The Life and Stories of a Barista.

These stories are real. I wish they weren't.

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The Fake Bill - 3/8/2015

Man enters with a $50 bill on his hand, grabs a water and hands me the bill. I walk to the cash register and notice the man staring at all of the cameras. I then look at this bill is it's poorly constructed. "Dude. Can't take this. It's a fake." "No. You're the one giving me a fake bill!" "Why would I hand my customers fake bills?! And you cut the corners all weird on this one...I could've done a better job." "WH-WHERE?!?" I point at the corner and he mumbles "damn..."

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My Top Ten Holidays Movies Of All Time

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My Halloween Costume

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My first customer of the day enters and I immediately make her triple large skim latte. She pays with her credit card and writes down CASH in the tip section, signs the receipt and walks away. Out of curiosity, I check the tip jar and there is absolutely NOTHING in there. NO BILLS. NO COINS. NOTHING. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LIE TO ME TRIPLE LARGE SKIM LATTE?!?

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Portuguese - 8/9/2014

A couple enters and we start having a five minute conversation in Portuguese. I was extremely proud of myself because I had no idea what they we're talking about. All I said to them was "What? I don't understand...umm...huh?" For five minutes. Why?

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Friday's Sign

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how decaf coffee is made - Imgur

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As a native Montrealer living in New York, I think this is an appropriate Monday sign. Rangers can suck it.

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Happy Turdsday.

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May the Sith be with you.

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$1.50 Coffee - 4/25/2014

Man buys a small coffee and hands me a $20 bill. I give him back $18.50.

He walks over to the napkin dispenser and grabs $7 worth of napkins.

He just robbed our coffeeshop of $6.50.

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Bird Shit in her Boot - 4/3/2014

Woman enters the coffee shop aggressively and demands for paper towel. My manager gives it to her and she starts taking off her boot. "What is it that you're doing?" My manager asks. "A BIRD SHAT INSIDE OF MY BOOT!" As she takes off her left boot, we all witness the yellow/green bird poop all over her ankles and socks. We were all stunned and didn't know what to do...and I go: "There's a MUJI store right next to us if you want to buy some socks." "Well how am I gonna walk over there with bird poop in my boot?" "I don't know. You're not even a customer and you're blocking people from ordering."

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Italian or French Latte - 4/2/2014

Diva enters wearing several scarves. "I want a coffee!" "What kind??" "I want a regular sized (WTF IS REGULAR) ITALIAN LATTE. Not a FRENCH one. You know what I'm talking about." "No. I don't." She stares at me and stays silent for 13 seconds and leaves.

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HAPPY TUESDAY

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Happy Spring!

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The Man Who Jerked Off In Front Of Our Store Window

This story takes place in Toronto at a cafe called Aroma. I used to work there ;) Int. Aroma Espresso Bar - December 2009 (For the sake of their privacy, I've changed my co-workers names.) As the coffeeshop closes at 10pm on a cold winters night, I'm stuck with two of the hottest coffeeshop workers, Ashley and Sonia. The babes are closing the cash register and espresso machines while I do all of the Oscar the Grouch work. I start mopping the dark marble floors when I noticed a man from the outside staring inside into the coffeeshop: he's politely smiling and staring at my female co-workers. Who could resist? I started walking towards the friendly homeless man to get his attention and said to myself "Maybe he would like a chocolate croissant." As I got closer, I noticed his left hand was waving at my co-workers and his right hand was grabbing a %100 of his penis. The homeless man was jerking off in sub-zero temperature. Ashely and Sonia noticed and yelled out an "OH MY GOD/WHY WHY WHY?!". I yell at them to GET DOWN. The babes are still yelling. The man is now looking for his next target: ME. While he's jerking, his eyes locked onto MY eyes and the first thing I could think of was to hit the window with my mop. So I'm there mopping the windows with every hit, the girls are still down there screaming and the hobo is still jerking. And there is a sign of hobo "relief"...The masturbator ran away into the snowy night. I walk outside to see if he....YEP. IT'S ON THE WINDOW. I go back in and we call it a night. That night I did a CLOPEN. It's where you close, then open the store the next day. I come in and tell my Israeli boss that a homeless man "jerked off and came on our window." He shakes his head and says "No." So I mime it and he understood what I was trying to say right away. I make him go outside to see the "proof" and it's there, frozen like something out of Jurassic Park. He tells me to get rid of it. I said "I rather quit." So I tell him to just throw a snowball at it to cover the mess. I look at my Israeli boss sadly attempt to make a snowball (it was his first year experiencing winter) "Why does it melt?" He angry said to me "Because you're not doing right!!!" I pack him a nice and tight snowball, he takes it from my hand and gently scrubs the cum out of the window like a 60's housewife. I back away and took a good look at my boss get rid of a homeless man's ejaculation with a snowball that another man has packed for him. End.