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That feeling in my stomach. That tightness like I just want to vomit. I guess that's what emotional abuse feels like.

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Spend less time being afraid of divorce and more time being afraid of suffering in an unhealthy relationship without the tools to fix it or the strength to leave

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Ask yourself "What will you bring the world today?"

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I miss you.

I feel it in my entire body.

There’s a sadness that has washed over me.

I still wake every morning and feel your love wrapped around me like a warm blanket.

I get ready with your words surrounding my heart and I believe that I am truly beautiful.

I sense my confidence and smile when I think about the part you played in strengthening it.

Your gifts resonate through me in everything I do.

I’ll be fine without you.

I’ll continue to wake up each morning knowing that I’m loved, feeling beautiful, and exuding confidence.

I will also be conscious of the place in my mind and heart where you live.

I will also be conscious of the place in my mind and heart where you live.

The part that simultaneously brings me incredible joy and instant sadness.

I’m grateful for the short time I was given with you.

I’m devastated that our time together had to end so suddenly.

I miss you.

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You are the Only Exception…..

I asked my partner “How is our relationship different from your other relationships?” He responded “They are all different. You are you, I am me. We interact in a way that other people do not. If I approached you as though you were someone you are not, the relationship would not work for us.”

In that moment, I realized that I was disappointed. I was hoping he would tell me that I am a person who is worth being different for. Immediately, I realized how fucked up that narrative was and began to wonder where I learned it. Where do women get the message that men are supposed to treat us like shit and you know you’ve found “the right guy” when you’re the girl who makes him want to be different. When you’re the girl who makes him want to treat you with respect. When you are the only exception, that’s how you know.

Why is this what we are taught and what we look for? Why instead are we not looking for a partner with whom we are not the exception, but we are the rule? Someone who doesn’t have to change their entire life and become a different person to give you what you deserve because they are, by nature of being themselves, the type of person who can treat you how you deserve.

Imagine all the energy we would have to dedicate to more important things in relationships if we weren’t so concerned with whether our partner could learn to be respectful enough of one woman to make you happy.

I challenge you to ask yourself: In your relationship, are you the only exception?

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Panic attacks. Anxiety.

I’m certain they look different for every person. For me, the start with becoming hyper aware of my surroundings. I begin to overthink what I am doing and what others may be thinking of me. I feel my body start to get cold and my heart start to beat quicker. I want to remove myself from the situation at all costs. I think and rethink everything I am doing and have done. I begin to emotionally reason. I did x, y, and z, everyone must think I’m so stupid. I start to feel shame bubble up inside me. Sometimes I can control myself because I have to.

Sometimes I’m alone and my head goes foggy, racing with thoughts. I begin to feel like I can’t breathe and I know the only way to make it stop is to go through it. So my attention shifts to my breathing because I begin to feel light headed and sometimes need to lean on things for stability. Then I notice how intensely my chest is rising and falling and how dry my mouth is becoming. I swallow hard and slow my breathing for a second. Eventually things around me come back into focus and I am able to stand on my own. My breath still feels heavy, but it’s manageable.

Then I spend the next 30 minutes to several hours berating myself for my own actions. Asking myself questions like “Why would you do/say that?” “Who does/says things like that?” “Why do you have to be like this?” “Why can’t you be different?”

If I let myself become lost in those thoughts, they can continue for hours, days, even years. I find myself feeling shameful about situations that occurred when I was in high school. Lately I’ve been able to control my anxiety a little. I’ve been able to remind myself to be as kind and forgiving with myself as I am with other people. If I make a mistake driving, nobody but me is going to remember it. Even if they do, it doesn’t matter what they think. I can’t control them thinking that I’m rude or a bad person. I can remember next time someone cuts me off to be kind and not get angry because we’ve all done it, out of necessity, out of hurry, or on accident. I can remind myself that I was awkward in the situation, and that’s okay. What does it mean about me as a person if I appeared awkward? That I sometimes get uncomfortable around a lot of people I don’t know? That I sometimes let anxiety get the better of me? That I’m aware of my issues and I’m dealing with them? I can breathe. I can remind myself that I AM OKAY AS I AM.

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Is anyone else afraid to watch any couple’s videos on Youtube just in case you’re secretly the reason everyone is breaking up? 

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To the person I used to call my best friend......

To the person I used to call my best friend,

I think it is very unfortunate that I am even writing this letter. I never imagined a time when I wouldn’t call you my best friend. You were more like a sister to me than my own sister. I told you everything. You were the one person I NEVER had to censor myself around or pretty up my feelings for. You were the person I told first about my husband’s affairs. You were the person I trusted the most. You were the person that I counted on when I didn’t feel like I could count on my own family. You were the person I would want to share my day with and the person I would get the most excited to share my successes with.

We walked two very different paths, but we never competed. We never used the other as a measuring stick. We could be so honest with each other even when it hurt. Neither of us had the best childhood, but we made up for all the missed laughter when we were together. We could laugh at anything and just having you by my side made my world a little brighter.

You understood my heart and knew how much I cared for others. You never failed to remind me that I needed to care for myself too and you showed me what it meant to truly have someone who cared about me without desiring anything in return. We spent every moment together and your hilarious GRWM snaps always made it worth me getting out of bed to see.

I can’t speak for how I influenced your life, but I would like to think that I was all of these things in return for you. I never judged you for any of the labels you placed upon yourself, but I was always protective of you. I hated watching you open yourself up to people who weren’t worthy of you time and time again. Mostly I hated watching you hurt knowing that all I could do is sit with you and remind you that when you hurt I hurt.

I still remember watching Grey’s Anatomy and being able to relate so well to the friendship Meredith and Christina had. I remember sitting alone on my couch clutching my couch cushion, my eyes burning with tears as I watched season 8 episode 19. Witnessing the betrayal Christina was experiencing, which was all too familiar, feeling like I was going to become physically ill, and seeing Meredith respond with perfection reminded me that even in my darkest days I had you.

Neither of us were perfect. I often spoke too harshly and pushed you away when I was feeling vulnerable. You fought back and reminded me that you weren’t going anywhere. You reminded me that I am person who is worth fighting for. You told me to cut my shit out. You made poor decisions that put our friendship at risk more than once, but each time I knew that your heart wasn’t in a bad place. You agonized through a few days without me so that I could have my space. Eventually, your wonderful mother would remind us how lucky we were to have each other and how grateful she was that you had me. I could often recognize the most beautiful parts of her in you.

But things change.

I was going through so much. I had just realized that my marriage couldn’t continue and I also had one of my biggest dreams shattered into a million pieces. I needed you then more than ever. I didn’t expect you to be there to catch every tear or to tell me every day that I was worthy and deserved better than what I was receiving. But I did need you. I needed you to sit with me during our usual Friday fun days. I needed you to recognize that I wasn’t okay.

But you didn’t realize that I wasn’t okay. You didn’t hear me telling you that I wasn’t okay. You were too busy texting a guy you had known for four days. I wouldn’t consider myself an unreasonable person. I know that when you start dating someone you need to spend time with them. What I don’t understand is why you decided that this guy was worth completely changing our friendship for.

You complained every night I asked you to hang out during the week that you were tired, but you never batted an eye or thought twice if he asked you to come over. On the rare occasion that you would come over you weren’t actually here. You spent the entire thirty minutes texting and answering phone calls from him before you would eventually ask me to take you home so you could go spend time with him because he was upset that you weren’t with him.

I tried to be a good friend. I tried to warn you that the behaviors he was displaying weren’t healthy. I tried to tell you that I was hurting and that I needed you. You didn’t care. You decided a person you knew for four days was worth more to you than I was you decided that it was more important to appease some guy that you knew for four days than to listen to your best friend when my entire world was coming apart.

I understand that a new guy means less time together. We had been through this before. I waited patiently before while you left to go hook up. But you never forgot about me in the process, and I never felt the need to protect myself from you. Days would go by without texts from you. The only forms of communication you would send me were showing me what you were doing with him. I was happy that you were happy, but I also recognized that you were doing the bare minimum to not feel like an absolutely shitty friend.

You can pretend that’s not true if you want, but we both know that it is. You would contact me just enough to say “oh she’s busy with homework, my duty is done.” But that never stopped you before. You asked me once in four weeks to go to lunch and when I couldn’t go you made a facebook post with the message “fuck you too then.” Again, you can pretend that it wasn’t aimed at me, but we both know that it was. Then when you felt that I was slipping away, you didn’t ask to talk. You didn’t tell me you felt us growing distant and you were concerned. You sent me a message that said “what the fuck is your problem,” and when I didn’t respond you were quick to tell me “bitch, bye then.” I’m not stupid, I know those messages probably weren’t something you did without influence, but you still sent them, or at the very least you allowed them to be sent.

Afterwards you tried to play it off like I was upset you got a boyfriend. We both know that wasn’t true. When you tried to apologize you continued to blame the situation on me by saying “I’m sorry if you were upset that I got a boyfriend.” I know that you are far too intelligent to truly think I stopped being your friend because you got a boyfriend. We’re not in second grade. Besides, there were plenty of almost boyfriends, hook ups, one night stands, and friends with benefits you engaged in during our friendship. I didn’t stop being your friend then. I only wanted you to be safe and happy. In fact, I didn’t stop being your friend when you tried to start a relationship with my brother-in-law and hid it from me. I didn’t even pressure you for details and let you talk to me about it when you were ready.

But ultimately it boils down to one thing.

I don’t deserve to be surrounded by people who would treat me the way you did. I deserve to have people who truly care about me, unconditionally. Not people who only care about me until something better comes along. I don’t want a friend who would trade me in for a guy she knew for four days, because I deserve better.

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My face when my husband decides to “cook” literally the minute I get done cleaning the kitchen.....

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“Those” Women

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be one of “those” women?  You know the ones.  Those women whose husbands cheat on them?  Those women who other women, other girls, other people look at and instantly try to defend or blame because they have a small piece of information about an entire relationship? No one has empathy for “those” women.  No one grows up planning on becoming one of “those” women.  

In fact, it’s just the opposite.  We grow up being told stories about male saviors we know almost nothing about and lasting, magical, faithful relationships. We’re not taught how to choose our partners.  We are taught about all the things that will make us undesirable to a potential partner.  We are made to feel like we must fit into the narratives, stereotypes, and societal norms which say to us that despite being an individual, we must conform.  We aren’t encouraged to pursue fulfilling lives for ourselves or wait until we’ve figure out who we are and what we truly value, believe, and hold dear to partner off.  We aren’t taught that a marriage should be an equal partnership and we shouldn’t have to just accept that “men will be men” and “you’d better just get used to it.”  We aren’t told that although it takes two people to work at a relationship, we aren’t responsible for the decisions and the actions of our partners no matter how much we work, how much we’re paid, how much weight we’ve gained since the wedding, or how much effort we’re putting into our appearances. What’s worse is that “those” women often have it much easier than others because their relationships are not defining an entire sexual orientation. 

I never planned to become one of “those” women.  I never imagined myself opening my husband’s phone and then later his email only to find conversations with hundreds of women who he had been having relationships with.  I had friends growing up whose parents went through divorces after their fathers cheated.  I always knew that wouldn’t be me.  

I knew it wouldn’t be me because I wouldn’t let it be me.  I knew that I would leave any partner at the first sign of infidelity or mistrust.  I would never be played for a fool.  I would never be one of “those” women.  

But it’s never as simple as you imagine it to be.  It’s never as clear cut or recognizable when you aren’t on the outside with your magnifying glass and gavel ready to dish out a ruling.  It starts out with something small.  He likes a picture of another girl, maybe an ex-girlfriend.  He friends an old classmate from high school.  Reading this right now, you know the outcome, so it’s easy to say “Mmm Mmm. No way. Not okay.” 

But when you’re in a newly forming relationship and you’re not supposed to be overly controlling or insecure, it’s easy to feel conflicted.  You’re supposed to be okay with your partner having opposite sex friends, because if you’re not, then the rest of the world knows you don’t trust them, judgment is passed, and your relationship has little hope of surviving anyways.  And you can’t be one of ”those” girls.  

Then maybe he starts receiving texts from another girl.  But she’s just a friend, and besides, his mother (or someone else) reminds you that you have no right to tell her son he can’t talk to female friends because you have male friends.  You don’t want to have a double standard right?  Plus it’s been a while since the last time something like this happened so you can’t keep rehashing old issues, that’s how you ruin relationships.  And you can’t be one of “those” girls. 

Pornography.  Every male looks at it right?  Maybe you don’t believe in pornography for ethical or religious reasons, or maybe you just feel uncomfortable with the idea of your partner having sexual thoughts about other people.  Or maybe you used to not care at all, but now pornography is just another way your partner pushes the limits of what is acceptable and what is not in a relationship.  But how stupid is it when people don’t want their partners to use porn? It’s not that big of a deal.  And you can’t be one of “those” girls.  

More time passes and more things happen, but each time you’re made to feel that you’re overreacting.  Plus, he doesn’t think it’s cheating.  Maybe there hasn’t even been a physical sexual relationship.  Just sharing of photos, sexual conversations, and emotional dependence.  It’s just an internet relationship. Why are you so upset?  You can’t be one of “those” girls.  

But all along, you had a gut feeling, you had your intuition.  Your intuition told you all along that it wasn’t right.  Something wasn’t right.  But you couldn’t be one of “those” girls.  

So all you have now is a label, wife.  His wife.  And you have a family full of beliefs and values.  You can’t give up on your marriage.  Have you even tried?  You can’t be one of “those” women  

But you are.  You are one of “those” women.  Maybe you tried for several months to mend the relationship.  Maybe you went to therapy or saw a relationship coach.  But relationships only work when there are two people who are actively trying to strengthen them.  

You aren’t responsible for your partner’s lack of trying.  You aren’t responsible for the hurt they have caused you.  You aren’t responsible for the hesitancy you feel when you’re around them.  And you aren’t responsible for putting everyone else’s feelings above your own.  You are one of “those” women.  

You will have to listen to family members tell you how they always knew there was something off with your relationship.  You will feel like you have to convince your closest friends that your husband would do something like this, because you have done such an amazing job covering up just how hurt you have been for the last several years.  You will feel the overwhelming urge, and sometimes you’ll lose to that urge, to stick up for your husband.  After all, he has been your best friend for several years and even though you’re not sure why, you do still love him.  And you do love him, except for when you hate him.  

You will have to stand alone in Christmas pictures and go to company gatherings by yourself.  You will doubt yourself and your decision to end the relationship.  You will be angry that you did not make the decision sooner.  You will have to suffer through the faces people make when you tell them about sings you didn’t recognize were there before.  You will have to agonize over the question others will ask about “why you even married him in the first place?” You will feel guilty for putting yourself first and for putting your own needs above others’ needs. 

You are one of “those” women. But you can chose not to be.  You can chose yourself.  You can chose happiness.  And you can chose your future.  You can chose to be one of “those” women.

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If you have ever wondered what grad school is like........