just thoughts

[darknrandomthoughts]

Progress on my Path, Accepting Myself, Getting it out

I've been thinking about the very quick disintegration of what I believed was an auspicious beginning. A few things have stuck out to me about what happened in a very short period of time and in a very few sentences.

Mine wasn't a case of distrust. It was a case of comfort level having to do with balance and how that would impact a possible future attachment. You did ask me to let you know immediately if I found anything uncomfortable and said to me numerous times that you wanted me to be myself, both of which I did.

The previous day I said that there would be things that I would have a ceiling on because of the (understandable) degree of privacy you need, which you made no indication would be an issue for you.

We both acknowledged that we have baggage.

You told me that you wanted openness and transparency in the conversation and dealings. That my well-being and health were a priority for you and I extrapolated from that it was also indicative for the health of the possible dynamic that we were starting to lay the groundwork for.

How you reacted in that moment belies that. I'm not saying that you don't genuinely want that, but your knee-jerk reaction indicates that there is most likely something or things that you need to address that you are either unaware of or have chosen to ignore.

From my POV, especially taken with some of the previous things that we had touched on in conversation, your expectation and reaction would be understandable in an established dynamic or further along in the process of our vetting, but we were still at the very beginning. Finding parameters and testing the waters.

Also, when I said the day before that I found it odd that you didn't ask me for pictures, you said you intentionally did not to show me where your interests lie and what you held in importance. So when you did it took me aback quite a bit.

I hope you receive this in the spirit I mean. My intent is not to place blame or point fingers, but to give you my POV and insight into what was happening in my head when it went down at the moment, in conjunction with previous points of conversation. I was very surprised at the turn in the conversation, shocked by the quickness of our demise, and how willing you were to step there since we were so well matched up until that point in my opinion. I mean there were no points of contention or issues that I can think of.

I think that you are correct when you said that we are not a good fit for each other, but for very different reasons.

For me:

how you handled the situation and yourself at the end,

the number of seeming inconsistencies that came to light in that moment,

the immediacy of your willingness to kill something that was progressing excellently in all respects until this happening,

Your denial of exploring whether or not we could come to an equitable solution that would work for both of us at this particular time,

And you seeming to take it as your due for me to extend to you a grace and understanding that you did not reciprocate at the first bump you experienced.

All of which I find problematic in themselves, but even more so when clustered.

Not what happened on the surface in that very small window of time.

I won't lie. This whole thing stings a bit. One because I'm not sure what to think since there seems to be clear discrepancies between your talk and your walk (though I can think of a few reasonable whys to that), two that you chose to completely cut contact (I can understand your reasoning there ), and 3 - your complete unwillingness to have any type of discussion to see if it could be worked out considering how well it was going up until that point, which I don't understand at all.

I have no idea if you'll read this, and if you do, I have no expectations that you'll respond, but I do think it's important that I send it, so if you do read it, you'll have a POV that will hopefully give you a bit of insight and pause that may impact how you choose to go about things in future.

I do genuinely like whom I saw up until that last bit. If you are whom I believe you to be, I think you will be able to take a few things away from this that will be of benefit to you. I can't bring myself to say I wish the best for you quite yet because I am human and freely admit that I am a bit hurt and confused, but I know I'll get there once this settles a bit, I have the time to process it, and a bit of distance. It always hurts when we're rejected for whatever reason, whether we can see the reason in it or not. I can say I hope you find progression on the path that you've chosen.

J.

[darknrandomthoughts]

Another incident in the life of Jody.

If you've been following my workout Saga at all you know that I prefer to do my exercise in as little as possible. So even though I wasn't doing weight or Tabata the last 2 days I was doing stretching and yoga so I stripped down to my bra and panties to get my yoga on.

When I finished my routine I realized that I was quite parched so I went to get my water bottle which I had left in the kitchen. I stood up, stretched a little bit more to work out the tightness from a few of the yoga poses and proceeded to walk across the short little hallway into the kitchen to get my drink.

Now if you're not familiar with my house (which why would you be) the little hallway that I have to cross between the living room and the kitchen passes the front door.

Well as will happen (to me), right as I was walking across to the kitchen some stranger man was walking up to my front door. I saw them, they so much more of me than they were expecting, eye contact was made, and I let out a small yelp of surprise and double stepped myself into the kitchen..... realizing immediately that my clothes were in the living room. Of course. So I had to scoot my barely covered ass back across the little hallway (that passed in front of the front door where this complete stranger man was standing) so I could get dressed and open the door to see what he wanted.

If anyone is interested they were here to test the water.

[darknrandomthoughts]

You are stalking me this morning

It has been snowing since about 8:00 this morning. I made and ate breakfast. I locked myself out of one of the bedrooms. I've done some chores. I've watched a couple of movies, listened to some parts of audiobooks. Just boring every day stuff on a snowy cold day. The minutiae of life

And I can't fucking get you out of my head.

I am horned up to the point that I want to scream and it's all your fault. I have these loops of scenarios and positions and actions going through my head involving you and me and touching and tasting. And I fucking want it so badly right now I could cry or punch something. I can feel small electric charges running from neck to nipples. From nipples to clit. From clit to taint. Spreading out to both openings, and running back up to my neck and down to my toes. Every surface of my flesh is in need and yearns.

Clit throbbing.

Vagina and vulva swollen and moist.

Nreasts heavy.

Nipples tingling and sensitive.

All for the want, nay need, of your touch

A few scenes playing out in my head but always coming back to this one.....

Me laying on a bed. My wrists bound together and above my head. Feeling rope taut around my ankles pulling and keeping my legs spread. A pillow tucked beneath my lower back so my pelvis is arched up. Clamps on my nipples, feeling the chain running down my belly to the clamp on my clit, pulled tight because of the arch. Being physically wide open to your touch and gaze. Vulnerable to your desires. Prey for your predator.

The only thing I can't decide on is whether or not I want to be blindfolded. It does add a sense of trepidation that I enjoy but I also want to see the light in your eyes when your passenger comes completely and fully forward to take me in hand.

[darknrandomthoughts]

The Trial of the Towel (also known as I bet she won't do that again..... And you would be wrong)

A little over 10 years ago I got locked out of a hotel room wearing just a towel.

I know the story sounds made up or at least exaggerated, but it's not.

Anywho I got locked out of a hotel room with only a towel wrapped around me because I had just gotten out of the shower and decided to put something out in the hall for pickup. No I don't remember what it was. What I do remember is hearing the click of the door shutting.

I whirled around, laid my hand to rest on the door and contemplated my life and the decisions that led up to me being in this ridiculous situation, as one does tend to do. I snapped out of my moment of hard thinking because another hotel guest was coming down the hallway and I could hear his step falter. When I turned to look at him the expression on his face was surprised as well as a bit taken aback because of course these things don't happen in real life. They happen in sitcoms and in romcoms. Not in a Best Western in Louisiana. I was tempted to pinch him so he would realize that yes this is really happening. There is a woman wrapped in a towel, standing in the hallway of a hotel, with only a towel covering her, but I controlled myself and did not.

At this juncture I feel that I should point out that my name was not connected to the room. It was registered under my boyfriend's name. This is important to this next bit.

I made my way down to the front desk and spoke to the clerk who did not feel confident in handling it on their own so they of course called the assistant manager. Who also apparently did not feel that it fell under his purview so he called the general manager.

(Now just in case you are wondering at this point..... yes there are other guests walking in and out of the lobby and they are all taking notice of my lack of attire as well as the conversation that is happening between me and these representatives of the hotel).

Who finally granted me access to the room but the only thing I was allowed to take out was my pocketbook because it had my wallet in it that contained my picture ID (so they could see that it was mine) and luckily my car keys were in my purse as well for once and not laid somewhere that I couldn't prove was mine.

What was not in it was my cell phone. This is important later.

So I was off. I could hop in my automobile and drive to where he was attending work-related training to get his key so I could get back into the hotel room and put on clothes.

Not a problem. I had driven and picked him up there for the past 3 days so I knew the way without electronic help. I hopped into the car to take the 30-minute drive to where he was doing his training only to remember that I was almost on E and would not make it to his place of training without stopping for gas. Because of course why do now what you can put off to do later?

So I'm like FINE I'm going to stop for gas. Pull out of the parking lot of the BW and pulled into the first gas station I saw where there is a nifty little sign on all the pumps saying that I need to go inside to pay, which I strongly did not want to do for obvious reasons. On to the next station....... and the same little sign is affixed to all those pumps. So off to the next one and wouldn't you gosh dang know it.... Again with the frekkin pay inside sign. At this point I'm like fuck it. I don't see any other gas stations close by and I figure my car is running on fumes. I have no choice.

I park in front of a pump, hop out of my car (tighten my towel wrap up as much as I can, put my hand over where the end is tucked in) grab my keys and wallet and march in to pay for gas.

Of course it's one of those gas stations that has a small food court buffet so popular in the South. It's right around lunch time so there is a long line of blue collar men getting their lunch.

Everything comes to a screeching silence and all eyes turn towards me in a relatively short period of time when I walk in dressed in my barely big enough towel. I am very thankful that they don't have a sign hanging in the door saying "No shoes, No shirt, No service" because I obviously am not wearing either.

Luckily I'm not shy so I had no problem asking the men waiting in line if I could cut in front of them to pay for some gas and most of them were very nice and let me after I explained my situation. Needless to say I didn't have to wait for long and I was able to go back out to my car to put gas in it so I could make it to where I needed to go and back. And yes I felt all those eyes on me from inside the store, from the pumps, as well as from passing traffic.

Off I was again.

Let me remind you at this point that I could not alert him to my situation beforehand because I didn't have my cell phone on me. It was back in the hotel room with my CLOTHING because the general manager of the hotel wouldn't allow me to take it with me (which I think was not necessary since I could also prove that it was mine) I believe for shits and giggles.

To continue...... I arrived at the facility where he was training.

I am wrapped in a towel that just covers me, bare underneath it and barefooted, and I need to track him down to get the room key so I can get dressed.

It is a lifetime of experiences like this that makes it very difficult for me to get embarrassed.

Of course my timing was impeccable as it always is..... There were men seemingly everywhere, milling and sitting about because training had stopped for lunch. When else would I arrive?

Men to the left of me. Men to the right of me. Men in front of me. And soon to be men behind me.

Only one thing to do. I got out of the car and started searching for him. Barefoot, wrapped in a towel that was a bit too small, strolling through a crowd of men as I made my way into the building looking for him or someone in charge that could tell me where he was so I could get some damn clothes on.

[writing-prompt-s]

When you learned of the god of war, you thought he’d be tall and muscular and angry. When you were about to meet him, you braced yourself for the worst.

You weren’t quite expecting the short, scrawny, shy kid you ended up getting instead.

[thestuffedalligator]

Olive skin, black hair, skinny, dirty face with pale lines where tears had sliced through the ash and dust. A white chiton dress and a threadbare shawl draped over her shoulders.

A pair of wings - huge, black vulture wings, far too large on her tiny body - were the only things that suggested she was divine.

The general shifted his weight from foot to foot. Obviously respect had to be given to gods, but… “Er - I’m sorry, I was invoking Ares? The god of war?”

The child god shrunk in on herself, and pulled the shawl over her shoulders. She muttered something. “Sorry?” the general asked.

“Ares is the god of slaughter,” the child god said in a slightly louder voice. “Not war.”

The general looked at the priest. The priest shrugged, clearly lost at sea. “Well,” the general said, “then maybe Athena? Goddess of tactics in war?”

“Tactics,” the child god repeated. “Not war.”

There was a long, ugly silence, as the huge vulture wings shifted with the whisper of brushing feathers. “My name is - was - Iphigenia. Daughter of Agamemnon, king of Mycenae, commander of the Greeks who stormed the walls of Troy. When my father disgraced Artemis, and the winds of Greece would not blow her battleships to Troy, I was brought to Aulis. For my wedding, I was told. I was-”

She sobbed. Teardrops dribbled off her chin and fell to the temple floor. “I was fourteen. And then I was brought to the highest altar in Aulis, and - and then - and-”

Another sob. “I was fourteen,” she said.

The vulture wings draped over her, and she disappeared under the cloak of black feathers. When they parted, and when the child god looked up at the general, he fell backwards. Those eyes. Eyes he’d seen a thousand times in battle -

“I am the true spirit of war, general,” the child god said. “I am the goddess of bloodshed, of sacrifice, of the slaughter of innocents. I am invoked when men ravage, burn and pillage. I am invoked when mothers cry out, when sons die, when daughters are stolen. I hear it all, general. I have heard it all since the fall of Troy.”

The terrible wings opened up. The child god loomed over the fallen man, twenty, thirty feet tall. Somewhere, the priest was screaming. “How dare you call upon my name.”

[toooldtolive]

i did a thing—and yeah @thestuffedalligator this was HEAVY STUFF but it’s SUCH good writing so thank you

(especially proud of the eyes here)

[darknrandomthoughts]

Brutal Beauty

desire hooded eyes tracking stalking predator

held immobile with anticipation and silken bounds

leather kissing flesh

in many forms and guises

sensual to stern to beyond forceful

love bruises left behind

blushing red to purple black

striped and marked

Passenger's particular type of

tender loving care

rolling to peaking pain

crashing into waves of pleasure

undone by sensation

hard intense full

encompassing

tear tracked cheeks and muffled screams

writhing in the dance of pain and pleasure

[darknrandomthoughts]

"Some of us are born in turmoil.

A spirit that struggles yet never finds peace.

We cobble it together from our best experiences and memories as we grow, but the absence remains constant."

[darknrandomthoughts]

Brutal Beauty

desire hooded eyes tracking stalking predator

held immobile with anticipation and silken bounds

leather kissing flesh

in many forms and guises

sensual to stern to beyond forceful

love bruises left behind

blushing red to purple black

striped and marked

Passenger's particular type of

tender loving care

rolling to peaking pain

crashing into waves of pleasure

undone by sensation

hard intense full

encompassing

tear tracked cheeks and muffled screams

writhing in the dance of pain and pleasure

[darknrandomthoughts]

The adventure of my ass

So I went to the ER yesterday because I lost a plug up my ass. Went 5 towns over because I live in a small rural community and my job is extremely public and for the city. After I freaked out for 15 minutes I dressed my plugged ass and off I went.

The hilarity commenced as soon as I started talking to the intake person when she wasn't sure what to put down as the reason for my visit and I suggested foreign object anal retrieval.... she choose to leave it blank.

I had to get an xray and my pants needed to be off so the tech gave me a sheet for "modesty sake" (his words) and I'm like dude I have a frikken plug stuck in my ass, I have no modesty left to speak of.

When that was done a nurse came in (she is a Saint) and talked the doctor into letting her try to retrieve it first so I wouldn't have to go through a consult. I was cracking jokes and she said "Don't worry about it. We've all be here". And I looked at her 🤨 and said "Oooooh reeallly?" which got her to laughing.

Thank all that is good she got it out. Afterward I offered to be her lesbian lover if she went that way. The other nurse said I was welcome back any time for whatever reason..... But hopefully not for this. And to get a wider flanged plug. These two nurses are getting a huge ginormous treat basket from me.

So all in all not a bad experience beside my initial minor (apocalyptic) freak out and I stupidly decided to see if I could fish it out with a pair of needle nosed pliers (no worries I came to my senses before I did anything dumb).

I broke 3 cherries 🍒 (losing a toy in me, hospital treatment for said lost toy, and anal fisting 🤣)

Best $200 I ever spent.

I am now sitting at home with my extremely happy unplugged ass.

Morals of the story.... Always keep your sense of humour because it makes everything so much easier, and get your ass to the hospital and let them do what they do if you run into issues, and be honest. Trust me they know it didn't accidently happen because you "fell weird".

*Oh and to top it all off, as I was sitting and being seen, I was wishing I had showered this morning and moisturized, and had on cute panties instead of my period underware because apparently having a plug in my ass sideways was incidental compared to those things 🤦‍♀️. I guess I do have my girl moments.

Plus while I was waiting to be seen (in a way I never thought I would be) I decided the fucking thing was jinxed and shopped for new. Yep as I was sitting there with a cock shaped butt plug stuck sideways in my ass, waiting to see if it could be removed I shopped for better quality ones that have a much larger flange.

[thequotejournals]

wordsnquotes.com

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to. It’s not for them.

Joubert Botha (via msexplorer)

[motivated-mindset]

The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.

(via motivated-mindset)

[darknrandomthoughts]

Tangled thoughts The pain, the pleasure, a wonderfully meshing want, need, I thirst, crave these taboos that lay between us seductive thoughts a shroud covering my inner eye thoughts fly through and by spiraling to the crest close my eyes I am there the feel the taste that mind space where i am completely taken over a hunger erupts for flesh

[darknrandomthoughts]

I am soon to be 46 and have been through a lot in that time span. Rejection, betrayal, abuse, rape, left with nothing except myself more times then I can count. I have been in moments of pure bliss, felt loved, laughed with completely abandonment, felt the unadulterated pleasure of being completely present in a glorious moment I allowed myself to recognize. I am far from perfect. I am not always at my best. I’ve not had the best life but it hasn’t been the worst either because I decide my attitudes and perceptions.

I am not responsible for anyone else’s actions. What they choose to do. The decisions they make. I am only responsible for myself. How I react. How I carry on.

Life is a roller coaster ride. There will be ups and downs, pleasure and pain, grief and joy. And a bunch of moments in between that are filled with neither.

Life isn’t fair, it isn’t easy, it isn’t going to go the way I want it to. It is truly what you make of it. Your decisions to stay, to go, to stick, to walk. Your decision to use someone as a lesson or to let them have power over you for the rest of your days. You decision to look for the sunshine and rainbows or keep yourself in a cave or in a storm. To walk away from a person/situation/arrangement or stay.

Things, big and small, happen to us everyday. The only thing we can do about them is choose how we internalize, spin and accept them. How we go on from there.

Change is inevitable. Choose your path or it will choose you.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”

[darknrandomthoughts]

After each rejection Every betrayal I bounce back,

a little different a bit adjusted skewed

But pull it together, I do I must Spit shine my outlook and carry on

The darkness that is my constant companion , Will resurface and rise to colour my perception,

A little more bleak From a farther depth A bit more destructive Blacker Closer to the void

More difficult to shake off, to resume To get through

With each stab, kick, punch That find their mark It’s harder to reclaim my center Pull myself together Put myself back to rights

All I can do (As it has its way with me Grips me tightly) is breathe and make it through

[darknrandomthoughts]

The hardest journey is that which is taken inward. Of self discovery and awareness. Of freeing ourselves from habits and coping mechanisms made over a lifetime made so we can function which end up being a trap. It isn't easy nor will it be quick. We will fail at times, but the act, the determination to go down an untrod path, is courageous and brave. We are stepping outside of our comfort to move towards our true self and accept that our growth is ongoing, if we choose to go to and work through the challenging aspects of ourself. We have to accept who we are and all the pieces that make us. We are all made up of darkness and light. Both sides are what make us a complete person. It is how we manage those sides that makes the difference in who we are and become. Change can't happen unless acceptance occurs first.

[darknrandomthoughts]

I wonder how many hits it will take me to become bitter? So far each one only makes me pull in a little more. Build my walls a little thicker. Takes me longer to open up. Is there going to come a day where my faith in people dries up. Where I will automatically expect the worst and not even try to give them the benefit of the doubt? I have learned that most do not rise but choose to fall. Would rather lie, not only to you, but themselves. I am weary of it. Of the kicks and punches aimed my way. Them not being smart enough or caring so little that they are unable to mask it. Another lesson learned.