Dear god please let this be the end of it. I donât want another relationship ever again. Sick of being alienated and having my friends deal with the bullshit. Hate lying but I donât care what kind of person he thinks I am as long as he leaves me alone. As long as he leaves my friends alone.
This is the third relationship where Iâve had stalking and do not feel safe.
Finally got my groceries yesterday, can not wait to actually get out of the state and have a few days of peace.
I should get a decoy wedding ring to keep people the fuck away. Relationships are not worth it.
The way this breakup went, thereâs no excuse for it. The actual YEARS of work and healing for my disease undone. Now facing another surgery. A physical scar to always remind me of how horrible this all went down and how horrible I was treated. Just for having friends. Something Iâll get to look at and remember for the rest of my life. Just like the scars my abuser left⌠but this time a huge fucking scar that says Iâve yet again dated someone with such a huge disregard for my health.
Being someone with health issues that are âinvisibleâ sucks because itâs just never taken seriously.
They never cared if I was okay. They only cared about theirselves. And they drug down and involved SO MANY people. Hell my mom even. Sheâs had to go to the doctor 3 times and go on stronger meds and has been in a bad flare with her shit. And sheâs let me know itâs because of this shit. Makes me feel real great knowing Iâve caused this.
Women can be friends with men without wanting to fuck them. It doesnât have to always be about sex. Iâve had plenty of guy friends all my life because Iâm mostly gay and grew up in a house where I was told if I bring home a woman I would be kicked out and have my ass kicked. I just get along with men better. It takes me ages to even form a connection with someone before I fall for them⌠he was the exception before I decided relationships arenât for me. But I guess he was right about being a narcissist when he was trying to break up with me. First ex did tell me that I would only ever attract narcissists because I am prey because of who I am and how I carry myself.
Why would I want to jump directly into a relationship after someone treated me with such disregard and disrespect. Completely devastated my health. Alienated me from my friends. Purposefully brought up my biggest fears to shit on them. Shit on my biggest goal. Stalk me and make me feel the same way my abuser did. Made me lose the healthy weight I had put on for the first time in my life. Pulled me out of remission. So stressed my heart is acting up to the point of being told Iâm risking heart attack and stroke. So stressed Iâm not sleeping or eating. Falling asleep while driving to get groceries. Heâs brought up triggering underage bullshit that have triggered my ptsd to bring up repressed memories of being raped at age 4. Unforgivable.
8 different people from his life/ex friends of his have contacted me over two weeks to tell me some fucked up shit about things from his past⌠as well as some really nasty shit. No wonder I ended up with roaches.
I donât want another relationship ever again.
How hard is it to accept someoneâs boundaries when you ask for space to heal and get back in remission before trying to start from friends. My health is my priority. I just needed space to get back on my feet. But then harassment after harassment pushed me further and further out of remission until the damage is irreversible.
This is the first time in my life I actually do not want any form of relationship. My desire for love and being understood is dead. I can get that from myself alone.
Relationships cause too much harm to my health and Iâve already nearly died from my health complications twice in my life. I have to take my health seriously and this has been the worst my health has been since my abuser. I canât do it anymore.
Thanks for listening⌠I donât really have a support group or outlet because of being alienated from my friends. So an old fashioned ramble post it is.
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