No Matter How Far Ahead I Get, I Always Feel Behind
(In advance: Sorry for the lack of coherency. My mind is all over the place and different aspects of my life over the last 9 months are just popping up randomly)
After 9 months of improving myself and just a relentless pursuit of chasing what I want, I’ve finally reached another one of my goals. There are so many times I could have given up or settled, but I hate admitting failure. I kept telling myself that this obsessive behavior was still acceptable as long as I was not hurting anybody or myself.
Leading up to the interview, I started regressing back to my old self. The one that feels like an impostor before even getting an offer. It’s like I got to used to being an experienced interviewee, but never quite good enough to get an offer. I honestly didn’t know what it would be like to not be in the struggle. Burning through cash to go to school. Stressing out about student loans and credit card debt. It got pretty dark.
I needed to apply artificial pressure because if my financials, paying tuition, and not hearing back from other job applications were not enough, I needed induce a greater and more immediate sense of urgency. I pulled back a lot on simple pleasures. Didn’t see my friends as much, stopped working out for a couple months, cut out video games, TV, most forms of entertainment. Going to that extreme probably hurt me more than it helped, but I was still doing well in school so I figured it was benefiting me somehow. I started questioning everything I’ve done since July of last year. Should I have learned something different? Why didn’t I pick up an unrelated job to help pay the bills? Am I being too picky with my job search? Should I settle for something else? Am I actually good enough for this? I was too headstrong and kept telling myself “There will always be a way to make money. You’ve already lost that time so it’s not worth thinking about it. You know you’re good enough for one more chance. Make this last chance count and move on if it doesn’t work out.” The only thing is that I didn’t have that chance yet. I was waiting on something that might not come around again. Maybe the previous opportunity was my last chance.
It felt like a cruel joke when I got accepted into the User-Centered Design program at UW. I knew I wasn’t going to be moving there and without a job I couldn’t afford to pay rent. On top of that, we needed a new car and I was the only one who had money to help pay. I figured that if my life is going to be going downhill for now, I needed to hit the bottom eventually. Then I can build from there. School couldn’t possibly hurt me more. School is where my best opportunities came from. 300 miles round trip every week? Good thing I just bought a new car. Good luck stopping me.
Of course, life wasn’t done yet. Less than 3 months after I got the new car and started at UW, I got into an accident. I was turning left and someone tried (and definitely failed) to beat a red by speeding through the intersection. All I could think about was that I needed to leave for school in about 3 hours. On the phone I had the insurance company telling me it’s probably going to be my fault because I was turning, there was no camera at the intersection, and regardless of where I was hit can’t prove speeding or running a red light. The worst part about that interaction was the lady who hit me refused to speak English to me and the other driver who she hit after bouncing off of me refused to talk to me, saying “I have no business with you” and talking to the lady who hit me (not in English again). I borrowed my uncle’s car and went to class for the rest of the quarter. I knew if I didn’t hit the bottom yet then something horrible would have to happen to me so it was not worth sitting around feeling sorry for myself. You definitely can’t question my commitment.
After adding pressure by subtracting pleasure, I realized I went about it the wrong way. I needed to rebuild my confidence. I started working out again and immediately started feeling better about myself. I became more disciplined in class and preparing for interviews (although nobody had reach out at this point). Applying out of desperation was definitely the wrong approach. Now I was back to building the best version of me.
Going into the on-campus interview, I knew this was my last chance. I gave myself until the end of this summer before I started looking locally for opportunities. I also said this was the last time I’d apply to this company since this would show I’m not ready. I prepared for 3 weeks straight, save for the first weekend and the Saturday of the second weekend. Otherwise it was sleepless nights, long days, and almost hilariously long walks to workout, explore, and study. I had been preparing slowly over the previous 6 months and now it was time to put it all together with one final push.
Overall I can be a very stubborn person. When there is something I see being worthwhile I am determined to prove myself worthy. It has gotten me into a lot of trouble a few times because it’s difficult for me to accept that my outcome is determined is partially determined by somebody else. Wanting or deserving does not always mean getting no matter how much effort you put in. Sometimes it’s subjectively not a good fit. I struggle with that fact in all aspects of my life.
All I can do is make sure that when it’s something I care about that I give my absolute best. Make sure that when I look back on it that there wasn’t a single thing I could have done better given the circumstances. If my best was not good enough then there is nothing I could be truly upset about. I may have failed in a sense, but it was because I was not ready. Yet. Of course, it doesn’t stop me from being sad immediately after, but it’s a natural response that lets me know that I really care about this.
For once in the past year, my best WAS good enough. When I heard the great news I felt something like this:
It’s the validation and the opportunity I was looking for. All I needed was this one chance to turn things around. Actually hitting my goal was a strange feeling. I got so used to rejection that I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. Every major step in my life has been built on somebody taking a chance on me. I never take those for granted and I always make sure I exceed expectations.
I’m thankful for everybody who has listened to me rant about things going on in my life for the last 9 months (and before that). I know there are times where you probably wish I would just shut up and get out of this mess already, but at least when it came to the professional aspect of my life, I seriously needed this last shot. I wouldn’t have been able to keep my sanity if it weren’t for yall.
To everyone who has helped me at some point in the last 6 years, whether it be at UBC, on co-op, on exchange, or at UW, thank you for everything. Taking a chance on me to join the co-op program late (just before my junior year) was the most significant break I was given, and while I had my struggles throughout every hiring round, where I am now is because of all of that. All of the managers and previous co-workers who gave me a chance off of a gut feeling, thank you for the opportunities to learn how to be a developer and trusting me. Thank you to the people who have helped me grow as a person. I never would have gone on exchange if it weren’t for people telling me about it and how worth it the opportunity is, for my friend applying with me even though we ended up in different schools, and it definitely wouldn’t have been affordable if not for my internships. 2009 freshman me would have just laughed at the suggestion. The truth is, all of these things somehow helped me get to where I am right now. All of the experiences guided me to find what I want and do not want.
Last, but not least, thank you to my family and my friends (especially the cru). Yall have been there from the beginning, watching me leave home, then come back, then leave again, then come back again. While I will be leaving again soon, I’ll be close enough to come back whenever I’m needed. I know I’ll always have people holding it down at home so I’m not afraid of leaving this time.
We made it.