pickled thoughts

jars of thought, waiting to be fermented

[davishhhh]

About Facebook and looking for a job and friends and Katherines

It is quite funny how people passed through your life without you knowing it. 

I was cleaning my Facebook wall, you know, because I’m looking for a job and I don’t want any embarrassing or stupid post ruins the chance for me. I have heard a lot of stories about that, yeah. I don’t even know why I reactivated my Facebook ?? Should have keep it deactivate and avoid all these mess. So, I was just scrolling and deleting weird posts on my wall, and reading them made me realize, I knew these people and they knew about me. A lot of people reply to the hashtag challenge which was trended on Facebook few years ago (You like their post, and they will put #theirimpressionsaboutyou on your wall). At one point during my highschool years, I was so active on social media. All the birthdays were wished, all the Christmas and New Year and Lunar New Year and Valentine and University Exam, I tagged my ‘friends’ and, well, said something nice. Reading all these posts really separates the me now and the me 5 6 years ago. My last Facebook post was almost 2 years ago. My friend list went from full (around 5000 friends) to 119. My FB probably was deactivated for a good 1.5 years up until recently, when I decided I want to know what is going on with some real friends. But really, it probably just because I want to have an excuse to not do something else. I always laugh at the memes about how people open social media apps, close it, and then open it again right after, circling through like 5 apps. I thought, what a pathetic life, unproductive and meaningless. Here I am, circling through Facebook, Instagram, Reddit endlessly, even though I just closed them 2 seconds ago. 

You always hope for something new and interesting to happen, to be reported, to be shared. It keeps your mind busy for a while. But then you never really think about that ‘friend’ who commented on your post last week, and you will not notice that is the last time you guys ‘interact’. Few years passed, you sit there and cleaning posts, and it just struck you with the “Oh yeah, that guy, I wonder what’s going on with him now”. And you move on, and to remember about him after few more years, if you didn’t delete that post. Or else then, farewell. 

I begin to think the saying Out of sight Out of mind is true. They need to hold a very special place in your mind in order to be relevant in your life, without meeting them for like, 2 weeks? Friends like Kate or Kathy (funny how both of my best friends chose the Katherine name - which means ‘pure’ in Greek I think, and none of them are pure at all. But that’s for another jar) are so so rare for me. You can talk to them for hours and hours, then disappear for 1 month and then pick up the conversation right where it was left. And mostly through Messenger. I have known both of them for about over 5 years. I met Kathy twice during our first 4 years knowing each other. With Kate was a bit better but after we finished college, not much hanging out anymore. The point is, they stay in my mind because they are somewhat special for me right? And to argue that one has to be physically next to you to develop that kind of relationship is bullshit because me and Kathy exist. So how does 2 minds come connect to each other and attach for that long, while you will probably forget about that classmate you study together for 4 years, right after graduation. 

I know it should be really easy to understand. I just cannot. Reminder to read a book about how people become friends, or best friend to be exact. I tried to search but everything they say is ohhhh you have similarities or you are just too different so you guys attract each other like magnets yada yada yada. Give me a break, if Kate is a pen, Kathy is a leaf, then I will be a table. Yeah because there is nothing similar, nor opposite about us. Maybe somehow we understand each other?

What am I trying to say anyway? You forget things too easy, and people are just one of those thing. It is weird to think that, this might be the last interaction between you and someone. Of course, it’s not that important to the people we barely know, it just weird me out. 

[davishhhh]

Unsent

Relationship, in any form, begins with communication. You meet someone, talk to them, add them on Facebook, message them. That’s how it goes, usually. From there it advances to different directions.Maybe you message them daily, maybe once in a while, depends on how the conversations go. Sometime you just stop messaging them, because they don’t have that ‘click’. You leave their messages unread, unseen, unanswered. I think the American call this “ghosting”. 

Ghosting / Definition When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.

What if you are the one that has been ghosted? You are left behind. Your life goes on. Their life goes on. But that last exact moment between you and that person is frozen, and slowly drifting away. This is the crossing point between 2 lines, you know, the one they always use to describe how a relationship will go. Either 2 parallel lines that never meet, or 2 lines that cross each other then part away. 

Does it feels bad? You are left there hanging, wondering what did you do, what did you say. You feel like you guys were actually pretty close, no? Sent, sent, sent. Messages storm to their inbox. You see their active status but it remains unseen. The end. Yeah, that is the crossing point. 

I have never been ghosted. Not from the people I care enough. 

I ghosted people before. The ones I cared about. In my mind, I thought I was doing good thing. Hey we have crossed our point let’s move on, that was what I thought. I do feel bad, guilty, all of that, of course. But I was doing good thing, right? For both of us. There was no point stretching a teared paper. Better leave it there. Or maybe I just didn’t have the courage to tell them directly. I was scared of the disappointment, the hate, the sobbing, the begging, the hate again. So better I didn’t know any of that, I mean, at least not from them. 

One told me why I didn’t say what I felt. Another told me to be a man and said what I wanted to say. Both ended up horribly, because I ghosted them and thought our lines were just gonna part away. I didn’t know with the parting, the feeling that attached the lines was stretched out in between, and it hurts doing so. One of my friends told me I don’t have to responsible for how other feels, just myself, my own feelings (as long as I wasn’t being an asshole). Set aside the fact that I probably was an asshole, but did I feel better? Were my feelings protected from the disappointment, the hate, the sobbing, the begging? I guess not, they all came from myself. 

“You never know if you never try”, that was what Kate told me. I don’t know if I have tried enough, maybe not. I always rush. I rush to meet people, rush to add them on Facebook, rush to message them, and rush to not-even-say-bye. That was the last for me, I need to stop doing that. Just don’t send that first “Hi nice to meet you”, and the lines go on, as parallel as they will ever be. 

To be honest, an unsent message is probably better than an unseen one, no?

[davishhhh]

1st jar

This supposed to be a private blog. I probably will never read any of these again, and my English sucks so. If somehow someone is reading this then, you are in for a treat (no you are not)

I was gonna write all of this down, but as a member of the lazy society, I guess only moving my fingers is the best option.

Kate showed me her blog few days ago. I didn’t know she writes. I mean, I always know her artistic side, how she perceives things around her so beautifully. That, I jealous of. Not how she see things through her eyes, but how she can put it down, through her mind, telling exactly how she feels. I don’t even know how I feel. Thoughts come and go by itself, I never take my time to look at it. Sometime I avoid them intentionally, too. It always come back, somehow. I heard if you let them out they will not come back, so here I am. So what do I want to put in this jar, the 1st jar of the season?

I’m in pain. Because of the gym yeah. My arms, my chest, my legs, my body is tired, literally. This month is probably the most productive time of my life in the past 5 years. I read books, I go to gym, I learn to drive, I take Chinese class. Suddenly I just have a lot of time. Time is a dangerous concept. Somehow you always have to fit everything in these little 24 hours you have in a day. It doesn’t matter what you do in a day, it stays 24 hours. You begin to fill it up with work, social life, hobby, necessities, maybe some sleep when you run out of things to do or your body cannot take it anymore. In between these activities, your brain multitask and it drifts away on its own. By you I meant I and by your, my. Sometime it drifts to the heavy side of memories, and you are snapped out. You ran your fingers through these memories, which managed to escape the box in the corner, and shoved them back in, a sense of bittersweet fills your body. If lucky, it will stay there quietly. When you have too much time, it eats you inside out. Time heals too, really. It allows you to put more and more boxes on top of that little one in the corner, then you forget about it. Temporally, or permanently, who knows.

Does this writing help? Maybe it’s like sorting out the boxes, and hope it doesn’t collapse on you. That’s why you need to go to the gym. Then you will be strong enough to carry all the boxes. Until now, it is still really messy around here. I just need some more time, and some more jar.