my clematis ✿*

[darker-daydream]

intro ♡

im a depressed teenage girl and my blog will probably reflect that. don't report me if you find me disgusting, just block me, okay?

i was @darkerdaydreams ^^

tw for what i might potentially talk about: self hatred, suicide, self harm, eating disorders, abuse, etc. don't interact if your sensitive to these topics!!

about me

im rachel. im 15 years old. this blog is mostly a vent blog, but there might come times where im posting happy things. im a lifestyle jirai, sometimes i dress it

things i like: alien stage, ice skating, my cats, umamusume, vocaloid, demon slayer, listening to music, nso, musicals, positive attention

things i don't like: myself, people staring at me, being alone, conservative/nazi beliefs, gaining weight, being bullied

mental illness

diagnosed: severe recurrent major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, body dysmorphic disorder, PTSD

undiagnosed: eating disorder

ed stats:

sw: 195lbs

gw1: 170lbs

gw2: 150lbs

gw3: 130lbs

gw4: 110lbs

gw5: 100lbs

ugw: 85lbs

[darker-daydream]

another coord post ^^

I only bought the pieces to this coord in September and they already feel loose ｡°(°¯᷄◠¯᷅°)°｡ The skirt kept slipping down...

I suppose that means I'm being successful in my weight loss, but um... I really don't wanna buy new pieces

[darker-daydream]

i got new figure skates!! >u< they're Freestyle Jacksons and they feel sooo nice istg

[hauntinglynumb]

notes game to motivate me

1- owo hi ur here!

10- ill brush my teeth

50- ill brush my teeth for a week

100- ill throw away my blades (AGH 😭)

200- owo wow thats alot of notes ehe

300- ill stop scratching myself

400- holy shit thats alot of notes- um ill vent to my therapist for real

500- ill stop my sh for awhile

600- ill stop my ed altogether

700- ill actually be for real in my iop class

800- tysm!

(Adding more goals cause yall are very fast!)

1000- ill be clean for the rest of the year

1500- ill finally be honest with my therapist

2000- ill tell my parents EVERYTHING

[darker-daydream]

Begging my mom for Korean food for my OMAD 🥺

[darker-daydream]

oh!! i had a really bad asthma attack earlier today 😓 i had to go to the ER to get steroids and a breathing treatment.

i ended up collapsing into the arms of a staff member there... i really hope i wasn't too heavy for them

[darker-daydream]

i have very maternal feelings towards Chara

[darker-daydream]

i wish Yona got more attention than just My September and Jordan River.. I've been listening to her a lot lately!

[jirairenshi]

hey how about we put our s/h pictures UNDER A READ MORE????

blocked someone because they pissed me off. i literally was checking to make sure they aren't on my dni list and woah...a picture pinned RIGHT THWRE in front of my face no warning at all

THIS IS A READ MORE

IT DOES THIS THING THAT HIDES THE PICTURE LIKE THIS

like guys i don't care if you s/h or not, just don't put it out there without warning. i personally don't care seeing pictures but i only say this because i know others who will get triggered

[darker-daydream]

my thighs look especially fat, but this set is still cute right? 🥺

(i just realized my bow was uneven... killing myself)

[darker-daydream]

MIZISUA I SAY JUMPING UP AND DOWN

MIZISUAAAAA

[darker-daydream]

FIRST THANK U FOR THE SPAM!!! UR SO AWESOME AND KEWL FOR THAT!!!

tell five things that make you happy and also put this in the ask box of the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you also you give off like the perfect jirai vibe like sooo pretty but like just ugh can I be jirai like uuuuu

-@rabidillraccoon

AHH OMGG YOU'RE SO SWEETT >u<

ofc you can be jirai 🫶🫶 anyone can!

five things that make me happy? umm... I'd say cats, people liking me/being nice to me, making friends, getting cute clothes, and losing weight!!

speaking of jirai... should i post a photo of one of my coords? I've been holding off since i always get called fat when i do (i am fat, but it's meann)

♡

yes, post!!

no, don't!!

Voting ended onNov 4, 2025

[darker-daydream]

it's both very easy and very hard for me to stop my human instincts about death. in my past suicide attempts, i had to really push my mind unless i was acting impulsively

suicide is probably the scariest thing ever, just with the sheer amount of human instinct begging you not to

[darker-daydream]

hey guys!! i saw the long walk today and i thought it was good. it made me sad though. you guys should see it >u<

what's funny is that as i was walking from the theater, i twisted my ankle.

(i also saw a cybertruck in the parking lot, so i spit on it!!)

i hope you guys are doing okay today

[darker-daydream]

Can you cut your tits and post it for me :3

no

[darker-daydream]

bad apple...?

[darker-daydream]

how i feel lately