Whatevs I Feels

Whatevs I feels I postses

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

So I was in Ancient Lit and my prof was talking about Shakespeare and I thought “Ah yes, Billy Milkshake” and my prof went silent and I realized I said it out loud I’m dying

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

I have a new phrase for y’all

Guilt Cleaning

When mom is yelling at one kid and you sure as heck ain’t getting yelled at next so you start cleaning something

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

Do y’all remember when Endgame came out and everyone was going crazy that it was 3 hours long? They were like “OH MY GOSH IT’S SUCH A LONG MOVIE” when the other marvel movies are like. 2:49. 2:56.

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

OH MY GOSH JACK KELLY WAS A DANCING QUEEN

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

*cooks dino nuggies in oven instead of microwave*

aDuLt

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

I would like to give a shout-out of Anson, who is approaching now with my crumbl cookies.

We all Stan you, Anson

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

Poverty, war, DEATH every single day

Yet this is what people care about

It’s disgusting.

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

I’m sorry to disappoint you

but

School lied to you.

*GASP*

Mitochondria is NOT the powerhouse of the cell. ATP is. The most ATP is made in the mitochondria, BUT, it is made in lots of other places as well.

Go slap your chemistry and biology teachers for lying to you,

Because mitochondria is NOT the powerhouse of the cell.

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

Everyone should read this poem I wrote!

Like Riding a Bike

It was a clear skied-windy day,

Perfect for riding a bike;

I could not ride.

I could not lean,

It was too hard, too scary.

I thought I would die;

Every time I let go

Of your hand the bike

Tipped and I tipped with it,

That’s how gravity works.

I cry and you say

“Toughen up it’s just

A scrape.” But to me

A scrape hurts like what

A gunshot would to you.

I was afraid that

I would never learn.

I was afraid that

I would learn and fall.

I was afraid.

We were both tired, you more

than me, but I wanted to learn

So you toughened up yourself.

Funny how taking your advice

Worked more than mine would.

I was afraid that

I would be bad at it.

I was afraid that

People would laugh at me.

I was afraid.

But you held my hand and

Let me go.

And I went.

And I was riding.

And I was free.

And I was falling.

I had forgotten to pedal.

How do you forget to pedal?

That is a good question,

How do you forget to pedal?

I don’t know, but after

That fall I saw that a fall was

Not so bad.

It was not so bad,

So I stood back up,

Tightened my helmet,

And laughed at the wind.

Because it couldn't

Hold me back

No it couldn’t.

I was still afraid,

But not to fall.

I was still afraid,

But not that I would be

Laughed at; I laughed.

I got on the bike,

And you pushed me again,

And I flew into a tree, but

I felt so alive In those

Three wonderful seconds of flying.

I still am afraid,

But not to fall,

Because I know

I will get back up.

It’s what I do.

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

I absolutely cannot comprehend Santa.

I don’t mean like the whole being fat or traveling in a sleigh or the flying reindeer or the red clothing. I don’t even mean the take as old as time “how does he fit down the chimney” or whatever.

What I mean is, what parent, after putting in all the work to shop for Christmas, wrap the presents, decorate the house, and stay SANE during the Christmas season decided that hey, let’s not take the credit for the countless hours spent making this holiday magical. Let’s tell our kid that a fat woman with elves made and wrapped all their presents while we just sat and did nothing. Let’s tell them that all the work put in wasn’t us, it was a dude dressed in red wearing a jingle-bell hat.

Who came up with that??????

I can’t. I’m leaving. I quit.

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

Goodnight

Sleep tight

Don’t let the bread slugs bite

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

My favorite thing about the word legal is that it implies that everything legal also has an illegal option.

Let me explain:

“Legal action” implies the existence of “illegal action” and that sounds like a beautiful thing

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

frut shnek rannboh

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

For all you people who have always wanted to start a rumor:

You: “I heard that if you touch the fountain in town square at dusk, the founder will haunt you until you give them a monetary tribute”

Them: “that sounds plausible”

BAM, rumor. Say “I heard that” followed by whatever BS you want. Doesn’t even have to make sense.

No need to thank me for the top-notch advice

If this gets notes, I’ll share rumors I started. Trust me, you want this.

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

“I think you’re good at singing, you’re just annoying”

-my monster of a sister (5 years old)

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

Remembering the time I was in Junior High and had this friend named Luke (I called him Erik with a K but that’s another story) and every time I saw him he was with a different, prettier girl than the last but then he moved schools but I was stalking him on insta and he’s literally married to a model so I guess shoot for the stars?

[cucumber-melon-fizz]

“Did you know that the point of golf is literally to play less golf”

-my friend’s brother