Cryptic Ember

Eris They/them

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

small things in life that are actually worth living for

your favorite people

your loved ones

your pets

animals

nature

the smell of rain

your favorite fictional characters

your favorite movies

your favorite tv shows

your favorite games

your favorite food

your favorite books

writing fanfics about your favorite fictional characters

reading fanfics about your favorite fictional characters

gay people

old man yaoi

archive of our own

[papayafromtv]

honestly the whole deal of the batboys dressing up as each other for JLA business is, objectively, supremely funnier if their identities aren’t even hidden anymore. they don't need to fill in for each other, the kids just like annoying everyone. they'll swap outfits and lie whenever they can, just to see how long they can go before one of them gets caught out. they'll always get found in the oddest moments and it never fails to piss off everybody else at the Watchtower.

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*

Arsenal, staring at the ground chastised, as Batman cries from laughter on the floor across the room: ...yes Richard. I will.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 70 (masterpost here)

Jason: hold on, it's on my phone, let me pull it up.

Tim, audibly delighted: i can't believe you do this-!

Bruce: Robin, don't get distracted, i need you on my six.

Damian: *already distracted, somewhat forlorn* i wish you were an owl...

Bruce: that's not- *pause* what?

Damian: they don't need people on their sixes. they can turn their heads and just look.

*silence*

*distant crashing and gunshots*

Bruce: shit- focus, Robin!

Jason: i got it, it's still here.

Tim: please god read it out,

Bruce: *amidst grunting* you two aren't helping.

Jason, dismissively: then switch to a different line? everybody knows line seven is Red Hood's territory; go back to line one.

Dick: who needs to go back to line one?

Tim: ...Dick you've been here for thirty minutes, how are you not hearing us.

Dick: sorry- you know that thing where you disassociate and drive, and then you snap back to yourself as you pull up the driveway and you have that moment of 'how the fuck am i still alive?'? i think i did that with swinging.

Jason, grunting casually: oh yeah, i get that sometimes.

Dick, mystified: how the fuck did i get to Bristol...? sorry, anyway- what are we on?

Tim: Jason's grudge list.

Dick: Jason's what now?

Jason: i have a list on my phone of the worst things everybody has done to me, so i can keep track of how much revenge i need to get to 'win'.

Damian: ...win what?

Jason: shut up. aren't you fighting?

Damian: it's not that complicated a fight.

*distant gunshot*

Damian, casually, after a beat: Father?

*sounds of punching, hitting*

Bruce: yes?

Damian: how good of a mood would you say you're in?

Bruce: ...why?

Tim: i'm calling it now he got shot- you got shot, didn't you?

*silence*

Damian: tis' but a flesh wound-,

Bruce, resigned: oh my god- Robin.

Damian: you didn't watch my six.

Tim: *laughs*

Damian: it didn't even hit anywhere important,

Bruce: i don't care- just go to the batmobile and get the first aid kit, i'll be there after i finish getting the evidence i needed.

Damian: *groans*

Dick: are you guys done? because i wanna know what's on Jason's list for me.

Tim: yeah i'm- i'm also very invested in this. actually- is Damian on there?

Jason: uhhhh- yeah, by the bottom. i don't update this that much, to be fair.

Damian: what's written for me?

Jason: it just says 'looks too much like Bruce'.

Tim: *instant snickers*

Dick: wait wait- what's on there for Bruce then?

Jason: Bruce's- *laughs* ok, Bruce's has stayed the same since before i went to Ethiopia, and it's still the most evil thing he's ever done to me.

Bruce: *confused grunt*

Jason: according to the list, the meanest shit Bruce has ever done to me was when I was thirteen years old and he took me to an evening afterparty for this opera event, and i was bored as fuck with all the other rich-people kids and i wanted to go home, so to discreetly get B's attention, i texted him-,

Bruce: oh- *snort* ok i remember this.

Dick: what happened?

Jason, indignant: i texted him asking if we could go home, and this piece of shit proceeds to look at the text in the middle of this circle of people he's talking to, read the text from me OUT LOUD TO THEM, and then he looked at me across the room and yelled out 'what's wrong, chum? who don't you like, why do you wanna leave so early?'

Tim: *long noise of sympathy*

Dick: *cackling* THAT'S SO BAD????

Bruce: *another snort*

Jason: shut up Bruce. -and you wonder why we hated you; honestly.

Bruce: you were- *struggling to tamp down his amusement* you were being a handful, and that was the quickest way i could think of to make you want to be quiet.

Dick: *more cackles*

Jason: worst moment of my life to date, and i've literally been murdered.

Bruce, slightly amused: oh come now, chum, that's dramamtic.

Jason: IT'S NOT THOUGH??? IT'S PUBLIC HUMILIATION!

Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: *hiss of pain* oh- woooaaahhhhhh,

Dick, still snickering: -uh, Dami?

Damian: hm? oh, sorry, no, carry on, don't mind me- *under his breath* huh, that's cool.

Bruce, slightly concerned: Robin, where are you? i thought i told you to wait in the car.

Damian: i am in the car.

Bruce: then what are you doing?

Damian: taking out the bullet i got shot with.

Tim: ...the hell is 'cool' about that?

Damian: there's a second one already in there that i didn't know about.

*a beat*

Dick, baffled: what?

Bruce, stern: Robin what's your status, are you ok?

Jason: when the fuck did you even last get shot?

Damian: i dunno, that's why it's cool. i guess i forgot about it?

Tim: dude- what the fuck even is your life.

Damian: yeah i don't- oh, i think the second one was blocking a vein- shit, there's blood on the seats,

Dick: oh my god BRUCE GO TO YOUR KID-

Bruce: I'M GOING-

Tim, mumbling: like father like son,

Jason, instantly: -shut it or i put you on the list.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 69 (masterpost here) (league days)

Damian: ok one more, quickly before Father shows up.

Dick: you should release this app y'no littlewing, it's honestly impressive that you coded it by yourself.

Jason: stop trying to get my league days app code, i told you i'm not letting you skip ahead.

Dick, whining: come on,,,

Tim: shut up and give us the next one.

*distant car alarm*

Jason: ...d'you reckon that's a robbery alarm or a 'pigeon just flew into my parked car's windshield' alarm?

Tim: i... *deep sigh* honestly my arms are really tired from pulling a double-patrol; let's just say pigeon alarm so i don't have to stand up again.

Damian: can't wait for that news article. 'Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood and Nightwing spotted sitting on a roof playing an ice breaker game while two streets away the Joker steals a car with a baby inside from it's weeping mother'.

Jason: *snort* 'when questioning Batman on his co-workers clear apathy to the suffering of Gotham's people, our great protector responded 'they thought it was a pigeon''.

Tim: *snicker*

Dick: well, i hear no screams and the Joker's dead, so i'm gonna go ahead and say we're good for the next few minutes. hit us, Day.

*long pause of silence*

Jason, wryly: why are you lookin' at me like that? what does it say?

Damian, audibly exasperated: 'i've always been quite pleased with the fact that nobody ever questioned my decision to be a vegetarian, because it's very embarrassing to explain'.

*another pause*

Tim: oh for fuck's sake-

Jason, already laughing: what- what's wrong-?

Tim, flat: no.

Dick: *amused* whaddya mean no,

Tim: no- because you know how unfair this bullshit is? i can't even decide if it's more helpful to play this game in person or just over the ear pieces, because they're- THEY'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: -LIKE WHAT DOES THAT FACE MEAN?

Damian: *quietly chuckling* i don't- it doesn't mean anything, Drake. it's fine,

Tim: no- that has to be, like, you're looking at him because you're pissed about how vague he made the lie. Jay made the lies and you made the truths, so if you're looking at him like that it has to be a lie.

Dick: don't- fuckin' *light wheeze* stop ruining the game before it even starts! even if it is a lie, are you not curious about what the fuck he comes up with?

Tim: no. i've learned, Dick. the best way to get out of this game calmly is to just use your instincts and shut it down straight away. it's my new strategy, ok? i'm hacking the code.

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason, fighting back laughter: well you don't- i don't think you can make that assumption, you know? letting Damian pick all the truths in the game is a big responsibility, who knows what he'd avoid writing down just to get out of talking about it. maybe i slipped a few more truths in there to force it out of him; maybe that's why he's glaring at me.

*a beat*

Damian: *wheeze*

Tim: no fuck off, you aren't just changing the way the game works, that's not allowed.

Damian: w- it's a made up game, Timothy, what are you talking about?

Tim: *incredulous huff of laughter* no! no, this is a lie. nay, end of, i'm out. you aren't getting me with this one.

Dick: pussy. Damian, why is it embarrassing that you're a vegetarian?

Damian: *snort* uh,

Tim, mocking: -oh do you not remember? shocking.

Damian: *wheeze* it's because i became a vegetarian after losing a bet.

Dick, curiously: wait so it wasn't your choice?

Damian: no, i actually used to love eating meat.

Jason: that's what she- *quieter* no i can't make that joke in reference to a young child, my bad.

Dick: *abrupt cackle* JASON.

Damian, also laughing: fuck you.

Tim: are you actually claiming you don't eat meat ever, all because you lost a bet as a child?

Dick: yeah, what fucking bet was this? what happened?

Jason: *snicker*

Damian: *sigh* so, Jason had to take some of his men to one of the villages near the compound, i'll admit i can't really remember why,

Tim: convenient.

Dick: *laughs*

Damian: -i just remember that everybody seemed to think the reason they'd been sent was bullshit. i'm fairly sure my grandfather had sent them and they were just going to make him stop talking about it or something? so they weren't actually doing anything, they just went to the village and were hanging out, talking to the locals and stuff. and Jason thought it would be a good opportunity to get me out of the compound for a few hours, so he snuck me out and took me with them.

Dick: this village- was this like, a normal village, or a league connected village, or…?

Damian: normal. or- er, *pause* i guess you could say league connected? it was basically- the compound was very far from modern civilisation, but although Grandfather didn’t want the world to know he existed, he did want to take advantage of some modern supplies,

Jason: -cause he’s a fuckin’ hypocrite-

Damian: -so you keep telling him- anyway, there’s quite a few settlements and small civilisations or villages within on-foot travel distance, and although they’re all local and technically not affiliated with the league, he does use some of those villages as supply drop offs or neutral meeting spots, so like… they are kinda connected but only in the way that an amazon warehouse would be connected to Jason’s phone. y’know?

Jason: leave me and my fucking amazon app alone.

Dick: ok so the people living there-?

Damian: not league employees.

Dick: got it. so you and Jason are at this village, not working.

Damian: exactly.

Dick: what happens next?

Damian: well, one of the most recent shipments Grandfather was having Jason’s men oversee was weaponry; guns and rifles and stuff. so, because they’re all childish idiots, Jason and his most trusted squadron start playing with the guns.

Jason: *snort*

Damian: one of the locals we were more familiar with used to make these clay statues, like little animals, y’know? and Jason blew i think, like, six months of his pay on ridiculously overpaying for a bunch of these little clay birds.

Tim: hold on- you actually got paid at the loa?

Jason: *disinterested noise* i mean i guess you could argue it was more my allowance, but yeah.

Tim: unbelievable. we don’t get paid.

Dick, dry: Tim you inherited millions from your parents.

Tim: still.

Dick: ok- anyway, what happened with the clay birds.

Damian: they were taking in turns using them as targets while trying out the rifles, you know- like clay pigeon shooting? and i decided i wanted to try.

Dick: shooting?

Damian: yes. i didn’t have that much practice with guns at that point, because Grandfather preferred i sharpen my more traditional combat abilities. but i was young, and i wanted to copy Jason and his friends, i guess.

Dick: Jason- what face even is that?

Jason: i’m- i’m *audible struggling not to laugh* just shut up- leave me alone, i’m not part of this.

Dick: uh- *wheeze* ok, so Day, did he let you use the gun?

Damian: he thought it would be a bad idea, but i was… insistent.

Jason: *whimper*

Tim, flatly: why the fuck wouldnt he want you using a gun? he gives you guns now,

Damian: when i was younger i was… more sensitive to animals, and i had a tendency to get attached. *pause* to objects. occasionally.

Dick: waddaya mean?

Jason, muffled, high pitched: ‘e ‘ad a pet rock,

Dick, in disbelief: what??

Damian: LOOK,

Jason: *wheezes uncontrollably*

Damian, over him: LISTEN. you already know i was like, never allowed out of the compound. i didn’t speak to people that weren’t assassins, i didn’t get much alone time, and attachments were very much not encouraged. i was… a little bit behind, on my emotional affection regulation, i guess. i wasn’t allowed to care about any pets or guards because, well, they could die at any time. so, i would get attached to objects instead.

Jason: -yeah, you say that; you did also get attached to the animals and guards around the compound, you just refused to fuckin’ admit it. it was like you thought you’d be punished for smiling at Isla in the kitchens, but screaming bloody murder any time any of us tried to separate you from the fuckin’ snake skull you found and decided was your friend—oh that was ok.

Tim, amused: you made friends with a snake skull?

Damian: your parents are dead and they hated you when you were alive, mind your business.

Dick: *abrupt cackle*

Tim: man, fuck you.

Dick: ok- ok stop, you still haven’t even said what the bet was.

Damian: *sigh* well Jason thought i’d get attached to the clay birds, and that i’d throw a tantrum when they then got shot, so he didn’t want me using the gun in case i got sad. and i told him he was being ridiculous, because he was, and i’d be fine. and we argued back and forth for a while until Jason eventually threw out something like ‘you’re so fucking sensitive to this shit, it’s a wonder you even eat chicken.’

Tim: stop laughing.

Jason, high pitched: m- trying,

Damian: and i think at this point i must have been like, seven. so i’m instantly like, ‘what are you talking about, chicken is great, you’re an idiot’. and Jason goes ‘yeah, chicken is great until you’re the one killing and preparing the bird, and that’s what this basically is you know, we’re shooting fake birds.’ and i’m a little rebel, right? so i get in his face and i’m like ‘i could do that easily, you’re just a coward.’

Dick: oooh~

Damian: yeah- by the way? *amused* i’m seven and he’s fresh out the pit. ‘in his face’ is him sitting on the floor cross-legged so i can reach him.

Dick and Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: yeah. and he goes ‘ok then, how about when you do get sad that the target is dead, you aren’t ever allowed to eat chicken again.’ and then he adds on ‘even better, you’re never allowed to eat meat again’. and i’m like, you’re on. and i take the rifle.

Jason: *barely audible snickers, clearly muffled*

Dick: see- i know you said about the ‘Damian didn’t know it, so clearly Jason wrote it and it’s a lie thing’, but i dunno if Jay would laugh this hard if it was a made up story,

Tim: are you kidding me? Jason thinks Damian’s the funniest motherfucker on the planet, he’ll laugh at anything Damian says, it’s honestly annoying. plus, if you think this is true then you’re saying you believe that the only reason Damian does not and will not EVER eat meat, is just because he said he wouldn’t get sad when a clay bird broke, and then got sad anyway.

Dick: …he has a point. like i know how good an actor Day is, there’s no way you couldn’t have just pretended not to be sad.

Damian: well- *snort* well hold on now, because i never said that’s what happened.

Jason: *weeps*

Damian: …i should probably specify that this wasn’t Jason’s fault. he didn’t know that it would happen, so he didn’t like- he didn’t set it up.

Dick: wait, what happened?

Damian: i had the rifle, and i aimed it up so one of Jason’s men could throw the clay bird and i could shoot it, right? except what we didn’t realise, was that one of the other locals bred and raised doves as a hobby,

Dick, gasping: no,

Damian: and one of them happened to get free,

Jason: *muffled choking noise*

Damian: so little seven year old me expected to shoot a piece of rock with no further consequences, hit a bullseye, and was suddenly engulfed in an explosion of blood, bird organs, and feathers. and the dove died in front of me.

Dick, in awe: oh my god???

Jason: *starts wheezing louder*

Damian, also holding back laughter: and so- and so- Jason fuck off, *laugh* and so i started crying, throwing up, just losing it—Jason had to take like forty-five minutes to calm me down and wipe the blood off my face, he had to pay for the dove,

Dick, incredulous: he had to pay for the dove-!

Damian: he took me back to the compound while i was clinging to his neck, and i just refused to be let down all day. Mother was furious with him, and i remember all of Jason’s subordinates taking turns trying to cheer me up while i was like, clinging to Jason’s chest.

Dick: oh my god,

Damian: yeah, and then after all that i sat down to dinner, still a little shaken, and we had boiled chicken. and i still remember reaching out my like, trembling hand to grab my fork—and Jason just slides the plate away, looks me dead in the eyes, and he goes ‘not for you, we had a deal.’ and-

Dick and Jason: *instantly lose it*

*loud, echoing cackles*

Damian, barely audible over them: -AND EVER SINCE THEN, I HAVE BEEN HONOUR BOUND.

Dick: THAT’S SO- *cough* THAT’S SO MEAN,

Jason: *noiseless wheezing*

Tim, flat: and again, it’s a nice story. creative, sure, but it is a lie.

*hands slapping against concrete*

Damian: Jason- shut up,

Jason: *high-pitched laughter-*

Dick: well- *cough* wait, hold on, Tim, Tim, because- *wheeze*

Tim: what.

Dick: it’s just- listen, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… do you remember like, a while ago, where we were talking about Damian not having friends growing up? and Jason was telling us about his closest subordinates? *pause* ……didn’t he mention that Damian shot a dove?

*silence*

Jason: *breathless gasps for air*

Dick: ‘cause that wasn’t part of the game, so there’s no reason for him to have lied. if this is- if this is that incident…. then what are the chances of it being true?

Damian: *snort* uh, i’m gonna need a yay or a nay from you both now.

*silence*

Dick: Tim?

*more silence*

Dick, amused: Tim, do you smell toast?

Tim, very quietly: don’t wanna play the stupid game anymore.

Dick: *mid-laugh* Tim-

Tim, abruptly, very loud: NO.

Damian: that’s what i said when i shot the dove.

Jason: *wheezes again*

*crashing sounds* *screeching* *yelling*

Tim: YOU CHANGED THE RULES-

Jason: GET HIM OFF ME-

Dick: TIM-

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 68 (masterpost here)

Tim: i'll bet you anything i can shoot this elastic band into the roof of that convertible from here.

Dick: that's not even a challenge, you gotta do it from where Damian is across the street.

*connecting ping*

Jason: yo i see three people online, are we having a 4/4 main Gotham squad night?

Damian: yes, Father is off with the Justice League.

Jason: neat. i think i found a meta by the way, we might have to register him in the Batcave.

distant, angry male voice: I'M NOT A FUCKING META I'M A DAMN STAGE MAGICIAN.

Jason: hold on- shut up, i told you there was no way for you to know that was my card, so until you tell me how it happened in a logical manner, you are a meta and i will be keeping you tied up. -ok i'm back.

Distant male voice: i took an oath Red Hood, you cant keep fucking doing this! if it pisses you off that much then STOP COMING TO MY SHOWS.

Damian: aw man, again, Akhi? let him go.

Dick, amused and baffled: this has happened before?

Jason: 'm not letting him go, he's a meta.

Damian: he's not, though.

Tim: i seriously thought you were joking when you told me he had beef with a stage magician now.

Dick: you knew about this?

Tim: i- *sputter* i'd heard stories, i didn't think it was real.

Damian: hold on, i'm on my way over to you, Hood.

Jason: sick.

Damian: and I'm untying Clarance.

Jason: YOU CAN'T- HE'S A META.

Damian: I HAVE DNA TESTED HIM A THOUSAND TIMES NO HE IS NOT.

Distant male voice: how about- how about i do the trick again, Hood. so you can see it plainly.

*brief pause*

Jason: i'm not untying you, but sure.

*shuffling*

Distant male voice: -pick a card,

*cards flicking* *shuffling*

Distant male voice: put it back- this chain is way too tight, man. ok put it back, and you can shuffle the deck yourself.

*shuffling*

Jason: *annoyed grunt*

*silence*

Distant male voice: ...is this your card?

Jason: fuck you.

Dick, starting to laugh: H-Hood,

Jason: no- he's a fucking DANGER TO GOTHAM, SOMEBODY GET FUCKING MARTIAN MANHUNTER OR I SWEAR TO GOD,

Distant male voice: *forlorn* Hood this is the fourth time this month.

Jason: SILENCE FROM YOU.

Dick: *wheezes*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 67 (masterpost here) this is the longest one ive ever done oh my god

Dick: he takes it like a champ, which is honestly- it's made my respect for him go up more than literally any of the badass Batman shit he's ever done.

Jason: oh, a hundred percent. like, especially considering how egotistical he used to be? Bruce has become completely numb to us being bitches about him.

Dick: i guess it's different because, like, i mean it's more ironic now, right? i mean we used to fucking hate him, and it came through in the way we mocked him. it was malicious.

Jason: *audible wince* yeah buddy we had issues,

Dick: *wheeze* we had- we had issues. but now it's more like... us talking about how messy of a family we are is more a way of acknowledging how far we've all come, you know? it's therapeutic. bonding.

Jason: *crooning* aw, how sweet. *laugh* which of your therapists came up with that shit?

Dick: *laugh* it's good for you, man! i'm telling you, the guy i have is good. and he knows our identities, so we don't have to hold back. you should try it.

Jason: yeah, no, i'm happy for you, but i got my therapy right here.

*slight pause*

Dick, dry: that's a gun.

Jason: *cackle* look, i ain't in denial, i know my issues. talking stuff out just isn't my deal. you know i operate different to you and Bruce.

Dick: *hum* you do you, i guess. he worked for Bruce though, as far as i'm aware B still sees him.

Jason: *abrupt snort* you two share a therapist? that's fuckin' adorable.

Dick, snickering: listen- listen, it was a whole thing! i told him if he was gonna try it out he had to do it properly; let go of his control issues and actually look for help, so i made him see my guy because then he's seeing somebody who already has a picture of who he is from another perspective--he couldn't manipulate the narrative.

Jason: smart, corner the fucker.

Dick: yeah, but again--took it like a champ.

Jason: was there a moment for you where you could tell that like--'oh he's actually fucking trying, he might not be as shit as we thought'.

Dick: *snort* the grand moment of realisation of 'ah shit, he actually is just a guy as well, isn't he?'

Jason: *slight wheeze* the moment- the moment of- *snort* 'fuck i've been bullying somebody in the same boat as me'.

Dick: GOD, *cackle* yes, oh dude you have no idea, there were so many moments,

Jason: it's- it's weird, right? to be like, maybe we don't have to hate each other as much as we do?

Dick: yeah, -but it's like, part of it right? to make the realisation that you can be a victim of circumstance while also being an asshole that contributes to the problem?

Jason: *click* oh yeah, completely. you gotta get to the point where you can accept that it can be true that you have a shit life largely due to the actions of somebody else, while it also being true that- that the person at fault, is only at fault because they themselves have been fucked over in life and they just haven't had the clarity or opportunity to fix themselves from it before.

Dick: *grunt* yeah, parents--or peers, i guess. peers can wrong you without being bad people. we're all just... shitty people, trying to figure out how not to be shitty to those further down the line. sometimes we manage it, sometimes we don't. doesn't make us evil, just makes us... works in progress.

Jason: *hums*

*a few beats of silence*

Dick: Jace if you don't fucking offer me some damn alcohol right now-,

Jason: *instant cackling* chill- chill i got a case in the fridge, you can go get it.

Dick: and if i open the window to go get it i'm not gonna get ass-fucked by your deranged loa version of home security?

Jason: what do i- do i look stupid? why would i have security on while hanging out on my own fucking fire escape?

*shifting, wood sliding*

Dick: well i dunno, you're weird sometimes,

Jason: fuck off. and grab the whole case will you? bring it out, i don't wanna go in any time soon.

*clinking*

Dick: sir yes sir. *slight grunt* so, *sigh* what was your moment?

Jason: what- my Bruce moment?

Dick: yeah. i mean- i assume Damian living with him had something to do with it, but what was the moment that made you realise he wasn't as bad as we made him out to be during the golden era?

Jason: *bottle uncapping* *clink* don't laugh.

Dick: *already amused* why would i laugh?

Jason: ...it was when he hit me in the face with the batarang.

*two seconds of silence*

Dick: *snort*

Jason: ok fuck you-

Dick: no- sorry, how the fuck-

Jason: it was complicated-

Dick: he slit your throat and you were like 'yeah that man's on a self improvement journey'.

Jason: *instant cackle* no- let me be clear, it wasn't the fact that he threw a batarang at my face, it was just the overall interaction in general.

Dick: jesus. how fucking good was this conversation that he literally almost killed you with his own hands and you still walked away like 'good chat dad, see you on thanksgiving'?

Jason: no the real question is- *wheeze* real question is how low was the fucking bar,

Dick: *loud laughter* *high-pitched, between weeping* what did he say-?

Jason: he apologised.

Dick: *long excited gasp* you're fucking kidding.

Jason: yeah- but like. in a weirdly mature way? that's what fucking caught me off guard.

Dick: i thought you hated it when he apologised for not killing the Joker?

Jason: that's what caught me off guard! because he didn't apologise for that, he apologised because- ok so basically,

Dick: *snort* oh here we go.

Jason: -shut the fuck up, we're at my place post-patrol and we're drinking alcohol, of course we're gonna psychoanalyze our interactions and history with Bruce- anyway, we’re on the roof, i’ve got a gun on Joker and i’m basically telling him that he either kills the Joker or i do, and if he doesn’t want Joker to die then he has to kill me,

Dick: this is the first time you’ve properly told me this story,

Jason: yeah- well obviously B has his whole no kill thing so he’s being a little bitch about it, that’s expected, and so i put the gun to Joker’s head and start countin’ down from three. and before i can actually do anythin’, he tears up and starts apologising.

Dick: god tier distraction technique.

Jason: -yeah, i- *wheeze*

Dick: *snickering* look i’m just saying-

Jason: no- yeah, fair enough. anyway i started yelling about like, how i didn’t give a fuck that he didn’t get to the warehouse in time back in Ethiopia, bla bla bla, yeah? and he stops me mid-sentence. and he goes ‘no Jason, i’m not sorry that i didn’t save you in time back then, and i’m not sorry that i didn’t kill the Joker, i’m not going to apologise for that and my opinions will not change.’

*silent pause*

Jason: …and i’m like. the caucacity of this bitch.

Dick: *wheezes* *slapping sounds, grating of metal*

Jason: don’t fuckin- break my outdoor chairs,

Dick: *still wheezing* the caucacity- no that’s insane! he actually said that?

Jason: word for word- *slightly offended* by the way? thanks for outing my fucking civilian name to the Joker, you fucking asshole.

Dick: *loses it again*

Jason: -guess the no-names-in-the-mask rule is only important when you want it to be, huh?

Dick: so what- *snort* what was he apologising for?

Jason: well that was what freaked me out. because suddenly Batman left the roof and in his place was this fuckin- well adjusted man, who was willing to make himself emotionally vulnerable in public. and he proceeds to tell me that he wasn’t sorry for the Joker shit, but he was sorry that he didn’t provide a safe enough environment at home, because maybe if he’d actually stepped up as a father figure then i wouldn’t have felt the need to go to Ethiopia the way i did in the first place.

*three seconds of silence*

Dick, awed: *stage whispering* he admitted it?!

Jason: OUT OF NOWHERE.

Dick: hoooly-

Jason: *indignant* YEAH. YEAH MAN. I’M FUCKIN’ STANDING THERE ON THE OTHER END OF THIS ROOF LIKE SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT.

Dick: *cackle* *John Mulaney impression* the Bruce admitted to his faults in an open and honest emotional conversation? i didn’t know he knew how to do that.

Jason: *instant wheeze* ex- *cough* -ACTLY! *cough* anyway, obviously my face is like- i look fucking baffled, because what? and i think he thought i didn’t understand what he meant? and so he said- and i’ll never fucking forget what he said, he said this word for word,

Dick: *drink sloshing* *prompting hum*

Jason: he goes ‘when i took you in, i promised to take up the responsibilities of being your guardian, and i remember the night that i told you that, you looked at me with nothing but distrust.’ and he tells me, ‘you didn’t believe that i’d be there for you, and you didn’t believe that you could rely on me; as a guardian, or a parent, or a father.’ and then he looked me in the eyes as he was actively tearing up, and he told me, ‘the biggest mistake i’ve ever made in my life was living up to those expectations of me, because you were right not to think i would do it, and the biggest thing that broke my heart about your death was the realisation that i never let you feel safe around me.’

Dick: *slow whistle* yeah, that would have gotten me. i’d have cried.

Jason: *stage whispering* right? completely fucking took the wind out of my rage-sails, i had no idea what to do. *louder* I WILL SAY- i will say, that it was at that point that the Joker started looking kind of uncomfortable, which was-

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: which was- *also wheezing* the best thing ever. *high-pitched, snickering* like- fuck me, i didn't think it was possible for the Joker to feel awkward about anything, but man, that dipshit did not fuckin' wanna be there,

Dick: oh my god, this is incredible. that has to be like- Bruce Wayne, the only man in the universe with the ability to make the Joker uncomfortable with his feelings.

Jason: yeah, so i was like... reeling. because all of a sudden B was telling me everything i'd wanted to hear from him since he'd bloody adopted me, and on top of that he started telling me about how he 'knew that he couldn't fix the time he'd already lost, but he would always be available if i ever wanted to try and build anything new', and,

Dick: OH MY GOD HE TOLD ME THAT- HE TOLD ME THAT LIKE SIX MONTHS AFTER YOU DIED. HE- he called me at seven in the morning to tell me that he loved me, wished he'd been better at showing it back when it mattered, and was going to try and tell me it more in the future.

Jason, snorting: first thing in the morning is wild.

Dick: dude i was hung over. i threw up. on call. he thought he'd killed me.

Jason: *bursts out laughing* fuckin'- it almost killed me on that roof.

Dick: right- yeah, ok, i wanna get back to that. because how the fuck does B using this opportunity to update you on his journey through self-improvement and therapy somehow turn into him throwing a literal knife at your neck?

Jason: *dismissive* ahhh, well, bless his little heart, he's not gonna get everything right first try, is he?

Dick: *snickering* Jason,

Jason: ok, ok. so- ok so basically,

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: *smacking noise* FUCK OFF. you have to understand that my main goal when i orchestrated that whole scenario was like... a complete unstable mixture of like five various points i wanted to make at the same time. like- i was losing it, to the point where Damian told me afterwards he'd been considering asking Ra's about pulling me in for another pit-dip because he thought something might be wrong with me.

Dick: *amused* you were- you were having a slight menty-b,

Jason: *wheeze* a slight menty-b, yeah. so- part of it was i wanted to see if Bruce would kill the Joker for me, part of it was just wanting to see if he even cared; part of it was to make sure Damian would be safe with him, and part of it... i guess...

*drink sloshing*

Jason: don't freak out, but i guess part of it was a subconscious attempt at just... getting something to kill me.

Dick: ...something?

Jason: yeah- like it wasn't a thought out attempt, i wasn't thinking of it as a suicide attempt; but i think i was specifically trying to make the whole situation as fucked as possible because i wanted something to just... put me down. whether that be the Joker, or me, or Bruce, or a bomb, y'know? like... my mind was such a mess in that moment that i was just too tired to think about making it off that roof alive.

Dick: *drink slosh* *calm hum*

*a beat of silence*

Jason: like- i'm fine now, but there have been hard moments, you know?

*another beat of silence*

Dick: ...you, fuckin'... you are one special little gem, you know that Jace?

Jason: *indignant snort* fuckin' what? *chuckle* what's that supposed to mean?*

Dick, amused: it means, dumbshit, that i know for a fucking fact you fought with every fucking fibre of your being to make it out of that warehouse, to make it out alive, because you did not want the Joker to kill you. i know that, you've told me about that,

Jason, already amused: yuh-huh,

Dick: -so as much as it sucks to hear that there have been points where my baby brother has wanted to off himself, there is a morbidly fascinated part of me that is listening to this, like, imagine having the audacity to fight that fucking hard to survive, so hard that god apparently fucking listened to you, brought you back, and you came back alive just like, 'mmm, this is more hassle than i thought actually, nevermind'.

Jason: *soft wheeze* hey- hey now-

Dick: -like i know i'm being insensitive but that is SO wild to me-,

Jason: *wheezes again* oh my god- see, this is so much funnier than therapy.

Dick: yeah, i'll agree to that, it's less sensitive when it's outside of a therapist's office.

Jason: *approving grunt* well, anyway, i did actually have a bomb on the roof, so that was my final back-up plan. if shit went down the drain, just blow everything up, y'know?

Dick: you took a bomb? like a grenade?

Jason: no like a proper one, remote detonated and stuck to the inside of the building. it would have taken out the whole thing, killed us all in one fell swoop. the only problem was, i didn't want B to know i had a bomb, so i couldn't have the detonator on me, right?

Dick, slightly confused: right...?

Jason: so- *slight laugh* so i got this guy, right? this guy named Micheal.

Dick: the fuck is Micheal.

Jason: Micheal is one of my workers, and he has no fucking friends whatsoever. runs accounts for me because he's such a nerd, and i think he's chill so i occasionally invite him out for drinks with me and my main guys, right?

Dick: *confused hum*

Jason: i am the only reason Micheal has a job or a social life, and i am the only person he speaks to outside of cashiers and women who hate him on onlyfans. Micheal therefore recognises that he owes me his life and adores me, to the point where he will do anything for me without question, and will shut up about anything he hears with a hundred percent success rate, no matter what.

Dick: *snort* ok?

Jason: my point is, i couldn't have the detonator on me for risk of B somehow seeing it and planning around it. so, i had Micheal on my private com line with the detonator, hidden a whiles away and waiting for me to give the command to blow us all up because he's the only one i trusted to keep his fucking mouth shut. are you with me?

Dick: you had some random fucking loser pervert-

Jason: I *clap* DID *clap* NOT *clap* THINK *clap* I *clap* WOULD *clap* MAKE *clap* IT *clap* OFF *clap* THAT *clap* ROOF *clap* ALIVE.

Dick: *audibly trying not to laugh* ri- right, ok, go- go on,

Jason: so this entire fucking conversation, my identity, my daddy issues, Batman crying; Micheal is hearing all of this shit, right? and he's waiting for me to give him a signal about this bomb because i'd told him that if a certain amount of time on that rooftop passed without anything happening, that he should just blow it up anyway. but now things have changed, because B is for some reason being reasonable which means now maybe i shouldn't kill us all in a murder suicide, right?

Dick: *incredulous cackle* right,

Jason: so i'm fuckin' crying, Batman's fuckn' crying, Joker's startin' ta avert his eyes like he did not think this was how this interaction was supposed to go,

Dick: *laugh*

Jason: -and all of a sudden Micheal starts sayin' some shit in my ear; except i can't fuckin' hear him properly because i wasn't expectin' us to be having any two-way conversations so i've got my com turned all the way down, so, suddenly remembering i should probably tell him not to blow us up, i reach my hand up to adjust my com and ask him what's up. yeah?

Dick: right,

Jason: but i'm also restraining Joker, so i have to use the hand holding the gun to do it. and the safety's still off, and i'm not wearing my helmet, and it's an awkward angle n shit, right?

Dick: *disappointed* oh my god,

Jason: and- *slight wheeze* B told me ages afterwards what happened from his perspective, which was that he saw his crying son in the middle of a slight menty-b lift a gun to the side of his head with no safety and start fiddling with his fingers--as if about to press the trigger and do a whole-ass suicide,

Dick: oh my GOD,

Jason: yeah- *amused* and i guess the tears were obstructing his vision, so he says that he panicked and tried to hit the gun out of my hand and fuckin' missed, right? but from my perspective, my dad just told me he was sorry for the first time in his life and then shot me in the neck as if he needed to destroy all evidence of the incident,

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: so now my mind's in a fuckin' frenzy, i'm dying possibly, and i'm really pissed off because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Dick: *more wheezing, gasping for air* oh my god-,

Jason: so, deciding i need to fuckin' recoup and consider the events of the evening, i shoved the Joker at him, jumped off the edge of the building, and told Micheal to blow that shit to high heaven to distract him so i could get away.

Dick: and you just left?!?!

Jason: yeah man, went home and called Ra's--needed somebody to complain about my daddy issues too. it was fine though, he got me medical attention. and after that i guess B told you and Tim that i was alive, Damian started settling into Gotham a little more, and my mind cleared up enough that i realised i should probably like... fucking calm down or something, because clearly my opinion of Bruce is slightly skewed and i needed to retcon that shit.

Dick, snickering: retcon--wait, what happened with the Joker, i thought you killed him on the roof?

Jason: *hum* mmmnope, i ain't kill him. i think B put him back in Arkham like usual after that night. *drink sloshing*

Dick: i swear i thought he died that night- actually, where the fuck is he then?! hold on, hold on how am i just noticing this, where the fuck has the Joker been for the past three years if you didn't kill him? i just assumed you'd got him?!

Jason, casual: no i didn't get him. he is dead though. died two weeks after.

Dick: you got him two weeks after?

Jason: nah, i didn't get him.

Dick: the fuck got him?

Jason: Damian did, dude.

*a beat*

Dick, supremely indignant: sorry?

Jason: yeah- Bruce doesn't know it was Day though, the kid made it look like a heart attack or something, i think.

Dick: *awed* Damian got him? two weeks after the rooftop incident?

Jason: *casual* yeah--cause he came to visit me to check that i hadn't like, completely gone insane, and obviously he was like 'the fuck happened to your neck?' so i had to take him a whiles out of Gotham and tell him what happened with Bruce-,

Dick: why'd you take him out of Gotham for that?

Jason: because if he was in the vicinity of B at that moment he would have shot him in the face.

Dick: ...ok yeah fair enough. without the emotional context it is kind of wild.

Jason: exactly; but anyway- after he calmed down and i took him back to my apartment he told me that 'this clown shit was way more hassle than it fucking should be' and then he disappeared for like, eight hours. he came back through my window at like six am and just told me 'there, now you can all shut up about it', and i just... made the executive decision not to ask questions. i was goin through all this new mental health journey shit, y'know? other things to worry about.

Dick: fucking hell,

Jason: yeah. *drink sloshing* 'hacked into the Arkham records the next morning and he'd been quietly confirmed as dead and cremated, so that was that i guess.

*a few beats* *drink sloshing*

Dick: ...i guess i always thought that... that like... his death would be more dramatic, you know? that it would be a victory. did you not want something more satisfying?

Jason: *non-committal hum* i mean... maybe a little bit at first? but honestly the perspective i landed on was that... he sucked. like- his one thing was being a clown, right? it was his one passion; all he wanted was to be well known, and to be funny. so there's a part of me that thinks the best possible end for that guy is for him to die quietly, meaninglessly, in a completely boring, background, unnoticeable way, to the point where nobody even realises he's dead. like. do you know how fucking offended he'd be if he knew nobody knew--or cared--that he was dead? it makes me very happy to think about.

*stretch of silence*

Dick: that's such a god-tier take, actually. i take it all back.

Jason: right?

Dick: Damian's a fucking genius.

Jason: mmhmm. like father like son, am i right?

Dick: *chuckle* yea- wait, huh?

Jason: oh- *snort* no, i'm not complimenting B, i mean me.

Dick: oh, *chuckle* yeah,

*a beat*

Dick: wait, what?

Jason: what?

Dick: what do you mean 'like father like son'?

Jason: ...d'i not tell you about that?

Dick: eh-?

Jason flatly: just drink your beer.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 66 (masterpost here)

Damian: *heavy breathing*

Damian: *grunt* *air whooshing* *grunt*

Damian: *harsh, pounding footsteps*

Damian: *heavy breathing*

*2 connecting pings*

Tim: *equally fast footsteps* ROBIN KNOCK IT OFF.

Jason: seriously- *amused chuckle* what the fuck are you doin' kiddo?

Damian: *grunt* *rushing footsteps*

Tim: WHY WON'T YOU- YOU'VE BEEN CHASING ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES WHY WONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHY?!

Damian: *grunt*

Tim: n- *huff* no- i'm not- IM NOT FUCKING STOPPING UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHY.

Jason: *snickering* this is fucking- this is amazing. i dunno what it is but it's great.

Tim: WHY AREN'T YOU- STOP FILMING, HOOD-

Jason: dude, seriously, just stop running away. what's the worst he does, stab you?

Tim: W- YES?!?!

Damian: *panting, rushing footsteps, grapple going off*

Tim: oh my GOD- FINE. ROBIN. ROBIN? I'M GONNA STOP ON THAT ROOFTOP. DO NOT FUCKING HURT ME OR I'M CALLING BATMAN.

*scrape of gravel*

*silence*

*harsh slapping sound*

Tim: ACK-

Jason: ohohoho that was LOUD man, i woulda heard that from all the way over here even without the coms.

Tim: THE FUCK DID YOU SLAP ME FOR?!

Damian: *panting*

*a beat*

Damian, gasping for breath: yellow car, no returns.

*long stretch of silence*

Tim, dangerously calm: excuse me?

Damian: *rushing footsteps, grapple going off, loud wind*

Jason: *instant loud cackles* OH MY- HOLY FUCK-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

*disconnecting ping*

Tim: ROBIN.

Jason: *genuinely losing his entire shit* I CAN'T- *wheeze* *high-pitched* i can't- oh my god Robin,

Tim, completely serious: i'm gonna fucking kill him when we get home.

Jason: *still wheezing* i'm so- i'm so proud of how i raised that child, oh my god,

Tim: fuck you Hood.

Jason, weeping: i'm putting this on youtube,

Tim: NO.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 65 (masterpost here)

*silence*

Jason: *absently* to be fair, i- we never claimed to be good people,

Tim, calmly: no,

Jason: like- we don't call ourselves heroes. we call ourselves vigilantes. vigilantes aren't always good, we never claimed we were ethically good,

Tim: no,

Jason: -i mean i'm a literal crime lord. i deal drugs, i carry a gun; i've never presented myself as a good person, so if people expect that from me then that's on them,

Tim: yeah,

Jason: you might be false advertising,

Tim: mm- well-,

Jason: -but then that's still an assumption. you never said that Red Robin was gonna be a good person, they just decided to look at you that way,

Tim, blandly: yeah.

Jason: -and anyway, none of us have the responsibility of living up to people's ethical expectations of us. we could be bad people, it's not like we signed a contract saying we'd be nice to people.

Tim: ...yeah.

Jason: any disappointment civilians go through about us and our actions is... it's on them, really.

*six seconds of silence*

*connecting ping*

Dick, chipper: yoooo~ saw you two were online. how's it goin' tonight?

*a beat*

*another beat*

*shuffling of fabric, scraping of gravel, light wrestling noises*

*a beat*

Jason, airily: hey Dick.

Dick: uh- ....hi? are you ok? are you two together?

Jason: uh. yup.

Dick: ...ok. where?

Jason: just- one of the warehouses along the waterfront in Crime Alley.

Dick: ok... well i joined because i was swinging through the alley and wanted to see if you guys were hungry, so i'm close by, i'll track you.

Jason: ...ok.

Dick, suspicious: the fuck're you acting so weird for? what'd you do?

*a beat*

Tim: it's not like we ever said we were good people, right, Dick?

Dick: ...what? hold on, i'm literally only a few streets over, gimmie a sec.

Tim, voice empty: nobody can be disappointed in us. we never set expectations of morality.

Dick: Jason the fuck is he on about?

Jason, equally empty: i literally deal drugs.

Dick: *noise of intense confusion*

Dick: oh i see you guys- holy fuck.

*a beat*

Dick: ...that guy isn't alive, is he?

Tim: well he can't be alive, he has no limbs. it's just a torso.

Jason: no i've seen people on tiktok that live just as torsos, it can happen.

Tim: yeah but not like this-

Dick: *aghast* there's so much blood- Tim you're fucking covered. who did this?!?!

*a beat*

Tim: it was Jason.

Jason, instant: no it was not.

Tim, matter of fact: you have to take responsibility for the fact that you a hundred percent had the time to slow down the truck before you drove it into him.

Jason: -and i will do so, as soon as you accept that you were stood right next to him and saw him in the path of the truck and fully had the opportunity and skills to remove him from the area before the truck pushed him into the machine. only you didn't, because you wanted to see what would happen.

*a beat*

Tim: you sped up that truck after you knocked the driver unconcious.

Jason: you said it looked 'cool, like a wet firework'.

Dick: what the hell is wrong with you both.

Jason: we never signed a contract to be morally acceptable.

Tim: -but if it makes you feel better the guy did come here so he could try and sell his disabled son to a gang.

Jason: that too.

Dick: you're both so lucky Batman's off-world tonight, i swear to god.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 64 (masterpost here)

Jason: *snicker* come on, it's fine. patrol's basically over, the kids are all back at the cave, the entire city is peaceful, you can take one sip.

Bruce, tired: for the fourth time, i don't drink on the job, Hood.

Jason: come onnnn~ we haven't had some adult-batfamily hang out time for ages. it's the only time i ever like you, you gotta partake.

Bruce: *grunt* i'm still Gotham's protector.

Jason: ok and you're also my legal adoptive father, so take the stick out of your ass and have a beer with me. come on- come onnnn, i got a spare flaaaaassskkk~

*a long beat of silence*

Jason: come on- that's it- open up, i'll tip it in, you just gotta swallow, there we go,

Dick, amused: you have got the be the only person on this planet that can peer-pressure Batman into drinking alcohol, Jay.

Bruce: -ok, no, take it away, i'm not falling for this.

Jason: DICK. I WAS SO CLOSE.

Dick: *wheeze* i'm sorry- i didn't mean to-!

Jason: YOU SUCK.

Dick: *cackle* just gimmie the other flask, don't waste it.

*faint sloshing*

Bruce, resigned: you shouldn't be doing this in your suits, if something were to happen...

Dick: B, buddy, we've been sneaking alcohol into our bat-water-bottles since Jason was first adopted. we know how to swing and drink.

Bruce: i still don't know how i never caught you,

Jason, mouth slightly full: 'oo were- *cough* you were a very self centred guardian back then, man. i could do anything, you weren't fuckin' looking.

Bruce: *sigh* yes, well, mistakes were made.

Jason: *laughs* you're good, we had fun.

Dick, wistful: man, we did have some fucking fun. i still remember- Jay, do you remember when you snuck out to that party and B found out you were gone in the middle of the night-?

Jason: OH- oh, the time that i came back at like three AM and he'd moved ALL THE FURNITURE?

Bruce: *light snort*

Dick: *wheeze* yeah-

Jason: fucking- i was gone for like four hours and you moved all the furniture in the front section of the house into the back ballroom so i got back and thought i was in a fucking fever dream, everywhere empty,

Dick: *high-pitched, giggling* and he- he told you that a bunch of people had broken in and stolen all of our stuff-!

Jason, mocking: 'well maybe if Robin had been around then he could have stopped the crime, but apparently he had better things to do tonight-', *cackle*

Bruce, clearly amused: ah, yes. how long did i hide our furniture for?

Jason: dude- like two weeks! you kept coming up with excuses as to why i shouldn't go further into the manor than usual- you slept on the fucking floor.

Bruce: listen- *chuckle* listen-

Jason: NO FUCK OFF YOU CAN'T DEFEND THAT! THAT WAS MEAN!

Dick: god- you know honestly, i think we were too stubborn back then to say it out loud, but shit B, you gave as good as we did- you were funny.

Bruce: i was childish and didn't understand how to be a parent, Dick. i was bitter, and i was taking it out on the people i was supposed to lead.

Dick: yeah yeah- i'm not saying you didn't have failings within your moral responsibilities, we all did; but looking back, you did not get enough credit for the shit you used to pull.

Jason: i will admit i laughed hard at some of the shit he did. to this fucking day, one of my favourite memories from the first year after i got adopted was that weekend you came back to the manor for a big case bust, and halfway through patrol you got into that huge argument and swung back to Bludhaven so you left all your shit at the manor, and B- *wheeze* and B,

Dick: we got into so many arguments, Jace. you need to clarify-

Bruce: he uh, *audibly holding back laughter* i think he's talking about the time you left your car here, so i- *snort*...i sold it.

Dick: ...oh my god- I REMEMBER THAT!

Jason: *still wheezing*

Dick: MY FUCKING BENTLY, THAT SHIT WAS A CLASSIC.

Bruce, unapologetic: i know, ...and i gave it to one of the gardeners at Drake Manor for fifty dollars and a pepsi.

Jason: *crying* oh my- hold me,

Bruce: you're gonna- Jaylad, you're gonna fall off the roof, come here- *snickering*

Dick: i- B i was so mad back then, you have no idea. like it- *laugh* i did not find it funny. i had no respect for the comedic genius of your moves.

Bruce: yeah, well, we've all grown since then. that was the point, wasn't it? being better for the kids?

Jason: it would be funny if you sold Tim's car though,

Bruce, admonishing: Jason,

Jason: *cackle*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 63 (masterpost here)

*distant explosion*

Jason: OOOOOH-! HOLY SHIIIIITTTT,

Jason: fuck yeah- come on bitch, come at me, get- yeah that's it, that's it, just-

*another distant explosion*

Jason: OH FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE GRENADES? *loud cackle* COME AT ME YOU FUCKING WHORE!

*faint screams*

Jason: *evil cackles*

Tim: ...dude, do you, like... need back up?

Jason: OH- oh, fuck. hey Red. *gunshot* ok so i'm gonna be honest and say i completely forgot i was in the open line. my bad, i can leave if i'm being too loud.

Tim: ...no, no, it's fine. glad to see you're... having fun. and you don't need help?

*distant explosion*

Jason: nah you good kid, me and my evil-busting swords can handle it.

Damian: you don't use those as much as you should.

Jason: i know, right? you'd think there'd be more evil in Gotham. *distant metal shwing*

Tim: isn't evil as a concept completely subjective anyway- like what the fuck are the parameters for those things?

Jason, dismissive: i'uno, *absent screams and gunshots*

Damian, humming: as far as i can remember, Ducra told me that it was magic based and connected to the soul of the user; so it's most likely just what Hood considers to be evil himself. i found the information hub by the way, i'm downloading the contents of the computer system right now.

Tim: cool--we got time anyway, i knocked out all the guards. hey Hood, what did these guys do that made you decide they were evil?

Jason: *fighting noises* *grunt* -hm? one of 'em ate mayonnaise straight from the packet.

Tim: ...you are way too corrupt for the amount of power you have.

Jason: it made my blood burn green again, Red. it was horrible.

Damian: what on earth are you doing right now anyway, Hood?

Jason: oh- i'm tearing down this massive child trafficking ring. been huntin' it for weeks.

*a pause*

Tim: *dryly* and the fucking mayo was what did you in.

Jason: -you should of seen it, he was sucking on the packet like it was power gel.

Tim: *noise of disgust* yeah i don't need visuals, Hood.

Damian: i have the flash drive, Red where are you? We should get out before anybody else shows up.

Tim: cafeteria. do you want a pudding cup?

Damian: do they have banana flavour?

Tim: who the fuck chooses banana? Hood get your swords over here, Robin just chose banana over chocolate and strawberry.

Damian: fuck you.

Jason: honestly i don't mind banana. just anything but pistachio.

Tim: ok- you do not deserve those swords, your opinions are trash. what was the name of the- that old woman that gave Hood the swords, what was her name?

Damian: Ducra.

Tim: that's the bitch. Ducra fucked up, he was the wrong guy. hey- by the way- i thought Ducra lived in like, a whole other place than the actual league base?

Jason: *rapid gunshots* yeah you fuckin' try throwin' that grenade, bitch, see what happens-

Damian, dry: she was. the hidden home of the All-Caste was separate from the League of Assassins, out in the Himalayas. she just owed my grandfather a few favours.

Jason, distracted: -eh? that's what they told you? nah, habibi, she ain't owe Ra's shit. it was a whole thing- she requested me. it was the other way round, Ra's owed her; i was a sacrifice.

Damian: why the fuck would she request you?

Jason: fuck you, i'm cool.

Tim: -whatever the reason, if she wasn't part of the league and only trained Jason, what the fuck were you doing there?

Damian: because-

Jason, instant: *loudly* nu-uh. you aren't allowed to talk about your childhood on casual terms anymore, Robin.

Damian: *offended noise*

Tim: what? why?

Jason: because he keeps fucking ruining league days. he's a damn oversharer and we're running out of truths in the deck.

Tim: ...that is objectively a good thing. i hate that game, it makes me suffer.

Jason: which is exactly why we all keep demanding you play it- *gasp* HOLY SHIT IS THAT A BAZOOKA- WHAT KIND OF FUCKING CHILD TRAFFICKING RING-

*explosion*

*a beat*

*another beat*

Damian: ...Hood?

Tim, calmly: see, Robin? this is what happens when you choose banana pudding. i'm taking you strawberry, suck it up.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 62 (masterpost here)

Damian: i don't get it.

Jason: no i've never gotten it either.

Tim: i mean, i do get it slightly? like... he can be intimidating sometimes? but then again that's B as a father figure; all dads can be scary towards their kids if they really need to be. from the perspective of a Justice League member? there's no logical reason as to why Superman would ever think Batman was scary.

Damian: are we sure them considering Father as their scariest member isn't simply a sarcastic inside joke within the group?

Dick: naw bub, it's real. i've seen Clark try to hide from him when he thought he'd 'wronged' B in some way. they're genuinely intimidated by him.

Damian, mystified: that's ridiculous, he isn't scary.

Jason: well- actually ok, i might get it. because he isn't scary to us; but maybe that's why he's so scary to the JL.

Dick: *snort* what, we made him scary?

Jason: i- you have to admit, like- like we have done some shit.

Tim: *laughs*

Jason: yeah, like- *laugh* maybe the thing is that we've pissed off Bruce so much over the years, that we've upgraded his ability to deal with things further than any normal human man should. like he has to try and be visibly angry enough for us to listen to him when he tells us to knock it off; when you start getting good at that level of intimidation, the fucking farm boy and ocean buddy with the big fork is like- it's gotta be child's play.

Dick: *cackle* ocean buddy with the big fork,

Jason, audibly holding back laughter: right but you see my point-!

Damian: i mean, does Father even get angry at us anymore? i feel like he's given up at this point. he just gets resigned; doesn't really try.

Tim: well that's the thing, i think we've perfected being disappointments so well as a group that he's lost the ability to get mad. he expects it; i can't imagine what we'd have to do to make him genuinely rageful nowadays.

Dick, thoughtful: yeah... we've definitely raised the bar.

Damian: you used to make him very angry before Jason died, right? so you two were the- you were the original-,

Tim, amused: the pioneers.

Jason, smug: we did perfect our methods. it's an art form.

Damian: yeah but was that an old skill or do you still manage it? because even i struggle to make him seething mad.

Tim: his tolerance has built up massively over the years...

Jason: yeah it's tougher. we still manage it sometimes, though.

Damian: what's the angriest you've ever made him?

Dick: oooh, good question...

Jason: you know what- genuinely? you'd think it would be something from the golden era; i reckon Dickie bird's was recent.

Dick: *casually surprised* oh you think? you think it was the thing from a few weeks ago?

Jason: oh 100%. he literally told you not to go home with him. i was impressed.

Dick: well- *snort* to be fair i'd been gunning for that all day; i wanted to go home but needed an excuse to ditch the manor.

Jason: *cackles*

Tim: wait what'd you do a couple weeks ago?

Dick: do you not remember- that gala where i was supposed to spend the night at the manor afterwards? but i ended up going back to Bludhaven instead?

Tim: wait- *pause* that was because Bruce told you you couldn't?

Damian: *in slight awe* ...Richard. what did you do.

Jason: *starting to laugh again* oh- oh man, i forgot you guys were in a different room- you didn't get to see it-!

Damian: the fuck did you see it? you're dead.

Jason: spray-on hair dye and a barkeeper outfit.

Dick: yeah he was so pissed off- it was on camera, too; like the press were actively filming. i think Bruce sued them for the footage.

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: what the fuck happened???

Dick: ok well- *sigh* there was this little old lady who was attending the event with her carer-, and i wanna be clear this lady was very sweet, she did not mean to be rude in any way, she was clearly just very confused,

Tim: *now audibly baffled* what the fuck could you possibly be building up to?

Jason: *another wheeze*

Dick: i just need you to understand that this was a very nice old lady who clearly had dementia and didn't mean to be rude.

Damian: what did she do?

Dick: well she was talking about her grandkids, so B started talking about his kids. And you know, he introduced me, and then he pointed out you and Tim in the crowd, and then Cass walked past with Duke so he told her they were his as well, and... i don't think she was all there in the head, you know? didn't remember that Bruce was famous for adoption. so she kinda went, like, 'you have a lot of them, don't you? are you sure they're all yours? they don't look much alike', which,

Jason: -bullshit, all four of us could enter a Bruce Wayne lookalike contest and draw for first.

Dick: -right, but also like, you gotta admit we're pretty fucking diverse for a single group of siblings, right?

Tim: point, actually.

Dick: yeah! anyway- so i could see Bruce kinda getting ready to laugh it off, right? and i- *snort* listen, i'd had a few.

Jason: i'm a good mixer.

Dick: -yeah, he is, and like i said i was already trying to look for an out of staying at the manor because i hadn't been home in a while and i was tired, so before he could say anything, i said- *abrupt wheeze*

Jason: *muffled snort*

Dick: i- *more laughter* *high pitched* i said,

Damian, flat: dear god.

Dick: *giggling* *hands slapping fabric* i wasn't thinking, and i just kinda came out with, 'it's his fetish, he's trying to get one of each race.' and-

Jason and Dick: *instantly lose it*

Jason: *loud laughter* THIS IS STILL- THIS IS STILL MY FAVOURITE THING-,

Dick: *incoherent crying*

Tim, incredulous: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

Damian, with pure awe: that's... insane. making that joke on camera? in public?

Dick, weeping: n' he- he got so mad,

Jason, loudly: HE WENT BRIGHT RED, I THOUGHT- i thought he was going to hit him.

Dick: to this day i don't know how i managed to keep a straight face.

Tim: *stage whisper* what did he do??

Dick: he pulled me aside afterwards and- *wheeze* and he was like 'look i need some space from you right now, i think you should- *snort* i think you should get a different car and go home, and i'll just call you next week or something',

Jason: this is everything i aspire to achieve and more,

Dick: -and i was just like- i was like, 'yeah that's fair'- *breaks down into giggles again*

Tim: THAT'S FAIR- *wheeze* *cackling* fucking- 'i wouldn't wanna look at me either',

Dick: 'i get it, i hate me too',

Jason: i don't know- i don't know how he doesn't expect those sorts of jokes by now?

Dick: i don't fucking know how we keep coming up with them, it's like an endless well.

*ping*

Jason: an endless well of making Bruce seem like a pervert just to piss him off- ah fuck.

*tense silence*

*more silence*

Bruce, sternly: i'm tracking all of you. i know you're doing another four person stakeout-,

Dick, instantly: fuck- split, SPLIT-

Damian: what about the target?!

Jason: WHO GIVES A SHIT- JUST GO.

Bruce: for the last time, you cannot run from a PHONE CALL.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 61 (masterpost here) (part 2 to 60)

Jason: -eing completely serious here, like not joking,

Damian, faint from a distance: i'm well fucking aware i'm also your child, Hood- this is not a good enough reason to interrupt my mission!

Jason: no you- YOU AREN'T UNDERSTANDING ME. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE JOKE OF ME RAISING YOU IN THE LEAGUE, I'M TALKING GENUINE BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION- we need to get you over here so we can run blood tests, oh my days,

Tim: i swear to god if you don't hang up the phone and just JOIN. THE COM LINE.

Damian, faint from a distance: I AM TRYING TO- for hells sake, just let me- let me finish hacking this computer and i'll join. give me a minute.

*faint beep*

Jason, gobsmacked: he hung up on me- we're related, and he hung up on me-!

Tim, tired: just give him a minute Jay. can you get in contact with Talia or Ra's?

Jason: Ra's isn't picking up, and i wanna do a DNA test before i get anybody else involved anyway; this might be a mistake or something.

Tim: *hums*

*long, awkward stretch of silence*

Tim: *clears throat*

*more awkward silence*

*faint tapping of feet*

Tim: watcha- uh, watcha thinkin' about?

Jason: *a beat* just... *genuine* i was eatin' gum once, yeah? and the kid asked for a piece. and i didn't have any left, but he didn't believe me.

Tim: ...uh-huh.

Jason: and so i jokingly was like 'ok fine, you want some gum then you can have some!' and i took the piece out of my mouth and offered it to him. but i guess he took it as a challenge because he actually took it and started chewing on it. and i'm just wondering... could that have done it? if my DNA was on the gum, or... *trails off*

Tim: *judgemental silence*

Tim: yeah you can tell you never graduated high school.

Jason, enraged: ay- AY-

*connecting ping*

Damian: ok, what's wrong?

Jason: -FINALLY. Damian, seriously, i know you think i was doing a bit, but-

Damian: i didn't think it was a bit. we're biologically related; i am partly your child. did you not know this?

*silence*

Tim: what.

Jason: WHAT.

Damian: *very confused* Hood, you were there, why are you acting like you don't know this?

Jason: I WAS THERE WHEN WHAT-?!

Tim: *gasp of realisation* oh my god, you did fuck Talia,

Jason: I DIDN'T-??

Tim: -you just blocked it out because it was a bad memory! you- *voice dropping slightly* i fuckin' knew you'd been touched before, you so give off those vibes, i knew-

Jason: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME I WAS NOT TOUCHED AS A CHILD.

Damian: yes, Red, don't be gross. Mother did not touch him.

Jason: HOW DO I GIVE OFF THE VIBES OF SOMEBODY WHO-

Tim: -wait so are you not Bruce's then?

Jason: *enraged scream of frustration*

Damian: no, i am. my biology i think has about... six different people that could technically test positive for parental connections. but i think only Mother, Father, and Akhi's DNA is strong enough to actually show up on a blood test. as far as i'm aware, anyway.

*a beat*

Tim: fucking what?

Jason: what the FUCK, DAMIAN? HOW DO I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

Damian, still confused: i genuinely don't know?? you were the one that did most of it?? i mean you were pretty hopped up on pain meds but still,

Jason: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Damian, incredulous: what are you talking about?! we've literally had whole conversations with the others about this- there was a whole league days bit on it! one of the lies YOU WROTE was that i was genetically related to another member of the bats! i thought the joke you were doing was that the member was Duke because you knew in reality it was you?!

Jason: NO?! I WAS JUST MAKING WILD SHIT UP?!!?

Damian, supremely exasperated: ok but you were there. you remember that i was used in a lot of Grandfather's experiments as a child, correct? you were too, we both spent a lot of time in the labs,

Jason: well yeah but-

Damian, cutting him off: AND YOU REMEMBER- you remember that to make me a better specimen and heir he would edit my DNA to give me more potential, and you remember he also did a lot of tests with your DNA,

Jason, baffled: right, but he didn't-

Damian, pointedly: and you remember how after a lot of those tests we would share a medical suite?

Jason: ok but i don't remember- *abrupt pause*

*silence*

Jason, faint: oh.... my god....

Damian, unimpressed: idiot.

Tim: the fuck is happening right now- he looks like he's been stabbed in the dick.

Jason, still faint: ...and it was before i figured out how to regulate the defence mechanisms the pit gave me,

Damian: *still unimpressed* uh-huh,

Jason: -every time i got the slightest bit injured i would just go full pit-mad and black out for hours,

Damian: uh-huh,

Jason: -so every time Ra's wanted to use me for research he had to put me on the strongest medication he could get his hands on,

Damian, dry: yup.

Jason: Damian- Damian i used to get so high,

Damian: yeah i was there.

Jason: and he put my DNA... in you?

Damian: *snort* there's definitely way better ways to word it, but yes. the majority of my maternal and paternal biological bonds do go straight back to Mother and Father, but you also share a significant chunk of paternal DNA with me- i cannot believe you fucking forgot about this.

Jason: DAMIAN I WAS SO HIGH.

Damian: yeah, well you were aware enough to teach me how to play blackjack when we shared a hospital room.

Tim: -yeah, so, i have a lot of questions; number one you fucking said six potential parents, and i want more information on that,

Jason, abruptly: -OH MY GOD THE BLACKJACK,

Tim: yeah, Jay, there are more important things right now than-

Damian: no, Red, he's-

Jason: NO THE BLACKJACK IS WHY THERE'S MORE PARENTS,

Damian: -yeah he's answering you, that's- the blackjack was relevant to that.

*a beat*

Tim: fucking how.

Jason: i- holy shit. dude i was so high.

Tim: yeah so you keep fucking saying-

Jason: NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND- Tim, Tim. i was so out of it that i was getting the other scientists and servants to join the blackjack games i was playing with Damian post-experiment.

Tim: ...ok?

Jason: and i- *slightly muffled* oh my god i'm a horrible person,

Damian: no, don't worry, you asked me like twenty times beforehand if i was ok with it; i was just so bored i thought it was funny and said go ahead.

Jason: I WAS- *abrupt wheeze*

Tim: if you tell me how fucking high you were again-

Jason, still laughing wetly: NO- i was- Tim we would get left alone unsupervised in those labs for so long- like i'm fairly sure Ra's was just fucking forgetting about us,

Damian: oh- a hundred percent he was forgetting about us.

Jason: -yeah, and so when the drugs wore off enough to leave me capable of getting up and just a little loopy, i used to- oh my god it's all coming back to me,

Damian: -he would go and look through all of Grandfather's notes and fuck around with all the machines and stuff that were being used on us, during. there was really nothing else to do until he found the deck of cards.

Tim: right...?

Jason: ok so- so i was still significantly high and coming down from these meds, right? and i was also very bored, and i'd just sort of self taught myself on how to fuse people's DNA together via Ra's notes, right?

*a beat*

Tim: ...there's no way this is going where i think it is. please tell me i'm wrong.

Jason: i- *bursts out laughing*

Damian: he was auctioning me off like an antique vase.

Jason: *loses his shit*

Damian: in his defence he had my consent to do so, and unlike him i was not high.

Jason: *still laughing* oh my- holy- i was calling all the servants within the vicinity and yelling like- *wheeze* 'if you beat us at blackjack, you too can be a biological parent to one of the most important people in this compound! think of the special privileges!'

Damian: yeah they literally- being biologically related to me gave them nothing, by the way.

Jason: *audibly horrified with himself but still laughing* i did it like three different times-!

Damian: -to be fair i think you reversed one of them after you found out they were genetically predisposed for heart disease. and also you were still majorly impaired mentally so you didn't really fuse me very well. that's why none of them really show up on any tests.

Tim, speechless: oh. my god.

Damian: he was out in the hall outside our room yelling at the passing cleaners like somebody trying to sell fruit at a market.

Jason: *actively losing it*

Tim: wait so was it- did he fuse himself with anybody else or just you?!

Damian, pointedly: no as it turns out-

Jason: *wheezes*

Damian: -he was high enough to fuck with my DNA but not high enough to want to fuck with his own.

Jason, wetly: i can't believe i forgot about this... Damian, i'm half your biological father,

Damian: yes, Hood, i'm well aware- actually. if you didn't remember, then does Father know?

Tim: no, literally nobody knows. B almost figured it out himself at one point but because Jason obviously didn't think it was true, he brushed it off and convinced B he was being an idiot.

Jason, muffled again: oh my goooooddddddd,

Tim: Jason, Jason you- *slight snort* Jason you realise this makes you a co-dad with Bruce Wayne?

*silence*

Jason, decisively: no.

Tim: *laughs* no?

Jason: nope. not happening. we're never telling him. ever.

Tim: why not?

Jason: why n- are you taking the piss?! my relationship with that man is already so fucking undeniably odd- i am not adding co-parenting dynamics to that fucking list-!

Tim: *wheeze* holy- this situation is so fucked-!

Damian: maybe for you guys, this has been my normal for years. can i go now? i'm still working.

Jason: yeah- hold on. if you've always known that i was your half-biological-father, why don't you call me dad?

Tim: *starts cackling*

Damian, evenly: because i jokingly called you 'baba' once while you were under anaesthesia and you crawled into my medical cot and started crying about how you were too young and hated going to parent-teacher nights and weren't sure if you'd be able to 'do right by me' because you couldn't remember how to sign up for children's health insurance.

*silence*

Damian: -so i just switched to Akhi for your mental health's sake.

Tim: *cackles again*

Jason: ok that's actually fair.

Tim: *still laughing* dude are you- are you ok? you've gone so white,

Jason, faint: i gave my son weed when he was thirteen...

Tim: *loses it again*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 60 (masterpost here)

Dick: -and remember to adjust the sensitivity with the new ones because B always makes them way too heavy,

Damian: yeah yeah, no fucking shit, Red broke his arm because of it or whatever, womp womp. I'll see you tonight.

*disconnecting ping*

Tim: ...'womp womp'?

Dick: he got that from Jason, i'm telling you.

Tim: he is- Damian has inherited so much shit from Jason it's actually insane. like- he was a lab child, right? he said they did experiments on him n' stuff. are we sure Talia didn't, like, use Jason's DNA to help create him?

Dick: nah they met after Damian was born. he does look a lot like Jason, but then Jason always looked quite similar to Bruce when he was younger, so i dunno. i think it's just the green eyes, plus they have the exact same scowl.

Tim: yeah but it's way more than that, i feel like they're super similar just- as people in general, too. the more Damian grows up, the more he's just... Jason if Jason was brown.

Dick: he's like Jason in a different font, though. like, Jason's a literature guy and Dami's an art guy, you know? they're the same but slightly to the left of each other. he raised Damian the most at the league, so i get it.

*connecting ping*

Bruce: Nightwing, do you have the building plans i asked for, for the Argentina case?

Dick: oh, yeah. i got them on this USB thingy, i forgot. i'm on my way to the docks if you wanna meet me there?

Bruce: i'll be there in five.

Tim: what do you think of Jason and Damian, Bruce?

Bruce: no names in the mask.

Tim: *tired groan*

Bruce: in what way?

Dick: we've just been talking about how much of Hood Robin seems to have inherited. out of all of us he's the most like Hood, right?

Bruce: *considering hum* i... suppose it is occasionally noticeable.... that he takes after Hood in... various aspects...

*two seconds of silence*

Dick, mystified: what the fuck was that?

Tim: -yeah you've definitely thought about this before.

Bruce, stiffly: i just told you it was noticeable, of course i've thought about it.

Dick, amused: yeah but you were weird about it, like you've thought about it more than you think you should have and you're ashamed of it.

Tim: you didn't want us to clock it.

Dick: -but we did. so. spill.

*pregnant pause*

Bruce: ok, fine. there... was an occasion a few months after we found out Hood was the one to have brought Robin to Gotham, where i started noticing similarities between Robin and the way Hood was when he was a child.

Tim: yeah that's what we were talking about, they talk similar sometimes; make the same expressions.

Bruce: yes, but it was more than that. Robin eats the same way Hood used to, cuts his food in the same order and has very similar aversions to specific tastes. he's also left-handed, just like Hood, and they have remarkably similar jawlines. i also noticed his sleep patterns were similar to that of Hoods, as well as his preferred methods of learning and absorbing information. skills, too, as they developed, were shared between them. Robin is adept at story-telling, using his dialect, and he prefers combat styles that utilize his upper body and arms rather than legs, like Nightwing. all of that is identical to Hood.

Dick, slightly confused: what were you fucking doing back then, scanning his brain activity and comparing their brainwaves at night?

Bruce: i am known to be a paranoid man, Nightwing. you know this.

Dick: yeah but what were you paranoid about?

Tim: *abrupt gasp* OH- *cackle*

Dick: what? what the fuck?

Tim: Wing, Wing- *wheeze* he thought Damian was Jason's son. he thought- B, you thought Day was your grandson, not your son?

Dick: ...wait- *slightly amused* seriously?

Bruce ...i had a few theories. that i... may have decided to confront Hood about.

Dick: *instant cackle* OH MY- fuck, B, please tell me you asked him that on patrol so Oracle has the recordings?

Tim: i cannot believe Jason hasn't brought this story up to make fun of you before.

Bruce, bitter: it was a logical assumption, at the time. i simply wondered if there was a closer connection between Robin and Red Hood that i wasn't being told.

Dick, still giggling: and what did Jason say?

Bruce: ...this is a pointless conversation, Damian is my son, i was wrong.

*connecting ping*

Jason: yooo, double-R, i'm like two seconds away from you; you ready to go?

Dick: YES, fuck you have perfect timing!

Jason: ...d'ya miss me that much? also Replacement turn around, i'm here.

Dick: always, but that's not the point. B was telling us the story of when he thought you were Damian's real dad and he won't tell us what happened when he 'confronted' you.

Jason: oh- HA. you mean- B are you telling them about when i said i fucked Talia?

Tim: *choke* *water spitting*

Bruce: ...well i was trying not to.

Tim: WHEN YOU SAID WHAT?

Dick: EXCUSE ME?!

Jason: no- *evil cackle* calm down, i was lying,

Dick: HUH?!?!

Jason: listen- listen, *wheeze* it was a bit of a rumour back at the league is all; some weirdos thought that Talia might have revived me to satisfy her more fleshly desires, rather than the obvious truth which is just that i was a better option for son than Damian. it was all bullshit, but it used to piss Talia right off, so i always thought it was real funny to flirt with her in front of the troops every now and then.

Tim, scandalised but amused: Jason?!

Jason, flat: hey, listen, it used to weed the perverts out of the ranks, ok? i got like six people killed just because they insinuated that they thought Talia should 'share' when i was like. sixteen. anyway it was a fucking funny rumour to me and Damian, so obviously when B came up to me in all his glory with a fucking presentation of all the listed traits Damian shared with me that could possibly be hereditary, i was like 'yeah, i need to do something here'.

Dick: *sudden giggles* so you told him you'd slept with Talia?

Jason: *laugh* yeah, complete bullshit though. he believed it for- you believed it for like a solid week, right?

Bruce: yes, well, you went through the effort of faking DNA tests; how was i supposed to tell it was a lie? i only figured it out in the first place because i called Talia to confront her about statutory rape and she called you to make you come clean. Nightwing, i'm at the docks, are you here?

Dick: turn around.

Bruce: ah, i see you.

Jason: *another cackle* aw, yeah man... *fondly* she was pissed. the fuck do you mean DNA though? i didn't do that.

Bruce: yes you did, i compared Robin's DNA to that of yours that we had on file, but you must have already hacked in and made it look like there was biological relation. i'm not surprised, you've always had a habit of using the batcomputer for your practical jokes.

*six seconds of silence*

Jason, blandly: ...oh yeah. i forgot about that. i did do that. ...anyway me and the Replacement have a case to do, so we'll talk to you later. Tim, switch lines?

Tim: ...yeah, bye guys.

*two pings*

Jason, instantly: on god i did not fuck with the DNA tests, Tim. on god.

Tim: *intense whisper* yeah no shit Jason you fucking froze the second he said it-!

Jason: how is that even possible, he's Bruce's fucking kid?!

Tim: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW?! we need to- we gotta get Damian back here to double-check,

Jason: dude i need to fucking call Ra's-

Tim: -cannot fucking believe we might be making this discovery because Damian made fun of me for breaking my fucking arm.

Jason: -like i know he did some body-experimentation type shit when Damian was little to help enhance him, he used to do some shit to me too- I didn't think he'd fucking swap us with each other?!?!?!

*a beat*

Jason: the fuck you mean 'broke your arm'? your arm's fine?

Tim: no- *sigh* we were talking about a couple months ago, when i was testing out a new grapple but forgot to change B's sensitivity and fell.

Jason: *snort* holy shit yeah, womp womp.

*a beat*

Tim: unbelievable.

(continued in pt 61)

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 59 (masterpost here)

Bruce: security protocols could be improved, i suppose.

Dick: it could not, are you kidding me? they're better than Titans Tower.

Bruce: and how do you figure that?

Dick, as if Bruce is stupid: uh? because of Tim? do you not remember when Jason was like, full-force trying to kill Tim at every turn? and yet he didn't get an opportunity to actually attack until Tim was in Titans Tower. security was fine until he was there.

Damian: *snort*

Jason: ...yeah that's not true. i had like eight opportunities to kill him before then. it was real easy.

Bruce: ...elaborate, Hood.

Damian: *snicker*

Tim: woooa- hold on, back up; huh?

Jason: yeah- dude, did you think i just like... wasn't trying until the tower or something? you're not exactly hard to kill.

Tim: what- whatdya- wh- i never saw you? you didn't attack me once before Titans Tower, what are you talking about?!

Dick: yeah, what?

Jason: guys i was literally trained as a mercenary by Ra's Al Ghul--like. personally. he decided i was worthwhile teaching himself for a while. i was linin' up sniper shots with Tim's big-ass forehead before you guys even realised i wanted him hurt.

Tim: bullshit! why am i still alive then, asshole?

Jason, incredulous: because! you were really sad!

Damian: *chokes on some kind of drink* *snickers*

Tim: Damian shut the fuck- and give me back my pepsi! why does everybody always steal my patrol snacks?!

Dick: wait i don't understand, Jason could have killed Tim but didn't? is that the claim?

Jason: i had like, almost ten separate opportunities where you were out as a civilian or chilling at home and i could have taken you out before Titans Tower, Tim. i just never went through with it because you always seemed so... pathetic.

Damian: *low laughter, gradually getting louder*

Tim: oh shut up, Jason.

Jason: no i'm serious! i- *laugh* i remember there was one time i had a shot lined up with your face while you were coming out of the school building, and just as i was about to pull the trigger you tripped and ate shit in front of like, your entire class.

Tim: *indignant noise*

Jason: and you like, stumbled as you tried to stand back up and your hair was a mess, and there was a group of girls behind laughing at you as you limped away... i just couldn't do it. i figured hey, realistically i want B to suffer more than you here, so the least i can do is wait for a slightly more dignified moment to take you out. right?

*a pause*

Tim: what the FUCK?!

Jason: listen i wasn't in a good headspace! i think i was having Damian withdrawals, it was the first time i'd been away from him for longer than a month since i woke up.

Damian: ayyyyyyy~!

Tim: -the fuck up, Damian.

Bruce: Red Robin, keep calm.

Dick: *quickly* -carry on. anyway- everybody shut up, *amused* Jay are you actually saying you stopped yourself from killing Tim just because of how sad he was?

Tim: I WAS NOT THAT SAD.

Jason: are you kidding me? that period in your life you were going through it, man. i remember one time i was about to snipe you after you got an ice cream and you dropped it on the ground. you stared at that thing for like five minutes and i watched you cry an actual tear. --felt so bad i straight ran a street ahead of where you were walking and dropped some cash so i could buy you a new one.

Tim: you're so full of it--so why'd you fucking attack me at the tower then, huh? if you felt so bad for me?

Bruce: he has a point, Hood. you did end up attempting his life.

Jason: ok well again, if i'd wanted him dead i would have done it. i just had to beat him down a little and make it obvious that i crushed in combat easily, that's all. it was a strength thing.

Tim, dry: you beat me unconscious and wrote 'fuck you Batman' in my blood on the wall.

Dick: yeah that's- it did take him like. three days to wake up. so.

Jason: first of all, i didn't write 'fuck you Batman' in blood. i wrote 'Red Hood was here'. it was my official fucking crime lord name reveal, asshole, you could at least get your facts right. *a beat* i wrote 'fuck you Batman' in the code of the security lockdown so that B would see it when he came to rescue you.

Bruce: *heavy sigh*

Damian: *absent hum* i remember that story; you told me it when you came back to the league during the uprisings.

Jason, matter of fact: yeah, and you asked to see a mock up of the code's design so i got it up on an old ipad, and it was the first time you'd been shown anything to do with computer coding, and you pointed at it and said 'witch craft!' in a really shaken tone, and it was at that point that i realised i had to get you out of the compound, because What The Fuck.

Damian: *fond hum* i was so full of magic.

Jason: no i think you were just denied modern education.

Dick: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE TOWERS INCIDENT!? IF YOU FELT BAD WHY DID YOU EVEN ATTACK HIM?

Tim: yeah what the fuck.

Jason: oh- don't even, Tim. you deserved it and you know it. by the time you got mad at Bruce and ran away to vacation in that tower i was basically giving up on killing you for revenge; i just followed you around to check that you were making it through the week. and then, and then, i fucking get in there and i hear your bitch ass on the phone with one of your little sidekick friends, talking shit about how irrational B was being for wanting to keep you on security lockdown because *mocking voice* 'listen it's only the Red Hood that's supposedly after me, it's a guy with a helmet, i could take him down with ease.'

*silence*

Jason: yeah, nothing to fucking say now, huh? i heard you say AND I QUOTE, 'the dude's only dressing up in the Joker's old gear because he knows he's just as much of a joke as the original, he has no chance to actually do me damage'.

Dick: *sucks in breath* *stage whisper* ...Tim, man, it's gettin hard t' defend you here...

Tim: ...ok so i didn't actually know you were already in the tower when i was on the phone,

Bruce: *heavier sigh*

Jason: yeah?! well fuck you; you think i'm hearing that shit and not wiping your shit out? you needed the fucking ego check, bitch. come at me.

Bruce: can we please just leave it in the past? you're both alive, that's all that matters.

Jason: *disgruntled muttering* fuckin' lucky i felt bad for you, you little-

Bruce: Hood.

Jason: FINE.

*five seconds of silence*

Bruce, hesitantly: ...witchcraft, son?

Damian: -oh fuck off, father. i was nine years old, it was my first time seeing an ipad turned on, and he was making the innards of a fucking computer system come to life. you wanted me to live up to my IQ sooner than that then you should've fucking put more effort into checking into whether any of those blank shots actually hit their mark.

Dick, Jason and Tim: *choke*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 58 (masterpost here)

Bruce: ok, when their meeting is over me and Robin will tail the leader. Red Robin i want you to go contact Nightwing and Red Hood; they're working together in the Bowery and if they're available i want them to come join us for this.

Tim: *whining* aw, come on B, make Robin go and talk to them, not me! those two are so annoying when they've been together alone for a while.

Damian: don't argue with Batman, Red. shame on you.

Tim: *pointed squeak of indignance* -see! he knows they'll be up to some bullshit and he doesn't want to deal with it! why do i?!

Bruce: Red, i understand you get impatient sometimes but Hood and Nightwing are professionals with more experience than you. i'm sure they're hard at work right now, i just need you to switch lines and let them know that if their case wraps up early then we could do with extra hands over here.

Tim: hard at work- B when those two dipshits are left alone together to figure something out, their method of 'working' is to fuck around and hope it all comes together in the end. it's like they cancel out each other's brain cells.

Bruce, admonishing: they are perfectly competent, Red. when was the last time either Nightwing or Red Hood failed at a case?

Tim: JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A HIGH SUCCESS RATE DOESN'T MEAN THEY AREN'T IDIOTS?!

*a beat*

Damian: yeah good job Red, try yelling louder i think some of the guards on the other side of the building didn't hear you.

Bruce: *frustrated sigh* just start tailing that car, Red. me and Robin are going after the leader. and speak to Hood and Nightwing, i promise you it will be fine.

Tim: *disbelieving huff of laughter* oh do you?! ok fuck this i will bet you anything that if we switch to their line right now it will be complete bullshit. anything--i'll bet fucking Drake Manor on it.

Bruce: Red, don't be ridiculous.

Tim: no! no, let's do this, i'll put my ancestral home on the line. and when i win, i want a month of paid vacation from WE, and i want you to have to come up with an excuse as to why you granted it to the board. are you that confident in your kids, Batman?

*a pause*

Bruce: we don't have time for-

Tim: HA.

Bruce: -ok you know what? fine, Red, fine. don't be all pouty for the rest of the night when you're wrong, though.

Tim: *smug hum*

Damian: *suffering sigh*

Bruce: Oracle, can you merge our line with the one Hood and Nightwing are using?

*another pause*

*two pings*

*loud instant wheezing*

Dick: -THIS IS A GENUINE ISSUE, JASON,

Jason: *wet, high-pitched cackles* WHY- WHY DID YOU-

Dick: YOU FUCKING PUSHED ME.

Jason: I- *wheeze* *weak* i didn't,

Dick, completely distraught: YOU DID. IT'S ALL OVER MY HANDS AND I CAN'T- dude i'm so- *huffing laugh* i can't- i'm so uncomfortable, you gotta- *wheeze*

Jason: *still struggling to breathe* I GOTTA-?!

Dick, wetly: *giggles* Jason i'm so- i'm so uncomfortable. i can't adjust my suit with this shit all over my hands and it's not coming off!

Jason: *sniff* you're so lucky it's not acidic- *abrupt cackle* -STOP TRYING TO WALK AROUND, IT WON'T HELP!

Dick: i need the- the fabric won't move,

Jason: what, are you trying to fuckin' dance? you aren't gonna fix it by squatting. can't you just take off the gloves?

Dick: *in a devastated wail* NO BECAUSE THIS STUPID GOOP HAS FUSED THE LINING TO THE REST OF THE FUCKING SUIT, JASON HELP ME. i'm serious- i can't, Jay i can't- this is the most uncomfortable i've ever been. you have to help. you have to be my hands.

Jason: I HAVE TO- *loud wheeze*

Dick, shaky: you have to- *snort* you need to do this for me,

Jason: *still crying*

Dick: Jason,

Jason, barely comprehensible from laughing: you want me to pull out your wedgy?

Dick: IT'S- IT'S GOING FURTHER UP,

Jason: *loses his complete shit*

Dick: JUST- JUST- *also loses his complete shit*

*nothing but constant breathless laughter*

Bruce: ok, Oracle take us out.

Dick: WAIT, BRU-?!

*two disconnecting pings*

*intense silence*

*more silence*

Tim: tell the board i'll see them next month. regards.

Bruce, despondent: just follow the fucking car, Red.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 57 (masterpost here)

Tim: -i think it's your fault, personally.

Damian: *scoff* are you joking?! it was you and your stupid party incident. who gets so bored during a stakeout that they go and join the people they're watching?!

Tim: it was like five minutes! i only stole some beer, grow up.

Damian: yes, and now because of you, none of us are allowed to do stakeouts with each other.

*connecting ping*

Damian: -i don't see how we all have to be punished just because a select few of us are idiots and can't control their intrusive thoughts.

Jason: if this is because of the melon, i already apologised to Nightwing like ten times.

Damian: no- *pause* what?

Jason: what?

Damian: we're talking about Father banning multi-person stakeouts because of Red Robin?

Jason: oh. well to be fair that wasn't because of Red.

Tim: SEE?

Jason: yeah that wasn't any of us, that's just B not wanting us to speak to each other.

Damian: what are you talking about?

Jason: yeah he figured out that every time we get bored on stakeouts together we start talking about him, and he's afraid we'll unionise against him so he's just limiting shared contact. But he can't say that's the reason why, so he's lying about it being a danger or whatever.

Tim: that's such bullshit.

Jason: *considering noise* i mean, it is and it isn't.

Tim, indignant: whose side are you on-?

Jason no- *wheeze* no look, i'm not saying i agree with him, but like... you have to admit most of the time if any of us are left unsupervised, he does end up somehow suffering.

Damian: we're not that bad-

Jason, supremely incredulous: we're not that- coming from you, that's insane; you're literally the worst one.

Damian: *offended* eh-!?

Jason: you two- you two were literally left unsupervised for like five minutes and you came up with a game that ended in B's parents ashes being brought out on patrol, i don't wanna hear arguing on this one, this is completely on you.

Tim: -WELL OK THAT WAS MORE HIM THAN ME-

Damian: i have no regrets, i won fair and square.

Jason: yeah- Rob you realise me and Goldie were like, hardcore theorising about why Robin and Batman weren't working together as much as they used to before that? like we fully thought something must have happened in secret and there was some big conspiracy as to why B was letting you out on your own so much. and then you fucking did that and we were just like 'ok actually never mind, we'd want a break from you too.'

Tim: *bursts out laughing* no ok- hold on he's right, you- *wheeze*

Jason: RIGHT?! you see what i fucking mean? B is terrified of Robin. the last thing he wants is to create more environments for him to bounce off of us and be worse.

Damian: he is not- you're being ridiculous.

Jason: *laughing* Rob, you gotta understand that B has been afraid of himself since he was like, ten years old. that's why there's so many contingency plans for like, alternate universal shit and body-stealing and shit. his worst case scenario is himself.

Tim: *wheeze* and then fucking- *cough* oh, now i feel bad for him; imagine being that scared of yourself and then finding out you literally reproduced what is essentially a 99% accurate mini-clone of yourself.

Jason: exactly.

Damian: ...huh.

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: actually you know what? when you dropped me on the manor's doorstep and i told Father who i was, the first thing he did was whimper slightly and ask 'if i was sure'.

Tim: *abrupt loud cackles*

Damian: -which like, at the time i didn't know the man so i just ignored it out of politeness,

Jason: -you are literally so much like him its scary, R. not only that but you're him plus assassin DNA. plus a non-empathetic upbringing, plus- and this is the worst thing about it i promise you, plus, you're a him that's growing up within the battlefield of having like. six siblings.

Tim: *laughing uncontrollably*

Damian: ...holy fuck i am my father's worst nightmare.

Tim: *choking wheezes*

Damian: shut the- *slight wheeze* shut the fuck up, Red.

Tim: no i'm- *sounding wet* it's not funny, i'm not laughing, i just- *collapses into giggles again*

Damian, audibly amused: this is so unfair! you literally raised me to be like this, Hood. you were my biggest influence growing up!

Jason: yeah i know, i- *wheeze* that's why i did it.

Damian: ON PURPOSE?!

Jason, solemn: -dude i was really mad at Batman at the time.

Tim: i can't- i can't breathe-

Damian, whining: IT'S NOT FUNNY.

*connecting ping*

Dick: gentlemen, fine weather we're having here,

Damian: NIGHTWING. what's my father's biggest fear?

Dick, instantly: you being corrupted by us, next question.

Tim: *starts laughing again*

Damian: ok well fuck all of you. actually, Nightwing, while you're here, another question for you.

Dick: yah?

Damian: what happened between you, Hood, and a melon?

*two disconnecting pings*

Damian: cowards.

Tim, through tears: i'm totally dressing up as you next Halloween, by the way.

Damian: if i can become Batman's worst fear then i can become yours too, Red. don't test me.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 56 (masterpost here)

Tim: investigating the sex crime rings is the worst, but you gotta admit it does open your eyes to how... wide, the range of people's specific tastes are.

Damian: ok i'm not touching that box. that's clearly a box of uncleaned sex toys; im a minor, that's all you Nightwing.

Dick: *disgusted* mmmmm..... *whining* i'm gonna get a disease,

Tim: you're literally wearing gloves; we need to take some stuff back for DNA tracking.

Dick: well that's easy for you to say, you don't have to look through the used stuff!

Tim, unsympathetic: -listen i wanted to raid this place yesterday, before the orgy. you made us wait, you can deal with the consequences.

Damian: what are you looking at Red?

Tim: come see.

*a beat*

Damian: *snort* holy fuck, how many different ones are there?

Tim: that's what i mean, like who decides to manufacture this?!

Dick: *sounding slightly ill* what are you two looking at? i don't want Robin too deeply involved in this case, guys, he's just supposed to be lookout.

Damian: Red found the lube stash. we're seeing how many different flavours there are.

Tim: i feel like if banging isn't that satisfying for you on its own, then the problem is probably something way different than the flavour. i don't think these would help.

Damian: honestly if i was sucking dick and i tasted blueberries it would probably take me out of the mood, just from pure confusion.

Dick, aghast: ROBIN. i don't wanna hear you talking about that kind of thing?!

Damian: i'm almost fifteen, Nightwing.

Tim: *abrupt laugh* ok, you turned fourteen like two months ago-,

Dick: EITHER WAY TOO YOUNG.

Damian: *snicker*

*dull clattering*

Tim: HOLD ON, EVERYBODY SHUT UP. ok i found the winner. ladies and gentlemen, bakewell tart flavoured lube.

Damian: *cackles* no way,

Dick: guys, stop messing around. we don't know when they'll come back.

Tim: my thing about flavoured lube is that, like; somebody at the factory has to check the flavour is right before they roll it out to the public, right? so do you think- *snicker* do you- somewhere out there, there is a guy whose job is literally, 'eat lube'.

Damian, holding back laughter: ah, my dream job.

Tim: *cackle*

Damian: do you think it's accurate?

Tim, pointed: ...i dunno..,

*three seconds of silence*

Dick, wary: what are you guys doing over there?

Tim: i mean... it's still sealed and unopened, nobody's touched this one.

Damian: i will give you five dollars.

Tim: five dollars is not worth eating strange foraged lube from a crate in a warehouse, Robin.

Damian: ten.

*a beat*

Tim: yeah ok.

*faint uncapping noise*

Dick: woah hey hold on- OI- PUT THAT DOWN- YOUR DAD IS A BILLIONAIRE WHATDOYOUNEEDTENDOLLARSFOR-