[funny-tik-toks]

[vonnegutchild]

This is some of the best comedy delivery conceivable

[expiredmilkshake]

That's someone who knows their daughter. Love this.

[jamebaldwinfan]

The undiluted savagery from her mother is effortlessly world-weary /iconic 😂🙄🙊🤣

[theinturnetexplorer]

Actual Reasons Why People Were Dumped

[pavlovscorgi]

is this post secret

[mooserattler]

Reblog this picture of me holding a Family Size box of Honey Nut Cheerios? I’d really appreciate it.

[moonblossom]

How can I say no to such a great photo and such a polite request?

[allthelittlebeagles]

i will always support this post

[freshrosemary-deactivated202303]

@mooserattler back on my dash!

[jjflow]

Why isn’t this at a million notes, yet, Dante???

[mooserattler]

I’m not sure. Hey lovely people who have taken me over half way to a cool million! If you’d like to reblog again, I’d love that, if not, I still love you, and hope you’re having a great day. I’m gonna go do some stand up tonight.

[daftalchemist]

did I ever mention that I know someone whose family owned a zombie dog because that’s some real shit that I get to delight with at parties

[themintywitch]

Tell us that story?

[daftalchemist]

okay here is the story of the zombie dog

this dog’s name was John. they found him half drowned in a bag of puppies that were not so fortunate as he was, and was taken in immediately. he was a runt and not quite right (most likely from the whole half drowned thing), but a very loving dog. the problem with John was that he smelled like death, and no one knew why. vets couldn’t figure it out. it was obviously some kind of skin problem, but they had no idea what kind. all anyone knew was that if you touched him, you would smell like death too, so you couldn’t pet him, and that for some reason, the only thing that made the smell go away was being around other dogs. so they got another dog and the death smell stopped and John lived a very happy life

when he was getting old, maybe about 15 years, part of his skull caved in. just like that! suddenly had a huge dent in his head! and he was totally fine. didn’t notice it, didn’t affect him at all. just this massive dent right there in his head where his skull had collapsed in on his brain, and he was still the happiest and most loving dog. the skull cave in, for whatever reason, caused the ear on that side of his head to just fall off entirely, but again, perfectly happy dog who did not know he was down an ear and a fully formed skull. they took him to the vet, thinking maybe they should put him down. I mean, wouldn’t you think so? but the vet said that the dog was eating, and pooping, and happy, so there was no reason to put him down, so they didn’t

but that’s not even the weird part. the weird part is the area of the brain that got caved in on was apparently the area that registers pain, so this one-eared, collapsed skull dog could no longer feel any pain. he got old, his joints got stiff, his teeth rotted out of his head, his tongue hung out of his mouth and got black and hard, and he felt none of it! in fact, he was happier than he’d ever been feeling no pain, and the fact that he didn’t feel how much he was falling apart somehow made him live until he was 23. that’s right, the collapsed skull, one eared, zero teeth, smells like literal death when alone dog lived to be 23 years old. they used to joke that he’d been dead for years, but was too stupid to realize it yet

and that’s the story about the literal zombie dog my friend’s family owned

[votedami]

I want to be the house that my children’s friends want to come to, because despite whatever they’re facing at home, they’ll know they’ll find a second family with me and mine.

[iraffiruse]

[grawly]

who is that lol

[prixcum]

PEOPLE STILL LISTEN TO OWL CITY HAAAAAAAHA

[fingerblaster116-deactivated201]

someone obviously doesn’t get 1,000 hugs from 10,000 lightning bugs lmao

[dirtysexualthoughts]

I want to kiss you in a way that makes you not want to kiss anyone else ever again

[yupthatexists]

Handgun door knobs…. pull the trigger to open it.

[gifbro]

[shadowinkwarrior]

wait for it…

[underwater-peace]

Wot

[thecutestofthecute]

Ohh my god

[mammmals]

Woman’s voice: “Bring your tail over here! Bring it over here! Bring it over here!” [many people laughing]

@captioned-vines

[weloveshortvideos]

[iverbz]

I hate everything about this

[vaighx]

I FUCKING LOVE THIS

[z-raid]

Shark: Hey, that’s Phil- HONEY! PHIL’S ON TV!!

[dreams-of-japan]

[the-taintedtruth]

Marry someone who lets you have a bite of their brownie, even when you said you weren’t hungry. Marry someone who laughs at the same things you do. Marry someone who kisses your nose on a cold day. Marry someone who you can watch Disney movies with. Marry someone who is proud of you whether you earn £5 a week or £5,000 a week. Marry someone who you can tell everything to. Marry someone who isn’t afraid or embarrassed to hold your hand in public. Marry someone who lets you take over when decorating a cake. Marry someone who you can spend the day in Ikea with without feeling stressed. Marry someone who wraps you up inside their coat in the winter. Marry someone who accepts your fears and phobias. Marry someone who gives you butterflies every time you hear their key in the door. Marry someone who you don’t always have to shave your legs for. Marry someone who accepts you all day every day, even when you don’t look or feel your best. Marry someone who puts three sugars in your tea, despite telling them “just the two”. Marry someone who doesn’t judge you when you eat your body weight in cookies. Marry someone who doesn’t make you want to check your phone, because you know they will reply. Marry someone who waits with you to get on the train. Marry someone who understands that you need to be alone sometimes. Marry someone who gets on well with your parents and isn’t uptight about family events. Marry someone who calms you down when you get mad about stupid stuff, and never tells you it’s “only stupid stuff”. Marry someone who makes you want to be a better person. Marry someone who makes you laugh. Marry someone who you love. Marry your soulmate, your lover, your best friend.

(via bl-ossomed)

Good Vibes HERE

(via thelovenotebook)

  (via thelovenotebook)

  (via thelovenotebook)

[albertothechihuahua]

this is the money dog, repost in the next 24 hours and money will come your way!!

[loveholic198]

[ermelina]

When your boyfriend or girlfriend asks if you are okay..

Don’t lie to them. If y'all are in love, tell them what’s bothering you. They care. It’s okay to be vulnerable with them. Don’t tell them “yes, I’m okay” and you’re not, because then you’ll be mad at them for not understanding you’re hurt when YOU HAVEN’T EVEN EXPLAINED IT to them. People can’t read minds. Give them the chance to listen, give them the chance to understand. Let them love you, communication is key.