I feel empty unable to keep my eyes shut for too long. Staring up at my unchanging ceiling willing myself to sleep, I focus on ever detail I can as I've done many times before. My eyes move from the wooden panels above to the cobwebs in the corner just left of me. Sleep never comes, instead restlessness takes over as I will myself to sit up, but I cannot budge, exhaustion pulling fast on the reins keep my limbs from even flinching. It seems my eyelids are the only thing capable of doing anything, that, and my ever moving mind. My mind bounces from mistake after mistake, showing flashes from earlier today. Ugh I whine inwardly, if only my mind would put more energy towards thinking during the day instead of keeping me awake at night. How silly of me to think I could ever walk up to Tom without fumbling, he's untouchable. My mind continues to betray me in more ways than one. Allowing me to dream of having a chance with him, but he would never choose a silly girl like me, not over his girlfriend, never and most certainly not now, not after the incident today. First I walk up to Tom and his little clan my words topple from my lips faster than I can clamp my hands over them. The words still echo through my being, a continued curse reminding me how naive I am. "Tom, I still I love you," the words numb my brain as the replay over and over. His girlfriend, Anne, is right there glaring at me for the fool I don't deny to be along with his friends, Robbie and James, and any other on lookers who just happened to hear. The words that sting the most, etching cuts through my whole being, driving deeper my insecurities like daggers as Anne says, "isn't it so sweet, the weird girl has a crush!" I don't know why I even bothered mustering up the courage to do this, what did I expect? For Tom to choose me? My muscles still twitching in sheer annoyance with myself. The look of confusion all over his face. I don't know why I continue to try with these people, maybe I am as James snickered, " you're weird and should just give up Sage." But I know that deep down somewhere, I still believe. I believe that one day I will stop being an embarrassment and that I can find a way to belong. I've been alone for so long I don't think I'd know how to act normal if given the chance. But maybe one day all that will change, who knows, I could be normal, maybe if I try harder. I don't know what I'm doing, but it's nice to share in the company of hope. Willing a feeble smile to cross my face, I allow myself to hope as I gaze up at the familiar cobwebs and wooden panels of my ceiling through tear stained eyes. I don't make a move to wipe at the tears trickling down my cheekbones to graze my ears, not that I could as my limbs are still limp as ever at my side. I let my eyelids fall slowly. Comforted, by my tears of false hope I finally let my mind relent its torturous replays of the past events, and waves of calm wash over me. Sleep comes and takes me away, my dreams still filled with Tom and who I truly know him to be, the boy who I grew up with.
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