Thought Log

I made this at the request of my dear friend in order to chronicle my thoughts and feelings during a stressful time.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Thought Log- Day 3

I write this quickly aass my roommate is saying goodbye to his mother downstairs. Today has been a very good day--I was finally able to get to college and get all of the struff unpackeed in my room. My roommates are both increiidbly nice people and I am incredibly fortunate to be able to say they are a lot like me. I am still finding it hard to talk to other opeople though as I do not feel comfortable butting in on connversations. I will get better soon though, and when the time comes i will be able to make plenty of friends, whether it  be at parties or in the classroom--wherever. Well, my roomates will be back soon, so until next time, ciao

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Thought Log-Day 2

Heh, so much for my name, right? I suppose this will not be a daily thing, but rather just when I am in the mood to provide more information on here.

Today, I went with my mother to help her in her classroom--as I have done for the past week or so. Her kids are all adorable and make me pretty happy, which I desperately needed today. My mind was foggy with thoughts of regret over Lauren and when that happens there is not much that will make me happy. I like working with kids because its always funny seeing how they think and act.

Sadly though, now I am back at my house. I am desperately waiting for this weekend, as that is when I will finally leave for college! I don’t have that much time left in this shitty town, so I am beginning to get excited.

I really miss Enoch, but I plan on visiting him in the near future! I recently became aware of the fact that my school is going to repay me hundreds of dollars sometime during the first week of classes, and I will begin putting some money away each month until I can afford to visit him.

I started talking to Scott from time to time to shoot the breeze, as he is dealing with some minor depression and homesickness. I plan on going with him up to Oregon next summer to go hiking because we are both huge nature buffs and have been on backpacking trips for most of our lives.

Well, I guess that is all for today. Ciao, for now.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Thought Log-Day 1

I started off today mostly worried about having to interact with Harrison, but I decided to watch my favorite Pokémon YouTuber, Marriland in his Fire Red and Leaf Green Sleeplocke versus Sephazon. After everything went down with Harrison though, I came here and began typing away on the prologue to my thought logs to come. Anyway, I am done with the prologue and here I am on my first thought log!

I am a little worried that Lauren will hate me now that I ended my friendship with Harrison, but I am sure it will blow over in about a week with her. Either that or it won’t and she’ll finally be out of my life for good. Enoch is insisting that I should find the road to forgiveness and apologize to Harrison, but I think that is the worst choice I could make. Anyway, I have decided not to get high tonight, despite all the stress Harrison has caused me. If another stressful life event occurs in the next couple days, I probably will though, which means I need to make a friend to get high with fast. I don’t feel bad over losing Harrison’s friendship because he walked out on me.

I talked to Scott after dinner and he told me I should get high and walk around the local college. I would be doing that right now, but I wouldn’t have anyone to do it with. The ultimate dilemma--enough weed to satisfy me for many months, and no one to share it with. Of course, I could also just get high and watch One Punch Man... It’s too bad I ate so late. Oh, edibles tend to work best on an empty stomach, so I’d have to wait until about 11 pm to take one and I’m afraid I’ll pass out and miss out on a good time.

Enoch is telling me to watch YouTube videos on picking vegetables. I did mention he had an abstract mind, right? We tend to talk about the weirdest things.

I am glad Enoch got me started on this daily thought log. It has helped me with all my feelings of anxiety and depression, as well as the intense anger I felt after my interaction with Harrison today. Even while 3,000 miles away, he is still one of the best friends I could ever ask for.

Welp, that about wraps up Daily Thought Log number 1! Here’s to many more!

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Lauren

Ah, Lauren. She has been subtly alluded to the entire time, but have you guessed who she is yet? She is the love of my life. Or, rather, she was. She is the reason I never asked out Taylor, and the reason I want to find love again. I’ve known Lauren since fourth grade and I have loved her ever since. I don’t want to talk about her too much though, because it makes me sad thinking about it. She will come up in future thought logs though, of that you can be sure.

Lauren has broken my heart countless times over the past four years, but I have just recently given up on her. I went to Peru with her, which caused me to miss out on being with Kiana, and the last time I saw her was in Portland, Oregon, where we saw the eclipse together with the rest of her family.

Lauren took my virginity from me. I’d do anything to take back that day, but I can’t.  C'est la vie...

If it weren’t for Lauren, I would probably be happily dating any number of girls right now, whether it be Taylor, or another girl who shall remain nameless because she is no longer in my life and does not need a place in these thought logs. To clarify: It is not that I am uncomfortable talking about her, but she simply does not hold any relevance in the coming weeks.

Anyway, I loved Lauren for nearly ten years until I finally had to give up. I miss her.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Ian, Kiana, and Lindsey

Okay, to get this whole bout of drama started I need to lay down a relationship chart.

Ian and Lindsey have been a thing for years now. Lindsey loves Ian, but Ian refuses to reciprocate. This is merely circumstantial, however, because right now Ian is dating Kiana. Otherwise, Ian would readily admit that he loves Lindsey. Where am I included in all this? Well, lemme go back about a year in time. 

Ian is a rather close friend of mine, but my opposite in regards to politics. He invited me to a church camp last summer and it was there that I met Kiana, who I instantly had feelings for. At the time, Ian was crazy for Lindsey, so I felt okay talking to him about my feelings for Kiana. He encouraged me to pursue these feelings, so I tried to, but I had to wait for church camp this year.

Over the course of this last year, Ian and Lindsey had a lot of drama going on, with both “I love you” and “I hate you” being tossed around rather frequently. I got closer to Kiana, until I had some drama in real life and we lost contact for a bit. I later found out that I would be unable to go to camp this year because I would be in Peru, with Lauren, another friend of mine...

Once I got back from Peru, I decided to hang out with Ian who quickly informed me he was dating Kiana. I felt bummed and said, “Man, if I had been at camp this year things would be going so differently right now!” I didn’t know it at the time, but I wasn’t the only one who thought so. 

Now, we are back to my birthday, with Lindsey, right after Taylor’s cousin took her home. I was in Wal-Mart with her and Taylor’s friends and we were talking about Ian. She told me she was devastated over Ian, that she had loved him and was sad that he was with Kiana. She explained to me that things may have gone differently had I been at camp, because I would have been talking to Kiana and Ian would have been talking to Lindsey. This was not the case though. I had been in Peru with Lauren. My choice to go to Peru had not only affected my romantic life, but the lives of three of my friends as well. 

Ian is a good friend of mine, but I am unsure how he will feel about me after tomorrow. Kiana and I were good friends, but neither of us have attempted to contact the other since she started dating Ian. I am making a gamble with Lindsey tomorrow at church, but we will see then how things go. Girls are weird. I hope Ian is still friends with me after tomorrow.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Eli

Alright, we’ve made it to Eli! Although he is my best friend, there’s not much to say about him in regards to the next couple weeks and last month. Eli is significantly shorter than me, but is about a week older than me and we have always joked about that. Eli sort of invited himself to my birthday plans (playing pool with Taylor and her friends) but I was okay with that. He thought Taylor was being dumb, but joked around with me as I was slowly getting high. We played a couple games of pool, but as my high slowly turned into a bad depression, he took me to get a burrito from a taco truck and that made me feel better. We then waited at a Cold Stone for Lindsey, Taylor, and Taylor’s friends to show up. I’ll tell you about Lindsey and all the drama with her next time. Eli continued to hang out with me and mess with my head while I was high which eventually made me feel much better. He did end up going home early though, which left me with Lindsey, Taylor, and her friends. Eli has always been a great friend, and I am sad to see him go with college coming around soon.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Taylor

As a quick preparation for the next couple introductions, I do have to tell you all about Taylor. I met Taylor in my junior year when she was a freshman and I had a bit of a crush on her the entire year, but didn’t ever act on it. Why? Well, that will be explained in due time. Anyway, Taylor and I remained good friends for the rest of the year, but lost contact in my senior year. During that time, she did a lot of dating while I was being a fuckwit, but that is another story for another time. We ended up hanging out again on my birthday, along with my best friend of fifteen years, Eli, who I will talk about next time. Before anyone else showed up though, I revealed that I had feelings for her, which she quickly laid to rest. After I ate an edible and proceeded to get high out of my mind for the next six hours, Taylor got drunk. She then turned into an annoying, emotionally whoring little girl for the next hour and a half. She had no self control and proceeded to beg one of her friends to make out with her. (He eventually did.) I suppose I should explain now why Taylor got drunk. It would be rather unfair otherwise. After all, I honestly wasn’t bitter over her... rejection? I didn’t ask her out so much as I told her I had feelings for her, so I wasn’t too broken up over it. Anyway, Taylor had recently been cheated on by the love of her life and she was attempting to feel better by getting drunk and clinging onto the nearest guy. So, when I say she was being an immature little girl, she was. At the time, I was too high to realize it, but I was really sad that she had ruined my birthday more than it already was. Her begging for a guy made me feel sad because I felt so alone and being high only amplified this. Eventually, she got her kiss which angered her cousin who drove Taylor away. We all didn’t realize that Taylor’s cousin was our ride home until later. There is more to say about my birthday, but Taylor’s story ends here.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Mark and Simon

I decided I would tell you about my few remaining friends another time, in order to talk to you about my soon-to-be roommates, Mark and Simon. I met Mark at orientation for college and we instantly had an affinity for one another, initially being sparked due to our shared, yet rather obscure, major. (Yes, it is in the field of mathematics, but it is a rather specific choice that not many people consider. It’s for data analysis and the stock market and stuff. Don’t judge me.) Mark and I proceeded to hang out a ton over the next two days and we eventually decided to be roommates together, with Mark including his previous choice Simon to make a triple-person dorm. We recently received our rooming assignments and are rather excited to spend the next year with someone we already know. I don’t know the two of them incredibly well yet, but I know that I will be including them in future thought logs as I chronicle my time in college. Oh, one more thing, the three of us ended up in the party dorm, so that will make for a nice transition to college. :)

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Scott

Oh boy. If you’re still with me after all that crap with Harrison, I applaud you. I need to take a bit of a break from the drama, so I guess I’ll tell you all about my good friend Scott. I’ve known of him since I was in junior high, but I had never actually interacted with him until sophomore year when he taunted me over something in English; I was never really popular until junior year, which is also when we became acquaintances. If you’ll recall the campaign my friend Enoch and I ran for treasurer that year, there was one detail I left out initially. We ran a communist platform. Some people loved it and others hated it--Scott loved it. He and his friend were in my history class that year and announced their support for me. I started talking to him a little bit more after that, but it wasn’t until the end of senior year that I started talking to him frequently. It was then that I learned he was a bit of a pothead, but I thought--and think--that’s okay. Over the first half of summer I lost contact with Scott and continued hanging out with my friends I had known for longer. Once that friend group ousted me though, I turned to Scott. I had had a meltdown the night my friends turned on me, so I called him up and he agreed to hang out with me the next day. We both got pretty high using his very nice, $200 vaporizer and I realized that he was my only true friend left in my town. Sure, it felt a little bit at the time that I was just using him for weed, but I knew that there was something more than just that. We started hanging out a lot more, and right before he left for college he decided he was going to quit smoking for a while. He gifted his vaporizer to me and bought me $40 worth of edibles. (I believed I mentioned earlier how I have enough weed to last me until the end of February.) Scott and I continued hanging out frequently until he left for college. At that point, I realized just how alone I was. I had a ton of weed, but no one to get high with. It’s only been about a week since Scott left, and I feel so very alone. I do have a few friends left here in town. Maybe I will talk to you about them next.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Harrison

Harrison was my closest friend until he turned his back on me a few weeks ago. See, I only recently got into using marijuana as a bit of a coping mechanism, which for some odd reason seemed to really irritate Harrison. In order to fully and properly present my theory as to why he had such a sudden change of heart, I will have to describe our relationship as it has developed over the past two years. In junior year, Harrison had some serious problems with his mother--constant groundings, threats to call the cops, and even accusations of drug abuse. He had never touched a single drug before, but as if to protest his mother unfairly punishing him, he turned to drugs. He eventually got a hold of adderall and would show up to school high in order to focus, This caused him to lose some of his friends, but I stuck with him because I knew he was going through a tough time. His usage of adderall eventually turned into an addiction that I am still not aware of how he got rid of. He was never caught by his mother, but I believe that is because he moved in with his father soon after. He was finally free to do as he wished, so he started using marijuana heavily with some of our friends. 

Fast forward to the end of our senior year and we are on our way to our first party--Senior Sunset--when his car breaks down. He, of course, has to stay with it and was expecting me to stay with him and miss the party completely. Let me clarify even further: he was expecting me to get picked up by our friend and taken home. I did not want to miss out on the party though, so I left with the rest of his friends and he got his car picked up shortly thereafter. I believe he was frustrated that he missed out on the party and wanted to keep me from having fun too. However, I had never done anything like that before, so I did not want him to hold me back. I loved the guy, but he wasn’t able to accept that I could have fun without him. If the roles were reversed, I’d have been bummed out, but I wouldn’t have resented the guy. Eventually, he got over it though because he’s a guy and didn’t want to hold a grudge, whatever.

Now, we get to the middle of the summer. I have just bought enough weed to last me for six months with my buddy John, who I will talk about later. I was having a pretty bad and depressing high when I get a text from Harrison saying that he can’t hang out with me if I am getting high. Horrible timing. I tell him that this is what is helping me be happy right now, and he doesn’t respond. A few weeks later I text him telling him that I miss him, and he doesn’t respond again. Then my birthday rolled around and he didn’t say anything and I later find out he removed me on Snapchat. Remembering that he has a book that is very important to me, I call him and demand to get it back, which prompts him to demand that I pay him money I do not owe him. I swallow my pride and accept. About ten minutes ago he showed up at my house and refused to give me the book until I paid him. I threw the money on the ground and he threw my book across my yard. He pushed me and I pushed back and he ended up on the ground, knocking over a bucket of water all over himself. He then walked away. I believe that is the last time I will ever see him. I think I will get high some time soon.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Family members

Father

Oh, my father. The one link I have to my sister Wendy. I’ll try to keep this short. He gave me his anger and his drinking habits--both excessive. He abused my mother for ten years--she found out he was cheating on her while pregnant with me--until the rather violent separation where he threw a table with a lot of glassware on it at her and snapped her phone in half. I, of course, forgave him of all this as a naïve child. It wasn’t really until my senior year of high school that he started letting me down. “Oh, sorry I couldn’t make it to your final choir concert.” “Ooh, were you getting your eight year plaque for choir today?” “Oh, sorry for missing your graduation.” “When is your grad party? Oh shoot, I’m sorry son.” Need I even mention the countless fruitless phone calls? My father sucks. I’m just glad that I have him as an example of what not to be as I grow up. I’m also glad I did not get his sex drive, as he has been with far more women than I ever want to know. I wonder when he’ll ever decide he wants to see me again.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Family members

Gary

Oh, Gary. Gary is my mother’s remarried husband who has stolen over $500 worth of technology from me, along with who knows how much from the rest of my family. Despite all this, Gary tries his best and as much as it repulses me to say it, I owe a lot to him. Gary helped my mom realize what love is again, after she ended an absurdly long and abusive relationship with my father. He also provided me with a really nice bike, microwave, and mini fridge as I head off to college. He has a lot of flaws, but that is a result of his horrible father--he asked Gary when he was 5 years old whether he wanted a father or a friend, and when Gary said friend, his father left the next day--and rough upbringing. That is the one thing Gary, my father, and I have in common--shitty fathers.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Family members

Sisters

To recap, I’ve got four sisters: Sandra, Natalie, Cassidy, and Wendy. 

Sandra

Sandra is about a year older than me and she has had the worst medical luck I have ever heard of. When she was born, she came out blue from a lack of oxygen and barely survived. She was tested for autism spectrum disorder, but luckily she did not have it, and was unable to speak with clarity until she was four. (She spoke like Blue from Blue’s Clues until then and Wendy had to translate for her.) Throughout elementary school, she was the victim of widespread bullying--people in her class said she had “Sandra germs” which was basically cooties for a specific person--and it carried on into junior high until she was diagnosed with cancer. It started with a cough in seventh grade and ended with a grapefruit-sized, malignant (cancerous) tumor being removed from her chest. The massive surgery damaged her right vocal chord and has left her with 60% vocal capacity ever since. During her seven-month battle, many of her “friends” came to me to express solidarity and crap. Also during her battle, Sandra was diagnosed with pneumonia, which thankfully got destroyed quickly by all the antibiotics being pumped through her system. Sandra still deals with bullying in college, but she is able to deal with it like a pro. She’s honestly one of the coolest people you’ll ever meet, if you get to know her. Sandra is definitely one of the strongest people I have ever met.

Natalie

Natalie is my younger sister and she is mostly worried about what things will be like when I am off at college, as we have never been apart for longer than about a week and a half before. She cries frequently about that, but I know she will be okay eventually. She has to. She is really funny and was my only friend when Sandra was battling cancer, as my mother and Wendy were at the hospital with Sandra.

Cassidy

Cassidy is about the same age as Natalie and is really good friends with her. She was adopted into our family about a year ago and I wouldn’t call her anything but my sister now.

Wendy

I worry about Wendy every day, because I know her boyfriend is exposing her to drugs with horrible side effects that she can’t understand while also stealing money from her. She was my closest friend until she ran away--I told her everything--and then she left without even saying good bye. She tries to contact me on Snapchat and Facebook every once in a while, but it is too hard to maintain a conversation with her. I hope that, one day, she comes back to our family and is able to get the help she needs. In order to do that though, she would have to face my mother’s husband, Gary.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Family members

Although I love my family, there isn’t much to say about them in regards to my struggles over the past month or so--excluding my mother, of course.

Mother

So, my mother is a rather loving person when it comes to her children; however, she fails to understand the struggles we deal with. For me, she refuses to take me in to see a doctor and be diagnosed with anxiety and depression. For my sister Sandra, she refuses to take her in to restore her vocal capacity. (More on that later.) All of my sisters, except Cassidy, and my father have a rare genetic disease known as Neurofibromatosis, which basically causes tumors to grow all over their bodies and inhibits their ability to learn. Anyway, back to my mother and her lack of understanding. Natalie has a plexiform neurofibroma--a bunch of tumors in one spot--in her right shoulder and has chronic pain on her right side frequently, but my mother has yet to take her to see a specialist in order to ameliorate the issue. Sandra was diagnosed with cancer about five years ago (if you click on the NF link, you should see how rare it is for it to cause cancer). My last sister, Wendy, ended up running away with her drug addict of a boyfriend in order to get away from my mother. Wendy suffers the most from NF and has an IQ of about 60 or 70 because of it; however, her social skills make it hard to tell that she suffers in such a way.

Allow me to further clarify my relationships with my sisters, as I have failed to do so until now. Sandra and Natalie are my only full-blooded sisters. Wendy and I share the same father, but not the same mother. Cassidy was a good friend of my sister Natalie and we adopted her last year to help her get away from her horrible adoptive family. 

The above explanation was needed to properly explain a horrible comment my mother made to me years ago, tears streaming down her face. As I said, the only siblings I have who share the same biological mother are Natalie and Sandra. When I was in eighth grade, I nearly committed suicide and my mother was scared to death by this. The next morning she talked to me and I don’t recall much of the conversation until she said to me,” You can’t kill yourself because... you’re my only kid that came out right.” I was frozen. How could she say that? I shook it off though; I do that a lot.

Anyway, to sum it up shortly, my mother is pretty horrible at making sure my sisters and I get all the help we so desperately need. She doesn’t want to acknowledge that she doesn’t have her life together and, consequently, my siblings and I go without much needed help, medical or otherwise.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Enoch

To start, I’d like to tell you all about the friend who pushed me to start this thought log--Enoch.

I’ve known Enoch since the end of eighth grade, when our mutual friend introduced us to each other. In his words to me, Enoch “usually takes a long time to warm up to people, but for certain (few) people it happens instantly; you are one of said people.” In our four years at high school, Enoch helped me run a campaign for ASB treasurer when we were juniors that swept through the school and ultimately rendered me the most well-known student on campus. We also talked a lot about communism, as he introduced me to the philosophy, and played a lot of Uno. Enoch is one of the most intelligent and abstract-minded people I have ever had the pleasure to meet, and with his incredible mind he ended up at a fantastic school on the east coast... 3,000 miles away from me... However, despite the incredible distance and drastic time zone difference, he has managed to maintain communication with me. He does this because he knows I struggle with loneliness and depression, frequently reminding me that, despite having my closest friends far away from me and in college, I am “an awesome person with people who care about [me] sprinkled around everywhere.” Enoch has also helped me for the past year as I have had to deal with a lack of maternal support for my depression and anxiety, even offering to take me to a doctor and pay for the visit himself, as my mother does not consider getting me insurance a priority. He is an absolutely amazing friend and I don’t know where I would be today without him.

[dailythoughtlog-blog]

Prologue, I guess

So, my friend suggested I write all my thoughts on paper as a sort of coping mechanism for the next few weeks.

Why? Well, to explain that I'll need to tell you a bit about myself.

I live in the conservative armpit of one of the most liberal states in the USA. There's nothing to do here and the people are horrible. It sucks for even your average teen, but even more so for me, being a communist and all.

I just turned 18 recently and I celebrated my birthday party with my best friend of 15 years and some people I don't really know or particularly care for. It was okay though because I was high the entire time, which brings me to my next point:

I really like weed. Like a lot. You'll probably learn more about that if you keep reading.

My favorite game is Pokémon and my favorite anime are One Punch Man and Dragon Ball Z, but that won’t come up too much.

I'm an asexual male and a hopeless romantic just trying to understand what it means to love again.

Most of my friends left for college a month ago. I don't leave for another month, which just leaves me here as a lonely, sad boy with very few people who I can tolerate interacting with and even fewer friends.

When I do finally leave for college, I will be a mathematics major. Math is my passion after all. I've participated in numerous math competitions since fifth grade and managed to place highly in each one. 

I struggle with depression and severe anxiety, but have yet to receive a formal diagnosis because my mother is reluctant to take her "good child" to see a doctor for such ridiculous things.

So, that's about all there is to know about me. I guess next I'll let you know more about my friends and family.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention.

I'm a pathological liar.

Have fun reading. :)