curliewrites

curly haired girl with a love for writing

[curliewrites]

Some days, it still hurts. Randomly, I'll be watching youtube, and it'll hit me: I miss you.

I shouldn't. Things ended horribly between us. I was crushed by you and your choices. But I still miss you when I don't expect to even think about you.

[022222222220]

I know my worth if u don’t

[curliewrites]

I got hurt, that much is true. When he told me that he’d cheated and then we broke up, my heart was shattered. I had lived my 28 years blissfully unaware that I could feel that amount of pain and somehow still feel nothing at all. The pure sadness and heartache that coursed through my body that night was an utter surprise.

Then… he called. That call was one of the worst I’ve ever been on. This man that had been telling me for the last year that he loves me and wanted to get married sat and listened to me bawl my eyes out without emotion. How can someone do that? How do you listen to someone you ‘love’ cry to the point of choking because you cheated and feel nothing? It’s because you never loved them, you loved what they made you feel or what they gave you.

It was two weeks later that I was asked on a date for the first time post-breakup. The entire experience caught me off guard and I wasn’t even sure that’s what was happening. When the realization hit, I explained the recent breakup and that I was not ready to date again. The guy essentially said, “no worries, we can still date”. I left him on read.

Moving on comes in waves. Somedays I feel like I’m ready to date again if the opportunity arises. Other days, the pure thought of dating again scares me to no end. Every day, I know I’m not ready to seek out a date. A month ago, I got the news that no significant other wants to hear and moving on in any capacity still mostly feels incredibly wrong. When will it ever feel right to move on. No guilt, no worries, no concerns? Will it ever happen?

[curliewrites]

• Makes me smile regularly

• Opens all doors for me

• Pumps gas for me

• "I'm telling you 'I love you' in the picture" in reference to him showing the 'ily' part of his tattoo

• Calls me beautiful

• Reminds me that I'm loved

• Can sit on the phone, even without talking, happily

• Listens to me snore even when we're not sleeping in the same bed

• Feeds my Dollar Tree addiction

• Kisses my shoulders while we're sleeping

• Always has to do things in even numbers (kisses, volumes, etc)

• Not ashamed to be seen with me in public, will even cuddle/hug in an aisle

• Pulls the car up to the door when it's raining

• Says "sexy" when I burp

• Orders onion rings when I order fries so we can have both

...And the list of reasons he makes me happy continues to grow...

[curliewrites]

I am a mix of everyone I've ever known...

I eat fries with my pizza because my Dad does and we grew up doing it

I put the creamer in my mug before the coffee because my Mom does and it makes sense to not have to stir it

I speak with a "cornbread" southern accent after spending time with one of my best friends because that's how she speaks

I love with all I have because my other best friend sets that example and I aspire to be as fantastic a person as she is

I eat tortilla chips covered in Tostitos cheese dip and shredded cheese microwaved for a minute and half because my former best friend introduced me to it

I enjoy playing board and card games because that was how my paternal Grandmother cultivated relationships with her grandchildren

I watch games shows and 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' because my paternal Grandfather always had them on when we spent time at his house

I love to watch tv because that was the bulk of the time I got to spend with my maternal Grandfather because by the time I came around he was too old to play with me

I enjoy reading books because it was something I could talk about with my maternal Grandmother, I don't read as much since she passed because I can't talk about the books with her anymore and that makes me sad

I love to cook and bake because it reminds me of time spent in the kitchens at my Grandmother's houses learning from them.

I call dogs "nugget" because my roommate does and it just became part of my vocabulary

I am a combination of everyone I've ever known, some ways are less noticeable than others. That does not mean I am not a person all on my own. But I love this hodge podge of people and their influences on me. I can't wait to see how I do things in the future as I continue to meet new people!

[curliewrites]

The way you live humbly. You are who you are and make no apologies.

The way you haven’t named your cats, and laugh with me when I pick on you about it.

The way you hold me. One arm around my back and the other underneath me.

The way you always seem to know how to make my day better.

The way you are. I fell for all of it.

[curliewrites]

When things get rough

And nothing about life makes sense

You find out that you're tough

No longer relying on pretense

Tough can mean many things

It can mean smart or strong

I guess that's what stings

That you learn most when things go wrong

How you treat this time

Shows your character best

Life gave you a lime

But you were expecting a lemon test

Now is when you learn of what you're made

So... which is it lemon or limeade?

[curliewrites]

Sometimes when you give people pieces of yourself, they turn around and throw them at you to hurt you. Don't let it hurt you, pick those pieces back up and put them back in place. You deserve to be whole.

[curliewrites]

If ever there was a perfect example of 'right person, wrong time', you're it for me.

 I was too young to realize that heart and soul matter so much back then. I was far more concerned with looks. I wanted the wrong things, but now that I want and need the right things... it's too late. I'm kicking myself for not realizing earlier that you are so incredible. Your heart for kids and the elderly, your work ethic, your intelligence, your subtle but overwhelming beauty, the way your smile lights up my day, and the fact that your hands-wrapped-around-your-stomach-gasping-for-breath laughter is my favorite sound ever. But, it's too late... I'm too late.

[curliewrites]

This is the end

Thank you for everything you taught me while we were together. I wish you the best in where you're going in life, I expect great things from you. You've been such a light in my life, helping me learn new things about myself. You're an angel, but you're no longer my angel.

Thank you and I'll be hoping for the best for you.

[curliewrites]

When you get hurt, you don't stop hurting overnight. It takes time, it takes resolve, it takes patience, and it takes loving yourself just enough to work on it.

curliewrites

[curliewrites]

When you love someone, you feel it with every fiber of your being… at least, that’s what I’ve been told. Here’s the thing, I didn’t feel it with every fiber of my being, I only felt it with my mind. My heart was telling me that he wasn’t right for me, everything else was not even concerned with this potential new romantic interest. I felt the love in my mind and not in my heart, because he worked on seducing my mind and not my heart. He made me laugh, he made me think, and he made me question things I thought I’d always known. Including that love is always of the heart.

curliewrites

[curliewrites]

To The Pastor Who Left

I am hurt. You were like a second father to me. Your son and I grew up together, even graduated together. You and your wife were chaperones on school trips as well as church trips. At one time, you were the man I most respected besides my father.

Realistically, your leaving had little to nothing to do with me specifically and I know that. But I still felt like it was my fault, even if only partially so. I asked too much, expected too much, believed too much.

You told us you felt the call of God to work in the mission field and had accepted a position doing such, which was fine. We certainly didn't want you out of the will of God. However, we found out via social media you were trying to get a church in another town about 20 minutes away only a short while after you left. So much for that mission field work, I suppose.

After a decade at our church, you started to change. You didn't care to do outreach anymore, you told us that we could plan events but not to expect you to be there, and the few things you did show up to was only so you could say you were there. Looking back, I realize your heart just wasn't in it any longer.

Your heart, which had once beat for the Lord and our church, was now tired. Exhausted. Beaten down. Possibly even broken in some ways. Certainly done. However, instead of walking away then, you stayed. And if I'm being honest, I wish you hadn't. I truly think it did more harm than good.

Perhaps you thought it was a phase, something you'd get over and your zeal would come back. Or maybe you thought you would ride things out until you were asked by the people of the church to leave. I'm not sure. But you stayed, and you were trying to lead a church "on empty". Even with a small church, that's not good for anyone involved. You, the congregation, your family, no one benefits from that type of season.

The closer you got to the day you decided to leave, the less you cared. Which, considering how much you'd already quit and given up on us, says a lot. You continued to pull back, showed up to even fewer events. Let's be honest, you even severely cut back on the number of services you attended.

Every time we turned around you and/or your family were missing services for one reason or the other. Which speaks volumes about your dedication and zeal for a church that only has one service a week. You would preach, on the odd occasion you actually showed up, about attendance and tithing all while not having regular/weekly attendance and paying all of your tithes to The District Office.

Which, I get... to a point. After you become certified with the Assemblies, you are required to pay 75% of your tithes to The District. But you paid 100% of yours. The church could have used that remaining 25%, and you knew that. Otherwise you wouldn't have been preaching so hard to the congregation about tithing.

Speaking of lecturing (let's be honest, that's what it was) us about tithing, you could have proven yourself a good steward of the church's money. You made major financial decisions mostly on your own, hardly ever going before the church or board as required by bylaws. This is why people stopped tithing.

I don't agree with their decision in not doing so. Personally, I tithe to God and pray that the stewards of His money do as they should with it. I don't tithe to a pastor or treasurer. I'm not going to miss out on my blessings because someone else isn't doing what they should be. God will only count against me when I do not tithe, not when someone else misuses my tithes. However, I wonder... are you lecturing your new church about money?

Probably not. The hurricane came through and just about leveled the building, so the church should be having some insurance money coming soon. I wonder if you'll blow through it like you did our church's money from the State? Plus, you wouldn't want to start off on the wrong foot at your new home church.

For years before you left, I asked for help. Help for the nursery you put me in charge of. Help for announcements in the bulletin we needed made every week. Even spiritual help. You didn't lift a finger. I was stressed, brought to tears of sadness and grief. I was trying so hard to do right by the church and by you. And you couldn't care any less.

A part of me still saw you as the man I had once known you to be. Kind, caring, compassionate, loving. You had stopped calling me "baby girl", which I almost didn't notice... at first. Then it hit me, I heard my given name more and more. You were distancing yourself from me. Pulling away, whether intentional or not.

Shortly after, you announced your resignation. Explained the call you felt for mission work, and told us your last day. That didn't hurt as much as what you did after you left. Finding another church so quick. Working so hard with them after having given up on us. Being there for them in ways you had stopped being there for us. Loving them in ways you had stopped loving us. That stung. Hurt.

I didn't go looking for it, but we still had mutual friends. So every once in a while I would see where you and your new church were doing something. Doing the things you didn't care to do with us the last few years. And it hurt.

Then I realized that the hurt I was feeling was something you didn't know about. I wanted you to apologize, to tell me it wasn't my fault. I didn't make you leave. But you didn't know that. And you didn't need to. Sometimes, we don't get closure. That was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

Now, when I see you and your church doing outreach, having good services, spending time as a church family, I don't get hurt. I'm happy. I'm excited to see your zeal for His Kingdom return. I'm elated that your heart is with a church. I'm ecstatic that you're invested in ministry again. I'm happy that you're happy. I used to hurt. Part of me always will because we were no longer what you needed. But you're where you need to be, I see now.

You leaving caused growth in me i didn't expect. I know we probably won't ever talk again, but I pray that you, your family, and your church are blessed. Thank you for the hurt, it made me and the rest of the church better. It gave us understanding and peace. We will always love and miss you.