So I need to get this out, even if no one sees or reads this. For six years, I struggled to eat. My body physically couldn’t do it. I had six surgeries and scars all up and down my abdomen from them, which I’m actually totally okay with, I posted a pic below. At my sickest I weighed 115 lbs at 5’8. I was a skeleton, which I posted a pic of, with the canula. I remember the day I stopped walking, paused, and realized “oh my gosh. I have a thigh gap.” And that made me so unhappy. I became what “everyone wanted”. Skinny, thigh gap, pretty face, and despite being “gorgeous”, I was absolutely miserable and in extreme pain every day, every meal. I got a feeding tube soon afterward which hurt every second I had it in me.
On November 26th of last year, I had an auto-kidney transplant which was the final key to making me able to eat (that’s the pic of me with fabulous hair in a hospital bed). Now I weigh 155 lbs and it’s a mixed bag. I’m so happy that I have fat now, I’m finally healthy and I can EAT, which I still marvel at; I even get happy at being hungry cause I know it’s not gonna hurt eating, but social media makes me feel like I’m this huge whale. Sure I’m pretty, but oh boy hun your waistline. A size ten? Excuse me, not okay. I notice every pound I gain, cause I was so skinny for so long. I use to call my ribs my personal xylophones as a way to try and stay positive and funny, which I did.
I recognize that this is an issue and I’m trying to alter my mindset with my body and body image. The @taylorswift Miss Americana actually really helped me start seeing my body as good, healthy. It’s gonna take time, lots of talking to other survivors of chronic illness and people with eating disorders, but it’s gonna be worth it. I know I can do it, I know I can accept my body for what it is. I can do this. I posted a picture of me now to show that I am okay. I am acceptable. So, thanks to everyone, and honestly thank you @taylorswift for helping me start accepting my body as it is. I’m learning to step into the daylight and let it go.
