Dear Me

Something for my future self to read. Feel free to tag alone on my journey to becoming who I want to be.

[dear-laterme-blog]

I'm sensing a pattern. I have good days then when things start to go back to me being alone, it makes me sad. I'm OK with being alone it's just the fact that I like being with people more. I like the company. We don't have to talk. Or even interact with each other. All I want to know is that you are here beside me and that's all that matters. I'm in a desperate need for company. For a being sitting beside me as I type. As I sleep. As I live. I don't like the transition from being with friends then being alone. I don't like it all.

[dear-laterme-blog]

I’ve been having really good days that I don’t even have time to talk about it here. And when I do get the time, I get lazy... xD Game of thrones exhibits, concerts, hang outs, dance parties, cats, mortal kombat, songs, art, delicious food, new people.... It’s been a crazy time since I’ve last posted! I’m probably missing a few things to mention but all in all it’s been great. But of course, why is it so great and you are posting here? No it’s not an even greater thing. It’s a somewhat sad kind of a thing.

Well lets first explain this. I wanted to do more things today. Go from one place to the other and just hang out with lots of people. I only hung out with one person and do not get me wrong, it was an amazing time and looking back, I’m glad we have those memories to cherish with each other! But I wanted more. I wanted to bounce back and forth. Be extremely tired by the time I get home, if I even got home. But I came home and just an overwhelming of sadness washed over me. It was a fantastic day. It truly was. It’s just that... I felt like this day could have went different.

In the end I hope all my choices that led to this day, were worth it in the end. Sometimes I have to sacrifice time with people for other people. I don’t want to sound like, oh I’m so popular~ but I wish people wanted to hang out with me on different days and not just this one day and I’d have to reject others. Fortunately, this feeling of sadness is slowly dissipating. It was a good day today and I want to appreciate what I get instead of brood over the things I didn’t get.

Oh and I really want more impromptu dance parties in my life. I’m gonna make it a goal to dance with people randomly this week. So far, I’ve impromptu danced with three people.  I think that’s a nice goal :3

[dear-laterme-blog]

I think I’m having too much text posts for one day, but you know what. IT’S MY BLOG. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, I feel like I just scared everyone away. Anyways, I had a little thought and it’s confusing me.

You know those inspirational quotes you find (tumblr, fb and etc)? I remember reading one and sure it made me happy but what’s bothering me is that what about that person who dragged you down? If they read these posts, they deserve to be happy.... right? Even if they were the ones who hurt you and treated you like dirt? It’s hard to forgive. I don’t know if I should want their happiness when they destroyed mine so easily. I’m not sure what I should think.

[dear-laterme-blog]

A Letter to My 23 Year Old Self

Dear me, how do I begin this? >.> Well first of all. If you're still here and are in fact reading this as your physical self, go you. If you aren't, then I accept your decision because you are one logical fucktard and sometimes it just sucks being super logical. But if you are reading this as your physical self then good job. You surpassed the thoughts of suicide. Thinking that everything will be better if you just ended it now. No worries about a career or children. Or getting by or finding love. End it now and you'll be free of those silly things people determine that is what constitutes a life. You broke free of those thoughts or at least delayed it, ha.

So anyways, it's all questions from here on. Lets start with easy ones, shall we? Did you finally get rid of all that acne? Give yourself a pat on the back because that really is a bitch to take care of. Now that's out of the way, have more questions! Can you stand in front of a mirror naked and accept all your imperfections? The clusters of moles near your armpit? The fact that your shoulders are really wide and your feet are pretty big? How about the fact that your hands are long and lengthy and your voice sounds like a twelve year old boy to you? Are you okay with looking at yourself and saying, 'Goddamn I'm gorgeous.' If you can, high five yourself, you worked on that shit for 23 years and are still going at it. Oh and ps. do you still look like you're 15? I need to know that for reasons.

Now for the nitty gritty, bite-your-nails kind of questions. Did you find love? No... that's actually a pretty stupid question or at least, an obvious question. You are after all writing this letter because you have found it. I suppose the actual question is that did you keep it? Is it making you happy? Do you feel bliss? Were the choices I made today, worth it? I hope it was. I really truly do hope it was the right choice.

When you think about it and put everything into perspective. Three years is short. If anything, three years ago, coughseventeencough, you thought that you were at a lost in life. Well to be fair, you still are but you it's not as much at the age of 20. Right now you are most likely thinking that three years will be a long time. So much can happen and so much can change but there are constants. Lets just hope that the constants deep inside people is something that will never change.

So, I guess it's time to get back to the light hearted questions. Do you still remember Pluto? Have you moved out yet? Did you keep art close to you? Did you go to Europe yet? And most of all, do you love yourself? I know you love your family and friends and of course League of Legends. (If that is still a thing... oh who am I kidding? It will always be a thing.) But what about you? Are you... good?

By the way. Last question, I promise. How many cats do you have? Don't lie to me, just answer it truthfully.

I hope that when you do read this, you won't be so scared of three years in the future cough26cough. Take my own advice that I tell people anyways. There is only so much you can control. There is only so much one person can hold on their backs and continue to keep walking with their held up high. And really, don’t be scared if you haven’t figured out things yet. Go at your own pace. It will come. One other thing, you do tell yourself that you take pride in who you keep as friends. So keep holding on to that. Keep being logical. Keep being crazily hyper at one point then sad and depressed at another. Keep doing what you want. Keep loving people and all their quirks, well... love most of them. Keep being you. Because honestly, right now I'm happy with me at the moment even if I'm a bit lost and scared. And I want you, my future self, my 26 year old self, to keep being happy no matter what life throws at you. You go girl.

----

Something I wrote on Oct 11 2013, I think it’s still relevant, especially on this blog. I added the bolded part.

[dear-laterme-blog]

I knew the answer. I knew it. I knew it would take a miracle and then some for things to go my way. I knew everything. And now, I am not just assuming things. I know it for sure and it hurts so much. It hurts knowing the 50%... no it was really like a 5% chance of being a yes is down to 0. God how this hurts. I appreciated it while it lasted I suppose. Everything must come to an end. I feel like my fragile self, broke again. It feels like the thing I was dreading, came today. I dislike this a lot. And the person I would go to for reassurance is now gone. What a great feeling... can you sense the sarcasm? Fuck this shit.

[dear-laterme-blog]

Jan 10th - March 31st

Ever since January 10 2015, I wrote in a little book each day about my feelings and what happened. Four days after the breakup. Rereading through my previous entries. I can’t believe how much I changed. I used to cry at every trigger. Wouldn’t be able to sleep. Wouldn’t be able to eat. Wouldn’t to be able to even think of a future without him. So much has changed. And I think I can pinpoint when the wheels started to turn.

February 26 2015 is when I was able to see the change in myself. I even wrote it down. “I’ve come to the point where he is a stranger. I don’t know the fingers that once touched me. The voice that once plagued me has become a distant memory. I have no clue who he is.” I’m amazed at this change. I’m so proud of myself with these little accomplishments I’ve managed to achieve. I thought I would be lost without him. It took me around two months but I’m ok. Of course the feelings came back rarely but Feb 26 was the turning point.

Today I reached the last page of my book. And without realizing it, I also ended it at the end of March. It worked out surprisingly perfect. The past three days, I haven’t had the time to write anything. I had to force myself to write about my day. So by the way things are going I think I can finally set this book down and leave it for future me to decide it’s fate. I think I can see myself, showing this to my children when they go through heart break and hopefully it helps them as much as it helped me.

So to be corny, I need to do a little, ‘I appreciate everything even more’ speech. Thank you to my family and my close friends who have stayed with me on this journey to recovery. I can be myself again. And it’s fantastic!

ps. and to the sickmotion streams, to the youtubers, to the creatures, to Lizzie Bennet, to Emma Approved, to Gilmore girls, to parks and recreation, to music, to the games I’ve played and to emotional baggage check, I thank you as well.

If someone happens to come by this post and is going through a rough time, try writing things down. You may have to force yourself to write something at first but in due time it will become like a second nature. And then out of nowhere, the situation will be reversed and you’d have to force yourself to write when you’re okay but that is when you can either stop or continue.

I’ll still continue to write here of course until it feels forced but I have a feeling I’ll never be able to leave tumblr~ aha. Farewell to this journey that this book has brought me and hello to my new one awaiting. I’m ready for you. Come at me.

[dear-laterme-blog]

It’s ok to rant on my own blog that is pretty much only for me right? Remember that line? You know, the one I’m not supposed to cross? Well I’m doing my best to not cross it. And right now, even just being friends is hard enough. I don’t want to let go but at the same time, if I was feeling this way in person... I don’t know how I would be able to play it off. It’s so difficult. I want to just say it bluntly to his face. And then whatever happens, I either leave or stay and be done with it. But I’m a coward. I’m a coward that hides behind her microphone and cries silently. I hate this. I hate everything about this. I need to find someone who I can love and can love me back. I can’t wait for him any longer. I’m breaking apart.

[dear-laterme-blog]

I’m not very good at being honest with my feelings when I’m depressed. I’m used to taking care of things by myself so when I’m sad or down, it actually takes a lot of courage to ask for help. So this has been bothering me for a while and I wish I could have said this.

Friend: “You were jealous weren’t you?”

I wish I could have said this: “Yes. Yes I was. First of all, it seemed like you guys didn’t want to talk to me. Like I meant nothing to you. Which in fact is totally understandable because I did leave for a year to be with someone who treated me like I was a toy. Or maybe the reason you gave me, it was last minute was true and even if I wanted to understand your reasoning to leave me behind, I don’t want it to be true. I’d rather live in ignorance than have the 50% chance of knowing that you don’t want to hang out with me. Which brings to my second point. I want to monopolize you. I want your thoughts to consist of only me. I want your eyes to see only me. I don’t want you to hang out with anyone else even if I know they are just friends. And I know, I shouldn’t think this way because after all, I was in a relationship like that and it was not fun. But at the same time, I want you to be mine. I want the whole world to know you belong to me. Even if you don’t. Which brings me back to the first point. I’d rather live in ignorance than have the 50% chance of knowing that you don’t want to be with me. So yes. I was jealous for a multitude of reasons but all of them are selfish. And at some points, I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I push these feelings aside? Should I leave you even if you mean the world to me? Should I just live in a constant lie wishing you were mine but secretly knowing it can never happen unless you finally want to open up? I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m bitter. I’m pissed off. And most of all, I’m lost.”

But in reality, I said: “No, of course not.”

[dear-laterme-blog]

Things have been going quite well recently that I’m starting to get paranoid. It feels like if I let my guard down, something is going to ruin me. My hard work of trying to be okay with myself will crumble right in front of my eyes. It’s not okay waiting for some disaster to happen. I don’t want to live in fear and I’ve only just begun to try again.

[dear-laterme-blog]

Remember that line I set for myself. It’s so hard to cross it. I know the answer that’s why I avoid it but I wish it wasn’t true. I wish... we could love each other. Or rather, I wish I could bury these feelings I have. Life is confusing.

[dear-laterme-blog]

It’s the lull. When everything stops. The excitement dies down. People are busy and we all just go off in our own little worlds. It is the ‘nothing is happening’ that scares me. I take one step forward and two steps back. The absence of words is mortifying. Talk to me. Pay attention to me. Show me that you are also here. Tell me something every day. Just don’t let the silence fill the room because I might descend into madness.

[dear-laterme-blog]

I was watching Fast and the Furious 6 late at night and when the movie ended, I felt so emotional. It was probably because of Roman’s prayer at the end that reminded me to appreciate everything I had in my life and how lucky I am to have such a supportive group of friends and family. I decided to send a personalized message to each of them saying how much I appreciate their existence and for sticking by me.

I used to think I had a close friend before the abusive relationship but with everything that happened it made me realize how we were not that close to even begin with. I do feel sad at times that she is not in my life anymore but I’m also a bit glad. When I think about it, she was quite selfish. And I’m not trying to hold my nose in the air, so to speak but our friendship failed because she didn’t care enough to try any longer. I told her what he was doing to me and it seemed like she didn’t care. The only thing that she did care about was if I replied to her texts fast enough. And that’s where everything falls into place. My abusive relationship ended because he didn’t want to care anymore; if he kept trying, I would still be in a relationship that hurt my very core and destroyed my personality. Everything fails because someone will just stop trying. Sometimes it’s for the good and sometimes it will be for the bad.

In the end, I’d rather have one friend who I know will be there for the good AND the bad times than multiple friends who leave the second I start to have problems of my own. I’m so lucky, I have a handful of friends I can count on. And that’s probably why I felt emotional when I heard the prayer at the end of the movie. Appreciate what you have.

If you don’t believe me, just think about the times when you have a cold. You most likely despise being sick and want to get better as fast as possible. So appreciate it when you aren’t sick because being sick is the worst. (I know I can word that metaphor better but it gets the job done.)

[dear-laterme-blog]

I thought I could be happy with this situation of mine. I suppose my fantasy world should come crashing down now before it gets any further. I wanted to be someone stable for him but at what cost to me? Well I figured out the cost. He is not mine. And that is the most important thing I need to remember. I have been iffy about putting a line between us but now I know. The only feelings in this situation, is coming from me and nothing else. There will be no need for clarification since he so strongly shows it. So here is the line and it shall take every drop of willpower to not cross it.

[dear-laterme-blog]

I promised to write updates about when things are good. And things.... are great~! It has been for a while. I have been hanging out with my friends a lot. I’ve been slowly replacing memories so they don’t have a sad feelings to it. And lately, I haven’t been sad when I think about the memories. I haven’t had time to think about it at all. There are days that go by that I don’t even think about the past. I do feel like I wasted a year of my life but it’s actually quite small in the long run.

Anyways, I’m happy with my current situation. My friends are amazing and I’m so lucky to have them. And something for my future self, ice cream ;D and tacos. This was probably the most productive week I’ve had so far.

ps. Sleeping beside someone you care for has got to be the best feeling in the world. I wish for many things but I’m happy with what I have and appreciate it more than ever.

[dear-laterme-blog]

A side note. I started to read my old posts. I think I'm slowly getting my true self out there again. I'm learning to be happy by myself. I don't usually post things when I'm happy so that's why there's been a lull of posts. I'll start posting things when I'm happy since this blog isn't supposed to be always sad and emotional. (But that's where the good drama is at!) It's a timeline for myself to read and notice these things and read my posts just like now. :D

[dear-laterme-blog]

I wanted to write about what happened as soon as possible but I had to think about this objectively. A little back story first, I had a boyfriend before my abusive one. He was my first. And he couldn't love me because of his past and pushed me away. The recent breakup has brought my first boyfriend and I back together, as friends. And nothing is really different from when we were together. The main difference is that we aren't bound together through the means of a relationship as a girlfriend and a boyfriend. Our relationship is we are friends. He can do what he wants and I can do what I want. And what's important is that before we were in a relationship, we were friends. That's what I love about our odd situation. We are friends first before everything else.

Now I'm not going to tell stories with a pretty bow on it. I'm gonna tell the truth. Since after all this is the truth for my future self. I wouldn't want to beat around the bush so why should I do that for future me? He still makes me happy. He still supports me. He still manages to put a smile on my face when I'm remembering things. We try to talk to each other at least once a day. And we enjoy each other's company and we also spend nights together.

So here's my story. I'm on a Skype call with him and he's drunk. We're playing a couple games online. It's getting late and we finished our last game. He should sleep but stays in the call. It's only our faux presence through our headsets keeping us together. He starts to talk about how much he wishes I was beside him. How he misses touching me. How he wants to love me but can't. This makes me extremely happy and extremely depressed at the same time. I would love to be with him, to try again. We ended on a note that he was scared to love again and I was making him love me. But there is a phrase, "You are exes for a reason". I don't want to hope for anything but I'm just saying, it would be nice.

He keeps complimenting me and telling me things that he wishes he could do if he was beside me. And I get super flustered so before it gets too far, I tell him in my most serious voice I can conjure up; I'm gonna hang up and he should sleep since he's super drunk. And then that's when things start to get a little more emotional than I thought it would. He starts saying, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry I can't love you. I want you to be happy but I can't make you happy. I'll only hurt you. He tells me about his past, in more depth. When we were in a relationship he said he's been hurt too much and left it at that. This time, as friends, he told me what happened. He told me the exact details of why he's scared of falling in love with me. With anyone. And this time he can't push me away. He tells me why he puts a joke on everything. Why he pretends not to care. Why he acts the way he acts. He tells me, he didn't feel appreciated. No one cares about him if he lived or not. And here I am, thinking it would be nice to be in a relationship with him again and he knows nothing.

He knows nothing about how much I love him. How much his presence in my life is the most comforting fact that I can hold on to, aside from my family. And he doesn't know. I tell him I care for him. But he doesn't believe me. I tell him, I'm here for him. He tells me I'm lying. I'm about to tell him, I love him but he cuts me off and gets angry. He tells me to hang up. At that point, he had moved to his bed with his wireless headset and is too exhausted to get up and close his computer. He tells me to hang up over and over again. I reluctantly hang up after I make him promise me he'll go to sleep straight after and not do anything reckless. I text him, I'm here if you want to call me. I Skype message him, telling him that I appreciate him and everything he does. I go to sleep, worrying for him.

The next day I wake up and ask my sister what I should do. I don't tell her the whole story, only that he's been hurt too many times. She said, as much as I would like to help him, I'm not qualified to bear his burden, especially as only a friend. She tells me to direct him to websites and phone lines that can help. I log on to Skype later that day and he asks me what that Skype message meant. I ask if he remembered our conversation before he went to bed. He did not. He remembered playing games with me then everything is blank. He woke up on his bed with his headset still on his head and he was confused what happened. I'm suspicious of his answer but he swears he doesn't remember anything. I trust him and I tell him, he doesn't want to know what he told me. He doesn't tell anyone about his emotional side so why should I say he told me all about his past in a drunken Skype call late at night? I tell him, I owe him lots of hugs. And left it at that.

Now that you've read the entire thing or skimmed through it. You now understand why I waited to write this. This happened four days ago. I wanted to make sure, that everything I wrote down was clear and not biased from emotions. I love this person as much as I love my friends and my family. I would be ecstatic to be with him in a monogamous relationship but I'm not stupid. I know it won't happen unless a miracle manages to break through and even then, that's pushing it. I don't want to fix him or change him. He is what he is. He was brought to me because he went through those trials in his life and I don't want to think about it any other way. I know him because of the things that happened in our lives. If there was an alternate universe where everything stayed the same but we would have never met, I would hate that. That's what I firmly believe in. If something never happened, everything would have changed. The butterfly effect. The only thing I can do for him is care for him and show him that he's appreciated to me at the very least. And wait for him to finally open up to me, preferably, not drunk.

[dear-laterme-blog]

My fear came true today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it could be but it did come true. I love my friends, I really do and I know they have the best intentions but today was just an emotional roller coaster. They hung out without inviting me. Ok ok ok, before you start sighing and say "omg what a princess", this is an actual fear of mine that shakes me to the very core. My assumption is that people talk bad things about me behind my back. That they would rather laugh at me than laugh with me. And the fact, that I don't cross their minds when they hangout saddens me. I would always want to invite them to places and use my time to talk to them because I enjoy their company. But today, when I realized they didn't invite me, I started to cry. I am crying just thinking back.

Of course after pretending to be mad at them when I actually was, I brushed it off as I was joking. But I wasn't. I really felt so angry and depressed and everything in between. They couldn't send me a text, lets all hang out at my place today. I'll pick you up. They couldn't do that. It felt like they didn't want me to join. Like I was the lowest of priorities on their list of who to talk today. I was so defeated that I had to sit down and just embrace how sad I was. Of course they did feel guilty about not inviting me but at the same time, I'm so emotionally fragile these past months that I took it as a low blow to my friendship with them.

They did call me during the hangout but it wasn't the same. I think what I missed most being in a relationship even if it was abusive was that he made me feel important. My words were important to him. What I did that day was important. What I was doing was important. And today, just felt like I meant nothing to them. I felt like I didn't matter. If I left for a year again, they wouldn't care. It's a fear of mine and I kinda wish someone paid attention to me as much as he did even if it was emotionally and mentally draining.

I need to relearn to be alone. I need to be ok with my friends hanging out without me. I need to learn to live my life and not wait for anyone to talk to me. I hate acting like this. I want to feel important without anyone telling me I am.