Dà Xiàng Lóng

Just me Dà Xiàng Lóng (大象龍) being crazy. Venting here at times. I have BPD, a bad temper and mood disorder. My posts may seem crazy at times.

[daxianglong]

Been a minute

Have not been on here in a minute. Been busy with life.

[daxianglong]

Returning.....

I want to return to want I know. I miss the woman who changed my world when I was young. I wish I knew what happened to her but she just disappeared when I no longer needed her. Which is weird in itself. I am not to sure how I should go back to the lifestyle I left behind those many years ago. My friends use to go to a place called house of Scorpio? or some thing like that. I prefer to just prance in to a scene and watch. I am not some 50 shade of Grey fan. I been a 100 shades of bless for about 12 to 16 years. Give or take. Either way, I am returning. The submissive Mistress of the night Raven is returning.

[daxianglong]

136. Love Yourself First

[daxianglong]

New life....

I am finally ready to pull a way from the past darkness I called life. The life of living in wolf clothing just to stop being my true self with no control. I can finally break free of the abyss I fell in to as a child. Being told you are like your father is damaging to a child's mind. Hearing my Mother (adopted) all so say this did not help matters. Having her say that I am just like her as well as I grew more. Knowing that I could be this lady's twin in behavior. A woman who took pleasure in seeing you in pain or crying wishing you was dead. And I am just like her. I saw pleasure in the torture I would give to love ones. Knowing that now I am free of Mother and daddy. Knowing that my conyrol that i had was lost because of Mother nuturing my trait. I can finally be myself. I am used to wearing wolf's clothing. But I like to break a way from that. Maybe I am free... maybe I am not. It is up to me. Maybe.... I am who I want to be. I am me. My Mother from time to time would even threaten to hunt me down and kill me. If I did not act the way she wanted me to. Which was being like her and less like my daddy (who had some control). With her being a doctor and surgeon. She had "strings" to pull. She could get a way with just about any thing. Funny thing is because of my "string" pulling. I to, was able to get a way with things. Though i never physically abused anyy one. Verbally was more my thing. And throwing things. I was glad that on my request she went to get help. Though I miss her. But Mother being gone allowed me to "take off" the sheep clothing and just BREATHE. I am the one that holds the power to my true self. I am the dragon soaring in the open night skies. I am the elephant roaming free on pride rock fearing nothing, no even hunters. I am not a Diamond. I am not Christmas and at the same time I am...... I am not a wolf wearing sheep clothing hiding in the bushes.... I am me..... I AM THE ELEPHANT WITH A DRAGON'S HEART!

[daxianglong]

After Christmas

So I remembered what mom had said. Well more like asked when she knows the answer. I am a asthmatic with seasonal allergies. One of them being trees and the mold that grows on them. Tell me why she asked me (and she had apparently asked before she said) why we cannot have a living tree for Christmas. For one: I am allergic. For two: I am the one that has to take it out. For three: We do not have the money to care for a tree for the amount of time we keep the Christmas tree (fake one) up. Of course she had answer to my allergies of trees. "It would be a pine tree. And the fake one you grew up with was pine scented". Funny, I never smiled a scent from that tree except for the cookies that were in bags hanging on the tree. My mother is full of shit (bae)! Oh well. New year. Classes start in about two days. Six months of classes and three months of internship. And I am ready to work by 2016. Get my house by (hopefully) 2020. Get my boo and my babies. And I will be happy. Doing the job I love, going home to the people I love. I AM RICH LIKE THAT. (Love rich)

[daxianglong]

Coming back....

It has been some time since I posted on this tumblr. Just do not post like I used to. It is 2014 after Christmas. And I have gone back to smoking. I been smoking for about 3 or 4 months. I quit at the top of the year in January. I started smoking....well....vaping eCigarettes. And I loved it. I vaped for about 4 months I think. Some time in May I was no longer vaping. I had decided to see if I still like smoking like an idiot. But I had went back to smoking black and milds. Those little cigars. I would only smoke about 2 or 3 a week and about 6 a months. In July, I decided to just smoke cigarettes again. I can stopped for a month because I had oral surgery in August. I went back to smoking in September or October. But I got sick in October. Had a sore throat and my bronchitis activate again. So I did not smoke. While some smokers would still smoke. I stop. Thanksgiving passed. I made pumpkin pie my way. Mom did not like it but yet still ate it. No one forces you to eat food you do not like. But you forced me to eat the pie the way you like it. Which tasted like vomit when hot. I could only eat it cold. And after a while I just ate to please you. Which never works when it comes to food. One moment you are telling me that I eat to much. When you do not know how much of the food I am getting. I do not eat big meals. Never had when I was old enough to cook for myself. But then you say I am not eating enough. Make up your mind. I remember a time when you accused me of eating a burger. It was summer or fall. I do not eat red meat during hot or warm weather. So accusing me of eating an extra burger in the middle of the night. Is just plain dumb. No way I would have been able to sleep with that in my stomach. But you kept accusing me of eating some thing I hated. I got tired of it and wanted you to stop. So I said I did. Just to get her to leave me alone. You all ways accused me of things. When brother was trying to figure out how he could have spent all of his money. And you told him that I stoled it and that you would gave it back to him because I took it. I had my own money. That YOU GAVE ME. You know.....ALLOWANCE! When I got older, I asked you about it. And your answer was "it WAS you because you had all this money." The money you handed over to me as allowance was me having all this money? That I saved up. All the money I had came from you and birthday cards. All that was saved up to buy you a fucking gift. And you turned on me. Well....my brother turning on me was more of a shock than my mother turning on me. You was never really a mother to me like you kinda are now. You got me a gift. A tool to help me clean my face. Which I am happy about because me and friends were looking at this tool. We love it. As for what you said under your breathe that you thought I did not hear you. Saying some thing to the cords of "I got it because your face is dirty". Like I do not wash my face? Are you serious right now? You must be! You know you have be having trouble keeping the area around my high cheek bones clean. You know that the dust from the park just stays there because I have oily skin on my face. You said some thing else that Christmas day to. But I stop listening. Like my friend, I doubt I could live with you in my own home. Well....any way. I made pie again. And this time mom loved it. But I do not care. I made it for my brother and myself. I will quit smoking again. As I am sick again. Coughing and all that. No mucus though. Blowing my nose like crazy. This blog as gone on for to long. No one sees this any way. It is just for me to bitch and vent. 大象龍

[daxianglong]

I honestly feel that my girlfriend has BPD. But of course her jumping the gun and blaming me for things means nothing. Maybe she is not ready to be in a relationship.

[daxianglong]

[daxianglong]

Help me get more points for my Amazon gift card! Download this app on your Android and input my invitation code n1914586

[daxianglong]

First days of the new year....

And we fight. Well not fight but argue over some thing so small. She was telling me about her mother complaining about the TV shows being bad or not like Law and Order SVU. And I was telling her that there are other shows for y'all to watch. But she took it the wrong way like all ways when it comes to me. I am wondering about her. Maybe she has BPD to.

[daxianglong]

Been awhile......

Since I posted on this name. I have a new Tumblr and I post there some times. Things been a little hard for me. Got hit by a car in December a week before Christmas. Got into a fight, no, an argument with my girlfriend. I some times wonder if things will work out between us. I love her but I feel at times that I am the only in it. You see she lives in Florida and I am in New York. So the distance is hard on us both. And I hope to see her this year. But who knows. But I feel she is not in it any more. She says that she wants me home. Wants to be home with me and our children. But she does not act like it. Maybe I am just reading yoooous much in to but that is what I am seeing with my eyes. She may see things differently than I do. I hope that my brain and heart are just playing with me. I am not falling out of love with her. This space that my interwebs caused to happen is great. I can breathe and see clearly and so can she. Hopefully she does see more clearly. She had lied to me a year or so ago that caused our relationship to be on the rocks and ended my relationship with my two daughters. I am now trying to get that relationship back with the one I have left. I lost a daughter in February of 2012. I have one in college and we do not speak as much as we use to. I had since apologized for my actions towards my child. I have another that I consider a baby even though she was 13 at the time. See I have Borderline Personality Disorder with a temper and a mood disorder. I did not abuse my girls physically but I did damage mentally and verbally. And nothing I do will fix that. Nor do I want to fix that. I want to better myself and get better control over myself, so I do not hurt them like that again. Shockingly I did the same to my girlfriend. So I should not be shocked that she lied so big. But lying about children that you made me believe that were mines. Made me believe that the unthinkable happened to one of them is down right cruel and mean in my book. But enough about that. I am going to listen to Katy Perry and rock out now that I got that off my chest on this Tumblr. Goodnight and happy New Year.

[daxianglong]

Missing something....

Big part of me is so far gone Nothing I do will change This never ending nightmare Everything I say just makes it worse Never heard a word, not even a whisper Missing something, I cannot put a finger on it Should I leave it alone? Or try and die trying? Not one word since that day I had to go early I am sure she understood But bright days are coming And I will be there for every single minute of it!!

I sometimes hate being a long distance mother. If I hurt this much, I am sure my little ones are hurting too. I will be glad when I can have them home finally.

Night....

[daxianglong]

My pen.

My pen gone, since junior high. I had it for years. Its my pen, my pen..... Ooooooh no, it's gone. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Help me find my pen.

My pen just walked the door. I'm kidding. Ha. But my pen gone. Its gone. Oooooh no. Its gone. My pen, my pen.

I miss my pen.

[daxianglong]

Bow Wow's new album hitting stores soon. Seriously! It is.