@cutetalented - Tumblr Blog

before the past twenty-four hours, mikayla's never regretted quitting the team— not after they qualified for states, not when they won. it was only recently that she started wishing she'd still been on the team, at first because it meant she'd get a week with tai in seattle, far away from her father, but now, she wishes she'd gone missing with them. maybe that's a death wish, but at least she'd be away from her monster of a father— at least she'd be with nat and tai. “ i should have— ” she's cut off with a sob, finding it difficult to breathe, inhaling sharply before she attempts to continue, “ i shouldn't have fucking— ” again, she's unable to finish her sentence, hyperventilating instead.

she's never allowed herself to appear this distraught in front of anyone, but she can't help herself now, accepting the comfort brittany's offering instead of shoving her away, burying her face against her shoulder. she doesn't hug brittany back, afraid to hurt her, because all she wants to do right now is break things, so it's best if she doesn't hold onto anything at all. “ they're both— ” she inhales sharply, her jaw and throat burning, but finally, she forces herself to take a deep breath, to manage one fucking sentence without choking on it. “ i can't lose them both. ” mikayla knows that won't make sense to brittany, because she's only ever expressed any positive emotion for natalie— and losing her is bad enough, because she's her best friend, the only person in the world who knows all of her. but she lost her and the girl she's spent years trying not to fall for, only to let herself do it so quickly in the span of one night, feeling the most hopeful she's felt in her entire life, only to have it all ripped away from her.

brittany doesn’t know what she’s trying to say— and really, she’s afraid of whatever’s at the end of that sentence, she’s just relieved when mikayla gives into the hug. she holds her tighter now that she knows she’s accepting it, her hand gently rubbing her back and her head leaning against hers, trying make her feel safe even if brittany’s usual style of comfort isn’t anything like this. “i know,” she mutters softly, because while she’s never fully understood what she and nat have in common, she understands how important she is to her— but it’s not until a few moments after that she really processes her words. she glances behind her, the the news fading away from the team photo again, and her brows furrow as she tries to recall everyone on the team. it shouldn’t surprise her— mikayla was part of that team, surely she has other people she’s closer with, but not any that brittany can place. and maybe it’s not her place to ask, but if she’s going to help her, she has to figure out what she’s really saying. “mikayla, we can’t go there,” she reminds, taking a deep breath. “they’re okay. they have ot be. you’re not going to lose nat,” she says, speaking the name carefully before she braces herself to ask. “and—-“ she starts, pulling back just enough to look over to her. “who…. what do you mean, both of them? ”

before the past twenty-four hours, mikayla's never regretted quitting the team— not after they qualified for states, not when they won. it was only recently that she started wishing she'd still been on the team, at first because it meant she'd get a week with tai in seattle, far away from her father, but now, she wishes she'd gone missing with them. maybe that's a death wish, but at least she'd be away from her monster of a father— at least she'd be with nat and tai. “ i should have— ” she's cut off with a sob, finding it difficult to breathe, inhaling sharply before she attempts to continue, “ i shouldn't have fucking— ” again, she's unable to finish her sentence, hyperventilating instead.

she's never allowed herself to appear this distraught in front of anyone, but she can't help herself now, accepting the comfort brittany's offering instead of shoving her away, burying her face against her shoulder. she doesn't hug brittany back, afraid to hurt her, because all she wants to do right now is break things, so it's best if she doesn't hold onto anything at all. “ they're both— ” she inhales sharply, her jaw and throat burning, but finally, she forces herself to take a deep breath, to manage one fucking sentence without choking on it. “ i can't lose them both. ” mikayla knows that won't make sense to brittany, because she's only ever expressed any positive emotion for natalie— and losing her is bad enough, because she's her best friend, the only person in the world who knows all of her. but she lost her and the girl she's spent years trying not to fall for, only to let herself do it so quickly in the span of one night, feeling the most hopeful she's felt in her entire life, only to have it all ripped away from her.

brittany doesn’t know what she’s trying to say— and really, she’s afraid of whatever’s at the end of that sentence, she’s just relieved when mikayla gives into the hug. she holds her tighter now that she knows she’s accepting it, her hand gently rubbing her back and her head leaning against hers, trying make her feel safe even if brittany’s usual style of comfort isn’t anything like this. “i know,” she mutters softly, because while she’s never fully understood what she and nat have in common, she understands how important she is to her— but it’s not until a few moments after that she really processes her words. she glances behind her, the the news fading away from the team photo again, and her brows furrow as she tries to recall everyone on the team. it shouldn’t surprise her— mikayla was part of that team, surely she has other people she’s closer with, but not any that brittany can place. and maybe it’s not her place to ask, but if she’s going to help her, she has to figure out what she’s really saying. “mikayla, we can’t go there,” she reminds, taking a deep breath. “they’re okay. they have ot be. you’re not going to lose nat,” she says, speaking the name carefully before she braces herself to ask. “and—-“ she starts, pulling back just enough to look over to her. “who…. what do you mean, both of them? ”

the plane the soccer team was on never landed. the words echo in her head, louder and louder, but that doesn't make them feel any more real. it's only when the person on the other line keeps repeating her name that she snaps out of it, abruptly hanging up, throwing the phone to the side. she can hardly register anything brittany's saying, either, her hands shaking as she stands, repeating the word no over and over again under her breath. she's not even answering brittany's question— she's just refusing to believe what she'd been told, coping with it through denial, like this is just her cheerleader friends trying to fuck with her.

but she can't just ignore it, either, so without explaining herself, she reaches for the remote, turning on the television, flipping through the channels until she lands on the news. her stomach drops when she's met with a photo of the soccer team displayed across the screen, along with a headline she doesn't even want to unscramble. mikayla tightens her grip around the remote, hoping that breaking it might bring her some relief, but she's too impatient to even wait for the crack of plastic, throwing it at the nearest wall instead, although it does absolutely nothing to make her feel better. “ FUCK! ” she can't bring herself to care about keeping it together in front of brittany, pretending she doesn't care, tears already beginning to stream down her face, her hands brought up to grasp desperately at her hair, because she doesn't know what else to do with them.

#manslaught #arc: yj.#help #brittany: hey can someone help me. and also restrain her

brittany’s seen mikayla angry before… sad, lost— all of it. but she’s not sure she’s ever seen it all at once, and she’s definitely never witnessed it when it was just the two of them, moments after brittany had seen mikayla smile like she’d never seen her smile before—- genuinely happy, seemingly excited— in a way that felt contagious, because brittany’s not sure she’s ever smiled this much, either. the sudden change in her demeanor is scary, so brittany takes a step back, mentally preparing for a way to comfort her for something she doesn't understand— until mikayla turns on the news. brittany’s jaw drops, and immediately, she looks back at mikayla— because while she wasn't exactly friends with any of the girls on the soccer team, she immediately understands why this is hitting mikayla even harder than it would any one of their peers. nat was on the plane.

she flinches when the remote is thrown, and as she watches it fly, she knows she has to do something to stop mikayla from grabbing anything else. she takes a step forward, shaking her head as she starts to cry too. with the news playing in the background, brittany’s already come to a conclusion: the plane crashed, and they all died, but as harrowing as that thought is, she’s more concerned about comforting mikayla— even if it means feigning some kind of optimism in a doomed situation. without any more hesitation, she quickly reaches her arms around mikayla and pulls her in for a hug. she doesn’t remember ever doing this with her— not for anything serious, anyway, just quick hugs after a cheer competition or a game, but nothing so serious, yet brittany tries to hide her panic by focusing on her instead. “they don’t — they don’t know anything yet,” she mutters, closing her eyes to ignore her own crying. “don't do that. don’t jump to the worst conclusion,” she says, as if it’s not exactly what she's doing, already wondering how they fuck any of them go on after losing that many people.

brittany had every intention of leaving the room for as long as needed and giving @manslaught her privacy once the phone rang, even if she was still trying to understand what's actually happening with her and the girl in question -- she only lingers for a moment to make sure she's all set, but as soon as mikayla answers the phone, she can tell something's off. she waits, hesitantly taking a few steps towards her bed, shaking her head in a silent inquiry. "what?" she mutters quietly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, her hand placed against her comforter between them. "it's... not her?"

#manslaught #arc: yj.#had the ambition to rewrite this for what we talked about but.#you can go with either option frankly who cares <3 #also. short starter because. dont wanna get in the way of mikaylas reaction fdkaslj #mikayla was really gonna lay on brittanys bed giggling kicking her feet talkin to tai. smh

she’s seen @manslaught angry before, she’s seen her upset, she’s seen her frustrated— but she’s never seen her like this. when they talked about the plane being MIA, she expected mikayla to show up here crying, and she prepared for that with various snacks and drinks brought to her room ready for her, the same thing she’d do for isabel after her hundredth break up for jeff, and this is far more serious, but she’s still doing her best to be the person mikayla needs. she knows nat would maybe be the one she’d turn to before her in a situation like this— but that’s the problem now. she opens her mouth to try to speak, but she realizes she doesn’t actually know what to say in this kind of situation, so she reaches her hand out to hold her shoulder gently instead. “you can stay here. tonight and… however long you want." or need to. "we can talk about it." she doesn't know what to say, despite her own unease about it all, but she needs to know mikayla can talk, if she needs to.

#manslaught #arc: yj.#she's terrified of crying mikayla. and me too

massivedeal

“ that bracelet's cute. ” it's fucking not, but @cutetalented is, so regina could pretend. “ did you, like... make it yourself? ” it looks homemade for sure, so it's not a compliment.

#massivedeal #I’m embarrassed

the pride and the joy she feels at someone complimenting her work isn’t entirely reflected on her face; she’s modest, offering a small smirk in response, her head tilting up just barely. “oh, yeah. I make all my jewelry myself,” she says nonchalantly, like there’s nothing really to talk about—- but she’s desperate for her to ask more questions. she holds her arm out, offering her a better look. “I’ve got plenty for sale, if you’re interested, or whatever.”

it does catch her off guard a little, brittany not just immediately listening to her, agreeing with her, because it's not what she was used to in high school— and while it's good for brittany, it's a little irritating for mikayla, because she could use support right now, not someone insisting she move on when mikayla knows it's not possible. “ how hot? like— compared to what i had. ” that's not a fair question, because mikayla can't imagine ever finding someone more attractive than tai, because it's more than just her appearance alone— it's everything about her that blinds mikayla to everyone else, but if brittany's never been in love, maybe she can't understand that. “ i know what my type is. ” she sighs in defeat anyway, her hand raising to press against her forehead. “ yeah, fine. i'll give her a chance. one chance. but if she just turns out to be some dumb true crime freak, i'm never listening to you again. ”

#manslaught #arc: yj.#damn don't talk shit

brittany's face scrunches up in disgust, but she doesn't mean it. and it's not about taissa, either— she always liked her as a person, she just no longer trusts her, and she doesn't think she deserves mikayla being hung up on her, either. ❝ i'm, like— no, not answering that, ❞ she insists, trying to stand her ground. ❝ but she's hot. can you just trust me on that? ❞ she insists. she scoffs, but she holds her hands up in defeat anyway. ❝ I’m a little insulted you think I wouldn't vet someone like that— but, fine. if that's how she turns out to be, I don't deserve to be trusted again, ❞ she offers, a small grin tugging at her lips. ❝ one chance is all i'm asking. we can make it a double date if that would make you more comfortable, ❞ she offers, raising a brow. ❝ but— - up to you. really. I just want to see you have fun for a night, mikayla. ❞

she doesn't even want the one, but that doesn't seem to matter. mikayla understands brittany's just trying to help, but she doesn't need it, because she knows herself— she can't move on. that's just her being realistic, not dramatic. “ sorry, moe? ” she sneers, not unlike the way she would have in high school whenever she was making fun of someone. “ that's not a hot fucking name. ” already, she's looking for any excuse not to like the girl, as if the biggest obstacle isn't that she's already in love with someone else. she scowls, glancing away. “ doesn't sound like my type at all. ” she likes uptight, clearly, but it's just another excuse, because even if brittany set mikayla up with someone exactly like taissa, it wouldn't matter, because it's not her. “ what does she do? ” as if mikayla has any room to judge on that front.

brittany rolls her eyes; it’s different than it was in high school, because she would have just gone along with whatever mikayla was saying back then, but she’s more confident in standing up for herself now. but it’s not just about defending moe— it’s about genuinely trying to help mikayla, too. ❝ yeah. moe. it’s short for something. ❞ she thinks, anyway. ❝ she’s hot. can you just trust me? ❞ she takes a deep breath, because she knew from the beginning that this was going to be a battle. ❝ well, maybe it’s time to really figure out what your type is. ❞ beyond one girl, anyway. ❝ she went to MIT. she’s a total badass who is, like, incredibly smart. she's cool. i promise. just give her a chance, please? an actual chance. ❞

it won't be different, because the issue was never that the women were criminals, that all of it took place in prison— it was that they weren't her. but mikayla knows she can't admit that, because it might just make brittany even more insistent that this is the right thing to do, like going on a date with some other girl would be enough to make her miraculously move on, like it's even possible for her to fall out of love. she was hoping that brittany wouldn't have anyone in mind, so when she does, mikayla has to stifle a groan of disappointment. “ perfect for me, ” she repeats dryly, unable to believe her, because she's already found that. with a deep sigh, she lets her head fall back for a moment, then looks back at her. “ one fucking date. that's it. ” it feels wrong, like she's betraying tai, but she has to remind herself they're just friends, so it shouldn't matter. “ what's her name? ”

#manslaught #arc: yj.#do not. yell at me for the name

brittany shoots a playful glare back at her and nods her head. ❝ yeah, ❞ she insists, standing her ground. maybe brittany doesn’t know exactly what that is for mikayla anymore, but in her mind, anything is better than waiting around for something with her ex when mikayla doesn’t even know if she can ever truly trust her. brittany’s already made her mind up on that, but she knows it’s not up to her, so the least she can do is try to help mikayla see there are still other options. a small smile tugs at her lips and she puts her hands up. ❝ one. if that’s all you want, ❞ she reminds, because she might actually enjoy her time. ❝ her name is moe. she's cool. laidback, not so uptight . . . ❞ it's not an intentional comparison to the other girl in question, but she thinks the change of pace would be good for her. has time for you, she wants to say, but that feels too direct.

“ i don't mean just girls. it's not that simple anymore. ” in high school, it was, but now she has to be more careful with the people she chooses to trust— she's already had one stupid book written about her by someone she hardly knew, so she doesn't need another. it's probably a good thing that brittany doesn't give mikayla a chance to answer, because she's prepared to say no, not wanting to hear whatever it is she has to ask — and she's right for it, because the question irritates her. brittany doesn't understand: taissa turner isn't just some girl she dated, someone she could easily move on from, like it could ever be that easy— she was the first person to make her feel loved, seen, and even if tai ruined that eventually, she can't just move on from the only person she's ever truly wanted. “ i was with other girls when i was locked up, ” she says, but there's no pride in it, because every single one felt like a complete mistake. “ and i just... wasn't into it. ” but knowing that all of her friends just see her as some pathetic, lovesick loser who can't get over her ex who hurt her gets under her skin, so she lets out a defeated sigh. “ but if you know someone... i'll try one fucking date. ”

she sighs, because she understands that it’s more complicated from her position, but she doesn’t want that to mean mikayla closes herself off to it forever. her spending time with tai lately worries her, because it feels like another excuse to tell herself she doesn’t want it— and maybe she doesn’t, but brittany’s just worried. ❝ i know it’s probably hard. but that can’t be your only experience. it has to be different outside of there. ❞ she wants to believe that, anyway— she just doesn’t want mikayla to give up trying. she raises a brow, surprised she’s giving in, even if she doesn’t have a lot of faith in her actually committing to it. ❝ actually— i do, ❞ she says, her grin growing slightly. ❝ there’s a girl i know who i think would be perfect for you. cute. not about drama. ❞ at least, she won't hold mikayla's past against her, won't dwell on it. she'd be good for her. ❝ — if you're actually willing to give her a chance. ❞

mikayla doesn't even recognize how much she's been talking about taissa, because it just makes her feel eighteen years old again— only this time, she doesn't have to pretend she hates her. she doesn't care if she's annoying about it, either, because she didn't let herself mention tai once in five years, so it feels earned, almost, even if she's likely the only person in the world who feels that way. her brows furrow when brittany sits up, not knowing what to expect— but when she goes on, mikayla can't help but roll her eyes. it's a waste of time, since she knows it's impossible for her to be interested in anyone else; it's always been that way, for as long as she could remember, and it's even worse now that she actually knows what it's like to have tai, no matter how long it's been.

“ i was never open to it. ” especially now. even without tai in the picture, meeting someone feels impossible, because there's no way for mikayla to know if they actually want her, or if they just want to know about what happened out there— and that hardly even matters, because it's difficult enough finding people who don't treat her like she's some ticking time bomb, ready to blow up again at any given moment. “ even if i was, my dating pool isn't exactly big. ” but even if it were, it wouldn't matter, because she's blind to everyone but tai.

#manslaught #arc: yj.#you cant just say that

brittany’s eyes narrow in on her as she tries to decide if she believes her. there’s a question that she wants to ask, but she’s not sure how mikayla’s going to receive it, and she’s nervous for how she’s going to respond regardless. with a deep breath, she tilts her head to the side. ❝ never? ❞ she asks, humming softly. ❝ okay. i get that, that’s what i thought too, but— it’s a lot bigger than you think it is, ❞ she insists, sitting up now and leaning towards her. ❝ can i ask you something? ❞ she doesn't wait for her to answer. maybe back in high school, she wouldn’t have dared to ask— she followed mikayla’s lead, she never overstep, never spoke up for herself. but things are different now after all the years they spent apart and how brittany’s grown up since, and she cares about her too much to leave it alone. ❝ how much about this is not being interested and how much is about just wanting to be with her? ❞

she's staring blankly at the bracelet on her wrist, aimlessly running her fingers along it as she waits for @manslaught to finish what she's going on about. something about taissa being busy, something brittany finds relieving, actually, because maybe it's a chance for mikayla to think about literally anything else. brittany doesn't know first hand was it was really like for her out there, or even in prison, but she does know that her ex is back in her life way too late for what she deserves. when there's a pause, she quickly sits up, putting her hands out in front of her. ❝ okay, i know what you need. ❞ her brow raises, and she hopes mikayla's mind doesn't immediately go to her. ❝ we need to get you a date. or— at least someone to take your mind off this. if you want to be friends with her, fine, but that doesn't mean you're closing yourself off to the possibility of meeting someone. ❞ because that's all this is, right? they're just friends, so to save mikayla from getting trapped into wanting more with someone who doesn't deserve it, she wants to help her move on. it's almost a test, one she's hoping mikayla won't back out of.

#manslaught #arc: yj.#hi. 🤪

mikayla looks at the ground in an attempt to hide the pained expression on her face, because it feels strange, defending the person she's spent so much time complaining about to all of her friends— what's worse is that it doesn't feel wrong, because this is what she actually wants to do for once, instead of what she thinks she has to do. “ it's not about her. ” she says in defense, but mikayla doubts that's true; had it been any of the others, except for nat, she wouldn't care enough to comment on it outside of just regular gossip. but all she can think about is the look on tai's face in that locker room, so maybe it is entirely about her. she just can't admit it. “ it's just the truth. she didn't mean to. ”

she's nervous about what might happen when she gets back, knowing that her safety relies entirely on what happens during that game— if she embarrasses her father by losing, it might be safer not to come home at all, to just stay in seattle and figure it out from there. her chest tightens at the thought of the hotel, remembering what she'd learned earlier in the day, when she'd gone snooping around coach's office while everyone else was preoccupied with the allie incident. “ i'm supposed to share a room with tai, ” she attempts to sound annoyed about it, instead of what she actually feels: nervous, terrified, and strangely enough, excited. nothing good can come of it, so it felt like a horrible joke when she saw their names together on that list. she can barely handle being in the locker room with her, so how the fuck are they supposed to share a room? “ so martinez wants someone to die, i guess. ”

#manslaught #arc: yj.#brittany: are you in love with her. btw

brittany backs off the moment mikayla snaps back, partly because she doesn't know enough to argue, and partly because she's found it's easier to support mikayla than it is to go against her. "okay," she says simply with a shrug. "still sucks, though. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I accidentally hurt someone like that. it sounds … brutal,” she says with a sigh, even her tone mostly uninterested, but she's here for mikayla if she needs to talk about it. “kind of a horrible last day of practice."

she nearly stops in her tracks as mikayla tells her, her hand reaching out to gently hold mikayla's arm. "excuse me?" she asks with a scoff. "taissa turner?" she asks, though no clarification is necessary. she doesn't mean to, but a smile starts to tug at her lips, mostly out of amusement. mikayla clearly doesn't like her, but— she also spends most of her time talking about her, and, apparently, thinking about her, too. it's hard not to find amusement in it, even though brittany still certainly cares for her friend. "okay, okay, sorry. I'm trying not to laugh," she admits as she retracts her hand and centers herself again. "that's, like, weird karma, right? maybe your coach thinks spending the night with someone you hate will, like, I don't know, fuel the fire. make you better on the field." she doubts thta's true— but she would still love to know how this happened. "so, what are you going to do? I mean.... threaten some junior to switch?"

it's so much worse then cheer competitions, because even though she's not the head of the soccer team, there's still so much more on her shoulders for this— knowing she has to somehow live up to her father's expectations one more time, just to save herself from harm. but she can't let herself show how nervous she is, so mikayla shrugs instead. “ a lot happened today, i guess. ” she'd been hoping that brittany wouldn't ask about it, but of course she does. normally, mikayla would have loved to talk about it, to gossip, but it all revolves around the one person she left the party to avoid tonight, so she's hesitant now.

“ yeah, taissa— ” now would normally be the time for her to insult her, and for once, it would be justified, because she actually did something worth insulting. but then she remembers the look on tai's face in the locker room, how quiet she became, and suddenly, mikayla isn't as eager. “ it was an accident. ” nobody but brittany's around, so mikayla feels safe enough to defend her, for what might be the first time since they were kids. “ and if people start saying otherwise, let me know, so i can make them shut the fuck up. if they weren't there, they don't get to say shit. ”

she rolls her eyes at the mention of her boyfriend, because she prefers to forget she has one at all. a part of her should feel bad for leaving him behind, considering they're not going to see each other again for days, but she'd forgotten about him almost entirely the moment she saw tai arrive. “ he'll live. ” she lets out a small laugh, “ friends with them? you definitely don't have to worry about that. ”

when mikayla says who it was, brittany rolls her eyes, not entirely shocked— but mostly because her only real understanding of taissa is through mikayla’s complaints. she doesn’t know her personally, hasn’t even really spent any time with her; all she knows is what mikayla’s said about her, and she’s always stood by mikayla’s side, backing her up regardless of what brittany doesn’t know. she braces herself for mikayla to talk about taissa now— especially considering the circumstances, but she’s caught off guard when she starts to defend her. her brow raises, but she says nothing, lips pursed together as she only follows mikayla’s lead on this, because she doesn’t know enough personally to know otherwise. “wow. no wonder your team is so on edge, especially if you’re the one defending taissa turner,” she points out. but she holds her hand up, a promise that she’ll do as she says. “sure. but your team likes to talk. i’m sure it’ll be everywhere by the time you’re in seattle or wherever."

she offers a smile and nods back at her. “thank god. when you get back, you’ll have to give me a full debrief.” she’ll be waiting for it, because she’s already dreading a week without her best friend, knowing despite the fact she has other friends, mikayla’s the one she spends the most time with, the one who seems to understand her desire to not spend any time in her house alone. “i mean— about whatever drama happens at the hotel. i don’t care about the game,” she teases.

#warpainte #arc: yj.

she'd rather not talk about it, because mikayla has no explanation she could readily give. all she knows is that the moment she saw taissa, she was overwhelmed with panic, her stomach twisting in so many knots that the only solution she could think of was to leave entirely. what is she supposed to tell brittany? that taissa turner looked so good she couldn't handle being anywhere near her? that it had to be brittany she dragged out of there with her, because she didn't want asher to get the wrong idea? absolutely fucking not. “ well, yeah. bad enough i have to be stuck with them for an entire week. i don't need to be around them tonight. ” her face feels warm, especially when she remembers who she got assigned to room with, something she's been desperately working on changing, but to no avail so far. “ you should be grateful for the quality time with me. what are you going to do for a whole week without me? ”