I'm a dude in his mid-30s in DeKalb County Illinois realizing he has no excuse to avoid the dating scene any longer...except that I'm really bad at it.
I feel like I do this dumb thing where I decide I don’t want to be alone, but the effort to date is so taxing. It’s difficult to proceed when you’re not excited about the prospect.
Part of the reason I’m logging in to write today is to vent. Another part was for me to review and see how long it has been since I pursued anyone. It’s been a while and my effort over the last seven years has not been substantial.
In January I asked out a young woman I met in a professional capacity. She was pleasant and cute. However, I wasn’t really excited about her so it didn’t really bother me when I never heard from her.
Then there’s this whole novel coronavirus. How about that?
Anyway.
In April I met a woman whom I found attractive almost immediately even though she was wearing a mask the first day we met. It was just the little things she would do or say. Eventually I learned some more about her and every time I learned something I liked her a little more.
Today I took my shot and struck out. There’s more to the story, but that’s how it ended. She didn’t say she was seeing anyone. It kind of sounded like she just wasn’t in the mood to date at all, or at least not me. I can kind of understand that. If a woman asked me out and I had not previously considered her a romantic interest at all, I’m not sure how I would be brave enough to go out, but isn’t that how it works?
Part of what upset me about the trainwreck I experienced was that she seemed bothered by it and not the least bit flattered. I understand if she just isn’t into me, but I guess it would have been nice if it at least boosted her ego.
If there is a positive takeaway from this, it’s that I’m maybe more open minded about who I’m interested in. I still think this woman is pretty great, and I’m trying not to have any dealbreakers. However, if I were making a dream list of the things I was looking for in a woman, she wouldn’t have checked all those boxes. That’s okay. No one is perfect. The boxes she checks are important and those are namely that she is smart, kind, and has a quick wit.
I will run into her frequently. I hope it isn’t too weird.
The other lesson I should have learned by now is not to get too invested in seeing a woman before she has agreed to see you. That’s just common sense, but it is sometimes easier said than done when you are really drawn towards someone.
Now I feel like I’m at an impasse. Still solidly single, no prospects, and sick and tired of trying to date online.
Boy, have I done a dumb thing. Alcohol was involved for some of it, but not for the dumbest part.
Where do I begin? So I was at the bar waiting on my sister, already with enough drinks in me to misunderstand her text that she might not be going out that evening after all. I had not planned to meet up with any other friends or run into anyone I knew or pursue any women. I pretty much kept to myself and said nothing to anyone except “Yes, please” whenever my bartender asked if I would like another vodka tonic. Six was magic number.
From behind me I heard a drink order that just struck me as amusing. The particulars aren’t important, but I turned to comment on it. It turned out to be a young woman that I have written about here before. She was first introduced to me about ten months ago. When I first wrote about her I said I wasn’t exactly smitten with her. Eventually I gave her my number in a truly awkward fashion. The following week was awful on a personal level (two people I care about were seriously ill and a co-worker passed away unexpectedly). I never heard back from her, but it was the least of my concerns.
When I turned to comment on her order I recognized her right away, but I did my best to seem unfazed. We didn’t talk much and she left with her drinks and I returned my attention to my phone. I texted my cousin who first coerced me into pursuing this woman last April. My cousin said I should go talk to her. "You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!” she said. I was just drunk enough that this seemed like a good idea. I texted my sister. I said, “Come save me before I talk to this chick.” She did. Sort of.
My sister and I talked about a few things and before I paid my bill we came up with a loose framework of what I should say to this woman. It didn’t quite go as I planned. I gave her my business card and suggested I could get her some professional samples for her workplace [I’m being excessively vague and semi-misleading for the sake of preserving privacy]. My sister said I should be direct and tell her exactly why it is that I was going to these lengths to pursue this woman who did not call me ten months ago. *Gulp*
Professional samples were prepared. I wrote a note: A short, but unflinchingly honest note. This was pretty unprecedented for me, but hey, whatever I’ve tried in the past hasn’t worked so maybe it’s time for something new. Along with the samples I sent some chocolates, because that’s like a traditional courtship gesture, right? This was delivered Tuesday. It’s Saturday morning and I’ve heard nothing. I am sure I won’t hear from her at all if I haven’t heard from her by now. Others have told me to give it the weekend. It’s early Saturday morning. Put out some good vibes for me.
This whole dating or trying to date thing is awful. Just awful. Here are two ideas I had to make it better.
Social Tap App
Most dating apps have the same setup more or less. You, the single person, uploads a profile and browses the profiles of other people who have uploaded their profile. Some are free, but generally you have to pay something to get all the features. What if we turned the model on it’s head a bit?
Your friends and family could tap into their social network and try to find a date for you through people they know. Who knows you better than your friends and family? Every time they set you up with someone and the two of you go on a date, your friend gets some kind of monetary kickback from the dues you have been paying. You and your date both rate the date and the better you rate it, the better your friend’s kickback is. You set some kind of goals on the app ranging from “Going on five dates with the same person” to “Got married” and your friends and family get bonus points if they help you meet one of those goals.
There is maybe some danger of turning your friends and family into pimps. I didn’t say it was perfectly thought out yet. It’s just an idea.
21st Century Video Ads
Video dating was a thing in the 80s. My understanding of it is that you, the single person, goes into a storefront and films a video personal ad, and then you have the ability to view other video personal ads. That’s all well and good, but one of the problems with the current apps is that your profile is only being shown to other people on that app or site who are actively using it.
Instead, why not film some sort of video personal ad selling yourself? Using Facebook ads you can very specifically target that you want your video shown to single women age 27-40, within 20 miles, who have a college degree, and enjoy Slayer and Mario Kart. Who doesn’t have social media? Some of the basic targeting could be done by you the user, but the proprietor of an online dating business would probably film and edit the video and tweak the target demographics to an audience allowed by Facebook. This option isn’t going to be super cheap, but 12-months of Match.com would run you $240 and if you did that twice you’re out nearly $500!
Prospective dates would contact the third party who would sort the findings and deliver the results to the client. No worrying about cyber stalking or inappropriate images being sent to your phone.
I’m starting to wonder what such a video would look like for myself. Is this a service I could perform for others?
Or maybe Facebook is going to to beat us all to the punch with their new brand of online dating.
In the past when I’ve asked a woman out I’ve just gone ahead and asked her. I’ve never done this thing where I leave a number and I’m left in limbo. I’m going to guess that after 48 hours the odds of getting a reply drop to near zero. So that’s that.
I’d shared with a friend that I gave her my number. He said if she doesn’t text it’s her loss. That makes me feel a little better.
My cousin told me that she would text someone else and ask them out. If I had any other prospects I would. That’s where I feel like I’m really losing momentum and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to wait another month or more to ask someone else out. I’m all caught up on swipes in the dating apps and those have never led me anywhere anyway.
When I think about what makes me great I feel like a lot of the things are material in nature. It’s much harder to articulate the intangible qualities that make me a good person, and even harder to make those qualities evident to others. However, it’s easy to show someone a copy of my college diploma or what have you.
I’m also trying to ask myself if I’m being too close minded. Are there lots of women I’m overlooking the same way I feel that I’m being overlooked? I don’t want to date and try to enter a relationship just for the sake of not being alone, but similarly I don’t believe that I’m quite so unique that there is no one out there to be happy with.
For whatever knowledge, wealth, and skills I have acquired in my life, why does dating completely elude me? Nearly everyone else seems to have some success with it at some point. My past successes seem minor and short lived. Am I that cowardly? Am I simply not driven enough to pair up? Are my standards too high? What do I do next?
I bought a new button down shirt and new boots. Another cousin gave me all sorts of solid advice and this evening I went and slipped my number to Prospect #1.
It was kind of busy. None of it went as planned, but I got the job done. She was polite and smiled, but I really doubt I’ll be hearing from her. Oddly enough in seeing the task through I have kind of let go of whatever preoccupation I might have had of her. Yes she is cute and has character, but that doesn’t mean she’s the only one like that out there.
So I’ve acted on Prospect #1, ruled out #2, and I’m kind of ruling out Prospect #3, the coworker. I’ve heard some disparaging things about her and while they may not be true, it kind of helps manage my expectations. So as of right now there is no one I’m really interested in. That’s a drag. I’ve been keeping up with the swipes on the dating apps, but really it’s the real world moves that have made me feel better and far more proactive, even if it just means ruling someone out or getting rejected again.
That’s about all I have to report. I’m going to drown my sorrows in some pizza delivery and work it off tomorrow morning at the gym.
Prospect #2 is off the list. I texted my cousin who was a mutual acquaintance. I said I wasn’t sure there was much in common with this prospect, but since we had a mutual connection it was worth following up on. My cousin did not think we would have much in common either and I was happy to leave it at that.
If I’m being honest with myself I find myself more interested in Prospect #1. She is the young lady who works part-time at a bar I frequent as well as a non-profit here in town. If I didn’t know about her specific involvement with the non-profit, she would just be a pretty face that I had passed on the sidewalk. However, knowing what she does for a living is a large part of what makes her attractive to me now as it shows a certain amount of character and intelligence that I feel is lacking in so many people today.
As mentioned previously, I have reservations about asking people out where they work. So I consulted the Internet again and found a wide range of answers to the question: “Is it okay to ask out your server?”
Worst Case Scenario: It’s awkward, she switches with another co-worker to finish with the bill, and I can never go back there again comfortably.
Best Case Scenario: She accepts my offer, we go out several times, and eventually go on to get married and live happily ever after.
Those are of course two far extremes. Maybe in the worst case scenario she is freaked out enough that she gets a restraining order.
Among my answers I found a waitress who had a one-night stand with a regular customer and regretted it, a number of servers who said it happens often (and sometimes they reciprocate), and three instances of a customer marrying a server (or in one case, busboy). A small number of people said it is absolutely not okay. Most others recommended proceeding with caution and that it usually involves leaving a number as you’re leaving or building a rapport over time.
And see how much I have written about this young woman already? I know a handful of things about her, have not so much asked her out (let alone gone out a single time), and I already feel like I’m too focused on her. There are lots of fish in the sea and I’m not seeing them if I’m too focused on one. How many women might I have noticed last Saturday if I hadn’t been sitting alone at the bar?
Yesterday I went to the gym and while I was there I felt pretty good, almost confident even. Then I came home and the house was a mess and I realized I hadn’t magically toned up after a single visit to the gym. So I’m going to try to hit the gym again this morning and then come home and clean the place up. Few things make you feel like you have your act together than actually getting your act together.
I tried to focus on the positives. It took me longer to make that list than I would have liked. You could argue that “Not Ordinary” belongs on the Less Awesome list, but I’m pleased that I’m not ordinary. I’m kind of pleased that I don’t like sports, but the majority of men and women are in fact sports fans and have decided to make it a significant part of their life.
I could come up with more Less Awesome things, but this exercise is mostly about trying to come up with positive affirmations. I have joined a gym recently and I’m trying to be healthier. I’m trying to be less awkward socially, but that’s just something that comes with time and practice. My weird smile might be here to stay. I can smirk, grin, and I laugh. I just do not have one of those photo perfect toothy smiles.
I’m not sure that any of this makes me feel more confident. I do feel like I’d be a pretty good catch for some woman out there, but she’s going to have to look past my facade and really get to know me. Still, I could stand to buy a couple new nice shirts.
I was in a poor mood, but I made myself go to the bar Thursday night. I didn’t see her immediately upon entering and the place was dead. I’d never seen it that empty. So I took a seat at the bar and decided I’d have a drink and leave. A bit later I did see her there, but didn’t have the nerve to talk to her. I caught my reflection in the mirror at the bar at it made me uncomfortable. I felt unattractive. That feeling affects my confidence and thus makes me unattractive. I’m not sure how to make myself feel attractive and thus feel confident.
Friday was reserved for a previously scheduled function. Saturday I made my way back to the bar with a late start. I eventually worked up the nerve to ask her how the donated supplies were holding up. She didn’t know what I was talking about it turns out her director hadn’t clued her in to the availability of these supplies. She shook her head in disbelief.
She was pretty busy most of the night so I left it at that. I feel she might be too young and attractive to go out with a guy like me. I know on some level those things shouldn’t matter, but oftentimes they do anyway. Who are we kidding?
And not #5...
A buddy of mine met up with me at the bar. While I was in the restroom a young woman took the seat next to mine and started a conversation with him. She and I began talking and it wasn’t very long before a voice in my head said, “This woman is into you for some reason! Don’t blow it dummy!” I wasn’t in the right headspace to be chatting up a beautiful stranger; I’d kind of settled into “Bro Mode” and hanging out with my friend who offers conversation better than most. I could see he was going to give me whatever space I needed (he is not single and seems to appreciate my struggle).
Towards the end of our conversation she brought up her pending marriage. She was just looking for some friendly conversation. Nothing to worry about. I hadn’t completely blown it.
*Confesssion: I checked to see if she is on Facebook. She is. We have mutual friends. She is in fact engaged. My buddy agreed that he thought she was hitting on me, so at least I’m not crazy.
Prospect #2
Prospect #2 is the one that showed up in my Bumble feed last weekend. We have a mutual connection through my cousin in that they are coworkers. I have not asked my cousin about her yet, but I will. Prospect #2 showed up in another dating app this evening. The fact that we haven’t connected within the app possibly suggests she isn’t interested (Bumble and Tinder), or that she simply isn’t that active and hasn’t seen my profile yet. Men outnumber women 2-to-1 on most dating sites, sometimes more. Even if she initially swiped left, I would hope that my cousin vouching for me would help. And as far as that goes I can ask my cousin if she can imagine Prospect #2 and myself being good together.
Prospect #4
This is where I start to think that the idea of prospects is bogus. Prospect #4 is a young woman I have run into a couple times. I don’t really know her, but I learned a thing about her that makes her more attractive in my eyes. At one point I would have considered her too young, but it’s so hard for me to tell sometimes. She’s attractive, but I’m not smitten with her. This brings me to The Eels.
The Eels is a band and one album of theirs is El Hombre Lobo, a concept album about desiring love. It’s all songs about pining over someone and unrequited love. Years and years ago I had a crush on woman that I couldn’t shake. I eventually asked her out to find she had a boyfriend. Anyway, leading up to that (and for a time after) the songs on that Eels record were really hitting home and really making me think of that particular girl. Upon revisiting it I found that none of those songs had any power over me or made me think of any specific woman.
In that sense I am relieved that I’m not focused too much on someone or convinced myself that something is there when it’s nothing. Maybe every woman is a potential dating prospect until I learn something about her that proves otherwise.
For my next post I’m going to try a confidence exercise and list the things that I think make me a valuable catch. Wish me luck.
Here’s what’s been happening. I’ve updated all my free dating apps. I’ve been swiping and updating my profile and swiping some more. I’m not getting any feedback in the apps, and I think my next moves might be real life moves (with women I know from real life).
Prospect #1
The weekend of March 7 I made the acquaintance of a young woman (in a bar of all places). I got her name, not her number; we chatted briefly courtesy of my de facto wingman (I never realized how much difference this could make).
The reason I didn’t try to get her number is that she was working at this bar. I am not a fan of asking out women where they work. It seems to me rude, if not a little unfair. I try to imagine myself in her shoes. If I was at work and a woman asked me out and I wasn’t interested, I’d be trapped there at work all night having to deal with and wait on her. In our chatting I was a little surprised how much about herself she offered up in response to my questions.
Some of these details have been changed to protect her identity as well as mine. She volunteers at a non-profit and I asked what the organization was most in need of. It happened to me a resource I was familiar with and have researched, so I located a bulk supply and donated it to the organization. Whether I ever see her again or not, it felt good to be able to help out. I feel like most of us who have access to blogs and the Internet have far more than we need and should be more giving of our time and money, but that’s a subject for a different time and place.
At the very least I hope it is a talking point the next time I see her, which is now the problem. I don’t want to have to go back to this bar every weekend (or opportunity) with the hopes of running into her. I’ve been once or twice since March 3rd (now 6 weeks ago) and not seen her, so it may be a fluke that I ran into her in the first place. I know a couple other servers there by name, but I don’t feel comfortable asking about her. I’m trying not to get too fixated on her. Trying to be cool and aloof.
Prospect #2
I know even less about #2 than #1. I’ve been trying to up my game on the dating apps. This woman came up and I think I’ve seen her on at least one other app before. This time I saw her on Bumble, the app where women have to make the first move. She wrote absolutely nothing about herself, which is kind of a drag. However, she did share where she works and she works at a place where one of my cousins works.
So regarding #2 I know her name, age, and place of employment. It seems bizarre to be that so many women will offer up their place of work. Wouldn’t that invite a bunch of creepy stalkers?
Anyway, all I have to do is say, “Hey, Cuz, what can you tell me about ‘So-and-so’?” but I have not done that yet. Maybe because I don’t know if I have anything remotely in common with Prospect #2, whereas with #1 we’ve talked and have at least one significant (and delightfully nerdy) thing in common. I guess my cousin could tell me if we had something in common...
Prospect #3
The third one is tricky and has been on my radar on and off for a while. She is a co-worker. Only recently am I sort of starting to talk to her a little more. A couple times I’ve even had the feeling that she was similarly nervous to talk to me, although I can’t imagine why. All I know about her for sure is that she has a solid work ethic. That’s an important thing to me.
Our workplace is large and there are a lot of people. It’s just dumb luck when our paths cross for long enough that I can say more than “Hello.” I have a few coworkers there that I consider friends and I could easily go the whole shift without running into them once.
The prospect of dating a co-worker is not without pitfalls. I think I’d want to proceed slowly because it could be uncomfortable if it goes poorly. Who hasn’t seen that? On the other hand I know a lot of couples that met at work and continue to work together happily.
Other Rants & Observations
There have been a few times over the years that I’ve sent women messages on dating apps that have been carefully crafted and scrutinized and received no response. And maybe something about me just wasn’t for them. But then I notice ten years later, those same women are still on dating apps. I can’t help but think, “Maybe you should have given me a chance. Maybe we would have hit it off. Maybe we wouldn’t both still be single a decade later.” The trick is to also apply that to myself and ask who am I not giving a chance to? I feel that in my search criteria I’m much more open minded than I used to be. However, I still kind of try to pick up on some kind of vibe coming through that dating app on my phone. Maybe that’s unrealistic. Does my profile give out any kind of a vibe?
As I look through this entry for proofreading errors I notice something else about myself. I’m not willing enough to venture out of my comfort zone. I’m uncomfortable asking acquaintances about Prospect #1. I’m uncomfortable talking to my cousin about Prospect #2. And I’m uncomfortable on a number of levels trying to get to know Prospect #3, when I can think of at least one coworker I could probably confide in and get some assistance from.
All The Rest
As frustrating as my attempts at dating can be, I’m trying not to let it get me too down. I’ve joined a gym and I’m actually kind of sort of going regularly. I’m planning some home improvements; maybe painting the kitchen and installing a tankless water heater. And perhaps biggest of all I think I have decided to travel abroad. Maybe Austria. Maybe China. Although it would be nice to go off on a romantic holiday with someone, I think getting out and seeing the world is something I need to do whether I find someone or not.
Wow. It’s been almost a year since I’ve bothered to write here. I haven’t had anything to write about. A six month extension on a Match.com ended in January. It resulted in nothing and I’d be hard pressed to try it again. Earlier this week I heard a radio ad for eHarmony. I don’t know if that would be any different or not. They offer a 3-month guarantee (you’ll find someone in 3 months or get 3 more months free; excuse me while I roll my eyes).
Recently my singleness has been a topic of discussion brought up by two different friends. Both are engaged to be married and I enjoy hanging out with either one of them, but I don’t feel like we’re good enough friends that they really understand the enigma of me, or maybe I don’t understand it myself, so I’m going to try to expound on it a bit more here.
I Don’t Want What Everyone Else Wants
We’re sold this dream of a spouse, a house, the kids, the picket fence. No one thing in that scenario is objectionable to me, but I don’t want to be ordinary. Maybe I want to live in Europe for six months. Maybe I want to walk barefoot across the continental US. Maybe I just want to learn how to play drums and record an album and the prospect of doing that in a household with small napping children sounds impossible.
That is not to say that I am completely selfish or above compromise. In fact in the interest of keeping the peace I’m often the first to compromise, which invariably leaves me feeling unhappy and dissatisfied. So the prospect of allowing someone into my life for which I suspect I will have to compromise significantly is daunting.
I Don’t Like What Everyone Else Likes
I don’t drink beer, watch sports (or really, much other television), and I could count on one hand the number of times I go see a movie in a year. I don’t have a PhD in Philosophy or anything, but the idea of pairing up with someone whose idea of entertainment is watching reality television is just not acceptable.
And maybe that’s not even most women, but I feel like my interests run just counter-culture enough to be dismayed with the mainstream, but not enough to truly embrace the counter-culture.
The Walls Are High And Mighty
This isn’t a thought at the forefront of my mind, but after years of being hurt in different ways by different people (friends, romantic interests) I realize in my deepest moments of introspection that I’ve thrown up some pretty significant defenses. It’s easy to suggest that no one should have the kind of power over you, and really no one person does; it’s the sum total of a lot of mini betrayals. I feel like I’d have to be a fool to let down those walls and allow myself to trust someone. One friend asked, “What does it matter to you if someone rejects you? What does it hurt?” I don’t have a good answer. I think maybe my fear is that what if they don’t reject me? It’s quite possibly going to lead to a deeper hurt later. Maybe that’s the thing with love and life. You have to be willing to risk something if you want to get anywhere.
Last weekend I did make the acquaintance of a young woman who was particularly interesting. Maybe I’ll be brave and try to see if anything is there.
Earlier this year I relented and re-upped with Match.com. They offered a sale price along with a six-month guarantee. The terms of the guarantee are that I must keep my profile active, keep a primary photo visible, and reach out to five unique women every month.
It’s not going very well.
Of the 23 women I have e-mailed there was exactly one that I was really hoping would reply. She did, but either just wasn’t interested or I failed to keep the conversation going. 12 have not even read the e-mail I sent, most likely indicating that they are not paying members of the site. Of the remaining 11, three no longer have visible profiles. This means they have either suspended their account or blocked me personally. Yes, sometimes people will block you for saying nothing more that “Hi, how’s it going?”
One new interesting revelation: You can search by keyword. Alas, you can only search for a single keyword at a time and not by phrases. However, it’s still useful. Searching by the keyword “art” I still found 2000+ matches. Searching for “artist” narrowed down the results to 161. Searching for the keyword “bookstore” narrowed it down to just 27. Interesting.
My Match.com subscription had lapsed at the beginning of November or thereabouts. Shortly after the new year they offered a substantial discount on their subscriptions and I sprung for the six-month package which comes with a guarantee: If I do not find a match within six months, I get another six months of the service free. The catch being I have to keep an active profile and e-mail five unique women each moth. No problem.
I have noticed there are quite a few new women that have joined since I was last on. That’s good. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found those magic words that elicit a reply to my e-mails and I still have difficulty getting women to view my profile. And I’m still looking for someone a little bit different (like myself). Do all these women really like sports that much, or is that just what they think men want to hear?
Of course, I also feel like I should be paying more attention or making more of an effort towards the single women not on Match.com. Surely there are lots of them. Not sure where to meet them or how to introduce myself.
That’s what I call the period from Thanksgiving Week until January 2. If you didn’t meet someone before then and manage to score a first date, your odds have dramatically decreased that you’ll do so before the end of the year. This isn’t scientific, just a hunch.
The thing is there are just too many things going on between now and the end of the year. Trying to fit a first date in there and give it the attention it deserves is unlikely to happen. You can go ahead and try though.
Since My Last Post...
My Match.com subscription has expired. I wasn’t too worried about it at first because the 2-5 women I was most interested in had disappeared or were otherwise non-responsive. Also, I was so diligent about rating the Daily Matches that I started to run out of them. However, they are offering me a pretty good price on another three months and I might have to take them up on it. There’s bound to be a rush after the New Year when scores of singles resolve not to be single for another year.
In the meantime I’ve been doing the Bumble thing. Bumble is interesting because you both have to swipe right on each other (like Tinder), but only the women can choose to make first contact. Like anything else it is a numbers game and there are very few women I won’t swipe right on because I know they also have to swipe right on me and then choose to contact me. I hate that it’s primarily based on looks. The section for writing about yourself does not allow for many characters.
One thing I’m finding that interesting is that a number of women add their Instagram account ID. Is that because they are wanting someone to follow them on Instagram and approach them that way? Since when did Instagram become a dating site?
It’s been a little over two months since I first started my Match.com adventure. I’ve learned a lot. And yet, still no date.
In the last couple of weeks I have had quite a few women check out my profile multiple times. They checked me out, came back four or five hours later and checked me out again, and then came back the next day and checked me out some more. Most of them I have e-mailed (Two exceptions: One that I’m on the fence about and one that seems too religious for my taste). So why don’t they write back?
My hypothesis is that as soon as you reply to an e-mail, it becomes real. For all the good that could come from it, our past experience tells us there is bad that can come from it, too. Otherwise we’d all be living happily ever after with the first person we agreed to go on a date with. What do you think?
Some things just won’t pass muster, but I’m trying to be more flexible these days and thinking about deal breakers. In general, I don’t think they are a good idea; you could really be missing out on a great person because of a single trait.
Maybe your deal breakers fall under one of these categories.
Lifestyle/Beliefs
Do you smoke? Are you vegan? Are you religious? Atheist? Republican? Democrat? Could you be with someone who was the opposite of whichever of those things you are?
For the most part I think I could be. The trick is both of you not wanting to change the other, and believing that the opposing trait is not stupid. And sometimes I think it would be great to date someone who was different. I used to be healthier and I dabbled with the vegan thing. One of my bucket list items is to go rock climbing and maybe if I dated a woman who was more active I would have that support to reach my own goals. Maybe if I dated a librarian I would read more books.
Kids
Do you have kids? Want kids? Love kids? Can’t stand ‘em? Lots of variables going on here. I always thought I wanted to have children someday, but now I feel a little more flexible and if I fell for a woman who didn’t want them I suppose I could get by with spoiling my nephew and niece. Dating someone who has kids and when you do not may be another can of worms. They’ve got a little family unit going already. How would you transition into that down the road?
Physical Attractiveness
None of us wants to admit to being shallow, but certainly there are physical traits we find more desirable than others. I can honestly say I’ve been attracted to women of all shapes, sizes, and color. And yet, I’m not attracted to every woman I meet. So what is it? Maybe it’s the way they walk, the ways their eyes move around the room. Maybe it’s undefinable. In some ways I wonder if modern dating sites do us a disservice by having pictures. I bet we’d take a chance and meet up with a lot more people if we weren’t allowed to see them first.
Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’d do better online if I hit the gym regularly and could declare myself “about average” instead of “a few extra pounds”.
Height
This does not concern me whatsoever, but I’ve found a number of women who specify in their profiles that their date must either be taller that she is or 6′ tall or taller. Myself I clock in right at the six foot mark, but I could start shrinking any day now. However, it’s kind of a turn off when a woman is that particular even if I meet the requisite height. Ladies, you could be missing out on a whole bunch of great men if this is your attitude!
Income
I don’t care if you’re unemployed and live with your parents. Shit happens. Yet it’s still something you can specify in a dating profile and I’ve seen some women say their partner better make $100,000+ a year. Wouldn’t you rather have your marriage be about love than a business arrangement designed to your first world comforts?
Of course there are a wide range of deal breakers. Check out what Psychology Today had to say about the Top 9 Relationship Deal Breakers. There are some things I didn’t even think about and some that are just a given that I didn’t think to mention. Guess what: Not going to date you if you’re married. That’s a deal breaker I’ll own up to.
Finishing off my top ten list of songs about love with numbers five through one.
If you didn’t see the first five on the list, check out Part 1.
5. I’m Always In Love - Wilco
This is such a favorite of mine that I’ve covered it acoustically many times myself. This live acoustic version is pretty great.
4. Our House - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
This is a nice little song about a couple dividing the household chores to make a home for themselves. Tell me you haven’t heard this before. I dare you.
3. Don’t Forget Me - Neko Case
*sigh* Why can’t Neko Case be on Match.com (and in a 20 miles radius)? This is a cover of a Harry Nilsson song, but I love the way Neko sings it and this live version from Austin City Limits gives the album version a run for it’s money.
2. Love Interruption - Jack White
I’ve been a Jack White an since I first heard “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground” on the radio. This twisted little song about love was the first single from his solo album, Blunderbuss.
1. I Have To Say I Love You In A Song - Jim Croce
Jim Croce got it. Sometimes we have to express the way we feel with things other than words.
That’s my list. What’s on your Top Ten list for songs about love?
Love. It’s a thing most of us want at one point or another. It’s why I started this whole Tumblr, right? It’s also a recurring theme throughout film, literature, and music. So today I’m sharing my top ten songs about love.
10. Love Is The Thing - The 88
I never even knew who The 88 were until I stumbled across this song. The gimmick is that they recorded the whole thing on an iPhone. And not even an iPhone 6, but whatever iPhone was being made over seven years ago. Check out the making of video if you dig this song.
9. In My Life - The Beatles
This is probably not specifically about romantic love, but that’s okay. Check out those harmonies. How can you not love this song?
8. Cigarette - Ben Folds Five
This is kind of an outlier. It’s a short melancholy ditty about a man who is doing all he can to take care of his ailing wife. It puts the whole “in sickness and in health” thing into a bit of perspective. Also, here’s a cool fan made animation to go along with it.
7. 40 Day Dream - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
This might not quite quality as a song about love, but he sings about a woman off and on. I’m a sucker for the lines “She got jumper cable lips / She got sunset on her breath / I inhale just a little bit / Now I have no fear of death.”
6. Some Postman - The Presidents of the United States of America
This pop song about a postman stealing love letters is from The Presidents’ third album, Love Everybody. How did these guys not get more attention?
Wait, that’s only half! Continue to the last half of the list to find the number one song.
