The Art of Living Beyond Surviving

Charlotte. She/Her. 30. Michigan. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

[writingwithcolor]

Hello! I have a scene planned for a webcomic where 3 of the characters dye their hair together. One is a black/Chinese girl, one is a Japanese demiboy, and the third is a white trans boy. But I've been hearing lately about how the "Asian girl with a dyed strip in her hair" is a bad trope, and I'm a little worried about this scene in particular now. The girl does dye a strip in her hair while the other two dye all their hair. They're just having fun as friends, but should I change her dye?

PSA: We won’t be covering Asian characters with colored hair questions anymore. They have already been answered in excess.

Asian Girl with Colored Hair Streak

It seems like people are misunderstanding the trope and why it’s controversial. There are plenty of Asian women who dye streaks in their hair in real life! Having an Asian girl character with a streak in her hair is not bad in and of itself, and that’s what “Asian girls with dyed streaks = bad” doesn’t get.  The question people should be asking is: “why is the trope bad?” In this case, the reason Asian girl characters with streaks in their hair are often looked negatively upon has to do with creators often using their hair as a shorthand for a wilder personality and not actively developing them as much as other characters. If your Black/Chinese character has a developed personality, the streaks are fine, because you’re not using her hair as a way to get out of creating her personality. 

So tl;dr: you don’t have to change the dye, there are actual Asian girls and women out there who do this! it is, however, important to research the trope and understand why there may be controversy with it, and to see if what you’re doing negates or reinforces it. 

Finally, as a general note: we have been getting quite a few questions on this trope. This is going to be the last time we address this, since I feel this answer basically covers it. 

--mod Jess 

[dancewmoonlight]

I’m so glad I stumbled upon this because I had no idea. I’m writing, and I based an ER doc in my story off a doctor I had, who happened to be an Asian woman with purple streaks in her hair.

[dancewmoonlight]

PSA

No one is faking a disability and leaching off the government.

[dancewmoonlight]

The Girl in the Corner - Chapter 8 (on Wattpad)             

After three months together and practically get bored in one another’s company, the summer was finally coming to an end. Mal held me in his arms to say his final goodbye, and for the first time, everything felt real. Much like the year before, reality didn’t hit when I packed my boxes. Last year, I had two distinct piles – storage or dorm. This year, I rummaged through my unpacked, stored boxes, and found nothing of value. Many of the springtime boxes remained taped and labeled, ready for return. At “home,” I hadn’t needed all those IKEA goods - a simple toolkit, desk lamp, and other dorm necessities. Purchasing books for my fall classes and messaging my new roommate hadn’t spurred recognition of reality. No, none of it was real until I was forced to say my final goodbye.

Read more:https://my.w.tt/6mmLJ9VtNbb

[dancewmoonlight]

The Girl in the Corner - Chapter 6 (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/DkPo5RcnNbb

After spending the school year training with the club gymnastics team at EMU, I was enthralled to finally re-enter the doors of my home gym. I had dropped in for a practice or two throughout the school year, typically on a Saturday morning or during a break, but never spent too much time there. Once the winter semester was finished, however, I knew I would have the entire summer to practice.

[dancewmoonlight]

The Girl in the Corner - Chapter 5 (on Wattpad)

The last Thursday of the school year, I walked into our dorm with my backpack on my shoulder, returning from my final in Gender Communication, knowing life would never be the same. The walls as bare as the day we entered reminded me of a blank slate, but I felt anything but. In September, I had entered that room shiny and new, mildly independent, socially awkward, and ready to start anew after over a decade in a small public school. More or less, I was a typical college freshman. We all were.

Read more: https://my.w.tt/1gIZjJ1mNbb

[dancewmoonlight]

The Girl in the Corner - Chapter 4

At seven years old, I had heard the cultural message about sex. To get anywhere in the world as I woman, I needed to be sexy. I recognized imperfections on my own body, claiming my thighs were disproportionately large compared to the rest of me and therefore worth my hatred. I knew the words for French-kissing, humping, and sex, even if I didn't fully comprehend the meaning.

 Read more: https://my.w.tt/9b1gls6lNbb

[dancewmoonlight]

What happens when everything you planned falls wayside? Charlotte Eulberg, a perfectionistic college student, faces that exact question when her boyfriend proposes, her body betrays her, and life's knowns drift away. Charlotte and Mal seem to be the perfect couple, the dream team all Charlotte's friends envy, and they're planning their forever together, but something doesn't feel quite right, especially when a small lump forms beneath the skin near Charlotte's collar bone. With everything falling apart, Charlotte must learn to pick up the pieces and make a plan for herself. CW: Emotional and sexual abuse, cancer, eating disorder, anxiety, depression

Two months remained in my freshman year. Two more months until summer when I could spend every waking moment by Mal’s side. Two more months until I’d have to say goodbye to the friends who had become more like family. Two more months  until I’d have to move into my dad’s new house and pretend the bedroom he’d left open for me was mine, like it held all the memories of childhood and family rather than a dozen cardboard boxes of everything I’d left behind.

Read more: my.w.tt/OswFfyylNbb

[dancewmoonlight]

The Girl in the Corner - Chapter 1 (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/MWw93DqcNbb Charlotte Eulberg has everything going for her. She's nineteen, engaged to the love of her life, and working through her first years in university. So, why does it feel like something's wrong? How, in one year, does her life flip upside down? Where will she go from here?

As the ring slipped off my finger, flashbacks echoed through my mind, allowing me to relive every memory and every moment as if the seconds had never passed. Some stories were working their way to seamless deaths while others simply continued unmarked and unchanged. Many plotlines grew and developed, but this chapter, this monumental chapter, was merely beginning. Every scent, every physical sensation, and every whisper spoke softly into my being. At that moment, I was no longer fighting the battles of daily life that had recently begun to surround me. Nor was I questioning the motives of those I believed loved me most. Instead, I was a young and innocent college student in my freshman year at Eastern Michigan University. Life was ahead of me and brilliant dreams were being dreamt. Every night was filled with wonder as I conversed online with the boy who made my heart flutter. For a year and a half, we had shared our lives, expressing the deepest sincerities possible between two people so young. The world was an adventure. Doors were opening, birds were chirping, and the flowers blooming. It was a beautiful, cliché-worthy day to be alive.

Read more: https://my.w.tt/MWw93DqcNbb

CW: Emotional and sexual abuse, cancer, eating disorder, anxiety, depression

[dancewmoonlight]

The Girl in the Corner - Preface (on Wattpad) https://my.w.tt/kaJ9IKbbNbb Charlotte Eulberg has everything going for her. She's nineteen, engaged to the love of her life, and working through her first years in university. So, why does it feel like something's wrong? How, in one year, does her life flip upside down? Where will she go from here?

CW: Emotional and sexual abuse, cancer, eating disorder, anxiety, depression

[dancewmoonlight]

Asexuality & Romantic Attraction

One question I see a lot from people who experience sexual attraction (allosexual) regarding asexual people concerns romantic attraction.* Basically, it goes a little like this: “Why do asexual people seek out relationships?” or “Isn’t a relationship without sex just a friendship?”

The basic answer is this: Romantic attraction exists outside of sexuality and is different from platonic attraction.

For allosexuals, sexual attraction and romantic attraction often go hand-in-hand. That is, a person they’d want to have sex with is also a person they’d want to have a relationship with. However, allosexuals might even find that statement erroneous. Not everyone they want to screw is someone they want to have a relationship with! Some people are fuckable but not relationship material. They may also feel the physical urge to have sex with a person, even if they’re in a committed romantic relationship with someone and would never act on that urge. This is the basic understanding of romantic attraction. It’s that difference between someone the body decides it wants to fuck and someone the heart decides it wants a relationship with.  

To understand romantic attraction, you may want to remember your first crushes. You probably hadn’t hit puberty yet and therefore, your brain (or genitals?) hadn’t started considering bangability. My first crush was in kindergarten, and I probably had a new one every year for a long while. Remembering your first crush, what was it you felt about them that made it different than how you felt about your friends? Why do you think of them as a “crush” and not just a friend? That person fascinated you in a way other people didn’t; you hung on every word they said. They made your mind go blank when you talked to them, or you confused all your words. Your heart raced in their presence and your hands got sweaty. You weren’t sexually or platonically attracted to them; you were romantically attracted to them. 

Later in life, as you find partners and maybe even marry, romantic attraction becomes even clearer. You don’t feel the butterflies in your stomach every time you talk to them, but you’re still drawn in. Sometimes, you just look at them and think, “Wow. I’m so lucky they chose me.” You can sit and watch them tinker away at their hobby, and a smile lights up your face as you think, “I love this person so much.” You’re excited when they call you, and you want to spend all your time by their side. In fact, you want to share your whole life with them - maybe even raise children, move states, file taxes, adopt animals, share finances... Only one person in the whole world makes you feel the way they do.** You love them the way you don’t love anyone else in your life, and you would do anything to make their life better. This is romantic attraction.

Like sexual orientation, most people feel romantic attraction toward a specific gender. Unless you identify as bi/pan-romantic, you’ve probably always been drawn to either men or women - even when you were a little kid uninterested in sex. Again, this is your romantic attraction. For many people, attractions align, so the label of “homosexual” or “pansexual” accurately portrays a romantic attraction as well. However, for others (e.g., asexuals, aromantics, and others), they don’t, leading to multi-dimensional labels, such as hetero-romantic asexual, meaning a person experiences romantic attraction for people of the opposite gender but does not experience sexual attraction. Aromantics and asexuals often use these multi-dimensional labels because they recognize the distinct differences between them due to a “lack” in one area. Allosexual people, too, may find their romantic and sexual attractions don’t align. For example, a person may feel sexual attraction toward all genders while only feeling romantic attraction to one gender. That is, they may see people of any gender and think, “I’d screw them,” while only wanting intimate relationships with people of a certain gender. This particular identity could be labeled as panromantic homosexual or panromantic heterosexual. Like sexual orientation, a person’s romantic orientation is unlikely to change. 

Although asexual people are often uninterested in sexual relationships***, many still want romantic relationships. Like other people, we often want to get married, have kids, buy a home, grow old together, blah, blah, blah. The only thing that changes is that when we look at people, we never think, “I want sex with them.”**** 

Signed, 

A ridiculously happily married asexual

*Of course, aromantic people exist. Aromanticism falls on a different scale than asexuality and refers to a lack of romantic attraction.

**Unless you’re polyamorous and then multiple people may make you feel this way, but the way they make you feel is still different than how you feel toward your friends.

***Some asexual people love having sex. Asexuality does not describe a person’s behavior. Similarly, a homosexual man may have sex with women because it feels nice or he wants children, but he’s still gay if he does not feel sexual attraction to women. 

****As a tried and true 30-year-old asexual, I still have trouble believing this is actually a thing. Like, for real? Y’all feel this way?

[redbeardace]

Since asexuality is rather unknown, it is subject to a lot of misinformation and ignorance. Many of these misconceptions can be offensive and hurtful. All of these are things that people have actu…

[dancewmoonlight]

Asexuality & Religion

Growing up, my asexuality was masked by my religion. 

As a devout Christian, sex became this sinful center of attention. I believed God created sex for people inside a marriage, and thus, it remained outside my personal worldview. 

I didn’t understand why other people struggled so much with sexuality, but I related it to other aspects of life in which people struggled: using appropriate language, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, slandering others, gossiping... I also abstained from using harsh language and treating people unkindly. I tried to represent Christ in every aspect of my life. My sexuality happened to be one aspect of this. 

In my relationships, my boyfriends always knew I was saving myself for marriage. As a woman, I always heard, “Guys want it more,” so it never surprised me my boyfriends pressured me. I pushed back, held strong on my beliefs.  I wanted to be strong in the spirit. Plus, it never felt hard. 

I remember so many fights about my sexuality with boyfriends - why I didn’t face the same temptations, why I wouldn’t let my morals slide. Like so much else, my faith dictated my actions. Jesus commanded I abstain from pre-marital intercourse, so I did; I felt no other convictions. 

But I also remember wondering what was wrong with me. I remember asking what would happen in my relationships if I had sex once and didn’t like it. I remember wishing I was more interested in my boyfriends physically - mostly because I didn’t want to hurt them emotionally. I remember believing I was like every other teenage girl who wasn’t honestly interested in sex - because that’s the narrative I heard.

I feared the day I married. I feared the night I’d lie in bed with my husband, and he’d engage me sexually. I didn’t want it, but I knew it would be my duty as a wife. Furthermore, I would be expected to bear children, which would be impossible without the aforementioned act. I longed for the permanence of a husband, a person who could help guide me toward Christ, but I could not imagine everything that went alongside it.

I didn’t recognize asexuality existed until the word appeared in my mind after a doctor told me, “You might never be able to have sex,” and I legitimately didn’t care. I grasped onto that figment of a word until I could research it later. 

Twenty-four years of Christianity preaching abstinence-only education and purity hid my identity from myself left me questioning my worth and understanding of the world. 

Religion and sexuality of all kinds can co-exist, but we need more recognition and acceptance of differences, so no one feels broken again.

[dancewmoonlight]

Asexual & Happily Married

But it didn’t come easy. 

It came after feeling broken. 

It came after being abandoned. 

It came after being sexually pressured (and even abused) by partners. 

It came after knowing what I wanted and needed in a partner.

It started with an asexual dating app. 

[theaceandaroadvocacyproject]

Ace Week Day 3!

Asexuality is a spectrum. While many aces experience absolutely zero sexual attraction or desire to have sex, that isn’t true for all aces.

Sometimes the imagery of an umbrella is also used to describe the wide range of experiences covered by the ace identity.

Gray-asexual is a label that describes relating to asexuality, but not feeling like it’s a perfect fit. It can also be an umbrella term for more specific labels.

The word demisexual describes someone who can only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond.

[theaceandaroadvocacyproject]

Ace Week Day 2!

Many ace people also identify with a romantic orientation that describes the gender(s) they are romantically attracted to or interested in.

Some examples of romantic orientation include:

Aromantic

Biromantic

Gay/Lesbian (aka homoromantic)

Heteroromantic

Panromantic

[asexualawarenessweek]

Ace Week 2019 is October 20th-26th

For those who don’t know, Ace Week is an annual celebration of the progress we’ve made as a community and a campaign for greater understanding of asexual-spectrum identities. You can participate in Ace Week by posting on social media or by attending an event put together by local aces.

The official tag for the week is #aceweek across all social media platforms. Below are the daily themes, each with suggestions for participating. 

Sunday, October 20th: Coming Out

Use this as an opportunity to come out as ace (if you are safe and comfortable doing so).

Talk about issues affecting aces when they come out.

Let people know that ace week has begun.

Use one of our Facebook profile frames (coming soon).

Post a picture of yourself showing ace pride.

Monday, October 21st: Relationships

Talk about issues affecting aces in relationships (any kind of relationship!).

Blog about a significant relationship you have with someone who is accepting of your asexuality.

Post a picture of you and someone who is supportive of your ace identity.

Tuesday, October 22nd: Gray-asexuality and demisexuality

Talk or post about issues facing gray-asexual and demisexual people.

For those who identify as gray-asexual or demisexual, discuss your experiences or post a picture of yourself.

Talk about media representation of gray-asexual and demisexual people.

Share posts made by gray-asexual and demisexual people.

Wednesday, October 23rd: Aces of Color

Talk or post about issues facing aces of color.

For those who are aces of color, discuss your experiences or post a picture of yourself.

Talk about media representation of aces of color.

Share posts made by aces of color.

Thursday, October 24th: LGBTQ+ Identities

Talk or post about issues facing aces who also have another LGBTQ+ identity.

For those who have another LGBTQ+ identity in addition to being ace, discuss your experiences or post a picture of yourself.

Talk about media representation of aces who also have another LGBTQ+ identity.

Share posts made by aces who have another LGBTQ+ identity.

Friday, October 25th: Disabled and Neurodivergent Aces

Talk or post about issues facing disabled and neurodivergent aces.

For those who are ace and disabled or neurodivergent, discuss your experiences or post a picture of yourself.

Talk about media representation of disabled and neurodivergent aces.

Share posts made by disabled and neurodivergent aces.

Saturday, October 26th: Community

Share something you love about an ace community you participate in.

Talk about the history of ace community organizing.

Talk about how ace communities have impacted your life, or the lives of ace people generally.

Write a blog post for this month’s Carnival of Aces.

Share a picture of you with another ace person (or a group of ace people!).

[bigfootrights-deactivated202107]

okay... i think about that post thats like "lgbt people arent really intersex allies" a lot because its really fucking true. i only recently found out i was intersex, and for context, ive identified as lgbt for at least 5 years. i always THOUGHT i knew about intersex people and was doing so good OwO but like... in reality a lot of lgbt people are just doing a very shallow performative allyship sort of thing. and not even on purpose sometimes (though sometimes yall just hate us!).

like, at the base level and more of a pet peeve thing is the lumping in of intersex with LGBT+. its talked about a lot and its a community issue of whether intersex people are lgbt or not, but lgbt people dont seem to grasp that. as an attempt to seem intersex friendly, as a default they sort of just lump us into things that literally have nothing to do with us. a good example is the different between the "#intersex" tag and the "#actually intersex" tag. actually intersex exists as a tag because the intersex tag is full of a lot of just... generalized posts that are directed towards LGBT+ experiences and most of the time dont even directly affect intersex people. its like spam, but its in there because people genuinely believe that lumping the two together is better by default. its not!

i think perisex lgbt people have to recognize that theres so, so much nuance to it. intersex does not exist inside of a bubble, and a lot of LGBT issues, ESPECIALLY trans issues, totally exclude intersex where it actually should be inserted. for instance, theres the whole tu/cute and tru/scum debate that seems to play entirely on the notion that intersex people just dont fucking exist! and this is the space in LGBT circles where a genuine knowledge and respect of intersex people would actually be applicable, unlike those generic LGBT posts that ive mentioned before.

i guess at the base level im just BEGGING perisex people to learn about us. learn about the variations of intersex people, how we feel, how we are. listen to us and learn and do better! learn about our struggles! it will only benefit you to see the relations and the differences!