10 Traits of a Toxic Friend
I was re-reading my post from the other day about How to tell if heâs The One â because yes, I do read my own blog. More often than I should, actuallyâŚ
I even laugh at the jokes⌠like I didnât make them myself or somethingâŚ
Anyhoo, it occurred to me that the whole âThe one you choose should lift you up, not drag you downâ thing applies to friendships as well, and not just romantic relationships.
Thing is, I think we tend to be more forgiving and less choosy about friends than we are about potential mates. Which actually makes sense, come to think of it. You can have lots of friends, but only one significant other. I hope.
But our friends are a really big part of our lives nonetheless. Their influence is significant, so itâs a mistake to underestimate their effect on our happiness and self-esteem.
Toxic friendships can destroy you. So we need to choose the people we hang around with well â especially since friends are often harder to break up with than love interests.Â
So how do you know if a friend is toxic? Actually, you probably already do, even without anyone having to tell you. Because when youâre with him or her, youâre just EXHAUSTED, and probably more than a little resentful. Â
But if you need a description to be sure, hereâs a good one from Jenn Berman, PhD:
Itâs someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you â sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally. - WebMD
Still not 100% sure? Hereâs a checklist of traits to look out for:
1. Negative to the point of being insulting - You know the type, because you roll your eyes or gnash your teeth every time you see their posts on Facebook (if you havenât hidden or blocked them yet). Theyâre always complaining, they never see the bright side, and they put you and other people down constantly.
2. Unsupportive - Youâre always there for them, but they canât be counted on to be there for you. They downplay (or even make fun of) your achievements and other things that are important to you.Â
3. Envious/jealous/possessive - Theyâre never truly happy for other people because they want what they have. And if they canât have something, no one can.Â
4. Manipulative - Theyâre only nice when they need something, and know all the right buttons to push to make you comply - including emotional blackmail. If you canât give them what they want, you can be sure thereâll be hell to pay in one way or another.Â
5. Selfish/Self-centered - If itâs not about them, or if it doesnât benefit them, they just canât be bothered.Â
6. Immoral - You may like them, but you know you canât trust them. Â Theyâre dishonest and/or unethical and just generally bad news, and they donât normally appreciate advice or judgement from people looking to steer them toward a better path.Â
7. Insincere - They pretend to like/support/be happy for you when theyâre with you, but behind your back itâs a whole other story. Even when theyâre âbeing nice,â thereâs always some sort of catty kicker.Â
8. Unavailable - They expect you to be available for them whenever they need you, but when youâre the one who needs a friend, theyâre too busy to pencil you in. (See #5: Selfish)
9. Inconsiderate - They donât care that their demands are inconvenient, and when you do make sacrifices to accommodate them, theyâre rarely even grateful.
10. A bad influence - They push you to do things youâre uncomfortable with, and egg you on to make bad decisions and poor life choices.
Do you have friends like that? And if you do, should you dump them? Â Hmmm. Good question.Â
Call me idealistic (or even stupid), but Iâve always believed that âbad peopleâ are never bad simply for the sake of being bad, or to make others miserable. Itâs not like itâs something they plan.Â
So in many cases, although some friends may be difficult and semi-toxic, I tend to try to understand where theyâre coming from, and just TELL them when theyâre bugging the hell out of me. That usually works. Because when people are being bad friends, a lot of the time itâs because theyâre just clueless, and you allow them to get away with it.Â
But when a friendship is so toxic that itâs sucking the life and goodness out of you, I think more drastic measures are necessary. Break it off. Just pull the plug. You donât need that kind of crazy shiz in your life.Â
As my imaginary BFF Karen says: