speeding cars ,

"you dread the things that never happen and mourn as lost things you still hold." — ♔ — byun baekhyun, noun. a weary traveler trying to find his way home.

[nayyirahwaheed-deactivated20180]

i don’t pay attention to the world ending. it has ended for me many times and began again in the morning.

nayyirah waheed (via palegeisha)

[lalaleenbaekhyun]

[ipoetried]

[krisinsanity]

O.O.C ♬ for baekhyun-ah

[ctzxkai]

— disturbance ; kai & baekhyun

{ —spending his time in a library has been a routine which he isn’t sure as to when he’s commenced to adopt; it has been that long since the beginning that he’s forgotten it, and it has begun to feel natural for him to simply lounge in a library, doing his work or readings ahead of his classmates to keep his normal facade of being the model student. it’s become a sort of habit, ingrained in his veins the way it is for the rest of his schedules imposed on him since he was a child, coexisting in a solid yet odd juxtaposition with his rebellious side of personality. now he does this without a lot of protestations brewing at the back of his mind, and so when that afternoon he finds himself in the local library to work on the rest of the assignment due in three weeks time, it feels typical. it’s not a fun pastime yet it’s no longer a nuisance entirely, and he starts working on his assignment as soon as he arrives until the lassitude starts clinging onto his muscles, causing him to think that he probably should call it a day. he’s done with around 80% of it anyway, so allowing himself to relax won’t hurt. he closes the lid of his laptop and presses his back against the chair, stretching a little. it’s raining outside, pitter patter pelting the window in a resolute rhythm, and he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in hopes that it can help him alleviate the stinging headache. }

{ —now that being drenched is being pushed to the bottom of his wish list, he’s at lost as to what to do. surfing the internet doesn’t seem to strike his interests in that mood, and out of impulse he grabs his notebook along with a pen, quickly scanning his surroundings before his eyes catch an interesting face to sketch. it’s been something which he does in a rather rapid manner after years of training it; he hasn’t rehearsed this particular skill formally the way he does his languages and self-defense, which explains the narrow scope of his performance, but it’s something specifically honed that his fingers do it without having to exert too much energy and focus. by the time he finishes his rough sketch, around ten minutes later, the page boy who became his object of interests is no longer where he was, and Jongin looks around to locate him just to find that the man is close, really close to Jongin—or at least close enough to spot the notebook, which is still splayed open before him. }

[ctzbaek]

(/ it’s been said before that byun baekhyun feels safe in the library; with its winding bookcases that seem like mazes and its dusty pages that smell a lot like the security blanket that he needs.  he’s always managed to feel a lot more comfortable because its quiet, because he knows places to hide, because he can look around and see everything while people don’t see him — even if he still constantly looks over his shoulder [he misses not being able to see someone tall behind him, but that’s another story for a different day].  baekhyun finds himself growing braver by the day, a little less shaky, a little more open.  he figures that at least he has to try, if he’s going to force himself to stay in seoul — even though it doesn’t really feel too much like home anymore, it is his home; it’ll always be his home.  [he just really, really misses him.] )

(/ a sigh escapes his lips, eyes wandering, mind traveling to distant places that his thoughts shouldn’t be taking him to — he gets lost to the sound of rain pattering on the roof, hands moving to their monotonous routine of shelving books in ones and twos and threes.  baekhyun likes this routine.  it’s familiar, he doesn’t have to think about it and doesn’t have to worry about something distracting or uncomfortable — but libraries, well.  they’re always the places of stories and baekhyun has started plenty of his own under tall ceilings and trapped between bookcases. ) 

(/ today seems to be no exception.  a new pile of books in hand to shelf and organize, the smell of well used and well read pages greeting him; his eyes make the mistake of wandering — .  they shouldn’t have.  they really, really shouldn’t have. ) — … (/ the books drop from his hands when he sees an open notebook at the hand of a man he’s never seen before open to a page of his /drawn likeness/ — no one has ever drawn him before, and his mind runs rampant to places and times that he’d rather not think of, what if; what if; what if.  his hands start shaking and he stumbles backward, just a little; but he doesn’t run —.  he cant run.  baekhyun is determined to be braver, even with a shaking body and every instinct telling him that it’s fight or flight. ) .. .. w.. what are you doing?

[antxjiho-deactivated20160805]

Note-Worthy || Baekhyun and Jiho

Today had been another day when Jiho was free from the burdens of working at the lousy café and for Anathema. Instead of remaining at home, snuggled in the security of his own blankets, Jiho found himself wandering towards the library which he recently frequented. Jiho was occasionally found at libraries and that wasn’t too much of a surprised as he’d enjoyed reading up on history, trying to see what flaws in strategies would have caused the biggest armies and navies in empires to collapse and forfeit their power. What was rare though, was that Jiho had found his attention stolen away from his readings by someone in the library.

At first, he’d never noticed this employee, the quiet boy who barely spoke and silently did his job as he was supposed to, but then, Jiho needed to inquire the location of a book he wanted but had noticed how shy the other was. Jiho liked people who were shy and quiet, noise just wasn’t his type of world. It was difficult for Jiho to make contact with the boy, he’d seen how the other had jumped or frozen whenever a stranger would ask him something out of the blue. Not wanting to scare him away, Jiho brainstormed ways to contact the boy, just to show his personal appreciation of this one employee who’d caught his eye.

He’d written on one of the post-its in his bag and had signed it as X0, not sure how the other boy would react to his approach. Watching from one of the tables, pretending to have been absorbed by the contents of his book, he’d seen the other boy read it, confused as he searched for the sender. Then Jiho had left another. And another – in which he’d finally found out the name of the boy when a taller boy had called to him, “Baekhyun” apparently was his name.

[Now that Christmas is nearing, dress warmly and I hope that work isn’t too busy~ Merry Christmas! X0] he’d written on the green post-it. Now he just needed to find a place that Baekhyun would find easily without having it stolen or lost by others in the library. Eyeing one of the higher bookshelves in the Encyclopedia section, Jiho stepped on the small stool, reaching up to place the sticky onto the highest book. So close, he snarled as he reached higher, the stool tipped off balance and sent him crashing, along with a few thick encyclopedias, down.

[ctzbaek]

the days at the library are something safe, quiet.  he doesn’t feel the need to run, not really anyway— with chanyeol always at his back ( whenever he was on break, that is ) and the winding maze of bookcases, the scent of yellowed pages and dust that screams out safety; baekhyun has always felt more at home in a library than anywhere else.  libraries are places where stories happen, where you might get to play one of your own and byun baekhyun does not think he’s any exception, wrapped in winter scarves and pretty clothes that he’s seen in magazines.  he likes to think he fades into the background, like a wallflower that watches live action books happen —

like that girl who, just last week had accidentally dropped a book on a tall boy’s foot while he was reaching for something, and their eyes met — and that was the start of something special.  yes, the library is a place of stories, a place of memories.  baekhyun hardly realizes he’s in a storybook of his own.

the post it notes seem to come once a week now, sometimes once every few days.  he’s long since grown used to them, even looked forward to their spirited messages and the cute drawings signed by ‘ X0’.  he never thought he’d see the day when something like this wouldn’t bother him, wouldn’t make him tremble at the sight and hands shake as the paper flits to the ground.  but there’s no way he could ever think that X0 was dangerous, not with the way he watched — it felt safe, like chanyeol at his back and arms around his waist; perhaps too close, but sometimes that’s what a security blanket is.

his mind wanders to the identity of X0, he wonders why he hasn’t really seen him, remembered who he is yet —.  baekhyun wishes that he could, which is certainly something strange for him because he never wants to know who anyone is; it’s just not in his personality.  X0 is another book that baekhyun should never want to read, but he can’t help his curiosity and hold onto the post it notes with hope.

a crash is the beginning of another story.  

baekhyun turns and hurries to the section ( that he just shelved ) and a white haired boy is collapsed on the floor, coloured paper in hand.

baekhyun is smart.  he puts two and two together.

“ … you’re X0.” … … and he should probably continue to ask if he’s all right, but he just bends down instead, eyes blinking. “ you should have asked for help…”

[antxjiho-deactivated20160805]

(/ it was just a whisper, his voice asking for a miracle that it was the right person who’d pick up. But since Baekhyun disappeared without a trace, Jiho had given up. He could hear the stranger tell him “sorry, wrong number” a dead line answering him.)

Click (/the line picks up, his voice repeating in the call and just faintly in the silence, there’s soft breathing before the voice answers him – a long lost friend, who’d finally returned)

(/ jiho is at a loss of words because just hearing Baek was enough, knowing he was alright, knowing that this boy he’d seen working at a library was still okay)… (/he takes a deep breath, it’s okay – he’s awake and this was real)

Baek (/ he lets out the breath, the pressure on his chest gone, the weight in his heart off) Welcome back… I missed you. (/there’s actually too much he wants to say, but none of the thoughts forming words. His voice finally breaks, his eyes stinging) Where did you go? Don’t leave me anymore.

[ctzbaek]

(/ at first, he thinks the call went dead so he's not sure if he should hang up, not sure if he should even try to call back or respond in the first place -- he doesn't know how jiho will react to hearing his voice at the end of the line, baekhyun left far too long ago without a word.  his heart feels heavy and something large sits in the depths of his throat and he can't do much more than choke out another, ) hello... .. ? (/ into the line.  he can only imagine what jiho is going through on the other end. )

(/ it's not like he's going through much better. ) ... ... (/ and at the sound of his name, baekhyun startles; sits straighter and holds the phone tighter to his ear, eyes clenched closed as if it would dam the waterfall of tears threatening to spill. ) jiho -- (/ his voice chokes up and cracks, and he takes a shaky breath -- this is much harder than he thought it would be; his heart feels shattered on the floor. ) ... ... i'm so sorry ... (/ he bites his lip -- hard, enough to taste metal on his tongue, and he's sure that it's split but he deserves so much more for making jiho cry like this, for making him worry like this.  he should have known that this was home a long time ago.  he should have never left. ) i ... ... i had to go.  (/ and his memory floods him with visions of france, of versailles and pretty streets and places that he felt out of sorts -- ) i won't.  

don't worry, i won't leave.

[ctzbaek]

(/ his phone rings. slipping it out of his pockets it's an unknown number; he doesn't get unknown numbers often so he picks it up curiously. eyes only widen upon hearing a familiar voice, then settle into a soft expression, smiling even though the other can't see him.) hey Baekkie. (/ his voice is soft and warm in tone.) how are you?

(/ he definitely doesn’t expect the other to pick up.  he was hoping that a mechanical voice would answer his call; that he wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of a time long past — but it seems today is not his day, and that soft voice picks up instead of someone apathetic and robotic and baekhyun is close to tears. ) … … (/ for a moment he can’t really even respond, just breathe into the line — it takes all he can muster not to start weeping into the earpiece, because he remembers walks in the french quarter, learning the language, the taste of bread and the smell of a warm home. this was the first time baekhyun learned what ’ home’ feels like, but he couldn’t stay.  he could have never stayed. ) h — … … sol… (/ his voice comes out in a whisper now and it’s probably way too quiet for someone so far away and trapped by just a phone call as they are but he knows that he’ll hear him; that he has to —. ) 

(/ and then, the dreaded question.  he’s always been able to tell when baekhyun lies about his feelings, phone call or not, it’s all the same.  he’s perceptive, a cheshire cat in a human body and his eyes drip hot tears because he cannot lie. ) … … i’m lonely … 

[ctzbaek]

[voice mail] Baekkie Baekkie! ( a small hesitant pause) Are you alright? It's hard to get a hold of you when you keep moving around. But I want you to be okay! Stay safe okay? I hope you visit me one day and I'll get lots of sweets like always!

(/ the phone call comes while he's working, and he's not sure why it's ringing in the first place because his phone hardly ever rings -- he's grown used to that fact now, because he's back in seoul and people would rather visit than call and the one person that he wants to hear from probably won't even pick up a phone or look at him anymore.  baekhyun hasn't heard from park chanyeol in the entire time he's been back in seoul.  the thought of it breaks his heart, even on a day that's supposed to be written for lovers and confessions and romance. )

(/ and so it's later in the evening, after he checks behind him for any sort of demons trailing behind him over his shoulder and sneaks into his lonely apartment that he sees an old number from a very old acquaintance flash upon his screen.  there's a voicemail and his heart is beating wildly because he can remember quebec, he remembers the language and white hair; it's been such a long time.  such a long time. 

he dials voicemail.his heart breaks when the voice comes through over the speaker. )

... 

(/ a shuddering breath.  he finds that he misses quebec in a strange way, because baekhyun always leaves things behind and leaves people behind but this --.  this person was the one single boy in his life that he originally regretted leaving behind. his fingers type in a number hastily and he can only hope the time difference doesn't wake up the other in his rush. ) 

(/ the voicemail clicks on. he can feel hot tears upon his cheeks. ) ... ... hello, sol... ? 

[ctzbaek]

[simply-quotes-deactivated202002]

This is what I like about photographs. They’re proof that once, even if just for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.

Jodi Picoult, Lone Wolf (via simply-quotes)

[megalovexo]

[frommemetoyou]

VALENTINE'S INSPIRED MEMES

"He loves me, he loves me not… oh."

"She loves me, she loves me not… oh."

"I don’t think it’s love…"

"So, is there anyone you’re secretly crushing on?"

"I don’t even like chocolate."

"Yeah, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a bouquet that’ll die in two days…"

"I’m not sure if they’re a secret admirer or a stalker… but at least they have good taste in gifts."

"Oh! It’s my favourite time of year."

"If I send a mass text to all the people I like, I don’t need to get all of them gifts do I?"

"I’ve never had a Valentine."

"Will you be my Valentine?"

"Do you have a Valentine yet?"

"No one ever serenades me any more."

"Just don’t write a song and play it in front of everyone again… it’s embarrassing."

"Any secret admirers?"

"Oh, so you’re my secret admirer?"

"I may have been admiring you not so secretly."

"Just because you like me doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual."

"Seeing as we’ve both not got anyone, do you want to come to mine and watch a film?

"We’re never getting back together."

"So, he got me a teddy bear, but we fought and he tore off it’s head."

"How about instead of being ridiculous on one day of the year, you just be a decent partner for the other 364 days?!"

"We’re not together any more."

"If you haven’t booked a table we definitely won’t get to eat there on such short notice."

"It’s just Valentine’s day… I don’t see the big deal."

"What do you mean you didn’t get me anything?"

"I’m feeling sick, is it okay if we arrange our date for another night?"

"I’m not sure if they’re a secret admirer or a stalker…."

"Well… they don’t know I’m going out with you so we’re going to have a girls night sitting in and cry about being single…"

"I’ve got the lube and strawberries, we’re all set!"

"I got out the whipped cream and she slammed the door in my face."

"I am not wearing that."

"When he said he would give me a pearl necklace, I thought I was getting actual jewellery."

"It would have been a lot more romantic if you de-thorned the rose before you put it in your mouth…"

"I’m all for dressing up… but, how do you wear this?"

"If I see another couple holding hands, I’ll… I’ll-"

"Young love, isn’t it sweet?"

"Who did you get all these roses for?"

"I don’t love you, I’m just hear for the chocolate."

"So, let me get this right, you want me to be a stand in to make the person you like jealous?"

"Valentines? Pft!"

"That’s the least romantic thing anyone has ever said to me…"

"What are you doing? Why are you on one knee? Get up! Get up!"

"My mum gave me a rose because she felt sorry for me."

"Look, you can buy me all the chocolate’s in the world, I still won’t go out with you."

"A diamond ring? I appreciate the offer… but don’t you think this is a bit… excessive?"

[chanyoell]

[antxjiho-deactivated20160805]

(/ by the time Jiho crawls up from his bed, it’s already late into the morning, well, noon to be precise. His hand reaches over to his phone, LED light surprisingly blinking with a message left unanswered. He assumed that it would be another telemarketer, fingers brush his bangs away to check the glowing screen but freeze when he notices the name from the caller.) Baek… no way… (/ the barely audible whisper sneaks out, surprising himself at the sudden pounding in his chest – fear? Hope? he can’t tell, it’s too early in the morning. Hesitantly, he plays the message.)

(/ his face is emotionless as the familiar voice begins to speak to him, the pounding frozen at the recognition) Baek, why are you apologizing (/ even though there’s no one there to hear him) I’m sorry too (/his own voice chokes up the familiarity)

(/ he doesn’t move after the message has stopped, then he plays it again, and once more just to make sure it’s not his hopes deluding him in a dream. Then he notices the time of the call and resents himself for being able to sleep last night. Even before his mind is made up, his fingers have already swiped the redial)

Ring.

Baek? …Are you there?

[ctzbaek]

(/ the ringing from his phone is always a surprise.  he never knows why people still call, still want to speak to him, still want to know a runaway without a home.  it's a little daunting and even scarier still when he sees jiho's name flashing back at him with tired eyes and an ever more tired mind.  he contemplates ignoring the call, doesn't know how to answer, how to speak to someone that he so willfully abandoned on a moment's notice -- he's never been in this type of situation before.  it almost makes him panic where he sits. ) 

(/ but it's okay.  he takes a deep breath and convinces himself that this is okay, that jiho is okay -- that even though baekhyun abandoned, jiho is not shy.  jiho still wants him back despite the sadness that baekhyun is sure has crept into his heart in the time that he was gone.  god only knows how jiho feels.  baekhyun felt like death incarnate when he left home. ) 

click.

jiho... (/ and his voice catches in his throat. ) i'm here ... 

[dawnoftheunread-blog]

[ctzbaek]

am i missing?

( txt >> pcy. ) why didn’t you tell me sooner?

the only thing that byun baekhyun carries close to his heart is his cell phone. he’s never placed much faith in objects before, never really cared about leaving things behind but his phone is the last memory he has of seoul, the last memory he has of park chanyeol and everything that made the city home. he misses the way jiho used to write him notes on sticky paper, going to work at the library and going home in the early evening.

he misses the way he’d curl into chanyeol’s side at night and feel comforted by the way his arm rested on his hips, the way they’d get closer in the middle of the night. and god he misses puck and usher, the way they’d wrap themselves at his feet when they’re hungry and the way puck would crawl into his lap when chanyeol was watching just to make him annoyed. but most of all, he misses the way park chanyeol is like his favourite book he couldn’t take on the plane.

sometimes, baekhyun wonders why he still thinks about chanyeol as much as he does, but then again, falling in love ( or out of it ) is never easy. a part of him thinks that he’ll never be over this. that’s what really falling in love means.

so he keeps his phone as a constant reminder. text messages that he can’t answer, a selca that chanyeol forced him to take with an arm wrapped around his shoulder -- baekhyun’s treasured memories of the one place that gave him the feeling of safety. even though he doesn’t have the will to respond to these texts, these calls from people in a country far away, sometimes he lays in bed at night and scrolls through them, wondering where he is and why he left and byun baekhyun, i miss you.

text messages from chanyeol are the worst.

he reads those with tears in his eyes, their relationship from beginning to end and even what he gets as a post script to once upon a time. because chanyeol still leaves him messages that baekhyun can’t respond to, no matter how much his fingers are itching to spell out words like “ i love you” and “ i wish you were here”. he’ll never be able to say those things. baekhyun hates himself for that almost as much as he hates himself for leaving.

and so he realizes that he’s changed a lot more than he expected in a mere few months. then he remembers that falling in love will really do that to you. he doesn’t know why he couldn’t change enough for park chanyeol, why he put that book back on its shelf and walked away without the shiny copy. park chanyeol is byun baekhyun’s regret and the sadness in his smiles when he jumps from seoul to the city of versailles, seeing different places and different people but none of it feels right. because he always has to keep looking over his shoulder and instead of a man with a too -wide smile, he only sees fear and trepidation behind him. there is no more safety.

his phone buzzes.

( txt >> pcy. ) i’ll wait for you to get back.

and that’s when baekhyun realizes that he can’t take the running anymore.