Life Is All About Which Direction You Go

Just a lad who thinks far more than he'll ever speak. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Let's drink and talk about life.

[d-evolve]

Everything has flipped

Well that’s how life feels. Things that used to be so simple are now impossible to decipher.My family is only getting older, as I am too. Parents get older and need to keep their health in shape more. Family grows distant. Things change.

I feel like I’m someone who can’t do anything but push myself away from anyone who looks at me. I feel that I’m one person who people just see through like a bottle of water. Like a drop of blood in a Red Sea. Unnoticed and often times unwelcomed. I feel that no matter what i try I instinctively do something to ruin any good thing that comes my way. And I’m not happy about it. But I don’t now how to change.

I wonder if these things about me will ever change. Or will I just take these awful habits to the grave with me? Why I always give myself to others but when a bullet comes my way there’s nothing but spatial atoms in between it and I?

You know it’s bad when you can just smile through the pain and say “yeah my life is going great” and someone tells you that you sound sad when you say it. Where do you go when even the few people in your life to turn to are no longer there? When one person who devoted themselves to you isn’t sure about how much of you they’re willing to handle until they just cave in? Because somewhere along the line I just had to find some way or another to once again fuck it all up.

I just want answers. I want the truth. I want to stop hurting. And I want to leave this world with positive affiliations to my name.

[d-evolve]

Happiness is a great thing

But it’s hard to be happy for someone close to you and not doubt yourself as to if you’ll ever be as happy.

My sister gets married next month.

I only hope I can ever be as happy as she is, one day, with the right person.

That’s if that day ever comes for me. It may. It may not.

But until then, I find myself continuously getting thrown in the circle of getting to know someone great, someone intriguing go me...and it be great....just to lead to nothing.

Such is life...never knowing what it is that I do wrong or why things always collapse to nothing.

[d-evolve]

I’ve learned a lot

But above all: expect nothing.

If you don’t expect anything from anyone, you can’t be upset/hurt by when they leave. Because people do leave. Whether it’s for the better, or worse, or an unforeseen reason.

The less that you expect the better.

On the flip side; give. Give to those who deserve it, because after you give too much to those who don’t deserve it, you’ll have given too much.

[d-evolve]

I hate me

I’m a guy who can tell everyone how situations play out with 3 good options,

Yet i can’t take my own for my own benefit.

I’d rather be shot, taste a bullet some days, honestly.

It always seems like the faster and easier way out.

I hate when I ask people for help or advice because I give it out like it’s candy but when people tell me or offer me some I feel so helpless and vulnerable.

I hate fucking things up.

Every time, I find some way.

I just wish things were more simplistic. Regardless of where or when I am.

I do things for others and would give my life for someone I think is cute after seeing them for a day, over my own. Any day.

Guess it’s one of those nights. Where a young careless mind could drive a car over the edge to end it all.

[d-evolve]

I'll go out of my way.

If I like you,

Not necessarily in a romantic way.

If I like your persona, who you are, your personality.

I go out of my ways for people who have never said more than "thanks" and then they disappear.

I'll go out of my way.

I'll take a bullet for someone else first because that's who I am.

I'll invest time, emotions, and money into you, although it would be for nothing.

I see the best in you that you suppress from your own self, because you've been molded by someone else to think bad about certain things.

I wouldn't say I regret things I do for people; I just wish I knew not to invest so much in people who give so little/nothing in return.

Yet still....I'll go out of my way.

[d-evolve]

Maybe one day

People will realize that I've tried to help them. Even more so than I help myself. Because I don't need to help myself with these things. I try to do what's right. If that means spending $5 on an ice cream cone and telling you a stupid joke, Or spending $100 on a night out that keeps your mind off your issues for the entirety of that night. Not because I need to, but because I want to. I always try to help people I know need it. But that won't last because people belittle the value in those efforts. And investing the time in someone who doesn't reciprocate anything in return, is time that I won't ever get back.

[d-evolve]

As of suddenly...

I feel worried about what lies down the road ahead of me. I want a bigger purpose of my life, as of mine just feels stale. The idea of having one person to teach sounds delightful, to see them grow and become great. I realized as I've grown older and wiser, so have all my loved ones, but now I start to see it. The idea of losing them strikes fear in my life, not knowing what direction my life would crumble to then. I realize things that I used to hate, served a greater purpose than I realized in the past. I don't want things for myself; I'm tired of being selfish. I want to make someone happy, someone who I can trust would appreciate it because I would give them my all....Because what good is one's all, if they keep it to themselves?

[d-evolve]

There's tired...

And then there's jet lag tired. I'm talking 7/8 hours over a 50 hour span.

[d-evolve]

A special day

In 16 minutes I'll technically be 22, considering where I am on the map and my time zone. It's just a shame I've got no way nor nobody to celebrate it with.

[d-evolve]

One day, hopefully

someone will pick up what I'm putting down. or alternatively, I'll just sink with the fucking ship and that'll be the end of me. Who'd be around to see it? Maybe those who'd look back. If that.

[d-evolve]

Eye see you. It’s amazing what a pair of eyes will see throughout a lifetime. No perfect description can ever explain all that eyes see. Some of what they see may be unforgiving, some of what they see will be indescribable. I guess that’s what makes them so great.

[d-evolve]

Death is welcome

Death is something I no longer fear. There aren't many things I fear in my life anymore. There are some things I may be reluctant about or not fond of, but not many things I fear. Living an unhappy life. Not being able to make someone worth the time and effort. Seeing trials and efforts going unnoticed and unwelcome. Knowing there's over 7 billion people on this earth and not finding ONE who can make me forget the bridges I've crossed already. Having nowhere to go or no sense of purpose. These are things I fear.

[d-evolve]

Today across the world...

My parents and maybe some friends are concerned because of the events in Paris, and that I'm NOT TOO FAR from it. Here's my thing. If something inevitable happens, and it's just destined to be, that's it. If I get hit by a bus crossing a street in Paris and that's how I go, cool. If I get ran into by some guy on a bike, cool. I try not to let fear drive my life, I've lived 21 years of my life and they've been pretty good years. Ya I've had ups and downs, but if that's it, guess that's life. I like to think I've been somewhat of a good thing in people's lives. Especially for anyone I've ever cared for. I do not fear death. Some philosophies and cultures see death not as an end of a life, but a liberation of something we cannot as human beings even fathom. So if that's how I go, that's how life is meant to be. I just ask you remember me as I was, not as I am.

[d-evolve]

This city is beautiful

[d-evolve]

New guy in town

Specifically in Rennes. But on Tumblr in general, any tips?

[d-evolve]

In Rennes and I am not prepared.

[d-evolve]

Perspective

Is everything How you see yourself How you see others How others see you The problem is people don’t try to see the water from the other side of the pond They don’t care to step back and see the bigger picture Perspective explains why we see things we like or dislike about others or ourselves Perspective is key To be better you have to be able to put on a new set of lens and be willing to accept what you see for its face value. Whether you care enough to change it or not depends on the person.