What is it like to hate an entire city and yet continue living there? Well that’s what the pandemic has to offer me. I write this after a year of self-doubt and slow poisoning of my self-esteem (that I built with all my toil during college).
It’s not me who has the issue or my body (hair, size, acne, not so pretty, aggressive, egoistic, arrogant, misbehaved, etc.) It’s them who push me to my worse that I have ever been. I am not any of this and I know this for myself. I am and I will make efforts to always be the smartest person in the room. I am not any of this because I know myself.
However, unfortunately, I entered a dark phase where I was just not myself. I couldn’t write what I loved. It included things like my thesis over which I worked for a year and my entire batch knew how much I was passionate about it. I was confused as to what went wrong? I went around asking everyone I knew as to what do they think I could do to get back to how I was and how I worked.
They said, it’s normal for work efficiency to dip for anyone due to the circumstances given as a gift by the pandemic. I didn’t believe it for myself even after I heard the same thing from over 30 people!
Until this second that I write with a heavy chest, crying soul and eyes and a shivering body.
I am dipping because of the people I called my family! Truly a kalyug for they managed to dip me to this. Writer’s lock was actually my mental health and happiness blockade that I face because of them! I thought they loved me and so did I. But, I certainly, unfortunately, doubt all of it, for the first time ever.
How am I expected to be firm on my decision when everything I do is tagged flawed and miserable and condemned almost as much I murdered my annoying aunt!
How do you think it is like to be shouted at almost as if it’s my three course meal of a day! How do you think it is to be paroled like a prisoner of Tihar jail who has to report to the watchman outside who has to come to meet them, or who they want to meet or what they want to do? My doctor told me that they do this for my safety and out of love and care. But now I think, probably it is the love and care for the prisoner they are keeping in their jail for no fault maybe!
Dear reader, don’t misunderstand me for immature or misbehaved and an ungrateful living piece of the degraded gender.
I just write what I am feeling. I am not bad and I am not unworthy. I know my worth and as I near the end of this, I want to promise myself to get to myself, on mine and my capability alone, the best of the entre world. I know I deserve it. I know I deserve to be happy, whether or not someone makes efforts to ‘keep me happy’. Because, I am not selfish, just blossoming out of self-love. Call it selfish if you’re dumb, I’ll sympathize, if I find time.
Say what you want and I’m the new handicapped- deaf for you. Entering back to the best version of me. The happy one, self servant, dating myself and proud of myself.
love you yaar M!