Crying in PostGrad

22 / Ace Lesbian Loves books, fantasy, sci-fi Currently crying over assessments and planning a dissertation main: @yetanotherbooknerd

[nixscriptum]

[petaltexturedskies]

and I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.

Emily Dickinson in a letter to Elizabeth Holland written c. 20 January 1856

[cryinginthelibrary]

Really struggling to romanticize my life right now...

[a-study-in-dante]

maybe I'm not cut out to work in academia

(received email from a student, overthought it for five days, will need two business days to recover from typing an answer)

[cryinginthelibrary]

Literally every time.

[okayto]

bed.

[cryinginthelibrary]

literally all i want every hour of the day

[cryinginthelibrary]

Side note (I'm posting a lot tonight apparently), this is the best piece of advice I've ever heard for those of you wondering if you should apply to grad school (particularly if you have an MA and are considering a PhD!).

If you graduated from your degree and you still love writing, do it.

I know that sounds so simple. So simple it's almost stupid and obvious. But so many people come out of their capstone/thesis/dissertation hating writing, hating writing in their field or about their topic. If that's you, grad school will suck for you so hard. It is so much research and so much writing. You will write until looking at your own words makes you feel sick and fingers start to hurt from typing. You will also have your own writing torn apart so many times in every way imaginable and constantly have to rewrite everything. So... if you've finished your degree and you still love writing in your field, on your topic. etc. Do it. Grad school will make even the strongest of love turn to hate at moments, so it is so necessary you love it from the outset.

Obviously, there are a lot of other things to think about. But if you're having the thought of going to grad school and you're looking for your sign, this might be it!

[cryinginthelibrary]

I feel like lately I spend more and more time missing where my life used to be.

I did my MA over in Ireland. Now I'm back in the US. It took me a full year to not spend every waking moment grieving the life and friends I left behind. I've started my PhD and every day I'm in the library or studying in a cafe, I can't help but remember the days spent in coffee shops around Belfast or sitting on the second floor of the library by the big window. I miss how green everything was, the coolness in the air, the excitement and passion I felt for my work.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't a blind idealization of the past. I also had bad depressive episodes in Ireland. I missed my family like crazy. I'm closer now to my childhood friends than I was before. I hated how out of touch I sometimes felt when talking to people. I used to describe it like looking through one of those distorted windows. I could see, but everything was slightly different. I hated how crowded the city would get on the weekends, dodging people when I just wanted to go to Tesco Express to get a small thing of milk. I also hated hearing people drunkenly fighting or throwing up out of my sixth floor window (I overlooked an alley so sound echoed!).

But the more time I spend back home, the more I yearn to be back. I went to a conference where one of the panels was about Irish history on film. They played clips. I thought I would cry. Seeing familiar places, hearing familiar accents. It was everything I miss. And I'm here. I have five years in this program and I haven't even finished the first yet. I feel like those words just keep resounding in my head over and over again. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

[cryinginthelibrary]

Alright, I've survived the first semester. But this second semester might actually kill me.

On a serious note, for anyone starting their studies in the Fall or already in the midst of their studies, but not sure how to address these situations: if you have a faculty member abusing their power over you or saying cruel things just because they can, say something. I know not every department will help you. And I know (believe me, I know) it can take a long time for change to happen, but it never happens if no one says anything. My class has been dealing with a professor threatening to pull our GTA contracts (our funding) if we don't fall in line with what she wants and how she wants us to behave. We have documented and complained every step of the way. The situation isn't over yet, but I know nothing would have been better if I had stayed silent. For one thing, speaking up ensured my department chair assured us that not only did she not have the power to pull our funding, but the department would never agree because we save them so much money by teaching intro level classes.

If you are just starting your graduate school journey, it can be really intimidating to make your way through the department hierarchy and incredibly terrifying to speak one on one with your department chair. I urge you: do it anyway. As a graduate student, you are a future colleague to these people. You are not just a student, you are another adult who probably works (in some capacity) alongside them. You have rights as a graduate student and you deserve them to be respected. It will not stop with you. They will do it to other people. The best thing you can do, to protect yourself and to protect others, is to speak up. A lot of universities also have neutral third parties built into their hierarchies. If you feel that your department head/chair or your dean won't support you, seek out your omnibus, seek out a board, seek out whoever oversees department investigations. Make a stink. You deserve to be protected and respected. Grad school is supposed to challenge your knowledge. It is stressful. You will spend half your time questioning your sanity and the other half questioning your own intelligence. You don't need departmental abuse on top of it.

[juliaxyn]

Even when you're tired, remember why you started.

[cryinginthelibrary]

So important. Write this down on a post-it note for yourself. Write it in your planner. Write it in all your notebooks. Remember it. When you're tired and frustrated and burnt out, remember why you started.

[importantcatpics]

[cryinginthelibrary]

Here we go everyone! After 4 years of applying, over a dozen rejections, I (finally!) have an acceptance to a PhD program. It's all starting! I'm about to uproot my entire life in less than four months, move to a completely different region, and start probably the hardest journey of my life. It's exciting and terrifying and there's still a part of me that's waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet. For those who feel they can't do it, keep trying. Seriously.

Last year after getting another full round of rejections, I had an absolute breakdown, questioning my own intelligence and worth. I felt like there must be something wrong with me that I couldn't see, but obviously all these graduate programs could. The only way I could compartmentalize the rejections was to start researching graduate programs again, sure that there must be a fit for me somewhere.

At this point, I have researched about 80 U.S. universities and 60 global (predominantly U.K.) universities. I have spreadsheets and word documents comparing programs, professors, courses, and keywords. Every statement I submitted has at least 3 drafts. I really would not recommend this for everyone (I'm a bit of research freak. It's the way I've always coped with feeling like my life was out of control). But, if you are facing countless rejections and feel like there's no place for you in academia, hit the drawing board again. There is a program out there for you. There is a professor that wants to work with you and a university that will see the value of you. If something in you tells you this is the place for you, keep fighting for it. It took me four rounds of applications (and I won't wish that journey on anyone), but I finally made it. I wanted to give up countless times, felt some of my lowest moments, and heard some variation of "you're great, but the competition was tough" countless times, but I made it. And you can too. At the very least, I believe in you.

[cryinginthelibrary]

It's so weird. I hate waiting to find out if I got into a program or not, but I am kind of enjoying feeling like I can breath again. I took a day to work on my new reading journal and was amazed that I could just do that! Last year around this time I was just starting my new semester and reading about 400+ pages per week!

[cryinginthelibrary]

How do people deal with waiting to hear back from grad schools? Especially if you're a winter graduate. Like your life is just suddenly empty. This will be the first spring semester I don't have school since kindergarten and it kind of freaks me out a bit. Everything just feels so empty and even thinking about the future sends me into such an anxiety spiral I can barely breathe. But I also can't stop thinking about it. Because what if it was a waste? I mean, I know in the long run it won't be. I will never regret getting my MA or applying for further education. But in the short run? Everything just feels nerve wracking and terrifying.

[cryinginthelibrary]

I graduated yesterday!!! So happy to be able to say I officially have my Master's Degree in English Literature!

Congratulations to all my other winter grads, whether graduate or undergraduate! We did it!!!

[cryinginthelibrary]

I turned in my final graduate application today...

Today I feel proud. Tomorrow starts the hellish period of waiting for the decisions to start hitting my emails.

Why can't universities ever give a concrete timeline for admissions decisions???? I mean, I know why. I get it. Admissions and professors are humans after all, but still... Why????

[cryinginthelibrary]

Also...follow up...

Application fee waivers are an even more fucked up process. The fact that one of the universities I applied to made me explain my financial hardship and then followed made me justify what I would do to solve my financial issues before starting a grad program. Like...what? They were like how will you handle these financial issues because funding won't arrive until August, so how will you survive until then? And that just gave such "You're not really struggling financially unless you are literally starving on the streets vibes"

[cryinginthelibrary]

Applying for grad school is such a weird feeling/process.

Like...please love me, please like me. I've spent 5 years studying for this...please don't let that all go to waste.