Progress on my Path, Accepting Myself, Getting it out
I've been thinking about the very quick disintegration of what I believed was an auspicious beginning. A few things have stuck out to me about what happened in a very short period of time and in a very few sentences.
Mine wasn't a case of distrust. It was a case of comfort level having to do with balance and how that would impact a possible future attachment. You did ask me to let you know immediately if I found anything uncomfortable and said to me numerous times that you wanted me to be myself, both of which I did.
The previous day I said that there would be things that I would have a ceiling on because of the (understandable) degree of privacy you need, which you made no indication would be an issue for you.
We both acknowledged that we have baggage.
You told me that you wanted openness and transparency in the conversation and dealings. That my well-being and health were a priority for you and I extrapolated from that it was also indicative for the health of the possible dynamic that we were starting to lay the groundwork for.
How you reacted in that moment belies that. I'm not saying that you don't genuinely want that, but your knee-jerk reaction indicates that there is most likely something or things that you need to address that you are either unaware of or have chosen to ignore.
From my POV, especially taken with some of the previous things that we had touched on in conversation, your expectation and reaction would be understandable in an established dynamic or further along in the process of our vetting, but we were still at the very beginning. Finding parameters and testing the waters.
Also, when I said the day before that I found it odd that you didn't ask me for pictures, you said you intentionally did not to show me where your interests lie and what you held in importance. So when you did it took me aback quite a bit.
I hope you receive this in the spirit I mean. My intent is not to place blame or point fingers, but to give you my POV and insight into what was happening in my head when it went down at the moment, in conjunction with previous points of conversation. I was very surprised at the turn in the conversation, shocked by the quickness of our demise, and how willing you were to step there since we were so well matched up until that point in my opinion. I mean there were no points of contention or issues that I can think of.
I think that you are correct when you said that we are not a good fit for each other, but for very different reasons.
For me:
how you handled the situation and yourself at the end,
the number of seeming inconsistencies that came to light in that moment,
the immediacy of your willingness to kill something that was progressing excellently in all respects until this happening,
Your denial of exploring whether or not we could come to an equitable solution that would work for both of us at this particular time,
And you seeming to take it as your due for me to extend to you a grace and understanding that you did not reciprocate at the first bump you experienced.
All of which I find problematic in themselves, but even more so when clustered.
Not what happened on the surface in that very small window of time.
I won't lie. This whole thing stings a bit. One because I'm not sure what to think since there seems to be clear discrepancies between your talk and your walk (though I can think of a few reasonable whys to that), two that you chose to completely cut contact (I can understand your reasoning there ), and 3 - your complete unwillingness to have any type of discussion to see if it could be worked out considering how well it was going up until that point, which I don't understand at all.
I have no idea if you'll read this, and if you do, I have no expectations that you'll respond, but I do think it's important that I send it, so if you do read it, you'll have a POV that will hopefully give you a bit of insight and pause that may impact how you choose to go about things in future.
I do genuinely like whom I saw up until that last bit. If you are whom I believe you to be, I think you will be able to take a few things away from this that will be of benefit to you. I can't bring myself to say I wish the best for you quite yet because I am human and freely admit that I am a bit hurt and confused, but I know I'll get there once this settles a bit, I have the time to process it, and a bit of distance. It always hurts when we're rejected for whatever reason, whether we can see the reason in it or not. I can say I hope you find progression on the path that you've chosen.
J.
















