Esprit plein

I wanna read those books, the ones that are home. I wanna read poetry, classics, I wanna read greek mythology explanations and cry over Achilles lost. I wanna empty my mind, I wanna be like a box or a pocket. (In love with writing and a sociopath and his bf) ig: memoireppleine pinterest: memoireduninstant tiktok: deadaluschild

[deadaluschild]

I've lost a childhood friend, I hadn't seen him in 15 years, I won't see him in a casket because I couldn't get on that train, too ashamed of myself, too worried his mother was gonna rip off her skin.

I've lost a childhood friend, he was the first kid I liked and in my mind we never grew, he's still the boy with the golden bowl cutted hair who couldn't sneeze or else his mom would get worried; I'm still the gal with the little golden curls always getting splinters under her feet.

I've lost a childhood friend, I've wanted to reconnect with him for years, but there was time and so I waited, and now he's gone.

Forever diving, my dear friend, we'll meet at the beach, we'll build sand castles and play, me with my little golden curls, you with your golden bowl cutted hairs.

[deadaluschild]

I think and think and think and think.

What am I afraid of?

If I know what I want, why don't I accept that I can have it?

We want each other, why why why am I thinking so much about it?

Why don't I just give in?

I think that anything is more important then that

[deadaluschild]

His mother screams out his name in an empty street, hoping he'll rise from the dead and run to hold her, I wonder if he's trying, if he's screaming back, trying to fight back death, the only thing stronger than love.

[deadaluschild]

"I wish someone would pick me"

"You've been saying this since you were 6

[deadaluschild]

If you randomly stumble on this profile, and it's my grave, it's the only proof that I've lived; just know that I've been fine.

I'm 21, this year 22, in November, I'm a full ass sagittarius (sun, moon, rising and other 4 placements), I've always found it funny even tho Idk what it means.

I was a kid full of rage; coming from a narcissist and a therapist (my father and mother) I was the rebellious against the traumatized and terrified bigger brother that I had. I had a great grandma, I dreamed of the future, I studied the wars and cried studying the Christmas truce of 1914; now I'm afraid the human race won't make it, that I won't be like my grandma, I won't have a future and I'll die in a war.

I'm more terrified of the concept of it all being forgotten than I am of me not existing anymore.

What do you mean my grandma has been dead for 8 years and I won't make her gnocchi for my grandchildren? What do you mean she's been dead only for 8 years and she could be forgotten because who remembers her could be dead?

I want to rip off my skin at the thought of climate change.

I wish to smell summer again, to see the colors of 2012, I wish to breathe through my lungs and not from an oxygen tank, I wish that there won't be survivors that will have to start over in a post apocalyptic world, I don't want my friends to die.

I'm so afraid of being forgotten.

What if I won't be identified by my glasz eyes or my smile, but from a bullet scar? What if I won't be the collector and the writer anymore but just "another victim"?

[deadaluschild]

My mom made a cake with apples.

Not an apple cake, I don't like those, too sweet and full of mushy apples, a cake with apples on top.

I cut a slice and heated it up for 14 seconds, when I took a bite the smell of being 12 filled me in and turned me over for 10 seconds.

For 10 seconds my grandma was alive, for 10 seconds I didn't have a chronic disease, for 10 seconds it was cold and I was finally home from school, for 10 seconds I didn't have my period, for 10 seconds I was bored.

As I think about it tho I realize that for 10 seconds I didn't have my beautiful and fun first kiss, for 10 seconds I hadn't been to my amazing high-school, for 10 seconds I hadn't been to new cities, I hadn't attended my first concert, I hadn't had my heart broken and healed, I hadn't met my favorite public figure.

So today I beat nostalgia.

[deadaluschild]

My mother has this ability of putting doubt in my mind with one question, one word.

One single breath from my mother and I'm lost in the pits of doubt.

And yet I still ask, I still tell her.

Wishing she, for once, would say how great my ideas are, how wonderful is what I'm doing, instead of always asking "will it work?".

"Mom I'm gonna buy a lot of DVDs because I want them and can pay for them myself"

"Will they work?"

Will they? Will they? Will they?

Should I stop? Have I wasted my money? Yes. I have wasted them. How could I have been so stupid. But maybe they'll work. Maybe I'll have a collection of DVDs that I have bought for myself. But will they work?

[deadaluschild]

Blocked an anxiety attack by changing songs.

I remembered that the last time you heard my voice was when my mom was screaming, when she was punching her chest, when I called you back to ask you what had happened, why was she so wretched. I listened to you, hang the phone and she was silent, in a praying position, hoping she got it all wrong; she didn't, I told her he had died, and our life changed. I'm courageous, you must have thought, I'm still the courageous kid you knew. I can't wait to hear your voice again, in a laugh maybe, never forgetting the plain tone you had when you told me about him.

[deadaluschild]

My mom made a cake with apples.

Not an apple cake, I don't like those, too sweet and full of mushy apples, a cake with apples on top.

I cut a slice and heated it up for 14 seconds, when I took a bite the smell of being 12 filled me in and turned me over for 10 seconds.

For 10 seconds my grandma was alive, for 10 seconds I didn't have a chronic disease, for 10 seconds it was cold and I was finally home from school, for 10 seconds I didn't have my period, for 10 seconds I was bored.

As I think about it tho I realize that for 10 seconds I didn't have my beautiful and fun first kiss, for 10 seconds I hadn't been to my amazing high-school, for 10 seconds I hadn't been to new cities, I hadn't attended my first concert, I hadn't had my heart broken and healed, I hadn't met my favorite public figure.

So today I beat nostalgia.

[deadaluschild]

Today was a happy day.

[deadaluschild]

Once in middle school I ate 25 tangerines in one sitting, from that day on I've been allergic, the second that sweet smell gets close to my nose, my soul fills so much with joy that my face turns bright and hot, I haven't eaten a whole tangerine in so long, but today I went into the kitchen and they were there, fresh and deformed, with the perfect juicy-dry combination, I ate three wedges, my soul is full, my face isn't red and hot but this time three little pieces will be enough, I already hindered myself once, thinking I could have it all.

Now I'll see what will happen.

I think I love so beautifully.

[deadaluschild]

What if Kelly wrote the S for Shay and changed it for Stella

[deadaluschild]

We were at the same birthday party, probably not even 20 people, you with your girlfriend of three years, wouldn't it be stupid to throw it all away? You know that just as I do.

But when I turn around and our eyes lock for a second before running away to the most random thing that is now so interesting, when it happens more than once, and when I bend over my backpack and you play with my necklace, does the idea of giving it another shot cross your mind? Because when you hit my arm with yours by "mistake" and I turned around just to see you standing alone in the kitchen, were you ready to throw it all away?

Perché quando ti guardo ancora penso di aver sprecato un'occasione che non tornerà, ancora spero di poterti guardare così da vicino da vedere le tue pupille dilatate, ancora spero di poter carezzare lo smalto che hai sulle unghie e ancora sogno di abbracciarti.

Mi chiedo se tutte le volte in cui ti ho sorpreso a guardarmi tu stessi pensando quello che pensavo io, a quanto siamo stati piccoli ed ingenui, a quanto io ti abbia trattato male, a quanto tu non mi abbia trattata proprio.

Guarda ora quanto siamo cresciuti, quanto siamo belli. Chissà se un giorno...

[deadaluschild]

You were the first person to send me a message in three days "hey, what was the name of that movie?" and that made my day, to be so relevant and important, the sole fact that you weren't embarrassed to send me that message.

A lady asked me to help her cross the street today, she was scared, so we walked side by side to the other side, she thanked me, I was happy.

I often ask tourists if they need help, I like those groups of three, hiding in alleys, not blocking the street, not filling the restaurants, not invading the city; sometimes I don't know the answer, but we always find a solution.

I go to the grocery shop and talk about fruit flies with the cashier and a costumer.

I go to the fruit market and teach about pumpkins to a bunch of older women.

I take the bus and look at gorgeous women with white hair, and I wonder if I can tell them that I wish to become like them.

Sometimes the only smile I get is from a stranger with whom I make too much eye contact, sometimes from a child who decided that I was whorty of their smile.

I live for human interactions

[deadaluschild]

We love to trap beauty, but oh to let go...

[deadaluschild]

I need to stfu

[deadaluschild]

I think it's happening again, I'm in a group but I'm not part of it.

Again we should've hang out tonight, they decided to make other plans without me, plans to which I can't take part cause I do not drive.

And here I am, 15 again, wondering who I'll meet tonight of the people who have their Saturdays organized with friends.

I'll get an ice cream maybe, so that I don't have to tell my mom that I'm not going out