🔪rebooted @damagedsmile💊

[damagedsmile-archive]

//Read below the cut if you’re interested in my attempting to make a comeback to J. I’d also appreciate a like just to show me who’s still active/interested in writing together.

So. I don’t even know where to begin. First, I’d like to say a big thank you to my friends on here who sent me messages of support when all this shit first went down, the ones who kept sending them here just to say they missed me (seriously, I teared up seeing them), & the people I talked to on/off in the first few weeks of leaving here. To those peeps, I’d also like to say a big, soppy sorry for suddenly going ghost & leaving you potentially worried about me. That was never my intention, I just got so overwhelmed by everything happening in my life. A lot of sad shit began to happen to me so I ghosted most of the world tbh.

In case you don’t remember, the whole reason things went south for me was my mother’s terminal cancer. It began in her bowel, only noticed by doctors during an operation unrelated to anything nasty, and it was already at Stage 5. Chemotherapy did nothing but slow down the rate it was spreading through her body & also make her sicker, to the point she just told chemo to fuck off. That was about two years ago.

She died last month in her sleep. She was mostly bedridden, in a lot of pain, & as the cancer began eating at her brain, her memories were all in a jumble. We had a lovely, small ceremony in which she was cremated while ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay blared.

Last year my older dog, Whookie, died unexpectedly after a surgery. Several of my rats died from old age in quick succession. My Nan died too after a long battle. A cousin in the UK was sent to prison for manslaughter. I fell out for a long time with a cousin here in Ireland.

Lotta shit.  I did warn you. Of course, my grieving for my mum is only kinda hitting me hard now but, without making this post too long, some good things have happened since as well. One of those things was being surprised with a new puppy I called Ptolemy but we call her MiMi for short. & more rats... more crazy, cuddly rats.

But I’m going to try come back here. It’ll be tough going, particularly since it’s changed a lot on here (help an old man out, I’m struggling with changing shit on my dash). But I want to distract & be creative again. I want to begin grieving so I can begin healing. So you might see me here & there in between tearing my hair out at editing stuff. I love you all & hope time has been kind to each of you. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Quick edit: I've archived this blog & began a new one which is currently still being set up, but please feel free to follow it @damagedsmile

[damagedsmile-archive]

'you are waiting for someone who is not coming back.'

rp sentence starters taken from rupi kaur’s work , the sun and her flowers.

Quick as a lightning strike, J’s face whipped around to glare, fixed with a venomous expression. His eyes sparkled deceivingly while his lips curled into a snarl; a stiff finger was then shoved in Loki’s direction so to punctuate the bitter anger that just spiked in J’s chest.

“Shut the FUCK up!” he ordered in a loud, throaty shout. “SHUT.UP. WhattaYOU know? - FUCK ALL, that’s what!”

He held that pose and expression for some moments before he sighed, a noise tinged with a growl, and turned away, hands running over his hair.

Did he need this right now? NO. He needed no reminder that Harley was gone - again - but that THIS time… it really didn’t look good. In fact, as J was a betting man, the likelihood of Harley coming back to him was 1,000,000 to 1. If Harley was a horse and he the sucker betting on her, he’d probably have filled his pockets with stones before even placing the bet.

“Y’know NOTHIN’ ‘bout our relationship, a’ight. How it works, all its… lil’ NUANCES. It’s a delicate an’ COMPLICATED affair… TOO complicated for anybody else t’understand.”

With pupils as sharp as pinpoints and adrenaline surging, J began pacing with hands fidgeting in front of him. Desperate for action. Desperate to know she was going to come back and everything would be okay again. Not a shred of regret swam in his veins, however; nope, he was not sorry for hurting her at all. He just wanted her back and that, ladies and gentlemen, was THAT.

[damagedsmile-archive]

“ never feel guilty for starting again. ”

rp sentence starters taken from rupi kaur’s work , the sun and her flowers.

He didn’t… not entirely. Perhaps KiKi could relate to that? It was a strange cocktail of guilt and pride that could never truly mix together and flow; but that was a common foundation in J’s psychology, wasn’t it, that no matter what he did, how old he became, or how hard he tried, he would never be able to wholly be at peace with himself or the reasons why he was this person. There would forever be a lingering piece - a speck, a dust mote, a crumb - that was not satisfied nor could forgive.

While this was all a fantastic driving force behind his whims and ambitions, J found it was also a blocker. It could drive him the way the whip drives the horse, but so too could it hamper his creativity and passions, blocking that pipe so nothing dripped freely.

“S’like… I don’t bu’… sometimes - yanno, when ya REFLECT? - ya gotta wonder if y’did it the right way. If… when ya reflect on it, the mirror o’ yer life is bearable t’look at.”

He paused, shaking his head with a giggle. “Who the fuck am I t’go on ‘bout what’s RIGHT, right? Bu’ yanno what I mean?

“If I hadn’t started again - t’put it MILDLY - an’ instead carried on, jus’ CHANGED my life… would shit get done? Think ‘bout it with me: I do what I do now an’ all that happens is I’m the BAD guy, the NASTY, NASTY man we should all LOCK AWAY. Bu’ if I’d gone int’POLITICS… well, I’m sure somethin’ would be fuckin’ done by now. Somethin’ would click ‘cuz people would listen t’me an’ jus’ DO what I fuckin’ say! I could be takin’ backhanders from Iraq for arms-dealin’ bu’ I’d be the GOOD guy.”

Another shake of his head before it bows, looking down now to fingers thoughtfully pulling at hangnails. He can’t describe it properly, but knows KiKi will understand the basis of his ramblings. 

[emotional-algebra]

She’s whiskey in a teacup.

Tom Waits (via emotional-algebra)

[thelovejournals]

Well, it’s either kiss me or kill me, that’s how I see it.

Tom Waits (via thelovejournals)

[phantomemes]

rp sentence starters taken from rupi kaur’s work , the sun and her flowers.

“ my heart cracked inside my body. ” “ no one is coming in and no one is getting out. ” “ i deserved someone who was willing to stay.” “ a dozen different thoughts tear through me each second. ” “ i envy the winds who still witness you. ” “ i could be anything in the world. ” “ but i wanted to be his. ” “ what does love look like? ” “ i realized how naive i have been. ” “ i’m about to get up and walk right out the door. ” “ you cannot walk in and out of me like a revolving door. ” “ you took the sun with you when you left. ” “ when you plunged the knife into me you also began bleeding. ” “ you will suffer the way you make me suffer. ” “ i think my body knew you would not stay. ” “ your absence is a missing limb. ” “ it must be hard to live with what ifs. ” “ how did we live through it and how are we still living? ” “ i can tell when you’re lying. ” “ the person i fell in love with was a mirage. ” “ i notice everything i do not have. ” “ i hardened under the last loss. ” “ all i dream is to soften. ” “ i barely feel like living. ” “ why are you so unkind to me? ” “ you are waiting for someone who is not coming back. ” “ i was the warmest place you knew. ” “ you turned me cold. ” “ the irony of loneliness is we all feel it at the same time. ” “ you must see no worth in yourself. ” “ worth is not something we transfer. ” “ growth is a process. ” “ your actions are not my responsibility. ” “ it’s okay to let others help pick up the pieces. ” “ i do not weep because i’m unhappy. ” “ i have everything and yet i am unhappy. ” “ nothing in this world was promised or belonged to you. ” “ all you own is yourself. ” “ you have already rotted. ” “ there is nothing left for me to do. ” “ what if nothing wants me because i do not want me? ” “ i am both the poison and the antidote. ” “ i have survived far too much to go quietly. ” “ my death will be grand. ” “ all i’ve ever known is pain. ” “ never feel guilty for starting again. ” “ i am the ghost of ghosts. ” “ there is god in you. ”  

[damagedsmile-archive]

There's one in every town And the Devil drives 'til the hearse arrives And you lay that pistol down

“Sweet Gene Vincent”, Ian Dury & the Blockheads

[damagedsmile-archive]

Acting as though he owns the place or at least in a way that suggests he’s been here before - who knows? Maybe he has, while the good Detective runs around catching bad guys - J shows no alarm or even care for her reaction. He lounges in the armchair, very much relaxed, and slowly clicks the remote control to set the TV on mute. That done, he greets Elouise with a bright smile.

“They kept ya workin’ late t’night, sweetheart,” he sweetly states. “Almost got me all WORRIED ‘boutcha.” The programmed - and misplaced - words of a partner or spouse whom waits all night to embrace their lover after a hard day at the office: was there a dinner awaiting her in the fridge? A glass of wine on standby?

He sniffs then, clearing his throat, and he sits back. “Movin’ up in the world, I see. Nice place... if yer int’the whole workin’ singleton vibe,” he comments with a streak of sarcasm, eyes slowly looking about the room. It was obvious he was going to milk this, avoid her questions, so to punish her for being so rude... despite him having broken in here.

[damagedsmile-archive]

He stumbles as he rises, a few times, until at last he finds his feet. He’s completely ignoring her hand near his shoulder, silently but firmly refusing help. A lion does not take help from the gazelles... particularly when they appear junkie-like & hang about in alleys in the rain. Best not invite that sort of person; they often come with conditions, needy little requirements.

 Slumping on the nearest wall for support, J gives a soft snigger from his throat in between the large gulps of air to - unsuccessfully - ward off the pain now gnawing and burrowing itself directly in to every inch of his nervous system.

“I ain’t gunna die! Takes more’n this t’bring me fuckin’ down,” he guffaws. He looks at her properly now, studying her, when he notices her bare feet, glowing so white against the wet concrete. A small frown crosses his features - what the fuck? - but the sight is shrugged off. It’s not his business & he really can’t be bothered to summon up any real concern.

Yet the offer of being patched up - though an affront to his ego - sounds good. After all, it wouldn’t be smart to wonder on homewards, bleeding all the while, on a near-empty stomach. He accepts he feels shaky, that that isn’t a result of the cold rain, and that he does need... assistance. That word is nearly bearable, but enough so that he can stomach it.

But first, shuffling along the wall so he stands semi-sheltered beneath a tattered cloth awning over a door, he lights up a cigarette and, exhaling dragon-like through flaring nostrils, he asks, “What’s yer name, Snow White?”

That’s RICH, coming from him.

[calmwitch-deactivated20170102]

*lifts weights so i can carry bigger dogs*

[sabinemorans]

@damagedsmile

[damagedsmile-archive]

//you are a precious bean for this lmfao!!!!

[damagedsmile-archive]

//New tatt under the cut alongside reasons

So, with all the bollocks going on in life with my mum’s health, I’ve had to deploy major coping mechanisms just to keep going with life & work etc etc. One of these has been listening almost non-stop to my Tankboy playlist, which is mostly filled with songs whose main theme is to keep fighting regardless of one’s current predicament (which obviously were selected in light of his own experiences/attitude, which differ from canon in places). Hence helping me cope.

& on a side note, without getting all preachey here, I think that’s maybe the most important thing to bear in mind when it comes to being placed in a depressing situation: self-care. Yes, the main concern ought to be supporting the person whom the shittiness is happening to (i.e. my mum, in this case), but it’s so easy to forget to look after yourself & develop ways to help yourself too. Personally, therapy does not benefit me at all, nor does medicating pain/problems (I have my own reasons for this based on actual experiences so don’t rag on me for something that’s basically subjective); so I literally depend on myself in these situations as my ‘primary care’ & secondly, on my loved ones whom I trust.

So anyway, the playlist has been a help to me this past while & on top of that, I’ve really been emotionally connecting with TB on the level of being someone who's experienced a loss in the family & as a soldier, in the sense that we’re all sort of soldiers fighting this war called life so to survive & find peace. For me anyway, I’ve always thought of myself in that way because of a) my rotten luck in life & b) my mental disorder, which - as I’m sure so many others can relate to - really makes like challenging on a nearly daily basis, nevermind when it comes to dealing with the news relating to my mum.

Hence, I present to you my newest tatt which is currently stinging like a bitch but so worth it & may it forever remind me to keep fighting this war, make jokes at the enemy’s expense, of the battles I have won & those I shall win in future

[damagedsmile-archive]

//oh here's me & mum's tatts more or less healed. Her first tatt at 52!! Shes already planning another one. Turns out dying makes you adventurous (we've taken to laughing about it now... you might say we laugh until we cry). Sooo we got this cuz my mum taught me the song when I was a toddler & we'd always sing it with/to eachother & it became "our song". I don't sing it to her anymore on account of being a full-grown baby now, but it's still ours. We've bought eachother countless home decor stuff with these two lines printed on them over the years for nostalgia. So in future when she's gone, I have a reminder of our good times branded on me. Fate has a sick, twisted soh though cuz that song is really sad in the second verse & really evokes what grief we'll be feeling when she's gone... & only my sick mind could make that connection amiright?

[damagedsmile-archive]

//Guess whose hand got pissed on today by a nervous bitch who really didn't want me blowdrying her arse? Yup, what fun. Funnily enough she didn't have an issue with me literally pulling dried-in poop from around her arse while in the bath... strange beastie.

In other news, my second tatt was cancelled & rebooked again, for tomorrow... if he cancels on me again (3 time's the charm) I'm just gunna take me & my arm elsewhere. BUT my Joker tatt is booked for August with another guy who's apparently reliable & hugely talented ☺

Sorry for being absent here but we've had a bit of a rush in work due to the heatwave so I've literally been exhausted every eve at home & my days off have been busy enough with trying to catch up on laundry/housework & portioning out time with furbabies/family/the Precious. BUT I plan to be online tomorrow eve if not Thursday.

[damagedsmile-archive]

//Okay so I couldn't get my tatts yesterday due to the tattooist having a family emergency but I'm getting them today instead (thank god it's my day off). Me & my mum already had the matching one done this morn & I'm waiting to get my second one this eve. Will post pics later if I'm not too wrecked since it's a busy day here. Also, am currently discussing my next tatt & hoping to be able to get in to do it before Xmas - it's going to be for Joker btw ☺ I'm just one of those peeps whom gets tatts that mean personal stuff, so yeah with these two today, I'll have a wee story behind them.

[damagedsmile-archive]

//Tiny update: I had a screamer. She screamed every time I touched her & ran my fingers through her hair. She struggled away from my fingers & nearly broke out of her restraints. I wouldn't let her go though til I was satisfied & finished. When she quietened, we had developed a trust & her golden eyes seemed to twinkle in silent gratitude.

I'm talking about a dog at work of course, ya filthy animal.

[damagedsmile-archive]

//Quick update: palm/finger are healing okay but swelling so they're extra sensative for the moment. Wonderful, right? I have to use just one hand for everything & that's really not fun or even possible when you're trying to groom a dog who's intent on eating your face or trying to strangle themselves. On the plus side of work today though we had a teacup Yorkie & a Maltese puppy in, so much squealing insued. Made me forget the crazy ones early in the day.

Also, remember that Ramsey Bolton quote when Myranda was killed? "She always smelled of dog" - pretty much me after work til showering 😅

Extra titbit: my mum scolded me for getting injured ("Why weren't you careful? Do you need stitches? How the fuck did the dog manage that?") out of pure worry... then she scolded me for not stealing the cute smaller dogs for her 😅

Hope everyone's had a good day!

[damagedsmile-archive]

//Work injury 😥 That white stuff is sudocreme but I literally have two semi-deep gashes there. Had to be sent home early... should've seen the crimson trail before the first aid kit was brought out *shudders* So typing on a keyboard is a big no-no rn cuz the pain is gnarly af. My entire hand feels like it's going to explode with the throbbing. Will be back as soon as I can move it properly again. Remember to stay focused & keep your head in the game is the lesson of the day here 💜