My mind unfiltered.

[dbroguy-blog]

Static

Senseless noise teases You fog your own thoughts, looking For what you can't see

[dbroguy-blog]

Inside a Shell

I sit here staring Not feeling, feeling too much Answers made me lost

[dbroguy-blog]

Billy and Suzy 3

Billy and Suzy finally saw each other after 3 years. They went minigolfing. Billy was very nervous and excited leading up to this. He knew that he loved everything about Suzy 3 years ago. They had a good time and Suzy suggested they hang out again sometime soon. Billy drove home confused. Billy doesn't like Suzy the same way he used to and this made Billy feel empty. Had Billy just been in love with an idea for 3 years? Did Billy forget how to be romantically interested in someone? Is that something you can forget? Billy went to a bar and drank a little bit that night. He had never been to a bar to drink before. He left very soon. Billy decided bars were very boring and if he wanted to be bored and drunk he could do it cheaper at home. Billy is confused about his feelings right now.

[dbroguy-blog]

The Dreams

No longer nightmares Still welcomed with open arms The mind unfiltered

[dbroguy-blog]

Billy and Suzy 2

It's been a long time since Billy and Suzy talked. Billy has been bettering himself and Suzy has been living her life, moving into her first apartment and whatnot. Billy texted Suzy one day to say hi and Suzy didn't answer. Billy was feeling pretty down throughout the day and he wanted to resort to old bad habits to feel better. He wanted to but decided to go to a movie instead. He still felt lousy so he decided to go thrift shopping and he still felt lousy. Billy decided to drive. Billy drove and he drove just letting his mind wander. After 4 or 5 hours of driving, Billy was feeling a bit better. Billy successfully brought himself out of a hole without forcing himself to touch the bottom first. Billy tried Suzy one more time, this time without high hopes and Suzy answered. Billy and Suzy agreed they should go minigolfing soon. Billy hasn't seen Suzy in almost 4 years. Billy has changed a great deal in this time. He wonders how Suzy has changed.

[dbroguy-blog]

Billy and Suzy 1

Billy has been going to the doctor to help himself feel better. Billy has been through a lot in his life. Both of Billy’s parents talked about or attempted suicide atleast once. Billy was the oldest of three brothers. Billy’s mom let Billy know how bad things were with the family finances. Billy was lucky to not be living on the street. Billy helped chip in with the bills. Billy’s dad considered suicide so that the family could collect his life insurance. Billy knew of this because of Billy’s mom. Billy, being the oldest, was counted on to help with family life when Billy’s parents couldn’t which was quite often. There was a lot of fighting around the house. Billy’s mom was quick to forget when people helped or took her side in an argument. One night Billy and his family were staying at a hotel for a one day vacation. Billy’s family was playing Monopoly. Billy and his mom are quite competitive and stubborn in games like Monopoly. Billy’s mom kept offering him a trade that Billy did not see benefitting him at all so he said no over and over. Then Billy’s dad offered a trade that was too good to pass up. Billy’s dad is just there to have fun and keep the game moving. Billy’s mom took this personally and a fight errupted about how everyone was never on her side. She locked herself in the bathroom and said she was cutting her wrists and that no one needed her anymore. Billy picked the lock and found his mom trying to cut her wrists with safety razors. Billy took all of the razors and threw them away. Billy grew much colder inside that day. Billy began retreating from the world into himself. The problem is that Billy fought emotional pain with more emotional pain. Brief reprieve was met with more bitter coldness. Billy was his own worst enemy.

[dbroguy-blog]

New Beginnings

I wait, breath on hold Saying my goodbyes just to Say hello again

[dbroguy-blog]

Changes have been made

I have finally done it. I have a new career headed my way. I need to remember that this is good for me. I need to remember that this is okay. I have given my letter of resignation. I have been told this is okay. I am happy. I am nervous. I am excited. I deserve this. I deserve something. I haven't said that in a while.

[dbroguy-blog]

Things I want to do

Go Camping Go on an adventure by myself for two days See Halestorm live Fix my bikes Learn soldering Put new rims on my car Find a hard cover for Eragon Finally get my home built computer Bubba working Clean my carpet Reach 210 pounds Have more relationships Take more risks Journal more Learn more editing skills Play more Pokemon Buy a house Read more Get out more

[starseeddreamer]

[dbroguy-blog]

Wandering Mind 4

I stand here contemplating my wishes and responsibilities. I am trying to reach 210 pounds. It is probably lower than what is sustainable for me but I want to atleast touch it. I started at 301 in February of 2015. I made it to 255 by that summer. I jumped back up to 290. I got back down to 260 just a few weeks ago. I am around 270 today with 60 pounds to go. I have little ambition to keep with it. I have to cook at a job I know I am leaving. It was once my dream job, what I had gone to school for. New management took over. I also took a management position and it drove me insane. I stepped down and helped hire my new superior. I have decided I am going to change careers since then. I have little ambition for this. Waking up is growing harder. Contempt for my situation at work is growing stronger. My desire to seclude myself away from the world is growing stronger. But. But my lows aren't as low. My doctor thinks I am getting better. I think I am getting better. I need to take more risks. My mind is fighting with itself. I want to be better but I also want to be worse. It is what is familiar. The darkness is a friend I need to learn to let go of. It is okay to be better. It is okay. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay. It is okay to feel lethargic. It is okay. It is okay to desire companionship. It is okay. It is okay to feel angry. It is okay. It is okay to want. It is not always selfish. It is okay. It is okay to feel happy. It is okay. It is okay.

[dbroguy-blog]

The Warmth

Longing for a touch Reassuring warm embrace Strange yet natural

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Make yourself a priority once in a while. It’s not selfish. it’s necessary.

Karen A. Baquiran (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[dbroguy-blog]

[dbroguy-blog]

No end

I thought I was done Feelings surpassed climb out of The pit I dug them

[dbroguy-blog]

Wandering Mind 3

How do I regain the drive that allowed me to lose 45 pounds? How do I fight the temptations that allowed me to gain back 30 pounds?

I need to journal more often.

I need to use my CPAP more often.

I need to talk to people more often.

I need to stretch my comfort zone more often.

I got my laundry done.

I am still waiting on a package.

I have an appointment with my doc and she is going tell me to journal more often.

So many things need to be done. All of them to benefit my well being. No reasons great enough to prompt me to do them.

Atleast I got my laundry done.

That is a start.

[dbroguy-blog]