csa trauma

[csa-trauma]

i’m not sure if i had ever mentioned this, but the person who did this to me was my grandfather. he passed away from the virus recently and i’m not sure how to feel or if i’m supposed to feel anything. i feel numb about it, not happy or sad or relieved or better or worse. i always thought when he passed i’d feel free, but i guess i don’t.

i hope you guys are all doing well and staying safe, if you haven’t been told this today know i genuinely love you. also, stop being mean to yourself, you matter.

[csa-trauma]

Hey guys I’m not sure if you guys rlly need to know but I’m still here haha. I took a little break from everything just because I wasn’t in the right mental space, but I’m here and safe:)❤️

[csa-trauma]

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying. Why can’t I stop crying?

What’s wrongs with me? Nothings wrong, nothing bad has happened. So why am I crying?

It feels like my heart is rotting. It’s like, when a tiny problem hurts it, it just spreads and spreads and spreads until the whole thing is rotten.

Do I have someone to reach out to? Yes. Do they want to hear from me? I don’t know. What would I even say? I’m such a bother. I feel like I annoy him with my problems. I wouldn’t even be able to say anything. I’m so stupid.

[not-my-fault-i-promise]

I d o n t w a n t t o h e a l

[csa-trauma]

I always go back to him after he makes me cry,

Shit, i beg him to take me back

To not leave me

Why am I like this?

[csa-trauma]

It’s not my fault, right?

It was his fault

It’s not my fault I was just a kid it can’t be my fault

He’s to blame

[csa-trauma]

I’m rotting.

I feel empty.

I’m not myself.

[csa-vents]

why would you do that to me?

[csa-trauma]

Everyday is hard. I haven’t felt real happiness in a very long time.

Sometimes I feel fine, and that’s a great thing. But usually I don’t feel fine.

There’s always a cloud. I call it a cloud because that’s what it feels like, I can feel the sadness.

And so I laugh and laugh and I’m loud and I do all these things to pretend I’m happy.

And that’s why I cry a lot. Because I’m always on the verge of tears anyways, so little things just push me over the edge.

Pretending to be happy is getting harder. And I’m really tired.

[csa-trauma]

To everyone that visits my blog

I’m sorry for what you have been through, what you’re going through. I know why you’re on here, I know you’re looking for someone that can say that you are not alone. For someone to say that what you went through is valid, yes it did happen. And you’re looking for q way to cope. Please reach out to me at any time, I’ll even give you my socials so we can talk their and become friends. You are loved, and you are important. Stay safe, please.

[csa-trauma]

Why’d it have to be me? What did I do to deserve it? Did he hate me? Or love me too much? I have so many questions.

[csa-trauma]

Sometimes my head is empty and I feel numb.

Sometimes my head is full and I feel everything at once.

I don’t like either of the two.

[babieshands]

don’t reblog if you’re not a trauma victim

[csa-trauma]

Can someone care about me, and help me through this? I just need to know someone fucking there, I just need to know someone cares enough to want me alive

[csa-trauma]

Everyone has different reasons they cut, they need to see blood, they need to feel somethings, anything.

I do it because I think I deserve it.

I’m a vile person who causes other people sadness. I cause people pain, I make people hurt. That’s disgusting. I’m disgusting.

I don’t deserve to feel anything but pain.

[csa-trauma]

I’m rotting from the inside out

[csa-trauma]

I’m going to blame my abuser for everything, idc

He fucked up my brain, my psychology, my perspective, my everything.

He gave me mental illnesses I may not have if it weren’t for him.

And worst of all, because of him, I don’t have the coping skills I need. Because I was so fucking young I never got the chance to learn how to cope.

So not only did he break me, he ruined the chance of me being able to heal myself.