My dreams have been vivid as hell this past summer/fall. They aren’t wildly unrealistic or fantastical by any means, which makes it all the more exhausting. Most nights, my dreams are composed of everyday life scenarios and scenes, ones that could very well happen. This makes it confusing upon waking up, because It feels like i’ve just gotten home from a long day of events, rather than a wild nonsensical journey. It fucks with my emotions and my state of mind heavily the next day. I don't know how to act around that person i dreamt about, or the identity if that person is forever tainted.
Last night, I had a dream that I was at the In-n-out drive thru in the backseat of my friend’s car, and as we pulled up, we realized that the employee at the window to take our order was an ex partner of mine. Immediately, I felt the social anxieties that i’d most likely feel If I truly was experiencing this encounter in real life. My face became enflamed, I felt myself shrinking smaller and smaller, I didn't know where to look, how to hold my body, where to put my arms and legs. I wanted to look casual, normal. Like I had no idea that he was there. I wanted him to see me, and to understand that I didn’t see or acknowledge him. I ordered a hamburger without cheese, and a carton of OJ. (OK so this is the only unrealistic part of the dream, because in-in-out doesn't have OJ). After ordering without tripping over my words, I felt confident. I had successfully gave him my order without letting on that I knew who I was giving my order to. From where I was in the backseat, I wasn’t able to see his face. From where he was standing, he wasn’t able to see mine. Regardless of this barrier between us, he knew who I was because he recognized my voice. He knew I was no longer a vegetarian, because I ordered a burger. He knew I was still a child in many ways, because I ordered a carton of OJ. For some reason, I liked that. He could see how little and how much I’d changed at the same time - the perfect balance Â
My elbow rested casually on my knee, and I appeared relaxed. (even though I didn't feel that way). When we pulled up to the next window to pick up our order and pay, there he was again. It felt exhausting to have another encounter with him, especially because I had played it so cool the first time and didn't know how to repeat it. I found a blanket in the backseat, and burrowed beneath it. Hiding felt like the only solution - my biggest weakness.Â
When we drove away, I looked back to see his face. I noticed that he’d shaved his head, and realized that he’d abandoned his music career to work at a fast food chain in his childhood suburb. Regardless, I caught him smiling ear to ear at a customer, and still found myself envying him.
Although I hadn’t dreamed about him in awhile, or seen him in over a year, It felt like a relief to let him go.Â
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