A Really Fucking Vulgar Guide to Not Losing Your Shit in College (Condensed Version)
Bitches love to put things into lists. Moreover, bitches love numbered shit. Hereâs some numbered shit in list format to help you not suck in higher education. Youâre welcome.
1. Go to class. Like 210% serious. I donât give a shit if youâre a get by on nothing, A+ slacker. Youâre fucking paying for this crap so you might as well get the services owed to you. Take your ass to class even if you zone out 99% of the time. You know 1% more than you did when you walked up in there. Congrats, asshole.
2. All that free time you have during your first week of classes? Make it your bitch. Donât just print the goddamn syllabus and be like all done. No motherfucker. Take a good fucking look at that assignment list. Whatâs due next week? Yeah, do that shit now bc I know you donât have anything else to do. Then when youâre coughing up a lung six weeks into the semester and donât feel like getting your ass up to do that calculus homework, youâll remember this week. Youâll remember that youâve been a week ahead this whole damn semester. Pat yourself on the back, ass wipe.
3. Prepare yo self. No seriously. You got notes to print for class? Sure you could be like all those other bitches and just shove them into your backpack, or you could actually /prepare/ for class. Iâm talking looking that shit over, identifying key concepts, getting a decent grasp of the material before your ass is even in class. You a STEM major? Yeah, make this kinda shit your life because now class is like one bomb ass group review session. Again, youâre welcome.
4. Snack like a motherfucker, but save that junk food shit for the weekends. From now on, you are a fucking health guru during the week or if youâre a slacker like me, at least on the days you have class. Fruits? Hell yeah. Pack some of those. Mind wandering in class? Snack on some apple slices. Canât stay awake? Keep eating some almonds or some shit, but donât be that bitch with the potato chips. Just donât.
5. Read. Yeah, you heard me. Read and Iâm not just talking assigned reading. I bet my left butt cheek that your campus library has /something/ of interest to you. Commuting and donât want to drive out there? Library databases bro. Weâre in the digital age, motherfucker. Iâd bet my other butt cheek that the shit you want is in a nice little PDF somewhere. But na man, you thinking maybe you want to go into computer science? Check out computer science books and eat them up bro. You donât like reading them? Probably not the field for you. You a biology major in your second year? Yeah dumbass. Time to break out the bio books and not the ones your professor is shoving in your face. Amaze your friends and teachers with your out of class knowledge. Be a fucking star.
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