it explores the idea that a successful revolution might not look like what you expect.
A group of people are caught up in a revolution that is destined to fail, but they are going to do everything they can to make a positive change in the time they have left. While trying to delay being overrun by the opposition, the players will need to work together to achieve their goals. The game is GM-less with options for solo and duet play.
What impact will you make with the time you have left?
What impact will you make with the time you have left?
Playtest for "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main"
Hey everyone, I'm looking for playtesters for a new(/old) game.
Inspired by Terry Pratchett's book "Night Watch", "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main" explores the idea that a successful revolution might not look like what you expect.
If would like to playtest Lumberwood Studios upcoming game "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main" please fill out this form. About the game:
The players are caught up in a revolution that is destined to fail, but they are going to do everything they can to make a positive change in the time they have left. While trying to delay being overrun by the opposition, they need to work together to achieve their goals.
The game is GM-less with options for solo and duet play. If you don't think you will have time to play the game anytime soon, I'd still love to hear your thoughts on it.
I've been working on this in tandem with Lethe, and aim to have it out in time for The Glorious 25th.
Rebloging for the night crew.
Playtest for "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main"
Hey everyone, I'm looking for playtesters for a new(/old) game.
Inspired by Terry Pratchett's book "Night Watch", "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main" explores the idea that a successful revolution might not look like what you expect.
If would like to playtest Lumberwood Studios upcoming game "The Peoples Republic of 25th & Main" please fill out this form. About the game:
The players are caught up in a revolution that is destined to fail, but they are going to do everything they can to make a positive change in the time they have left. While trying to delay being overrun by the opposition, they need to work together to achieve their goals.
The game is GM-less with options for solo and duet play. If you don't think you will have time to play the game anytime soon, I'd still love to hear your thoughts on it.
I've been working on this in tandem with Lethe, and aim to have it out in time for The Glorious 25th.
reading terry prattchet is so crazy, cause you'll be reading about a character called something like plinko plonko and their zany exploits, and then he'll just drop a paragraph that goes so insanely hard like -
and then I just have to stare at the wall for a bit.
“The Easter Bussy is offering up affordable, reliable and convenient service for all to see and enjoy, so go ahead and DO put all your eggs in one basket […]”
Shout-out to my hometown for waiting until I moved over a thousand miles away to do the funniest thing they have ever done.
there’s a bit in pratchett’s going postal where someone accuses the protagonist of indirectly causing 2.338 statistical deaths. recently it’s made me wonder, did pterry ever think about the lives he saved, himself? the people pulled out of the dark by his writing, in the same kind of fractions and possibilities? the people who survived by kindness that was only offered because he made each of us a little bit better?
he saved a piece of my life. without discworld, i would have been a little less likely to have made it this far. we talk about how he’s not really dead while his name’s still spoken, and a lot of the time we reference that same book when we do. but he’s alive in so much more than that. there’s a bit of his voice in every breath i take, because i don’t know for certain i’d be taking it if not for him.
and i think… don’t we all have that power? maybe the world would be a better place if we all understood that one well-placed kindness is all it takes to save a piece of a life.
ok so these new tariffs are likely going to be primarily affecting red states. i want y’all to ignore the urge to respond by saying the people in those red states deserve it because of the political representation we have. not because some of us are progressives but because this is an opportunity. if conservatives from these states start complaining about higher prices and financial strain, do not respond with “well you voted for this!” this is your opportunity to pull them to the center. say “wow that is really awful. i’m sure this isn’t what you wanted when you voted last year. you deserve representatives that will have your best interests at heart, you should let them know how upset you are! you deserve to be heard!”
because listen to me. republican politicians don’t give a shit about what progressives in red states have to say. they aren’t gonna change their voting trends for us. but if a bunch of small town conservatives start to get restless and angry with their politicians, if they lose support from their most important demographics, that has a shot at changing things. so swallow your pride and disgust and have a conversation with that republican truck driver instead of taking the pot shot that’ll get you 10 minutes of dopamine. do the hard work.
new year new mountain goats
여어- 히싸씨부리 ( ɔ̸ᴉʇɐ͟N͞さんのツイート )
“NAFTER NOON!”
Every. Time. Every single time. I always get so delighted by this picture set. And I always forget what it’s followed up by. And then I see the “NAFTER NOON!” and absolutely lose it. I’m so glad this post exists.