What the fuck is the god damn point of remaining on this god forsaken planet?
Honestly.

Andulka
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Kiana Khansmith

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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@cruxism
What the fuck is the god damn point of remaining on this god forsaken planet?
Honestly.
KMS
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Dear god please let this be the end of it. I donât want another relationship ever again. Sick of being alienated and having my friends deal with the bullshit. Hate lying but I donât care what kind of person he thinks I am as long as he leaves me alone. As long as he leaves my friends alone.
This is the third relationship where Iâve had stalking and do not feel safe.
Finally got my groceries yesterday, can not wait to actually get out of the state and have a few days of peace.
I should get a decoy wedding ring to keep people the fuck away. Relationships are not worth it.
The way this breakup went, thereâs no excuse for it. The actual YEARS of work and healing for my disease undone. Now facing another surgery. A physical scar to always remind me of how horrible this all went down and how horrible I was treated. Just for having friends. Something Iâll get to look at and remember for the rest of my life. Just like the scars my abuser left⌠but this time a huge fucking scar that says Iâve yet again dated someone with such a huge disregard for my health.
Being someone with health issues that are âinvisibleâ sucks because itâs just never taken seriously.
They never cared if I was okay. They only cared about theirselves. And they drug down and involved SO MANY people. Hell my mom even. Sheâs had to go to the doctor 3 times and go on stronger meds and has been in a bad flare with her shit. And sheâs let me know itâs because of this shit. Makes me feel real great knowing Iâve caused this.
Women can be friends with men without wanting to fuck them. It doesnât have to always be about sex. Iâve had plenty of guy friends all my life because Iâm mostly gay and grew up in a house where I was told if I bring home a woman I would be kicked out and have my ass kicked. I just get along with men better. It takes me ages to even form a connection with someone before I fall for them⌠he was the exception before I decided relationships arenât for me. But I guess he was right about being a narcissist when he was trying to break up with me. First ex did tell me that I would only ever attract narcissists because I am prey because of who I am and how I carry myself.
Why would I want to jump directly into a relationship after someone treated me with such disregard and disrespect. Completely devastated my health. Alienated me from my friends. Purposefully brought up my biggest fears to shit on them. Shit on my biggest goal. Stalk me and make me feel the same way my abuser did. Made me lose the healthy weight I had put on for the first time in my life. Pulled me out of remission. So stressed my heart is acting up to the point of being told Iâm risking heart attack and stroke. So stressed Iâm not sleeping or eating. Falling asleep while driving to get groceries. Heâs brought up triggering underage bullshit that have triggered my ptsd to bring up repressed memories of being raped at age 4. Unforgivable.
8 different people from his life/ex friends of his have contacted me over two weeks to tell me some fucked up shit about things from his past⌠as well as some really nasty shit. No wonder I ended up with roaches.
I donât want another relationship ever again.
How hard is it to accept someoneâs boundaries when you ask for space to heal and get back in remission before trying to start from friends. My health is my priority. I just needed space to get back on my feet. But then harassment after harassment pushed me further and further out of remission until the damage is irreversible.
This is the first time in my life I actually do not want any form of relationship. My desire for love and being understood is dead. I can get that from myself alone.
Relationships cause too much harm to my health and Iâve already nearly died from my health complications twice in my life. I have to take my health seriously and this has been the worst my health has been since my abuser. I canât do it anymore.
Thanks for listening⌠I donât really have a support group or outlet because of being alienated from my friends. So an old fashioned ramble post it is.
Hello? Do people still use this?
Hadnât been able to get to the eye doctor in a few years because I had to put my health first for a bit.
I have retina damage not due to health. But trauma.
Turns out abusive ex hit and threw me hard enough to damage my retina. Now my left eye is compromised and was told to be aware of it since another blunt force trauma could cause it to detach completely causing me to need emergency eye surgery..... Eye surgery they wonât touch since Iâm on an extreme biologic drug that suppressed my immune system.
At least it makes sense why Iâm having so many floaters now... I have a hard time daily just reading account numbers off screens becuase I have so many floaters it distorts my vision.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
ÉŞ á´á´á´Ęá´ Ęá´ Ęá´á´Ę Ęá´ĘĘ á´ á´ĘĘ, ÉŞ á´á´á´Ęá´ Ęá´ Ęá´á´Ę á´ á´ĘĘ, Ęá´ĘĘ ÉŞ á´á´á´Ęá´ Ęá´ á´Ęá´ á´Ęɪɴɢ Ęá´á´ á´Ąá´É´á´, ÉŞ á´á´á´Ęá´ ÉŞá´ á´ĘĘ Ňá´Ę Ęá´á´.
Feeling subhuman.
Feeling very alone.
Ordered engraved dogtags with medical info on them and emergency contacts in case I go down in public while Iâm alone.
30 and I have to wear warning tags.
Woke up to this bullshit. Keeping an eye on it to make sure Iâm not internally bleeding yet again, thanks Crohnâs disease.
Not going to lie. Today has been one of the worst days of my life.
My insurance refused the treatments I felt safest on. Iâm going on Humira... from what theyâre telling me, itâs $2,000 an injection after my insurance... every 15 days. $4,000 a month. My medication officially costs more than I make.
Monday I start looking into financial aid.
Out of work for a while because Iâm pretty sick. Starting to feel steroid withdrawal. The emergency Zoloft they put me on isnât helping.
Iâve passed the TB test and Hepatitis test, so the next step is hoping to god my insurance covers my first choice because my other two options are fucking terrorfying because the side effects are intense. Fuck all of them have fucked side effects, even the one that sounds the safest. (Hair loss, BLINDNESS, skin LOOSENING, heart stopping, cancer, just fucking lists and lists of them)
I canât touch my eyes or nose without washing my hands first because even a cold could kill my ass on this shit.
Iâm scared as fuck. Anxiety is high. Donât know how long Iâll have to be injecting myself with this shit.
I just kinda hoped I finally had my shit together when this happened.
Fucking am I allowed to be bitter for a minute and wish I werenât âtoo stressfulâ to be in a relationship with because it sure as hell would have been nice to not go through this all fucking alone. But whatever. Probably going to have to fucking hire someone just to go grocery shopping for me just so I donât die from breathing. Fuck. THIS IS JUST STEROID ANGER IGNORE ME, MY MEDICINE IS FUCKING ME UP AND IM BEING A SADBOY, I promise, Iâll be back to optimistic bullshit adriane soon.
Okay so this is hard. But fuck it, let's be vulnerable.
You can probably tell that I've been more uncharacteristically anxious for a number of months now. I'm out of remission again and I've been trying so hard to will it to fix itself and act like its not a thing.
Bad call.
I got results back today.
I'm out of remission pretty bad and I'm going back on steroids. Pentasa isn't cutting it anymore, so I've got three treatment options to look over today and make a decision.
I am very stressed, scared, and disappointed.
The last time I was on the steroids I got really suicidal. The new meds have terrifying side effects and I'll have to inject myself.
I need help.
I had such a stressful day with so many medical tests (+ 9 vials of blood drawn). Exhaustion levels high. Grumpy itâs prime cuddling weather. Happy itâs sweater weather.Â
Turns out my migraines are damaging my brain so thatâs whatâs causing my issues with memory and finding words. Makes me feel like less of an idiot.
I had to be a callous bitch... because the uncertainty was ripping me apart health wise.
I couldn't go through it again. The first time was hard enough on my health.
I don't give a fuck about screenshots about an abusive ex thanks. Especially when their psycho girlfriend has already fucking stalked me and tried to message me on multiple PERSONAL ACCOUNTS about abuse. I'm already dealing with suicidal friends. FUCK OFF I CANT TAKE ANY MORE
Fuck. This. Life.
Break up with me on or around my birthday so I know it's real(ly fake).