i understand now the line crossed btwn worries rooted in reality and not, because asking and mentioning repeatedly about the privately owned armed security van moving around a park here for a month despite it getting ticketed every other day means i'm crazy, instead of the idea that the person who hired that van to stalk around a kid's park is the crazy one, and saying/thinking things like i'm the only one who understands how weird it is = crazy and unwell. on the same tangent, everyone thinking all images online are fake means i'm less crazy about fake reality and i feel more assilimated towards common beliefs therefore i'm approoaching normal. like yes its shifting towards not trusting what you perceive... i don't either
nothing is real and you feel unsettled by it but no one's going to be put on medication for feeling upset over ai and distrust of media. so many of my issues are just born out of this world's issues. and it's another form of trickery to make you think "uhh this armed security van with guns inside it running around is normal" "national guard fingering their rifles in the cramped metro underground is normal" "normal that e ery day cops stop ppl for no reason here to mark and harass them" "normal that freaks record with their freak stalker glasses everywhere" Local hospital ER found it ok to allow their insurance rep to wear meta glasses. they weren't on but why do you have that?!?!? and how am i supposed to trust it's not on? green light on or off means literally nothing.
it only gets abnormal when they become self obsessed like me out of anyone i know, who are going thru horrible things brought by the surveillance, that i would be a target of anything is the absurd belief that should be stamped out and i recognize it as irrational, i am a nobody. but all the other things are this worlds sickness making me feel sick and my already susceptible mind feels the effect. it's like these events were literally crafted to make me feel crazy and self absorbed. like i hate and cannot stand my town anymore bc everyone in my mind is a former patient and also cia bc people who work in those 3 letter word terrorist operations have houses and families here plus the literal cia is down the road. clearly false and testable but like i can't even feel a little bit irrationally weirded out? that these things even happen bc mentioning it even makes you sound crazy? the meta glasses thing was over a year ago and i'm still disgusted by it and wish i said something, not saying anything and assuming i was hallucinating his glasses is just another way to make abnormal things normal. and i'm in a bad mood over the cia patient thing again bc i just got retroactively billed 500 dollars (debt collector insurance dropped coverage for SOME REASON) for a psych appointment after i quit my job in aug 2025 bc i needed help severely. and she instantly was like *dons grave expression writes notes and proceeds to talk to me like i'm a child* bc i mentioned feeling paranoid and unable to focus/speaking autopilot gibberish bc of. Patients who are govt people. and scenarios like secret service clearing the front area bc some ~important person~ was entering. Um... that DIDNT happen and you NEED meds to STOP BELIEVING THESE THINGS and don't ever worry about surveillance that isn't real but also you should have quit your job months ago or like go on disability bc you are unfit for work if you have ever hallucinated even tho i never even insinuated what i experience disables me at all plus if i just had an attitude adjustment/hardy nature i could've kept my job. my boss freaked me out and i cried a lot but for every 1 negative patient interaction i love love loved the process of working there. i tackled so much i felt fulfilled. i just had a horrific mood which always exacerbates symptoms. when i'm happy i'm asymptomatic but things like everyone laughing when a patient grabbed my ass or screamed at me or my boss screamed at me or ppl grabbing me over the keyboard or being asked to lie abt retina photos then blamed for losing ppls ranking bc i'm not gonna fucking lie or being accused of stealing on my first week then realizing my acct got fucked with to add loss of sales under my name to increase other ppls ranking (lol) made me feel like shit. so I AM crazy despite LIFE being crazy... I gained distrust paranoia and suicidal behavior bc real life made me feel like that. but i am sick, and they aren't apparently!.
Also i recognize all caps makes you look crazy. i am the recognizer/i have insight which thankfully cancels it all out. another thing these people say repetitivelyabt "insight". then you get marked with made up diagnosises like schizoaffective regardless of insight, bc you don't even experience the full breadth of symptoms or something but the definition changes btwn each person, but that's just another fake thing to accept bc.. you just have to. why? Idk lol. before that was ocd before that was psychotic depression. none of it makes sense bc they all lead to the same 'don't ever mention your symptoms again just take the pills and use our 45 min to discuss things like taking walks and coloring books bc mentioning anything in your head is negativity/i don't get it/you speak unclearly therefore you're too unwell to listen to bc you look agitated and move your hands"
you as a person experiencing things you don't undeestand/seeing reality that you don't believe needs to be medicated so you understand even less. this is the extent of crazy i'm allowed to express. i also feel sick abt any feeling that wishing i was medicated again isn't even from me, but this idea hammered into me that it's wrong to ever feel these things. if it negatively impacts my life or not isn't the issue it's just the fact that it happens is a moral failing... and anyone i've ever mentioned it to even in the smallest way perceives me differently forever! i got tainted. this post also tainted me but i did it on purpose. but not mentioning it is like ok i ran out of excuses for being distant and weird. i'm distant to everyone on earth bc my brain is poisoned and i'm supposed to hate it like it's a sick thing that disconnected my body from my brain. in circumstances of my irl she must just assume it's a stupidity thing. when i talked to a fake version of her while sitting beside her or will be riding along in the car flinching or reacting to fake things on the road is just me being stupid. i'm stupid bc depression makes you stupid. Which, it's easier to be stupid than crazy. also, these things may be happening in my brain, but i still get up and use my mouth to speak and i laugh at jokes and enjoy drawing and staying up to date on things like all people do, and i worked, all that shit without meds even if i feel lile everything i perceive is fake. the biggest issue is i'm in a low mood and it's translating to insane fatigue and thus less tolerance of this whole fake reality stuff. also don't got a job so no work📝but who doesn't have fatigue these days? and the job market affects everyone. also i can't trust my eyes to drive. also all photos are fake ai fake and all internet arguments are fake ai bot and all calls are ai and your food = parasites uhh and all reports are fake i get push notifications abt fake ass reports. but i'm able to do shit. so why am i seen differently. see this is how i know i am mentally ill bc it became self-obsessed talk again literally... think abt the world then it turns to me me me🤦♂️
i talk so much in my head there's always a background track of Shut up shut up shut up. my throat gets sore bc the internal thinking moves my throat muscles! won't read what i typed i just pressed send bc i felt better getting it off my chest and humiliating myself a lil i will hopefully distill this emotion into not perceiving my fake reality via my fake eyes. that is the power of venting and oversharing, you say smth then hate it and your soul is soothed into not feeling as bothered about it.. but seriously why am i not allowed to speak about it? to the point that it feels like just another axis of trickery made to make me self isolate. i keep comparing it to anxiety and depression. when those two things ruin my life more than any "hallucination or delusion" but this 2nd thing is wrong and bad and sick and super abnormal but also i hate talking about it bc it's acknowledging it. but anxiety and depression is whatever to talk abt bc it's understandable and also this world makes these two things be even worse this world's sickness infects everyone. (but its funny bc my family thinks depression is demonic/american). Basically half of these thoughts are organic and the rest are societal siphoned into me and twisted into self absorption to maybe block my mind from caring abt wrongness bc like actually it's ok there's an armed private security van and big strange cars u don't recognize, little things like that.
2087
tangentwithtanner
gummygunk
vaporwave
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germansingergirl
