You surprised me when you're back. You said you miss me. You said you want to meet up. I said I miss you too. I said I want to meet up too. We scheduled to meet. You rain checked last minute. You want to spend your Saturday with your mum. I was fine. Meet Up Attempt #1 : Fail. We tried to reschedule. I was busy when you're free. You were busy when I'm free. I had cafe work and fixed schedule of outings. You had magazine work and your outings. Finally after I kept trying to fix us a meet up, we settled on a Monday. You were only free in the morning. I had meet up with other girls at 4.30pm. I was mentally and emotionally prepared to stay in Parade from 1pm-4.30pm just to meet you in the morning. Plan changed. Venue changed. Parade --> Pyramid. It was even better eventhough I'll have to walk home alone. Plan changed. Time changed. 10am-1pm --> 10am-12pm (Wait from 9am-10am) Plan changed. Time changed. 10am-12pm --> 11am-12pm (Wait from 9am-11am) *Note #1: waiting time starts from 9am due to the fact that I don't have transport after that. *Note #2: you will be meeting your friends at 12pm in Caffè Bene I was shocked that you'd even dare to propose to meet me for only an hour. Even then, I mentally prepared myself to meet for just that one hour. We confirmed our meet up. Monday morning ~8.30am, you messaged me. "Hey, my mum needs me to help her with some stuff. So I don't think I can make it" I was fully prepared. Bathed and ready to go. I was getting annoyed and frustrated. I replied you. "Okay. Next time then?" You replied. "Okay then. Maybe next time then." At 11.14am, you sent me a message saying that you're free already. I was beyond annoyed and decided to just ignore you. Why? #1 I do not have transport anymore. So I have to walk over. #2 Walking over is fine. But for how long do we meet? By the time we reach there, earliest it'll be is 11.30am. So we meet from 11.30am-12pm?? It is definitely the most absurd suggestion/expectation you have. #3 I already lost my mood to hang out with you. #4 I thought you were too selfish and ignorant of how I feel or my opinion. #5 It's also selfish of you to expect that I meet you according to your convenience only. Hence, I ignored you. Honestly, I don't regret my actions. ~4.30pm you messaged me. "Entirely grateful for you replying me" Fuck your sarcasm. You have no rights to use it on me at all. I replied "I do not enjoy your sarcasm". You claimed that your sarcasm is with hope that I will understand you. Well, go fuck yourself. Do you even begin to understand how I feel before expecting me to understand you? How many times have I ffk you? Do you even know how it feels to be ffk-ed continuously? Do you know how it makes your sincerity doubtful? It begins to make your words sound like sugar coated shit. Funny thing is you expect me to swallow it happily. You gave me excuses like you had work, you had limited time for people so you obviously put your family first, you had rain checked alot of your friends too and "I can't help it when I am busy. Okay? I can't help it if I have things to do. Commitments to other arrangements. It's not that I don't want to see you rather I don't have the time. We can Skype. It's not like I have to be psychically present for you. My world don't revolve just around 5 people" It's fine with me that you put your family first. I'm not happy that you claim me as your sister and you miss me but you put other friends ahead of me. You met Sam, Joyce and Trisha. I'm not stupid. Yes you made time. But not for me. Saying that you don't have to be physically present for me is what you claim now. To back up your excuses and reasons. To put this argument on me. I replied you, "Zz. Enough. I'm done talking about this. We obviously have different needs from each other." You replied, "I was being sarcastic because I was annoyed at how everything played out. I'm done. I'll still be here if you need me. Till then, hope everything works out fine for you. I'm not being sarcastic. I genuinely wish you well Because I know what you're going through right now I know what it's like for you right now okay? So yes I wish you well" Honestly, you can't even begin to fathom how you played a part in why I want to get away from contacting or connecting with people. You made me feel like a gullible idiot who keeps falling for your damn sugar coated words or lies or empty promises or endearing claimings. In the end in reality, you don't care how I feel. You're just there when you need me to comfort you. You ask me "how are you?" in hope that I will ask you the same and you can get your story out. Now I don't even know if you're genuinely happy for me to be with Hiromu or not. Yes, I barely know him. But heck, he makes me happy. You don't seem to mean your words anymore when you said that you're happy that I'm happy. Now you said that "1 month is impossible to fall in love". You know what? I did. He does make me happy. At least he gives his all to come here to meet me for as long as he can. He makes an effort. I remember you ffk me too during my farewell party in Zamaril's place before I left for UUM. You gave a lame excuse too. Later on, you wanted me to send you off to Australia too. I remember during highschool, you ffk me so many times until I was angry too. You gave lame excuses and fought hard for your lame excuses too. I guess bad habits die hard. Or maybe I should say, bad habits never die. In the end, I question myself. Why am I so stupid to believe you over and over again? Why should I have a soft heart? Should I even talk to you about my true feelings when I'm troubled? Are you even sincere when you said you understand? I truly doubt you now. Reasons being you make decisions by yourself at the expense of my feelings and vulnerability. This is it. I'm done with it. You can go rain check your other people you claim to be sisters.
