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“The opposite of self love isn’t self hatred - it’s self abandonment”

“Discipline is self love because that is your future self looking out for you now”

Acceptance and Forgiveness

I was asked what my values were and in this chapter of my life - I’m learning to forgive and accept myself unconditionally. It honestly took me such a long time to get here. I was afraid that it was too late and my inner child will never stop being angry at me. I was afraid to let others call me strong because deep down I was just scared. I got defensive whenever people said I had a hard life because I never wanted their pity. I locked myself in my room whenever I’m struggling and refused to acknowledge my own pain. I was carrying around guilt and shame everyday and it took a toll on my body and soul. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore but I don’t know how to stop.

The first step was to ask for help. The next step is learning how to forgive myself. I had to envisioned what a conversation with my inner child would look like. What would I say to her? What would she say to me? I told my therapist that my inner child would’ve thrown a tantrum and refused to let me come near her. She would’ve resented me like I resented my mom. She would’ve questioned why I took so long to show up and if I would leave again. I would’ve held her tight and said “I’m sorry but I’m here now and you’re safe.” I would’ve rubbed her back and played with her hair and tell her that none of it was her fault and she deserves the world - and I’m ready to show her it.

For the longest time I trapped my inner self in the bathroom. Now she follows me everywhere that I go and is my biggest cheerleader. She forgave me for doing my best trying to survive and is proud of the person I am today. She accepts me fully heartedly and reminds me each and everyday to the the same.

#crystal talks #blessed

“But I love you”

“I don’t feel the same way”

This was probably the hardest thing to say to you. Not because it’s not true but to see the hurt in your eyes made me feel sad because I could see the hurt child in you. I can see you hurting so badly and self sabotaging your life and there’s nothing I can do but watch from a distance.

It’s one thing to be in pain but it’s another to see everyone closest to you struggle and feeling completely helpless. I feel like I’m drowning again. I feel hyper aware of the heavy burdens on my chest and mostly paralyzed because I can’t do anything about it. Why does life have to be this way. Why do things never stop being hard. Why can I never find solid land. It feels like everything around me is sand - slipping out of my control and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I don’t even have it in me to say it will be okay anymore.

This trip wrecked me in so many ways at once that I just don’t have anything left in me anymore

lifeafterpsychiatry

It's a lot healthier to go for a daily walk than to sign up for a gym membership you won't be using because you hate that kind of exercise. It's a lot healthier to eat a frozen meal than to skip a meal because you were too tired to cook something healthy. It's a lot healthier to take a quick shower than to procrastinate an elaborate routine for days. Don't aim so high that you won't be hitting anything!

“To be loved is to be seen”

You were one of the very few people that has ever made me feel that way. Essentially that is what drew me to you and why I fell for you. You know me better than myself and probably know what I’m thinking before I do. I think my inner child just felt safe around you and I admit, I’m scared to face this trip without you in my corner. This is the most vulnerable and scared I’ve been in my life and it fucking sucks not being able to run into your arms and talk to you about it. You saw me the hurt child in me and she has never felt so seen before.

And that’s what fucking hurts the most. You know me more than anyone else and you still chose to hurt me. You had a piece of me that no one could’ve ever touched and you shattered it to a million pieces. I don’t have it in me to hate you because I see the hurt child in you too.

Tonight I just want to hug my inner child and tell her it will be okay. It’s okay to grieve the lost of your childhood, the burdens of your family, and lastly the feeling that you’re not good enough. I want to tell her that fuck being strong. Fuck having everyone else sees you as strong instead of seeing the hurt child in you. You don’t have to be strong anymore. You’ve been in survival mode all of your life and you don’t have to prove how resilient you are. I want to hug my inner child and say I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I am eternally grateful that my grandpa’s best friend is still very much in our family’s life, even after my grandpa has passed away. It brings me so much gratitude that he still regularly visits my grandma and would just sit and talk to her. It makes me so happy that she still have her community, even without her husband. I’m glad my grandpa had left her with his village and they’re still looking after her. I am grateful that she is very much loved and cared for.

It’s crazy how after so many years nothing has changed. You’re still able to trigger me every single time we talked. You still talk over me and dismiss everything I say. Yet, I’m the first person you call whenever you need help. You still treat me like a child but expect me to act like an adult. After so many years, you still haven’t changed and I’m starting to wonder if it’s beyond my control to better our relationship. How do I fix something already so broken when you won’t even meet me halfway?

I still feel like the angry child ranting to my tumblr about how much you hurt me. From reading my old posts about you, I can still feel every anger and resentment lingering. I’ve done my damn hardest to put the past behind me. I was tired of being the hurt child and decided to forgive you for the sake of my peace. But I cannot keep making excuses for you or your actions and justify it as so. But the guilt eats me up every single time. I hate having to be the obedient daughter when you haven’t shown me or your family the same respect back. I hate having to take care of YOUR burdens just because you were out living your best life.

Christy said to me that she felt like an orphan because she had to raised herself her whole life. That was shocking for me to hear at first but if I really think about it, I’m truly an orphan as well. Having an absent family is just as awful as having no family at all. Maybe one day I won’t feel as alone as I did as a kid.

Here’s a big fuck you. Fuck you for not thinking I’m career oriented. Fuck you for not thinking I’m a hard worker. Fuck you for looking down on me. I fucking dodged a bullet.

I was recently asked if my family had any holiday traditions and my immediate answer was no. But when I came over to visit my grandma I was suddenly reminded of her compassion and overpowering acts of kindness every year.

For context: my grandma has been a dialysis patient for 4 years now and each and every year she would go all out and give gifts to all the nurses that helps her with her treatment. When I said all - she really be doing the most LMAO I get that she wants to show her appreciation to everyone that helps her but grandma please, you don’t need to be giving the front desks ladies gifts too 😂 I always tease her and tell her to stop buying gifts for everyone like that because this woman would literally buy 20+ boxes of chocolates every year to give out & I’m pretty damn sure that she doesn’t have 20+ nurses LOL I would know because I’ve taken her to dialysis multiple times!!

Anywhos, each year I would nag my grandma to stop buying so much and each year she would just buy more LOL and guess who has to help her wrap them each year 😂 ME!!! As much as I nag her - this definitely has become our little holiday tradition and it has a special place in my heart. My grandma is the most selfless person I know and she will always put others before herself, always. I’m glad she will always have the biggest heart and wants to take care of others as much as they take care of her. I’m sure she’s everyone’s fav in her facility LOL they always call her Mama Kim and it’s the cutest thing ever. Ya’ll she even went bougie af this year and got each doctor a cognac bottle LMAO WOMAN PLSSS. I truly hope this would be the last year she would have to go to dialysis and I hope nothing but good health for her in 2024. As much as I complain I’m really going to miss our little tradition.

#crystal talks #blessed

In a crazy twisted way this was what I needed to close this chapter in my life. The Universe works in mysterious ways and there’s always a reason for every coincidence. This was a sign that there’s nothing worth returning to. Perhaps in this timeline we’re meant to walk away with our heads held high at what this experience taught us. There’s no more what ifs because I’m finally letting go of everything that don’t serve me.

11/24/23 6:45PM

I’ve been thinking a lot about my inner child lately and how much neglect and negative self talk I’ve been giving her all of these years. How can I be so mean to myself when I’ve been so understanding and compassionate of everyone else? How can I be upset/disappointed in my body when it allows me to experience life everyday? I’ve wasted enough of my life not feeling like I’m worthy or deserving and it’s about damn time I free myself of what I’ve been conditioned to believe. How can I not feel good enough when that little girl has a smile that makes you believe that the world is hers to conquer.

I’ve been romantizing my life lately and it’s honestly brings back so much purpose into my life. I buy myself flowers because I deserve to spoil myself. I’ve been going to yoga more consistently to keep myself grounded. I tell myself that the Universe truly has my back - and I believe that with every ounce of my being. I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and not hating what’s in front of me. And lastly, I’ve returned to journaling because my inner child deserves to be heard.

#crystal talks #blessed

This absolutely sucks. The universe got jokes lmao

serial-kissing

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