Howdy everyone. To those who are reading this, I’ll be venting once again. However, this might be a bit more personal. You’re more than free to disregard this post, but to those who read it, thank you for your time.
So…life’s been a complete disaster. My household treats me poorly daily, and I unfortunately cannot escape this situation until I get money to move out.
My parents have hurt me in ways that I cannot explain fully. But I’ll say this for certain: mental abuse. Ever since I was a child, it’s been an ongoing issue. I’m told I deserve to get bullied, told that I’ll never amount to anything, told that I’m a freak who doesn’t deserve anything. No gifts, no friends, no happiness. And everytime I try to be happy for a split second, it gets demolished by my parents with their negative comments about me.
Aches me daily. The more I keep living, the more I sink in those words, and feel useless. I can’t even create art without having someone from my household telling me it’s a waste of time to work on. And art is something I’ve been doing practically all my life.
I despise the fact that I’m being threatened to get kicked out of home if I fail to obey my parents’ unrealistic expectations. When I already do that, it’s bringing me into a state of misery.
Heck, I feel like a terrible friend to those who are currently my friend. I just keep spewing my moronic feelings, and have no input about it. Sometimes I think it’s best that I remain silent about venting to my friends. I’m only making this post just to notify others about how I’ve been and my feelings over the past couple years.
Sometimes, I have mood swings and it sets me into unwanted places. Although random, they are manageable. Usually doing something I enjoy solves this. But it’s really irritating to have my parents tell me that art doesn’t do anything to a person. Boy are they wrong. Art has made me very creative and patient, and that is wonderful. My art has gotten better thanks to the many art trades I’ve done with people.
Yet, I feel out of it. With just about anything I do, my stress level keeps getting worse to certain things. I’m claustrophobic, so being around a ton of people or closed spaces and or objects get my mind racing. I hate that I’ve met people joking about claustrophobia, it’s not okay. When people treat a phobia as a joke, please don’t do that. It grinds my gears.
Anyhow, sometimes I feel like I’m inferior sad a person and a friend. And often I choose to avoid people for the sake of their health, plus others are busy, so I get it.
What upsets me, is getting abandoned. By my close friends especially. Or anybody that’s genuinely kind to me. Countless times have I keep ghosted without a word by many people, and it’s never a pleasant feeling. You feel shackled and shut down. The fact this happens often really shows how terrible I am. But to those who have been my friend for a while, thank you.
The only thing keeping me intact at the moment, is Hol Horse. He’s been nothing but an example I follow, to always be a number 2. And to never strive for perfection, or being a perfectionist. He has his own way of life, and so do I want to aim for that someday. He means so much to me, more than I can express.
Sorry for the venting. Just wanted to express how I’ve been feeling and what’s going on. Thanks to those who read it.
Update: There’s a chance I’ll get kicked out of home at any given time.
My mom just disowned me, and I’m at a loss. Why did my life come down to this, I don’t even know…
There might come a time where I’ll be homeless. And that, is not ideal. If this happens and nobody hears from me for a long time, I’m sorry to worry others, but there’s so little I can do.
Apparently I have to obey my crappy “parents” and accept that, when it’s harming me more than I can say. Because they are mentally abusive and guilt trip me often. And each time I attempt to speak for myself, it get shut down immediately and stuck in a spiral.
I’ll try my best to hang in there while I still have shelter. But I also take commissions. Whether you want to support me by reblogging the commissions, or commissioning me, that would be appreciated and helpful.
and thank you for the generous horse donation i’m sure he is thoroughly enjoying that apple. it is good to feed your horse yummy snacks so he is happy and healthy and does not die!!
so sorry this took forever even if it’s just a doodle life has been very busy recently
