my therapist dalton will say shit like, āhow are you feeling?ā
and so iāll say, ālike oatmeal thatās been forgotten in the microwave for four hoursā or āan achromatic kaleidoscopeā or ālike a hamster wheel without the hamsterā or ālike a whirlybird falling from the top of a treeā or ālike a baby animal with spindly legs going viral on the internet because people think me looking stupid while learning to walk is hilariousā or ālike someone is watching me walk downhillā or ālike ikea furniture that didnāt come with instructionsā or ālike the ambiguous blue liquid being absorbed by a paper towel in a commercialā or ālike the human equivalent of ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆā or ālike the sound a wet trout makes when smacked against a wallā
and then heāll say some shit like āberklie weāve been over this. you have to say how you feel not what you feel like.ā
and then iāll say something like, āi dunno. just like the way waluigi says āwah.āā
and then heāll say some shit like, āberklie for the love of god you have got to give me an emotion and not a metaphor.ā
and then iāll have to say something like, āfine. i guess i feel bored. or listless. or apathetic, but only in regards to myself.ā
and then heāll say some shit like, āberklie, thatās depression.ā
and then iāll say, āhow was i supposed to know?ā
only iām sisyphus and my emotions are a boulder and once a week a man who has an extensive knowledge of mules gees and haws me until i manage to drag out the government name of an emotion from somewhere.
thi is very much the non-funny therapy bit i didnāt include.
Yet there is something far more whimsical to say you how you feel like that how you actually feel. It's probably intellectualising the feelings rather than feeling them but where's the fun in feeling sad but you're actually feeling sad in the way plants miss the sun, when the warmth on your face from the winter sun is cast over by a shadow and you feel hollow in your bones like a desk toy if a bird that dips to drink but can never actually drink.
Sometimes the government name for a feeling doesn't encapsulate the way you are actually feeling. Depression sadness is more than just sad it's an apathetic ache of something missing but with only boredom to try to fill the space.
#just things - feelings are hard and I have both a loathing and love for them #the obscure book of sorrows does so well I'm giving names to feelings you couldn't name before #funkenzwangsvortstellung - the primal trance of watching a campfire in the dark
