Use Your (Worst) Mistakes to Build Self-Esteem
Self-esteem? Self-confidence? Not when I make a mistake. I feel embarrassed, even ashamed (if others are involved).
So, of course, I try to hide it, pretend I didn’t do it. Or pretend I meant to do it, or blame it on someone or something; anyone or anything that is not me.
And to avoid the awful feelings, I immediately start telling myself it was not my fault, over and over. The bigger the mistake the more time I have to spend trying to convince myself.
Yes, I have done it all, everything, except pick up my self-esteem and put it back up higher than it was.
How?
By taking a deep breath, stiffing my resolve and standing up. All the way up and admitting it was me. Then an apology, followed by doing everything I can to make things right (or at least better).
Why?
Ducking and hiding feels young and sneaky. Standing up and admitting feels strong, at least afterward, and it makes me stronger, permanently. It also pushes up my self- esteem and self-confidence.
But the reality is that even the thought of standing up and admitting can feel too awful to even try.
What to do? 3 steps:
1. Choose someone close to you, give them this post and tell them what you want to do.
2. Then, have some fun pretending different scenarios (based on the past?). Take turns admitting, apologizing and saying what you will do to fix it.
3. Out in the world, start with small mistakes, the ones that some of us act like we meant to do. If you find yourself in the midst of acting, admit that.
You will like the way you feel after. I promise. --------But most of us are like Marie, in the moment she made the worst mistake of her life .
Marie
It had taken several weeks of late nights, and Marie knew it was good.
A tiny smile played at her mouth as she thought of her recent promotion to Marketing and how much the team would like this, her first report.
Marie entered the plush conference room and proudly began handing it out but suddenly found herself nervous.
As she watched her boss leaf through it, she just could not relax.
Franklin finally looked up and said, “This looks good Marie, but where is the Linderman section?”
Marie asked, “Linderman?” and felt her face flush a bright red.
Their initial meeting had been long, and near the end, Franklin had mentioned including Linderman’s area of the state.
Annabelle, senior member of the team, incredulously asked, “You didn’t include it?”
The others had their eyes on the table.
Marie’s voice was quiet, as she said, “I, I remember we, well, we talked about it, and I just, uhm, forgot.” This last was a whisper.
She glanced up to see Franklin’s angry face and remembered how much he hated falling off schedule.
He abruptly stood and barked “Take twenty-minutes!”
The others followed him out, leaving Marie alone.
The silence was overwhelming. “Can I help?”
Marie looked up, tears brimming.
A young man handed her a tissue and asked “What happened?”
The words came spilling out. She finished by saying, “And I feel so embarrassed, more than embarrassed.”
“Ashamed?” he asked. “Yes, ashamed. How could I have forgotten a whole section of the report?”
“A feeling of shame is common after a big mistake.”
Marie blurted, “Who are you?”
“Dennis,” he answered. “I'm a psychologist the company brings in to support marketing.
I was in the office across the hall and saw Franklin stomp out.”
She quietly said, “Marie.”
Dennis asked, “Do you know that you have never been wrong, Marie?
“Oh, come on,” she said, “This is a disaster; besides, everybody makes mistakes.”
“Of course we do, and your mistake is thinking that mistakes are wrong.”
“But I feel so awful; I mean, I let these people down.”
“Yes, you did, but our society has let you down. It has taught you to think that what you did was wrong, even bad.”
Marie gave a quick shake of her head and said, “Okay, but so what?”
“Ah, the so what is the choice you face. You can continue to wallow in the blame and shame, or you can take responsibility and do everything possible to make it right.”
Marie looked away. A full minute passed before she nodded to herself, turned to Dennis and said, “Thank you.”
The team began returning. Franklin entered last and sat down hard.
Still angry, he leaned forward and said, “Without Linderman we are behind schedule. Now, Annabelle, I want you to…”
Marie stood up and said, “Excuse me.”
She could feel her hands trembling and clasped them in front of her.
Forcing herself to look at her boss, she said, “I want to apologize…” Her voice cracked.
She cleared her throat and tried again. “I apologize for my mistake, and I have a solution. We can use the first five sections of the report today and tomorrow.”
She paused and then plunged ahead. “I will complete Linderman tonight and tomorrow night, and we can use it, along with the final two sections on the third day.”
Franklin sat back. Silent. Slowly, he said, “Yes, ok, that could work. Are you sure you can handle it?”
She hesitated, then nodded and said, “I can; and again, my apology to you all.”
And she realized that an inner glow had replaced much of the shame and sent Dennis a silent thank you.
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