No. She didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want it, not at all.
As pale fingers began to move through her hair rhythmically, an action well known to cause her relaxation, she laid there silently, eyes unreadable as unwelcome thoughts began to take over, things she would never voice to him. No, there were parts of her that he wouldn’t love, that he wouldn’t want to protect. The weak, scared parts of her that only appeared when everything else inside of her had already been broken. She could scream, fight, cry, even break, and still be the one that he loved, the one that had chosen to stay by his side… But what happened when all of that was torn away?
That night she had left with Kiyo, she killed as many as she could without affecting her speed while she fled. Each body that she caused to hit the ground was one less that he had to face himself, one less burden for him to carry… But she couldn’t do enough. While she thrived in violence and chaos, that night had been anything but enjoyable to her. The faces of those she had caused pain to were no longer strangers, but friends. The ones she killed no longer faceless pawns in a game she didn’t care for, but allies. But by the time she had reached this house, child still in her arms, she was certain she had been the one to die.
Because in the end, her one selfish thought was that if it were somehow possible to exchange her life for that of her family’s and their happiness and ability to live peacefully within the place she called home, she would have done so in an instant.
The part of her that she hated, the part that she didn’t want to present to him, was the part that was continuously reminded that she should have been the one to die that night. That if it hadn’t been for him, for Kiyo, then she gladly would have thrown her life away. She meant nothing, while they had meant everything. For them she would kill countless people she loved. She would suffer that night a million more times for those two.
But for herself, she would have died that night.
Fingers moving from his chest to gently caress his cheek, she met his eyes, a soft smile gracing her features as she leaned down to steal a soft kiss, unspoken words forgotten as she let out a breath she hadn’t been aware she had been holding.
“… I know you will. And when you do, Kiyo and I will have dinner ready for you when you get home. Nothing strikes up an appetite like a good, old fashioned massacre.” She mumbled, resting her forehead against his. “Save some for me, though.”
For herself, she wouldn’t do much of anything…
But for them, she would do anything and everything.
