Christian Single Girls Guide

Some hopefully funny and Biblical thoughts on what it means to be single and everything before and after

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When meeting guys become your #1 priority

(Note to all readers: I haven’t written in a long time. There are many reasons and perhaps the most prominent is the fact that I spent nearly two years in a job that sucked the creativity right out of me. While blaming a job isn’t necessarily a correct thing to do, it is my reality. But now I’m back!)

I have a confession to make: I’ve made this year much about meeting guys. Often my primary reason for going to anything is to meet men. And yes I go to a lot of events and out with friends but I didn’t realize I was so intentional about this until recently. I went to a holiday party, one that in theory I was host of (although all I had to do was show up) and by the end of the night I went home quite dissatisfied. Overall it was a successful night as we had a good number of guests, enough food, and for the most part the friends I invited seemed like they were having a good time.

But I felt empty because my own expectations weren’t met. In fact looking back, my happiest moment that night was when I gave a girl who was looking for work some advice because I was able to help.

Later on that week I spent time with my youth at an event downtown and again there were people to meet but this time my head space wasn’t in guys. I was focused on my youth.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to meet men. But when that becomes your primary objective then it becomes an idol. And then everyone and every action is judged based on that. It also builds up expectations that are often not realistic because much of what happens is not in your control. And if that disappointment becomes directed at God then that resentment becomes a wedge.

Maybe that sounds extreme but when we try to do things our own way or we put a lot of stock in anything else other than Jesus we are bound to be disappointed.

I used to believe and still do that marriage isn’t a necessity in this life. Certainly it’s important but not necessary. The only necessary thing we need is to obey and worship God and bring people to Jesus. That is our purpose. Beyond that is just extra.

So remember that next time you’re finding yourself focused on trying to meet guys. If God is using you and working through you then in every situation there will be an opportunity for you to glorify Him. If you find yourself focused on anything else, drop the intention and reprioritize to do what is better.

Meeting guys should always accompany something else bigger. It should be a secondary, tertiary, or quaternary priority. And when Jesus becomes your primary priority there will be no disappointment, or resentment and just joy. Because isn’t that what we’re all looking for anyways?

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Dealing with fatal attraction

So you like someone you shouldn't. Okay, well maybe that's a bit strong. Maybe it's just that you're attracted to him.

But he's not a Christian. He's married, engaged, or in a relationship. He's a stalker. He's physically/emotionally/mentally unavailable. Choose one.

No matter, it's a difficult situation to deal with. You can't necessarily control who you're attracted to and God makes some pretty attractive people. Trust me, I get it. But it makes it very difficult to stay on the straight and narrow when all you want to do is join him on a very wide road.

Here's what you do: nothing. Let. It. Lie.

I used to think that you had to actively work against it or completely get rid of him from your life. Well, you can try those things but more often than not, these people are in your life for the foreseeable future and instead of letting your mind wander into the unknown (but want to know) territory, I just tell myself that if it's God's will, this guy wouldn't be someone I shouldn't be attracted to.

And then exercise some of that self control.

Despite the fact that this guy may be a distraction - and temptation - there are greater things at stake. I've been accused in my younger life of being the girl who spent too much time with someone's boyfriend and I never want to go back there again. I don't want to be asked if I'm seeing my guy coworker and I certainly do not want to have an affair with someone.

Remember that God gives us temptations that we can overcome. He instilled in us the Holy Spirit and He will do His work if we let Him. But if you're finding that you can't, that you want to be destructive, that you're lonely/bored/scared, then perhaps it's time you start to think about your relationship with Jesus. Because there's something there that is causing unbelief and instead of trusting Jesus you’re betting on some guy who you can't have, and even so, not entirely.

If the God of this universe can move mountains and give the greatest people to even those who don't believe Him, how much greater will He do for us who love Him? Trust and obey. And let it lie.

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The cost of singleness

The difference between calling ourselves a Christian and actually being one is what Jesus said in Matthew 10:38: “Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” Choosing the cross is a choice we have to make daily because we are obedient to Jesus.

Following Jesus comes with a cross. But then again, there’s also one for not choosing Him. When it comes to singleness, being a Christian isn’t just applicable to being in a relationship, but also when we’re not in one.

It might appear to be a small price to pay, but when you’re in it, not so much. When you choose Jesus it means you’re not going to date people who don’t share your faith. And sometimes that is the most difficult thing to do because Christians haven’t cornered the market on being good people or even ones you want to date. Sometimes it’s quite the opposite. If I had my way, I would have dated quite a few people by now, none of whom are Christian.

For me, this area was kind of a strange one. I never thought I would be attracted to non-Christians or date them. I now stand corrected. It's funny because you grow up knowing and thinking that you won't date a non-Christian and then you do. But that's for another post. I've gotten into fights with guys who don't understand why I can't date them, and I've had friends challenge me on this as well. And I have to admit it, sometimes those Christian guys just don't cut it. (And there aren't that many around! I'm not complaining, just stating truth.) I've wasted my time with non-Christians and the pay off is that you end up back where you started. So nowadays, I have to choose Jesus because I don't want to waste my time and more importantly, I have to believe that God has better for me than what I can imagine. And he's going to be a follower of Jesus. If you feel high and dry and a little down from the fact that you've got no one to hang out with romantically, I want to encourage you that this is your cross and that like Jesus, we need to own it. Because what is amazing is that while we're in those fights with those guys or in conversations with others about why we only date Christians, we are in fact testifying with our words and actions that Jesus is worth it and that He loves us so much more than we could ever imagine and that He fills our hearts more than any other guy. We are doing some pretty crazy evangelism right there. Your life choices speak loudly about your priorities and the things that matter in life. Let your life shine as you carry that cross. Stay strong, Dia

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Heeding the signs (about that guy)

I've said this before: there is a cost for following Jesus and it doesn't end just because it's your love life. But what's amazing is that even though this is the case, God never leaves you hanging. When you make the decision to obey and to follow God, He's going to work. So I found myself over the past couple of months stuck on this guy who is a really good friend of mine but he wasn't Christian. I was soo close to telling him that I was attracted to him, risking our friendship. So close. But I never got the chance. I was so busy the last couple of months that I didn't have time to hang out with him - alone, and he was so into his work that it also never happened. He would call me when I was out and I couldn't answer his calls. Months past and when we finally made plans to all hang out with a group of friends, he mentioned that he needed to go shopping for work clothes and so I obviously offered my services (duh!). We were supposed to go before the group dinner but the day before, he had to bail because he had a work thing. We still made plans to head to the dinner together. As I was getting ready, he tells me that our mutual friend was also heading down with us. We almost left without her because we got our signals mixed up but nope, she managed to come down with us. So no alone time. To top all of that off, I ended up getting pretty sick during our dinner that I had to go home. My friends ended up going out until the wee hours and so I basically missed a whole night hanging out with my him *ahem* friends. There are no coincidences in life. God's hand is in everything. I knew that God wanted mr to stop thinking about this guy and the way towards that was to simply stop spending time with him. And God moved me right towards that, even giving some strange health issues that just took everything out of me. I had no other choice but surrender. Often God puts some pretty obvious signs in front of us, steering us away from people and things and situations that are bad for us. If we have a relationship with Jesus, we will see them. And they will keep us from going farther than we want to, and deeper than we ever intended. God will rein us back. But the question is: are you heeding the signs? I'm not sure what God has in store for me but I know He's got a better guy than this one and all signs point to that. Eyes open and upward! Dia

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How to meet people

Meeting people can often be difficult. We don't have town hall dances anymore where introductions can be made. We've even moved away from clubs and bars because online dating has taken over. A few months ago I talked about my excursion into online dating. It wasn't earth shattering and I mean that in many ways. Online dating has become somewhat of a norm and yet I still find it non-traditional. I thought I would have a better attitude towards it and I don't. I didn't develop an affinity to online dating that so many people have. There are a few reasons for this. I find that the image I portray of myself doesn't really match who I actually am. I also can't get over putting my entire life into a series of questions and answers. I think people judge way too harshly (I'm guilty of this as well) on pictures that often don't resemble you at all. I wish I had a better attitude towards it. I also question whether God wanted me to try online dating to begin with, but that's another matter altogether. I think that whatever means you know of to meet people has to adhere to who you are and what you're comfortable with. I know it's often a numbers game and people cite them as reasons for why the pond is indeed bigger with online dating. But for me, I want to know that God will bring me someone in a way that I'm comfortable with. I enjoy meeting people. I talk to strangers regularly. I'm not afraid of going up to someone and starting a conversation. I always say that if you're meeting guys, regardless of whether they're Christian or single or not then you are on track. If you're not regularly meeting guys then you probably need to consider other ways of meeting people. I'm not going to tell you why you shouldn't online date. I know people who like the amount of attention you get on there and it helps them break the ice because they don't approach people in real life. But if you're not one of those people and you're unsure where to begin let me suggest a few guiding principles: - Do something you consider fun. This doesn't have to be a hobby. Maybe you really enjoy making coffee so maybe get a part time job at a coffee place. But if you find that you don't have any hobbies then try new things. Take up a sport or painting. Just try something. Who knows who you'll meet along the way. - It can be a triple whammy-Online dating doesn't give you any added benefits other than meeting potential partners. But if you do something you love where you get to also meet people then you get to achieve a few more goals. For me, I love working with students so I'm very involved with my alma mater. I'm looking to get more involved at a leadership level and this is my way of giving back, doing what I love, and meeting people. Triple whammy baby! - Actually meet people- I find that often we go to events or places thinking we'll meet someone and we don't because we don't do it. And honestly just because there aren't any guys there doesn't mean they don't know any. But nothing can happen unless someone starts talking. So bring a friend with you who isn't afraid of going up to someone and chatting. Who knows what will happen? - It's about relationship building- A girl came to my small group a few years ago and after one week never came back. Her goal was really obvious: she wanted to meet guys. And because after one meeting she didn't connect immediately with one, she left. I think that small groups are a spiritual discipline and they are meant to help us grow as Christians in community. Can we meet guys there? Absolutely. But it should not be our only goal. We need to do this this dignity. Spend time in community with others and build relationships. We can't do this thing called life alone. I think that often meeting guys seems like a chore, can be disheartening and it can be really hard. But I also think that if it's your only goal for whatever you're doing then you're missing out on all the great things that come along with it. We just need to keep living life, growing more in love with Jesus and trusting Him, and keeping our hearts open along the way.

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What's wrong with me?

Isn't this the question of the century? Or maybe it just feels like a century. I think inevitably there are times when we ask this question, even if it's just to ourselves because if you're not married or in a relationship, you start to wonder if there's something heinously wrong with you that is repelling people away. Because even if you're super secure like me (on most days ha), there are still times when you wonder if only the pretty, (say it with me) skinny, tall girls that guy the guy. Like it's some sort of privilege they have. And often when I've had these moments of pure doubt, I've asked guys. Sometimes, let's be honest, things go beyond that of asking simply a question because you want validation, but that's for another post. When I asked my guy friend about this a while back, someone I really trusted, you know what he said? That he really respected that I was looking for a Christian and that because of that I wasn't in a relationship (read: they're hard to find). But when I meet him, it's going to be beautiful. That, my friends, is what's wrong with you. That is to say, nothing. I truly believe that if you're in a relationship with Jesus that is growing and deepening, He'll be working on you, refining those parts of your life that are a bit sharp-edged. This is going to happen regardless of whether you're married or not. So the whole "what's wrong with me?" question doesn't even have a place in this conversation. Or in any conversation. If you have areas of insecurities or places in your life that you're ashamed of (we all do), then I challenge you to lift those up in prayer and pray victory over them. The people who I've always felt fit into the "deserve to be married" category because they were thin and pretty, etc. have a lot of their own issues that often aren't pretty. And instead of us being envious of them, we should realize that beyond the physical, we're the same people inside. And it's worth all of the love in this world and beyond.

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On giving wedding speeches

I would like to spend some time writing about friendship. Now, I know, given that this blog is all about singleness, perhaps the most natural place your mind goes to is that of platonic friendships. Yes, I have a lot of guy friends, I think I've written about that in past posts, but no, today is not about that. We are celebrating friendships with the same sex. Recently (as many of my blog posts start), I was having dinner with a girlfriend and she talked about the trip she was taking soon with her boyfriend and how she might come back engaged. She was not being presumptuous as she had evidence to back her claims up. I told her I was happy for her. And then, because our friendship is not the usual ones that keep to the surface, I asked her how she felt about it and whether she would say yes. She paused, and said, "I'm going to say yes but I just need to get there." She went on to say that he wasn't perfect, but neither was she and the finality of marriage was daunting. But she no doubt was going to get to yes. For me, I'm sure she'll say yes, and I'm 90% sure that if she does get engaged, I'm going to stand up at her wedding. And I will likely have to do a speech. I think far too often, though, wedding speeches made by anyone at weddings are typically filled with praises about how the bride and groom are intelligent, kind, interesting, loving...the list goes on. But very rarely do they explain why they are interesting or kind or loving. I find it rather sad actually because you have a forum to really speak truth and life into this couple and instead often the remarks remain flat. Now, I don't want to judge too much. Instead, I want to encourage you, whether you will be giving a speech or not, to reflect on your friendships as if you were. Because I think what I will end up saying about my friend is that she used to be very much a perfectionist and now she's learned that perfection in people is relative and subjective. She's learned realistic expectations because she's had to face a lot of difficult times, especially at work where her dream of being an investment banker changed when she was pushed out of her finance jobs. But she worked hard and she became flexible, enough to try something different and her life is so much better for it. Don't worry, I'll make all of that sound amazing. I think the best thing about our friendship is the fact that we are honest with one another, but always in a loving way. I like asking her for advice because she gives really good advice and often I find myself passing it along to others. On the other hand, she's an excellent listener and she hears what I have to say and puts it into action. The best advice giver is one who can also take advice from others. I think that if wedding speeches were honest and candid in this way, if they took the audience on a journey of how these people came to be who they were today, we can then say with confidence that their character (and God) are what will help them move into the next stage of their lives.

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What are you so afraid of?

It amazes me that across time, and certainly within the past couple of decades in which people spend more time than ever being single, everyone equates being single with uncertainty. And being alone. And being lonely. And being unloved. So I ask you, because clearly you're reading this for a reason, what are you afraid of by being a single person? I think each of us have a very specific fear associated with singleness. And many of us will never admit it to ourselves, because often we don't even know what it is. Some people are scared that singleness means that they will die alone, be alone forever. I'll tell you what I'm afraid of: I'm scared that I'm not doing anything. Standing still scares me. Maybe you're like me, thinking that singleness means we're somehow holding our breaths for life to happen, that we have no goals because we're on this "temporary" (or permanent) pause in our lives since we're not following the typical life script. Or worse, that you wasted your younger years doing nothing about relationships and then you end up one day realizing that aspect of your life was blank. Whatever your fear it, say it. Write it down. Get it out into the open. And then release it. Pray it out and then surrender it. It's a rather magnificent feeling. It's freeing. Some time ago, I went into incredible stress mode. I was literally freaking out that I wasn't doing anything. I have no idea why this happened because it never happens to me. Maybe it was PMS, who knows, but either way, I was crippled with fear from my inaction and that it would leave me drowning in a sea of regret. Thankfully, I had some sense to be ask myself where this fear came from and of course, it's not from the Lord. So I gave it up. I declared victory over this year in Jesus' name. Freedom, ladies, comes from surrender. The result? Out of this world peace that Jesus told us about in the Bible. And the greatest thing is that once you let your fear go, God moves and it's like I'm right back on track. Don't sit on the sidelines tethered to your fear. Get back on the narrow path and let Him lead you fearlessly down the road.

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Single = Not married? Thoughts from "Spinster"

I read an article a while back probably in Marie Claire or Elle that described a woman who decided to break up with her boyfriend because she became bored with him. It's a longer story than that, and the excerpt was taken completely out of context because by the time I got to the end of the article/excerpt, I saw that it was part of a larger book that just came out by Kate Bolick entitled "Spinster." Maybe I'm rather morbid or have some pretty negative thoughts, but I found myself reading the book on my ereader. I couldn't put the book down. If you're interested in a thesis-like/literary account of a woman's life, her inner most thoughts, backed by the strength of 5 women who Kate considered to be the heroes of her single life who Kate describes in detail, then you're in for a treat. As a professional writer, Kate is a prolific one. She has a way of putting words on a page that is so unique, something you certainly won't find in a book about singleness with just statistics and ways to get out of it. I'm not doing a review of the book (although I guess I sort of did just now) because I think it's definitely a great read for anyone interested in singleness, as in not married. Kate explore the cultural script that we cannot escape and contemplates whether she should "join the vast majority" and get married. To be clear, Kate is 40 and she is not married. But more importantly, her book isn't about not being in relationships (she has a TON of ex-boyfriends), just not being married. Regardless, I find that this book is more about growing up, what it means to be a real adult, than about singleness. To be honest, a lot of people call Kate selfish for choosing to not be a mother or contribute domestically. She grapples with that. But I don't think Kate is selfish at all. In fact, I think she's soberly and blatantly aware of herself, that even as she approached 40, she wasn't quite an adult. She didn't know much about taking responsibility for her life and it was only in realizing that that she could take actions to move towards adulthood. Singleness, then of course, takes a different turn, perhaps something for another book. If singleness is our time to grow up, then marriage certainly is for those who are responsible adults. Yes, some people grow up within marriages, but often the divorce rate tells us another story. Elizabeth Gilbert's "meditation" on marriage lists statistics of what makes a more successful marriage. Being young is not one of them. I find Kate courageous because it takes a real desire to get to know oneself, to spend time in deep thought and to grow up instead of trying to grow up with a husband and kids and failing at taking care of anyone. And even if she chooses to never marry, at least she is now able to call her a "real adult," one that can take care of herself and whoever else might come along.

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Fake Dating

Perhaps a rather interesting cultural phenomenon that has emerged as of late is the idea of dating, but not really dating. As men and women get older, the notion of platonic friendships often disappear. While I’d like the idea - and even the practice - of spending time with a guy, alone, over dinner or the like, the reality is that unless strong lines and boundaries are drawn, the waters get a little murky. And even when strong boundaries, such as that of marriage or even religion are present, often the water gets a little murky even when no one is looking.

Putting the debate over platonic friendships aside, I find that this quasi-dating situation is a reality of most of our lives. It’s rather unfortunate because you could in essence be dating plenty of men (for me in this case) and find yourself in multiple “relationships” that for all intents and purposes are prima facie, a real live romantic relationship.

But they’re not. Because no one has made a real move, no DTR (define the relationship) conversation ever took place, maybe there’s not even any physical contact beyond that of the usual platonic friendly hug. But you spend significant amounts of time together, maybe you flirt quite a bit, and worse, you don’t tell anyone about it, especially if you have mutual friends.

What we are doing is building a whole life with this person, investing time and energy into a relationship that at the end of a few months, leads nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.

The difference between this quasi-dating situation and a real friendship is that with friendship, there are actual lines and no one is living in denial. There is a stark, sometimes auditory “contract” so to speak that no one is interested in the other. I have good friends like this. We can talk about God, or boys (in his case, girls) freely and there’s an exchange of words and support. And that’s it.

But when there are feelings, even if they’re just a mustard seed, or someone crosses the line, well, then we enter into this grey zone and it’s a rather complicated one, littered with casualties, often our own emotions.

My friend recently told me that she had to end four of these quasi-relationships. That she had to “take the chips back” because she found herself “dating” these guys but they led nowhere and she was frankly, wasting her time.

I don’t know what it took for her to get there but I think this requires a lot of courage. Regardless of whether you’re Christian or not, being single can be a lonely situation. Especially if the notion of being single is fine with you but it seems like there are no guys around who would hang out with you under purely platonic circumstances.

But these quasi-relationships are in fact lies and they are the worst kinds because they are the ones against ourselves. And parting with these relationships are painful for two reasons: because we must admit to ourselves why we ended up in them in the first place (often due to boredom or loneliness), and because at the end of it, there’s nothing there. It is an abrupt whimper, a sigh almost, and in an instant, it’s gone. Poof. With no remnants to remind us of what once was.

No matter how hard these relationships are to end, we must do so because God wants more than this for us. If we are to invest, we should do it within the context of a real dating/romantic relationship, not under the guise of one. Don’t waste your time on something that isn’t real. I find not only is it an incredible waste of time but they keep us from actually looking for someone worthwhile, who would date us (and vice versa) for real.

Keeping it real,

Dia

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God & Spring Cleaning & Relationships

Happy Easter! He is risen!

What a weekend. I find myself writing this on a Sunday afternoon, tired but excited and expectant that God is going to do great things. I love it when God just shows Himself so unexpectedly but fully and completely.

Last week was incredibly long. I found myself in a panic, and to be honest, rather ashamed, that I was feeling panicked that I wouldn’t find a husband, or get married.

These are rare moments. I never really feel like this.

So I had to ask myself what the root cause of all of this was. And it’s clear: fear. Fear was ravaging like a mighty storm within me and I was being swept away by lies and the debilitating worry that I wasn’t doing anything to further my priority of getting married. Because if it was in fact a priority, why was I seemingly doing nothing?

I didn’t know what to expect this Easter weekend. Honestly, these types of panic attacks often result in cyclical logic and essentially don’t get us anywhere. So I declared God’s sovereignty and power over this fear and then I surrendered it. And then I prayed boldly that God would take this and move me, make me move, to further His priority for me.

And God met me.

I find that spring cleaning, while required for our homes and closets, and perhaps our schedules, is also required of our souls, of our minds, of our relationships.

And God CLEANED.

This weekend I confronted a lot of my toxic friendships and He pushed me forward on my marriage journey. Through words of a good friend and my mom, I realized that I was one of those “too nice” friends who would do anything for my friends, even though they didn’t treat me the same way or were so emotionally messed up that they couldn’t see past their own trauma. While we should be there to support these friends, God was helping me see that I can’t continue being abused and blamed for these people. They need professional help and until they seek it and/or find Jesus, they will remain toxic individuals.

On the topic of relationships, I got a notification from the library that the book I was looking forward to reading, “Get the Guy” by Matthew Hussey was ready for me. Cracking open that ebook I wondered if in fact, this was God’s will for me since this was clearly not a Christian book.

But what I love about God is that He uses so many non-Christian things and people to teach me great lessons. It’s so humbling. In the first chapter of the book, Matthew reveals a deeply held myth that most of us have: we see love as a result of fate or luck. I’m not saying that God doesn’t work miracles and bring guys to us, but does that mean we sit around and do nothing? No. In fact, God revealed to me that we need to think beyond that of just finding a husband because Matthew goes onto say that we need to talk to EVERYONE in order to meet more people. He gives a stats lesson on finding someone (something that I know God can debunk in 5 seconds but I digress) and states that we need to talk to everyone because they might know someone who is single and so on.

I’m a natural extrovert so talking to strangers comes easily. But even what Matthew is asking me to do appears to be a stretch. But I love that God encourages me in a completely way: talking to everyone is required in order to share our faith. How can we reach anyone if we don’t open our mouths?

God made what I thought would be an exercise in meeting more men and scaled it up to become an eternal mission. Then He reminded me that sharing with others His love and His good news cannot come from me. See, this is actually something I struggle with because I feel like such a fraud sometimes as I don’t share with others enough what Christ has done for me. I don’t share the Gospel enough and I’d like to do that more.

So my prayer is that I will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s prompting and talk to people, anyone and everyone. If God brings me someone along the way, then that’s an added bonus!

All glory be to God!

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Redefining singleness

I found out something about the Paris guy the other day. If you read my post on Paris, you'd know who I was referring to. Well, he got married. It came as a shocker and not because I was hoping to be the girl he was going to marry. I think I'm too realistic for that. But there was no indication that they were dating and then bam, they were hitched. It was one of those super low key, sign the certificate in city hall type things. They met after we did and while I'm happy he's moved on, I can't help but wonder about that girl who was so sick and oblivious in Paris but found herself in the middle of what could be written into a romance movie. When I remember who that girl was, she was fearless. She was totally in the middle of God's will and so she wasn't praying for God to bring her someone. She just trusted. And she was fully herself. Last year was a nightmare for me in so many ways. But I came out of it alive. I made major changes in my life and I know that I were to also get into a relationship, I'm not sure I could have handled all of that. Even I have to draw the line somewhere. So while 2014 was a drought in terms of guys, I entered this year optimistic. I am now more energized, invigorated and expectant, ready to embrace all that God has for me, including in my love life. But I realized that I'm no longer that girl in Paris. I find myself praying about marriage, prayers that get bolder and bolder because this is how I can grow. This is my journey. I think that every year, or every season of our lives, something needs to be redefined. Often a truth or realization from the Lord gives us the courage and strength to continue. But we change and grow and eventually, we will require something different, a new lesson and truth to hold onto. And so we begin to redefine the things that need to be defined again. Jesus reminded me that when I am fully myself, I am complete because He makes me complete. And because of that, I don't need to be anything less than confident, scared that no one will ever marry me. And that I should be expectant that I will marry someone who loves Him. So I am praying these days for the opportunities to meet people, for God to push me into unfamiliar territories so that I can show people - men and women - that I am fully me, complete in Christ.

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Admitting that I love fairy tales

I grew up as a self-professed tomboy. I played with boys, didn't like Barbies, and I always closed my eyes during kissing scenes in movies. I was never the girl who swooned at the idea of some prince coming to rescue her (contrary to what my senior kindergarten teacher said of me). There were also some studies that came out a while back stating that fairy tales were bad for little girls. 

But suddenly it's like fairy tales are everywhere. There seems to be a Cinderella remake popping up every year and I recently started watching "Once Upon a Time" again and I end up being sucked into the fantastical elements of a land far away (or just Steveston in Vancouver, BC).

And while the female leads are more kick ass and certainly less damsels in distress, what I appreciate is that at the end of the day, they are still that girl who likes the prince and wants to dance with him.

Yes, I find myself becoming what I didn't want to be as a five-year-old.

So often I find myself at odds with my mind and my heart, drawn to these stories and yet it seems so silly that I do, that somehow these are what "girls" do and I don't want to associate myself with any of it.

No matter how you feel about fairy tales, as believers, we are essentially royalty of heaven, princes and princesses. And I think when we accept this fact, we cannot but help identify with the princess dancing with the prince. These worldly stories are but glimpses of our heavenly future. They tell of the story of Jesus laying down his life and rescuing us from our wretched and futureless state. He gives us a life that is so beyond our wildest dreams that we can't help but be in awe. Or think that it must be a fairy tale. 

When I realize that such stories are pale comparisons of the eternity before us, I don't try to hide my enjoyment of fairy tales anymore. I read and watch the newest retellings of them and remind myself that one day I will look upon my King, in heaven, as royalty.

(Note: Besides watching "Once Upon a Time," some lovely YA reading you may enjoy are the Lunar Chronicles: Cinder, Scarlet, and Cress by Marissa Meyer.)

[csgg]

Longing at Christmas

Christmas seems to be a time of great depression for some. It's also really sad how many people pass away during the holiday season. Meanwhile, we are inundated with images of being surrounded by family, friends...lovers. And that can be a lot to take in if you're in a city by yourself, away from your family, or not with that significant other at Christmas.

I was sitting in church last week and my pastor preached about the longing of Mary and Joseph to meet their son in spite of all the odds, and of the 3 wise men (Balthasar, Melchior and Gaspar) who were longing to see the new King. I was thinking about the idea of longing, and how in our super comfortable lives we often forget what it's like to long for something. It's not the same as longing for some gift at Christmas. 

Being single is often a period of great longing. And if you've been single for a while, it will seem as if that's all you know. Sometimes I'm blindsided by the feeling of longing as a single person and often I try to just pray it away.

But I realize that the longing for marriage, to be a part of a covenant that represents the church and God relationship, goes deeper than just a physical or emotional longing. We often mistaken it for something on the surface, for weakness and sometimes we pity ourselves for it. Yet this longing reminds us that we are made for something that mirrors what our eternal relationship with Christ is. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not putting marriage on a pedestal. But remember that the idea of marriage is essentially holy and created by God. 

We are made for more. We are made to be in relationships that transcend a simple human experience, be it in friendships or families or marriage. And if there is a longing within you, be it for marriage or otherwise, embrace it. Let it out, don't try to shove it in a dark corner. Realize that our longing is a reminder that heaven and God are real, that Jesus died on the cross so that we can have life.

Long for something greater and let it warm your heart that we have a Savior who meets all of our needs. 

If that's not a Christmas message, I don't know what is. 

[csgg]

I'm scared (An excursion in online dating)

So I’ve made a lot of changes this year to my life. Almost every area of life, except for church (and even there’s been changes there) has completely shifted.

My love life, on the other hand, has been at a standstill. In many ways, it’s natural and I wouldn’t have it any other way because when you’re dealing with some pretty major changes in your life, the last thing you want to do is get into a new relationship. I needed some time to deal with me first.

For a long time, I really felt like God was telling me to not do any online dating because it was just a way to get into the whole dating scene and I think we need to be rather intentional about it instead of finding an easy way in.

Anyways, I was chatting with a friend of mine a few weeks ago and I said that we should try online dating in the new year because I felt like things were finally calming down and I needed to really start “getting out there” again. But I think most importantly, I have a lot of friends who’ve done it, encouraged me to do it, and I’ve always had a ton of misconceptions about it. It can be dangerous and scary and you don’t know what you’ll get.

But I don’t want to be that person who judges others for doing it and I also want to at least humble myself and try something that I feel has so many negativities associated with it.

What I thought was going to be a 2015 activity ended up to be something we ended up participating in about a week later. My friend told me about a discount on eharmony and so we ended up spending 5 hours side by side completing the incredibly long questionnaire and the profile.

My goodness is probably my only reaction to everything thus far. It is certainly not easy to get online, but it was much more isolating and sometimes discouraging than I imagined. But I thought I’d share with all of you some of the things I found to be true about online dating and I hope to write more about my experiences as time goes on. Because it is scary and while my siblings tell me that it’s a fun experience, I am still very disillusioned by the whole process.

- Go with a friend - I am thankful my Christian girlfriend is online with me because you need an incredible amount of support and you need people to tell you if you’re doing something dangerous or if he looks dangerous (seriously).

- You’ll always feel like you’re going against the grain - You’re never going to get a “good” crop of guys every day. It’s not really possible so often you’re just going to feel like there aren’t any good guys out there (and I’m not even talking about good-looking ones). But I think that’s the case whether you’re online or not. It just feels more pronounced online.

- It’s a lot of work - If the questionnaire is any indication, then you’ll figure out really quickly that online dating is work. As in it requires both a monetary and time commitment so be prepared to put in both.

- It’s going to feel like you’re picking from a catalogue - I have major issues with objectifying anyone and it certainly feels like that when you’re online dating. It’s even worse on other websites. And the worse thing is that as much as you feel like you’re objectifying others, you’re also being objectified. This is often one of the major reasons against online dating because it’s like you have to learn how to market yourself properly and that’s not how we necessarily are in real life. If you can get out of this headspace, it’ll be easier to continue on with online dating.

- You never feel like you’re picking - I hate that girls don’t really get to choose and perhaps that isn’t the case with other websites. It’s a well-known fact that as a woman, you’re supposed to let guys start the conversation and you’re only “allowed” to send smiles. It’s not a hard and fast rule and it certainly decreases the amount of work you have to put in, but it makes it really discouraging because that’s not how I am in real life. I don’t mind talking to guys. And it sucks because online, they’ve likely already looked at your profile pic so sending a smile doesn’t really do anything other than confirming that they don’t want to get to know you. Definitely something I dislike.

- There are ALL kinds of Christians out there - I’m very upfront about my faith on my profile. But there are a lot of people out there who are Christian but of every shade. It’s really hard to figure out what they believe until you’ve had a conversation with them. So you really have to find out and that takes a lot more time than meeting someone in person.

- Take God with you - Pray hard if you’re online because it’s not easy and often really discouraging and this really isn’t the process it has to be. I’m sure some people have wonderful experiences, unfortunately, that currently isn’t me. I’m not sure how long I’m going to be online but at least I tried it.

So my experience has been riddled with a lot of doubt and nausea. But my prayer is that regardless, I can be a steward of Christ and bravely walk this path.

[csgg]

I finally watched the movie Belle. It was on my list of movies to watch and I was initially attracted to it because here was a woman, Dido Elizabeth Belle, who was biracial, and had the courage to defy social, cultural and even familial rules to see her people freed. 

In many ways, she could have ignored it all. It amazes me that her family would actively keep news from her even though she could speak many languages. She could live in a bubble forever since she inherited enough money to set her up for life.

What I admire about these types of movies, besides the incredible courage that is displayed by so many of the characters, is how much we can learn when we watch Dido and John fall in love. 

Now, before you puke from the mushiness that you think will ensue, let me beg to differ. 

First, John and Dido were passionate about something bigger than themselves: the freedom of slaves. I find this incredible attractive. I don't think we need to have a specific cause, and in fact we can be involved in so many, but I believe we must put our time and energy into serving a greater cause or purpose. That could be as simple as working with youth at your church or volunteering at a senior's home. 

John and Dido also found themselves on equal footing morally, mentally, and intellectually because of this cause. People keep talking about connecting with people, the sparks that fly, but I think when you connect on a number of different levels, the attraction is stronger but it is also grounded in something tangible. And it's a beautiful thing to see them realizing that in each other.

Finally, and what I love most, is that these two were truly themselves. They spoke with passion but they spoke truthfully. Sometimes we try so hard to be attractive or cool and we forget that people can see right through that. When we are truly ourselves, all who God made us to be, that is when our real selves shine through and no one can dispute that. No one can look at that and call us frauds. And it is incredibly attractive.

Let's not forget these truths as we live our lives in pursuit of our true selves, a greater purpose, and of course, more love in our lives.

[csgg]

The most unattractive quality

I know that what is considered attractive (or not) is rather subjective, and that it's hard to say that universally, one thing is worse than another because we all have different standards and people can put up with a lot. However, as I meet people in my daily life, I've come to identify a common theme across those who I meet and would like to unmeet or at least keep them at a distance. (Now I am speaking about guys specifically but this can certainly be applied to anyone, regardless of gender.) Whether they are Christian or not, I've found that someone who doesn't take responsibility for his/her life is incredibly unattractive.

Taking responsibility for your life means that you accept the things that happen to you and you work from this to become a better person, a better Christian. So many people have the 'victim mentality' and pity themselves for what happened in their lives. Yes, we cannot control 99% of happens to us. We cannot dictate our race, gender, who our parents are or what country we were born in. Some people have experienced great loss and serious acts of violence and injustice against them. Yet if we truly believe that God allows all things - good or bad - to happen for His glory and His sake, then we must accept all that is our lives and if we cannot, to allow God to help us work through it. But pitying ourselves for the things that we cannot control, or worse the things we can, is not useful. I read in a devotional one time that pity is the devil because it allows us to not take responsibility for our own lives and instead blame everyone/thing else for our problems. It will never get us anywhere and it is incredibly unattractive.

Someone who takes responsibility for his/her life is one who has a positive outlook on life because s/he has accepted that bad things happen but we have a BIG God who can take care of it all. Someone who takes responsibility will work to make positive change in his/her life and not simply complain about their situation. They will find a new job, work hard to make ends meet and trust that God has everything in control. A person who takes responsibility for his/her life is someone who spreads the otherworldly peace that comes from a developed relationship with Christ.

We all have shortcomings, weaknesses, areas of shame, and sob stories. But these things do not define us. Furthermore, we cannot live a life worthy of the call, much less one that can be lived with another person when we refuse to carry our own cross and accept what has happened to us. 

This may sound like a tall order but taking responsibility for our lives breeds other great qualities such as integrity, kindness, and trust. It also makes for a much better life journey. 

Praying for you girls,

Dia