How do I define a healthy BDSM relationship?
Another answer to some questions that my friend @aplaceforfleetingthoughts suggested in our writting prompts topic on Discord group.
Like every relationship, whether vanilla or BDSM, there are premises that are fundamental for both parties to feel good, happy, living to the best of their potential, in short, living this relationship in a healthy way.
That said, what I'm going to describe here are values that I prioritize in my relationships, whether vanilla or BDSM. The difference I will highlight is how these same values become 200% necessary and important when I live a BDSM relationship, after all, there is supposed to be a greater emotional intensity when surrendering to this dynamic, because of the well-defined hierarchy.
Communication is the key of trust: a healthy relationship cannot have lies or omissions that take away the other person's decision-making power over the direction of that relationship. As much as I understand the countless emotional insecurities, unfulfilled desires, or even resentments from relationships of many years, the fact is that lies, betrayals, secrets and/or omissions are not healthy acts in a relationship. As much as we have human and understandable reasons, these acts in themselves are not good (afterall, no one would want to have someone doing this to themselves, right?). Unfortunately in the vanilla world this happens too much. If you are going to transpose this to BDSM, it will get worse.
The act of dominating someone requires creating a safe and trusting environment for the other person to submit. Therefore, Doms should not lie or withhold information from their subs. Much less use emotional blackmail, or other forms of psychological abuse to get what they want. That's not a safe D/s, that's a toxic relationship. A healthy BDSM relationship is based on open communication, which includes the ethical duty of using the safe word (that makes clear the submissive's limits in the dynamic, whether during a session, or as a symbolic act of her remembering that the Dom's will ends where his sub's well-being is threatened).
Freedom and individuality: it's the famous expression "before dating so-and-so, I was already a whole person." Or "before being a sub/Dom, I am a human being". Healthy BDSM, in my opinion, is meant to add to your life, not reduce or limit who you are. I think it's reckless for a person to completely lose their identity to live for someone else. A Dom's domination is healthy when he guides his sub to develop her best potential. And she, in return, will also help him develop his.
So healthy relationships don't take you away from spending time with friends, work, your hobbies, your basic needs of spending time alone, resting, etc. Even though the sub is united to the Dom by a strong bond of devotion, she is still free and autonomous to a large extent, as a human being. Just as a Dom is not limited to be a 24/7 kind of nanny, there will be days when he needs to take care of him, have more time for himself, in short, everything discussed between the couple.
A healthy relationship is one in which people do not forget that they freely chose to be in it - and if it is no longer good for both of them, they can (or rather, should) change it at any time and, if it is not resolved, leave.
Making mistakes is human, trying to improve even more: Doms and subs are humans and will mess things up, many times. Just as it is an act of maturity to stop seeing our fathers and mothers as unbeatable superheroes, free from any flaws (so much therapy to deal with so much resentment later, right, dear child?), a healthy and mature BDSM relationship is realizing that there is no secret formula for the perfect couple.
Doms will make mistakes and contradict themselves in commands or tasks (frequency, consistency, motivation or lack of it for him or the sub), in punishments (intensity, context, modalities), in aftercare (he was too clingy and she wanted time alone, he was further away and she needed his presence closer haha), in short, so many possibilities! And what about the subs then? They will make mistakes not only in the execution of tasks, but also in the motivation that is built over time (they think they can go to a certain point in a task, or the idea of completing a certain task, creates expectations for both Doms and subs and then they become frustrated).
People are human, they want something, then they get discouraged. This does not reduce the relationship, if communication is good about each person's feelings and the goals they want to achieve together. That's where a good dose of flexibility comes in, no pride in apologizing, dedicating yourself to improving, show affection, more communication. Until things flow better over time. So a healthy BDSM relationship is when you know you and your partner can and will fail, and that's ok. That will make you both stronger in your bond.
Well-being and pleasure for both. Both! Ok, even though your sub openly says that she wants to be a dumb doll, without any type of "thought" or "will", that her use is purely and simply to give you pleasure. You, as Dom, can never forget that this speech and this dynamic exists to give pleasure to both of you. Yes, as much as it makes you super excited to see her being reduced to a small pantry of your semen. She is still a human being, a living being, full of feelings and expectations in this relationship or dynamic (even if it is a very casual BDSM session). Her pleasure and well-being must never disappear from the horizon.
And Doms are not your 24/7 babysitter, for Bacchus's sake! The most loving and dedicated Daddy in the world, who loves to spoil you, also has feelings. And he very well may one day not be in the mood to give you a massage, or give you a bath, or have sex. Yes, Doms can (should) also say no if they feel uncomfortable for some reason. The couple's safe word should also apply to them, if a trigger is triggered during or outside the session, why not? His pleasure and well-being must be respected, as much as the sub's. This is what makes a BDSM relationship healthy too.
I think these are my cornerstones that base the structure of everything I consider a good BDSM relationship. That's what I'm looking for to built together with my Daddy right now. And even if I live another BDSM or even vanilla relationship, the bases are the same, what changes is the context and intensity.
