I notice that oftentimes people tend to hear “I am polyamorous” and understand “I sleep around a lot.” And that’s sad to me, because while physical intimacy is a part of many poly relationships, it’s so very far from The Point.
For me being polyamorous has never meant the absence of commitment, or a disinclination to be “stuck with one person.” Quite the opposite, in fact. For me it has always been the acceptance of more commitments. I want to be able to be curious and vulnerable and intimate with multiple people and not to limit the depth of the connections I feel based on the (somewhat arbitrary, in my mind) idea that you should only have “real” feelings for one person at a time.
I’ve also never been comfortable with the idea that you must have exclusive, proprietary rights to touch someone else’s genitals in order to call a relationship “real” or “serious.” Sure, if that is a way that you choose to express your commitment, then go for it. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. But, please, offer me the same courtesy and understand that I do express commitment to my partners. Just not in that one, specific way. And, gosh, monogamous or polyamorous, can’t we all agree that there are dozens of other incredibly important elements to a healthy, mature relationship that are just as important as (or more important than) sex?
When I say I am in a relationship with someone, what I mean is that I enjoy spending time with them and I make a point to do so, and they feel similarly towards me. I call them my partner because their presence delights me, seeing them calms my anxieties, touching them comforts me – I am happier, healthier, and otherwise better off because they are in my life. It’s about investing in other people, feeling your investment returned, and letting each other know that you’re planning to stick around to share happiness together and support each other through hard times.
And so with all that in mind, it saddens me that, almost without exception, when I tell people I’m polyamorous, their VERY FIRST comments are invariably something like, “Wait, so you get to sleep with whoever you want?”
Ughhhhhh… Yes, I do have the chance to be physically intimate with multiple people. And sure, that’s fun, absolutely! But sex is only one facet of a relationship. And not even the most important one, in my opinion. Even the most casual “friends with benefits” situation implies the presence of friendship! And friendship is wonderful. Reducing all polyamorous relationships, conceptually, to being only about sex is an unfair oversimplification. Like all other human relationships, they are varied, complex, and unique.
(This was going to be a comment on this Ask that @theruleset posted earlier but, as usual, I talk too much, and I didn’t want to hijack his thread)
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