I was thinking about a conversation I had recently, and I would like to know whether you think I spoke appropriately in the situation.
One day I was listening to this white boy talk. I wasn't saying anything, I just allowed him to talk my ear off. After talking for a while, suddenly his voice gets low, and his speech pattern goes from ramble to pointed "I am going to tell you one of my fears because you are the only Black lady I trust not to attack me, and listen first.". Something like that. I'm not joking, this was said with a straight face, and full honesty. I was aware at the time that this boy was not very socially...inclined, so I didn't visibly react.
Anyway, he continues to explain this fear to me, after I give him a nod to proceed. And I did as he trusted I would do, I listened.
He talked about how 'people' (referring to POC), trying to change the racial hierarchy scares him, and why he fears 'progressive' thinking and the push for 'diversity' in positions of power. And his final point was that he feared that straight white CIS men would be "pushed to the bottom" of the racial hierarchy. Something like that.
He wanted to know if I thought that was a justified fear.
I waited for beat, so I could figure out how I was going to articulate what I wanted to say to him, so I wouldn't make him feel stupid. I honestly wanted him to continue to trust me, so he wouldn't go and do this with someone else, and get beat up by some other, shorter tempered Black person. He was probably regurgitating whatever his parents had been telling him his whole life.
Finally I said "You may not understand this, but only white people think that way. Only white people think there has to be a group at the bottom and a group at the top. Only white people believe the only way to live is to have someone beneath you. But nobody is trying to find a new scapegoat. A different group of people to step on. No one is trying to swap the dynamics of white and Black people. All 'we' are trying to do is achieve equality. White people just struggle so much with adopting this one simple thing. White people can't even imagine it, they can't even fathom. It is not a part of the equation."
And I cringed at my own words. I could not tell you why.
For a while there was silence. The boy muttered some things to me I can't remember, and thanked me for listening.
But now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm worried whether or not I said the right thing. Because he trusted me. Even though I know it is impossible to speak for the entire Black diaspora, as one Black person. And I almost wanna say I feel bad?
For this cis white man- idc how socially awkward he is- to take his feelings and reveal them to you safely implies he believed y'all had that sort of open and vulnerable relationship. Which meant he needed to be equally vulnerable and open to hearing an honest reply from the very demographic that suffers some of the most at his Being At The Top Of The Hierarchy. Essentially, once he treated you like Confession, he was in position to hear the Priest's Answer. If he didn't want an honest answer- and you gave him a very well thought out one- he shouldn't have asked.
Because admitting to that fear is admitting that he is a afraid of losing the benefits that come with being racist, benefits from white supremacy. I appreciate that he was honest! HOWEVER, while you can be kind in reply, there is no real, self-respecting answer one could give that didn't involve replying that his fears are based in racism. That his fear is insignificant and not justified at all in comparison to the violence and damage done to those whose necks are stepped on to maintain that hierarchy.
So, tldr: I'm sure he's a nice guy but fuck his feelings on this one. You have nothing to be sorry about. You were more than gracious and direct. He wanted an answer, he got it, now he must live with it. Hurt white feelings ≠ continued oppression.