a life update (tldr: my life is about the same!)
dear bloggy land that is sort of a deserted wasteland…..
i do miss bloggin here! if you can call it that…life updating… i sort of wonder if it were ever something i could consistently do with my life again if tumblr is the right place for this anymore (as if it ever was…)….as it seems we've all mostly jumped ship… i don't really read tumblr anymore, it's been rare occasions, and when i do use tumblr i've sort of turned it into an art inspiration base for me- which makes catching up on friends blogs hard (i guess i should maybe make a favorites browser tab instead of relying on any tumblr feeds). livejournal was so much better (filters and so many privacy settings- why did we all leave!! ugh).
anyway just not really the best platform for writing and reading others blogs espc if you clog yr feed up with art posts by strangers as i have been doing here. maybe i will make a come back to tumblr- reading and posting! but it seems unlikely, i can barely get anything i want done each day,, so tumblr falls to the bottom of the list. another factor is that i have had the same smart phone since 2014….? (An iphone 4!!) and it's been getting harder and harder to use because outdated technology shit :( maybe i'll get a new phone this year and it will change my life.
to analyze further i think being more single plays a role in my tumblr/internet use. having a partner who i hang with 4 nights a week makes for a lot less net time,,, i never have time to internet chat or catch up on blogs, and i kind of associate having more time for that with being lonely and more sad…. just personally, it's a me thing. also seattle has lots of fun shows and events, so theres rarely a dull night- when i do have dull nights like tonight (before i work an early AM shift at the job) i usually work on an art or music project.
anyway hmmm so much has happened since i stopped blogging so i don't know where to start.
i'm not in the mostly male pop punk band anymore. it was not a good fit. i'm sad because i loved having the opportunity to play really cool bass parts, tour, the music was good, there was so much potential and i think things could have gotten better and i could have grown as a musician with that project….. but some things were wrong-- bad communication, personality clashing that i don't rly understand, resistance to adventure, and maybe less patience with giving me a chance to a grow because i'm a baby on guitars… i can't really delve into it too far bc tumblr is so public and i've already said too much). part of it is really sad, and i hate seeing the band name on my FB feed or thinking about it right now- it's like a break up….
but i do think it is best for me to focus on my personal projects and dreams instead, and to not feel like i have zero control/helpless in situations like i was… it's hard because my dreams move so slow and that punk band was already in somewhat a place i dream of being! but it will be better this way…
i started a new band (FFC) that is more like a solo project, like my athens band but its going to be so much better than before- i can feel it. i hope to put my all into it, i hope we can tour eventually, make albums, music videos, etc, we already have a lot of songs in the works (nearly 6! we started in january), and it sounds so good at practice, i can't wait to play shows with this group.
i also have the group band (JC) from when i first moved here still going. but it's been kind of slow, moving more slowly than i would like to and i don't really know if we are ever going to move at the pace i would like to- though we are moving along a little more now this month than we had been recently (we have 2 shows! yay~). also the songs are very pretty but have a somewhat different tone than the new band (FFC)- which makes me glad i have both outlets and both bands to follow dreams with and share with the world. FFC is darker and a little heavier than JC.
anyway i realize all my band dreams and talk are forever so childish… and like how old am i? i battle everyday and have for years with how childish and selfish my life is! when will i grow up! i have made family promises to make a big life change in 2018 and i'm fuckin scared it means abandoning all that i want to make happen right now. the changes being go back to school to get real skills for a real job, or get a better job in general. if i'm not getting health benefits/salary from a job my family feels i am digging a deep ditch for myself. i know they are right i suppose but i've always been able to take care of myself. i've asked for zero hand outs or help. i've been able to see doctors (thank you obamacare) and afford everything i need and still have some savings that grow (though slowly). i'm still low income, and considered very poor by america's standards, but i don't need a lot to survive personally. and that's part of this whole weirdo DIY art world vibe i surround myself with- being less fueled by capitalism and allowing myself to make more art and music and live my life for myself, my heart.
but then i realize that working part time in food service isn't necessarily allowing me that much more freedom anyway- so why am i forever holding myself back? on the one hand it allows me to take off time to tour and travel in ways i couldn't with a 9-5 as much as i would want- but the funny thing is that i hardly do tour or travel half as much as i dream to- to use that allowance! but that's why i'm scared- i'm scared to be held back even further, though i always am. these new bands are the last hope for me i guess, but the big change promises for 2018 loom over me. i have to do something different because i promised. i don't know what i will do yet. i just keep going to band practices and hope we can get our shit together and tour somehow before that year hits.
and on the other side of it all is my art stuff… i want to be making more! i want to be making so much more art, a new drawing every week at least! but i struggle because work and other passions exhaust me. i feel that art is my actual true calling and i see the joy it brings to people and it makes me so happy. i want to be able to fill up many books with pages, and walls with framed pieces… but i am so slow… averaging one piece a month… and sometimes that piece is very small… i have been avoiding asking for commissions to motivate me (though i will never ever say no to being asked because i do love to do them!) - because i think it would be really good to build up a portfolio of work that comes from my own ideas for a while. but it's been slow going. sometimes music is the problem for that- it's hard to balance both passions in my life. i know that when i give up on music or grow old though, i will be able to dedicate so much more time and love to art. i still wish i could now though, and that struggle is always there.
i bought a scanner recently, and i'm very excited about having that resource.
it's funny how i know that almost everything i've written here about art and music is the same stuff i've been writing here since….2012 (?)… nothing ever changes huh? i want to make more, do more, be less tired, have more time, and dreams to come true-
i have to remind myself sometimes how *blessEd* i am though, that i have a loving partner, my sweet cat (who is 12), cheap housing, decent work, supportive friends and community, and some dreams that do come true in small doses. it's easy to forget sometimes.
i had a dream my partner left me last night. the heartbreak i felt, it was so heavy and real that when i woke up at 5 AM i could not believe the dream was only dream. i felt so sick in my heart with pain in a way i hadn't felt in a long time- since i was single last… i had forgotten how that pain feels, like a knife. it's weird how dreams can feel so real and bring up such emotions randomly. it made me realize how much i need to not take things for granted and be more appreciative of everything i have.
yeah, so i do have miraculously cheap rent in seattle. it's an incredibly lucky thing and i think i should probably milk it for all that i can. my landlord is 87 though and i just can't imagine i will have this situation for very long. feels like i'm sitting on a ticking time bomb, everything could fall apart in an instant. i am trying to be careful and stay alert. i may move this year. so i can live with J, but i also may stay so i can keep this situation for as long as possible. but it's all scary and i just hope with great care and persistence i can stay safe, lucky, and affordably housed always.
other life things- today i did some ceramics with my friend C at her studio, making more little animals to hopefully sell at shows. yay. i need to do that again more! it's so fun.
i'm seeing teenage fanclub this month, and a few days later at the end of the month i'm going to hawaii for a week. WHICH IS A DREAM COME TRUE, for real and i'm so grateful. J has family in maui that we can stay with for free- and if you go in an off season tickets from seattle are pretty cheap. it's going to be incredible. i've made it my life’s ambition to have one great beautiful trip per year (Especially if touring never happens), last year was california- this yeah hawaii. amazing! i hope one day we will do europe… asia…south america… dreams…we are starting small
but yeah, my life hasn't changed much. i'm doing all the same things really. i do go on little adventures with J bi weekly- and i wish i had blogs/journals about all our little trips! we visit unseen parks or neighborhood spots, or sometimes leave town. recently we traipsed around tacoma, WA and visited his newborn baby nephew. i think we will go see his mom's family this week in oly bc she asked us to visit. sometimes there are exciting music or non music events or really sweet moments with friends and magical gatherings. winter blues have been hitting me heavy heavy and hard- oh so hard- spring and summer are like fucking life miracle beacons of light to me now-- but i will survive and each warm month will feel like dancing on stars!
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