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@david--conway-blog
Went home over the holidays and my friends little girl is probably the cutest baby in the world
Ah dude, I have to bring some reality into your life. Babies are not, nor will they ever be, cute. For one, they're always covered in snot and their own regurgitated funk. Two, they stink. And I don't think I need a third reason.
Can it be New Years Eve already?
Christmas was nice, don’t get me wrong, but I always get excited about the 31st. It’s the time of the year when the futures seems the brightest, you know?
You're that optimistic one, aren't you? Well I can't say that's an unpleasant trait because some people need someone to brighten their day. However, remember that too much optimism can drive others away. So that brings me to Rule #5...you have to learn to trust me. I have a lot of meaningful and useful advice, which you, Lauren Hale, should take seriously. David only has your best interests at heart, you know. And to answer your proceeding question...Yes, I know your name. Detective David always gets the job done.
@iputtheDinDavid: Happy Belated Holidays!
Dear David,
I am, but that just enforced the fact that ‘M not goin’ home alone and that I’m gonna have a damn time. Not everyone can handle the single life mate, and if you’re asking yourself to this dance thing I don’t think that’s a good sign that you can. Right. Well good luck with that. Most the broads around here seem to get pretty attached and rather quickly. If the guy did anything romantic for ‘em, they’re giving it up to them that night.
Right, or you're tryin' to trick your mind into thinking that you can survive with just one woman for the rest of your life. Your bed routine has got to get old at some point, dude. Maybe you could actually benefit from this dance. We'll all be so wasted that we won't know who's who. So that means you can get some different pussy and won't get penalized by your wife because I'm sure she'll be doin' some other guy. Look, I've been single for most of my life and it's workin' out just fine for me. Sometimes you just have to be real with yourself and go it alone. It called being independent. You wouldn't understand the concept seeing as your tied down by that ring on your finger. Well if that's the case, then those women wouldn't meet my expectations anyhow. Therefore, they're not worth my time. I'll find someone though. It just a matter of time and patience...or assertiveness. Maybe I should target your little wifey first.
Dear David,
And I’m usually not the type to let a guy win but it’s just one of those days where I don’t mind taking a loss. I rather just smile and nod.
Well I appreciate your somewhat kind of offer to be that spark-haha. Your debut? For what?
Oh, you're trying to make me feel special. I see what you did there. So I'll just consider this a forfeit because I love your smile. Keep doin' that will ya?It brightens my day.
No problem. Anytime. You just let me know when that spark is needed. My debut for the prom, of course. I have to make an impression. You know, keep up my reputation of being the most desirable man on this show.
Dear David,
Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night. I am but I’m not exactly worried. If I want to go then I’ll go, I don’t need a date for that.
Oh, I sleep perfectly fine especially with you by my side. Your face says otherwise, but I won't question you. I don't want to end up at the bottom of the ocean. So if you feel like getting rid of that death stare of yours, we can continue our conversation. Even if you do get a date we can still hang out before and after the dance.
Dear David,
Oh I can. And I will quite easily.
Then why aren't you turning away?
Dear David,
Dude you are exactly right! Why is it that the men always have to do all the work? True, because I plan on going home with someone no matter if it’s my date or not. I need to give you more credit clearly.
My friend, it's because all women are turning into feminists. They think that they rule this world, but we really know who's in charge. Am I right? I mean men were built to be the more dominant sex for a reason. I hear that. We'll just take home whoever we have the best time or will have the best time later on with. I can't take all the credit, but I will.
Dear David,
No I actually don’t, even though you apparently think I do. It’s called expressions, people use them on their face when they talk.
Well that face of yours is unpleasing to the eye, which leads me to think that you have a problem. But that's your business, man. Just make sure you handle that before going out in public. I don't know what that was, but it was not an expression.
Dear David,
No judgement here, bro. You do you (that statement might be literal in your case).
Trust me, you’ll see one there soon enough.
Female kangaroos have three vaginas.
Thanks, man. You know I have to do me. Yeah, that could be taken literally as well, but what man doesn't? Not all women can get it done.
I don't see a rose. You sure you got that girl of yours on lock?
Damn, dude. No way! That'd be too much work for one male kangaroo. I see why they handle their women in packs.
Group Text: Cam and Jamie
David: Cam, how 'bout you come to the dance with me instead of my loser cousin. I'll need to know what color dress you're wearing so I can get that flower wrist band. Cool.
David: Jamie, suck my dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10
No, you don’t get it, and you aren’t going to get it. The actual reasons aren’t for you to get. I save those reasons for the best guy here anyway. Psst - that isn’t you.
Well you are the least descriptive female that I've ever met so I had no idea what you were talking about. But now I do. You're one of those hinter types. So here's a tip for ya, babe. Less clothin' means more lovin'. Now take that back to your man and you're welcome.
Dear David,
Would you like a broken nose to distract you?
Oh, calm down. Don't take everything so seriously. Take a moment and have a good laugh. Maybe you'll actually be able to do this thing called relaxation.
Dear David,
Ew. Why would I want to?
Because you can't resist this...
Dear David,
Someone’s conceited.
Someone's just jealous. I'm guessing you're still without a date, Cam?
Dear David,
Well shit man, I’m pretty full of myself too but even I wouldn’t ask myself. That takes some major balls, good for you.
I'm just trying to be a role model for my fans. Why can't the ladies ask us to the dance? Plus, the people that go together never leave together so you feel me? I won't be leaving that dance solo. Good luck to you though.
