dare to be

"Not all of those who wander are lost." ~J.R.R. Tolkein | DID | KT | Izzy | Isaac | Dylan | Jacob | Etc. |

[daretobe-explored]

Relaxing end to a productive day.

In honor of spring break, I spring cleaned my home, budgeted, filled out FAFSA, and studied physics and calculus. I earned my hydrating face and hair masks, the crackling candle (the wick is wood so it sounds like a fire), and my lavender tea.

Cheers to the rest of the semester. We’ve got this.

[daretobe-we]

I also painted the living room a lovely Earth green. 😄- KT

[daretobe-we]

Fourth times the charm?

I keep going into the kitchen to get Adderall, but forget what I went into the kitchen for once I get there. Maybe next time I get up I'll remember. 🤦

[daretobe-we]

I love these souls.

[daretobe-we]

Where is this coming from??

I'm feeling inexplicable and immense sadness. Today has been great, but my heart is heavy and I've been on the verge of tears all day. I'm not sure where it's coming from. I have absolutely no energy. -KT

[daretobe-we]

The hardest part about physics homework is entering everything correctly into your calculator.

[daretobe-we]

I got fired today. It fucking sucks. I've never been fired before. Not sure how to process this.

[yallarewild]

adhd culture is your food always getting cold because it took you four hours to eat it :)

[daretobe-we]

Or reheating your coffee 15 times because you keep forgetting to drink it.

[daretobe-we]

Step Mom Woes

I found out my step mom used to purposely feed me dairy, despite having medical proof that it made me sick. I frequently visited the doctor for joint pain, nausea, bathroom issues, migraines, rashes, difficulty breathing, chest pain, sever stomach pain, dizziness, etc. and my doctor and Mom had no idea what was wrong with me.

Evidently, my step mom was purposefully feeding me food I was allergic to just to spite my mom. She had told my doctor that I "grew out" of my lactose intolerance and that I was making up my symptoms for attention. She told my mom she wasn't feeding me dairy or bread, but was forcing me to eat it when I was with her and my dad.When I was supposed to go get tests done to see if I had any allergies, she lied to my mom and said we went and that the tests were negative, even though she never brought me to the specialist.

Turns out, I'm most likely allergic to yeast or unable to eat gluten. I've been physically miserable for over a decade and had just accepted my fate to always be randomly sick. I thought all of these tests had been done so I didn't pursue any treatment.

I'm livid that an adult would purposely keep a child sick as a power grab against her mother. Fuck her.

[youjustgottalovedisney]

July 26, 1951 - Alice in Wonderland is released

[daretobe-explored]

This semester has been difficult.

I worked 55 hours a week with mandatory overtime. I underperformed at work. I started therapy for ADHD and found out I have CPTSD and DID. Had a month and a half of a mental breakdown. I didn’t do homework during that month as my brain and body were too exhausted. I barely slept. I gained weight.

It was rough.

BUT! I passed calc II with a D+!!! It’s nothing to brag about. I was a terrible student this semester, but I passed.

I’m so thankful that my professors kept supporting me and encouraging me during my mental breakdown. I’m so thankful for my therapist teaching me tools to cope with dissociation, memory loss, and repressed memories resurfacing. I’m so thankful for my fiance stepping up and keeping our home clean while I was too exhausted to do chores. I’m so thankful for him comforting me while I was stuck in horrible flash backs of trauma.

People. Mental health is not a joke. If you’re struggling, please be honest with someone about that struggle and ask for help. It’s so much easier to heal when you have people supporting you! It’s much easier to succeed when you’re healthier.

Hopefully finals weren’t too rough for you! Happy holidays!!

[thealicemadteaparty]

Alice in Wonderland’s quote

[brainrobot]

some general tips for people with executive dysfunction

1. invest in a can of dry shampoo!!! they’re not particularly expensive (mine is batiste brand, i got it for $8).  showering a lot can suck for low energy people, esp people who are trying to get their hair to adjust to getting washed less offten (hair gets oily very quickly after long periods of being washed every day) and this can save lot of time while also making you feel clean!! 

2. BANANAS ARE A GODSEND. i get very sick in the morning, and im also perpetually low on energy, which usually makes me opt out of breakfast. but bananas are quick, easy, filling, and (fun fact) make you less nauseous somehow? idk. they’re great. if you never eat breakfast like me, try to start buying bananas more often as its a really good backup 

(this one’s kind of big so ill break it down so its easier to read) 

3. clean stuff as soon as possible rather than waiting for it to build up. it doesn’t have to be huge, time consuming tasks. just small steps to save yourself from some stress in the future. 

pick up clothes from the floor the second you take it off and put it in the washing machine. you don’t have to turn it on or do the washing now, but now its off your floor which is great!

throw stuff in the trash can the first time around instead of having it pile up. take empty cups/plates into the kitchen right away (you can go around the house, or even just your room and pick up dishes whenever you need to take a break from working or studying)

quickly do your bed first thing!! it doesn’t have to be extremely neat, honestly just dust off your covers, fold it at the foot of your bed and fluff your pillows a bit!! it took a minute but now your room looks a lot cleaner!

4. break up everything into small tasks/create routines that are very specific! my example will be showering.

when i shower, i break it up into very very specific parts. the first thing, probably the hardest, is getting myself in the shower. focusing on how showering is not a stressful activity, how it feels good and how good you feel after can definitely minimize the amount of time i spend psyching myself to get up, as overtime the idea of showering becomes an intrinsic part of your day rather than a task or chore. 

after i get myself in, the hardest part’s done, and i can relax. i do my routine, which at this point, has become a no brainer. my routine is: shampoo, conditioner (but i dont wash it out), body wash/soap, face wash, brushing my teeth (yes i brush my teeth in the shower fuck off two birds with one stone), and then finally i wash the conditioner out! this is weird but if im done extra quickly, i’ll let myself just stand there until the water runs cold bc idk i really like showering?? 

starting a new routine is always difficult but just stick with it. you can start introducing a routine one task at a time, you can remember to just wash your hair and then get out if thats all the energy you have today. and dont be ashamed about music in the shower!!! i played music on my phone in the shower every day for a year maybe? ive stopped now bc my last phone’s headphone port broke bc of water damage but anyway thats not relevant 

5. keeping a calendar and planner is great in feeling good and organized. you dont have to get a super expensive bullet journal, just start small. i got my current calendar as a christmas gift (theres food puns every month i love it) and my school provides planners. dont feel obligated to use it EVERY DAY and constantly have the best handwriting. just keep it on your desk in class and at home for whenever you need it

6. music and podcasts are good for any time. waking up but feeling super anxious and you dont want to get up? music/podcasts drown out your thoughts and can help you start your day in a nice way. studying and feeling really bored and annoyed?? listen to your favorite songs. trying to go to sleep but your annoying brain wont shut up? nice chill podcasts, or even just longish youtube videos help. 

music (especially instrumental music) is best for when you need to think and focus on a task. podcasts are good for menial tasks that dont require you to think that much, as podcasts are more engaging and have you focus on something so you feel less bored/procrastinatey!!! 

my favorite songs to listen to when studying are actually playlists ive made! (here and here) and my podcast/video recommendations are off topic and grumpcasts/long game grumps videos, but i understand that this isnt for everyone (cw: lots of swearing, dark humor, stupid casual racism/sexism/transphobia/ableism but its just something i put up with bc i really like michael jones)

i can’t really think of anything else right now!! these are just all the things i do that actually do help a lot

i see lots of sentiment in the studyblr community that basically says “your future self wont be pleased with your pathetic excuses right now :)” and stuff like that and just…please remember that executive dysfunction is never “just an excuse”, it is a legitimate reason for not being able to complete tasks. feeling frustrated with yourself is normal, but you should never be made to feel guilty for not being able to do something, no matter how menial or how crucial. you’re great and you can do this <3

[abcsofadhd]

No 4 is an especially good advice.

[thatsthat24]

Finding a Decent Sleep Schedule 🛌

[noonymoon]

living with executive dysfunction is like knowing to all times which potential there actually is within you, but constantly failing to harness your personal resources because of the lacking impulse. it‘s like being held hostage in your own physical form and trapped in your thoughts. the mind goes woo-wah but the corpus says nah. of course, the ego – that miserable son of a bitch – tells you that you are failing life because look at what others can do! in that exact same time span in which you feel like you achieved nothing! you have all these dreams and goals but no realistic idea when you will actually be able to realize them. actually, you should listen to your own inner clock and just chill the fuck out. there is plenty of time and you are not too old. some people have to take things slow and steady – and that’s okay! the long journey will be all worth it once these wishes come true, finally ♡

[ixhvenus-deactivated20200308]

how come no one talks about those days where your mental health just crashes down randomly and you start feeling ashamed of yourself because you were doing so good and now you feel like a complete failure because you can’t figure out where you went wrong.

[madeofbees]

t h i s

[daretobe-we]

Today. Yes! I laid in bed for 5 hours this morning not understanding why we couldn't get up!

[daretobe-we]

Huge accomplishment today!!!! For the first time in our life, we used the entire tube of chapstick without losing it!

[daretobe-we]

The Silence is Maddening

So ..... 

My head-mates have gone silent. They say I need to focus on school or whatever while they stabilize our “inner world”. 

It’s frieken maddening. I didn’t even realize how heavily I relied on them until they stopped talking to me. My brain is ... empty now. Although, it is easier to focus on class without Izzy constantly interrupting with questions or dissociating. 

However, WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN MY HEAD WHEN I GET UPSET YOU NEED TO STOP IT. I HATE CHRISTMAS MUSIC. YOU ARE NOT HELPING! 

-KT