[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

The chances are low. He doesn’t hang around campus, he goes just on time to make it to class and then leaves right after. It’ll be okay, but if you do happen to see him take a deep breath and keep walking. I’ll be here if you need to talk about it. I’ll be there too, on campus. Maybe once I figure out his times and the buildings of his classes I can let you know so you’re not around them? Let me know how I can help you. I'll try with the best of my abilities. xo- LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I don’t blame you for the rant. It’s hard to loose friendships that you’ve once held so close to your heart. I’ve had my fair share of “best friends” disappear/walk away from my life and sometimes the fallout is far too great to try and repair the damage that had been done. It is one of the hardest things to do in life especially if you have endured many obstacles and emotional moments with her. An attachment to a person can sometimes be harder to let go of than a romantic one. But if you feel it is better for you in the long run, then chances are that it is what was meant to be done. Letting go, throwing in the towel, and knowing when to quit are not easy things to do. It takes an immense amount of courage, bravery and thought to end something that you’ve desperately want to cling onto. And it could be for a reason as simple that you flourished into two very different individuals overtime.

I am happy to hear you’ve found temporary living arrangement for you to finish up out there. And OH MY GOODNESS a Shiba Inu?! I’ve always wanted one, especially after watching Hatchi. That’s so cool. Lol. Sorry for my random burst but that breed is so beautiful and fluffly looking. 

Things on my end have changed. I recently was hired at Tilly’s, seasonal for now, I haven’t even started yet. My first day will be black friday. EEK! Actually quite nervous. But, strangely enough, a few days after being hired there I had been let go from my other job. So, instead of having the hopes for two incomes this holiday season, I am back down to one with $1.45 downgrade in pay. I was let go for stupid reasons, but I have faith it was all in God’s plan. The hotel was a rather toxic environment for me anyway. At least I had this seasonal job to fall back on to pay my bills so I needn’t worry.  Once again, I am seeking a second job. I’ve been applying all over so fingers crossed! Today, I also applied for unemployment which should help me to pay for school next spring. I am truly excited to go back, but I have to take super basic classes since it has been a year that I have been out. Hopefully thought, I’ll be getting my AA in Photography and another AA in business.

As for with Michael and I, I honestly have no clue what is going on between us. Our schedules have been polar opposites and I haven’t seen him since the night of my family’s Halloween party, which he left early from because Nathan and Justin had fallen soundly asleep in my living room and he had to work the next morning. We’ve talked.. well, texted as much as we could. Mostly Good morning’s, Good night’s, How’s work’s, and I love you’s. And it’s not for the lack of trying to have time, but something always comes up. It seems at this point as if we’re just going through the motions. And, I don’t know, usually three days without seeing him makes my heart hurt and yearn to be by his side but these days the pull seems to have vanished. I love him, I know I love him, but it’s so hard not knowing what will come to be.

And I would like to apologize for the randomness of Saturday’s events. Let me clear it up a little more: For months I have been booked to photograph a wedding for an old friend, and for months I have had four assistants/friends who had promised to help me. Two weeks before one backed out, which was no problem, I felt I’d still have enough coverage with three. Two nights before, another. I still felt comfortable with the two. The morning of, yet another, an hour and a half before I was supposed to be leaving Stockton. (keep in mind, I was going to be paying all of them.) I called the three other photographers I knew, two with previous engagements and the other no answer. I was desperately needing at least on other photographer and you were the only one coming to mind. Although it was too late, thank you for 1) replying to me at all. 2) trying to understand my jumbled messages. and 3) not being too weirded out by my offer.

And me neither! Christmas is my absolute favorite!!

Have a wonderful day.

xo- LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I am sure you will like it there. I used to dread the idea of attending that campus or any junior college but, it isn’t as bad as others make it seem. Delta does have many places for you to make your own. Though, it is not as big as CRC. All the lit professors I have had so far have been amazing! The people usually do tend to keep to themselves but the ones I have found to interact with have been friendly, sweet, and helpful.

I am sorry to hear about you and your best friend. It is something I have been scared about happening to my younger brother and his best friend as well. Coincidentally, they were friends out in Weston Ranch before he moved out to Elk Grove their 3rd grade year. I’m sure everything will be okay with you two relationship wise, sometimes best friends - no matter how close - aren’t meant to live together. You guys were best friends for a long time, I understand people do change but, you guys can grow together. I understand how heart breaking it is to lose a best friend who’s so close to your heart. Best wishes with your friendship.

As for Michael and I, we are still seeing and speaking to each other on a normal basis and everything appears to be okay but, I still think I am a bit cautious of our relationship at the moment since there isn’t any guarantee to where our relationship could lead. I am still waiting to speak to the minister about any questions I have concerning INC but, I know how easy it is for almost anyone to point to a place in the bible and show people their interpretation of it. As well as seeing if there could be any possible way that we’d be able to stay together if I still do not become a member of the church.

And the same goes to you, you have my support. It is strange that (out of everybody) I turn to you more but, I am eternally grateful that I’ve had your support and kind words in all the matters we’ve discussed.

xo- LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

It’s really okay, I still check once and a while, but I understand life is life and people are busy.

I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going at Consumnes. Delta is actually a very nice school, it isn’t what I thought it would be. Just make sure to check ratemyprofessor.com before enrolling in classes to find the ones that will suit you better. I will be returning back next semester as well after my year and a half haitus. Having to start all over is going to tough, for the both of us, but I know if anyone can we both can do it. 

Making an appointment to meet with a minister has been surprisingly harder than Michael and I had thought so things still haven’t changed besides the fact that we are talking a lot more.

Today is October 15th. I am on vacation with my family in HI but all I could think of was my angels. I almost forgot what today was until Baps posted a photo of her candle on Facebook. 

All my love,

LEC

P.S. I feel like we talk about me a lot, I wouldn’t mind if you’d like to share and get anything off your mind as well if you’re comfortable enough. I hope, besides the school stress, that you are doing well (mentally and physically). 

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I'm sorry I've been keeping myself well distracted the past weeks that we've been broken up. We still talk quite a lot but it's been hard trying to be 'friends'. It's difficult, not being with someone because of religious reasons despite your emotions. Yesterday I spoke with my grandmother and I agreed to speaking to a Sunday School teacher or the minister and asking all my questions at some point. On my lunch break, I spoke with Michael and met up for coffee once my shift was over to talk it over a little more. Things are once again up in the air so to speak. I'll ask my questions and address my concerns and from there I guess we'll try and make our final decisions. But at this point, we're trying hard to just stay together even if I still choose not to become a part of his church he "doesn't care" anymore he said we could be like Debbie Rae and Frank and I've known of people who won't covert and still find ways to get married, I mean if there's a will there's a way, right? I'm still just unsure. I guess I just have to wait, ask, and see. × LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

The night before last and through the afternoon I spent alone. I turned my phone off, I cried, I prayed, I slept, I didn’t eat.. I haven’t eaten, I had to take down a lot of things in my room, everywhere I looked I saw.. us.. I probably would’ve stayed by myself all day if my soon-to-be stepmother Karen hadn’t come checked on me and got me to get out. We went to Target and everything reminded me of him I had to wait in the car. I spent some part of the night talking with Karen and I realized that there’s a small part of me that feels as if everything will be okay and we’ll get back together. Just like any other fight we’ve ever had.. but also that this isn’t a fight, this is.. different.. there’s choices to be made.. and I don’t know if there is any coming back from this. And she asked if he thought of leaving, I actually said the same things you had in your most recent post nearly word for word. “The way he’s been raised, what he’s used to, what he’s been taught, isn’t going to be erased easily..and he’s so brainwashed by that church.” The rest of the night we played board games, watched movies, I was distracted until I tried to sleep and received his text early this morning. I began to cry again.. He said all I wanted to hear finally.. everything that made my heart fill with warmth.. He’s trying to accept that I don’t want to be a part of the church, he still wants to be together, his love for me is more then anything.. he loves me as I love him.. but as I said, it doesn’t change the dilema. Even if he accepts I don’t want to be a part of his church and we stay together what happens when decisions that require his church come up? I don’t know what happens then.. and it scares me to try and put in more time and effort, gaining more memories and let our love grow even more just to wind up here again and have it hurt even more..

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

He texted me this morning. He’s trying to “accept it” but accepting it won’t fix the problem. He's still unwilling to consider leaving, and I’m not changing my mind. There wouldn't be hope for marriage, and children, would he allow them to decide what they want? We’re at an deadlock. I can’t tell if holding on is hurting more than letting go.

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I hope you're right.

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

Not without a fight but, essentially, it ended when he walked out my house last night to go to church unless I change my mind.

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

It came to an end because neither of us are able to leave our beliefs behind for one another.

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I told him..

fuck..

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I know this may seem out of the blue but, how did you feel about his church? When I was younger, I was baptized Presbyterian, I grew up in the church, it was small (less than 25 people) but it was family. When my parents split my attendance stopped and my dad began going to Catholic church and tried to have my brother and I do Catechism (which never stuck) and we ended up not going to church at all. Growing up, I still believed in God, I prayed and read the bible I had until I got to high school, which is where the only time I really turned to God was when either something really good or really bad was happening. But I always knew He was there for me to turn to. When I finally got my license, I returned back to my childhood church for a few months until I met Michael. These past few years I strongly wanted to become a part of INC (even with my disagreements with it’s teachings) because it meant I’d be able to marry him some day. The begining of this year I came to the conclusion that I no longer want to become a member (because of my disagreements and conflicts) and have been reluctant on telling him. I’m quite scared, knowing this could be our breaking point.. Did you ever waiver, especially since you’re so strongly tied to your own church?

You don’t have to answer.. I think this was more like a confession since I’ve kept it to myself for so long.. I suppose I should tell him soon.

× LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I assume you meant 1-16? If so, yes I have. A week after finding out, a guest I had confided in told me to look it up. She had me write it out over and over. I have my strong beliefs, and I try and tell myself that all this has been done for a reason. I know in due time He will show me why but, sometimes it’s hard and I can’t help but question.. which I know I shouldn’t be. I don’t know why I feel so comfortable in telling you all this, but I am. Thank you for your compassion and kind words. It feels nice to have someone who understands even though they’d never been in my shoes. And I hope you’ll never have to.

× LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

There’s no rush, take your time.

× LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

December I was feeling these massive cramps, I had thought they meant I’d be having my next menstrual cycle soon. When January rolled around, and it still hadn’t come, I waited thinking I had skipped a month. When speaking with a coworker, she shared that she had the same thing when she was pregnant and was so set on the fact that I was and had convinced me to take a test. I thought there couldn’t possibly be a way but, she was persistent, at the end of the month I went home and took two tests. After the longest five minutes of my life I took a peek at these sticks sitting on my bathroom counter- two pink lines on one, and a plus sign on the other.

I was pregnant.

My first wave of emotion was panic. I was only 19 years old, what the hell was I supposed to do. Sure, I wanted kids someday, but I was thinking at least 5 more years and that we’d be married. Although, I knew life always has it’s own plans. I immediately called my coworker and began to cry and she whispered words through the phone that helped calm m, she told me everything was going to be alright. After we hung up this overwhelming sense of happiness came over me. I knew I wanted nothing more that to have my baby. Through all odds (birth control and condoms) God still blessed us with a child. I then called Michael’s work and asked them to have him call me. All I said was “I took a test.” And he knew, he was shocked to say the least. The only words he said were “no way..” he left his shift early and we met by Marshall’s and Lollicup. Within an hour I was already so in love with this child growing inside me. I had already imagined my new life. Though not planned I was ready to take on the world for my little peanut. Michael, scared out of his mind, not so much. He had so many questions, there were too many things that were left in the air and he wasn’t sure.. He was nervous but, his main concerns were being kicked out of his home and church. We both should have been scared but, the wonder of being a mother filled my head.

Within a couple days my father found out. I stupidly left the boxes with tests tucked away under a pile of clothes in my room (which my dad searched through and found). Though very very upset he helped me to answer all the questions Michael and I had and we officially decided to keep the baby (the only other option I was allowing was adopion and, well, Michael was against that) We became over joyed. We were nervous, but so excited. We were going to be the best parents we could be. We loved our peanut whole-heartedly. It is the purest form of love you’ll ever feel; I promise you that much.

I signed up for MediCal, and WIC as well as so many other samples and free grants for mothers in my situation. I tried everything I could to be ready. Michael began saving as much money as he could aside and spoke to his manager about getting more hours. The only ones in his family who knew were Ryan and Rhawnie. My coworker gave me a crib she never used, and donated me clothes from her children. I watched video after video, read article after article. 

A week after notifying my doctors I was pregnant I received a message from my genetics counselor. She had notified me that there would be a chance, because I was a carrier of alpha-thalassemia trait, that there could be a real defect to my child and that we would need to run a test called Amniocentesis which could result in miscarriage, or wait until I was 28 weeks to rule out hydrops. That night after I got home from work I crawled into my father’s bed and he held me until I fell asleep. I told Michael the next day, I prayed and prayed and asked for guidance and I was terrified. What if there was something wrong? It would be all because of me. My child could be suffering all his/her life because of something I have genetically wrong (i.e. sickle cell). 

February 4th, I had my first sonogram at 11 weeks. I was so excited. Michael along with three of my closest friends were going to be going with me to hear and see my baby for the first time. Unfortunately, the day of, my friends had to cancel and Michael had gotten called into work, but I was still as ready as ever. All I could think about was that in 5 more short weeks we would be finding out their genders. “There’s two sacs,” my OBGYN said, I was grinning ear to ear, staring at the black and white screen. In between the static there were two black circles filled with white and two smaller ovals in them, almost like oddly shaped cartoon eyes. This had explained why I was starting to show so early and then “hold on..” she said “I can’t find any heart beats.” She took some tests and also found that the sacs were only as big as about 8 weeks. My own heart sank and my smile faded. “We’ll need to run some tests to see if your hormone levels are increasing or decreasing. There could be a chance that their backs were just turned.” I nodded and got dressed. 

I felt heavy. A small part of me still grew hopeful that all would be well. That they were just turned away, that I wasn’t as far along as we thought. I was so protective over them. I took all the right prenatals, stopped taking my anti depressants, ate healthier, drank more water. I sung to them every night and just dreamed of our future. I fell on my way out of the office, crying rivers, and two nurses had to pick me up and bring me into the back until I calmed down enough to walk to my car. From there I called person after person with no answer. I was alone. That’s when the anger started to rise. If anyone should have been with me it should have been Michael. There shouldn’t have been a “I’ll go next time” this should have been the first time we heard our baby, saw our baby.. babies.  Two weeks later I received a phone call and my world was lost. “Your hormone levels are dropping, I’m sorry.” I had asked for a copy of the pictures she took from the sonogram and she said that they no longer had it.

The part that hurt the most that day, was being alone again when I found out- having no one to turn to. Having to tell those who knew and having them be relieved when all I was was crushed. The next morning I woke up around 4 and without thinking I got out of bed and cut my hair. They were crooked and a mess and I turned to self-harm again after I had been clean for over 4 years. I did it because it gave me a sense of control after dealing with something out of my power And the waiting, the waiting was dreadful. I didn’t want any medicine to force it to happen I waited and waited. The cramps go worse, to the point of tears and gripping onto pillows and biting into blankets and nothing helped. For a week I bled them out, I saw when they came out. Little raspberry sized clots. It’s like a period but a million times worse.

I spent nights crying, I still do, and when I see a child I see mine. And when I see women who are preganant, or the announcements.. it breaks my heart all over again. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn’t just sadness, and it wasn’t linear. Somehow I’d thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better - like getting over the flu. That’s not how it was.

It took me 3 months to be around any sort of babies or family members who were pregnant. And once i was able to, I found I was greedy with the infant. I wanted them all to myself until I’d realize what I was doing and quickly give them back to their mother’s, go the restroom and cry. It hurt after it was all done, when people would come up to me and tell me I had lost weight or looked skinnier, if only they had known why. The other night at work, a guest went into labor right in front of me and all I could do was cry. Michael threw himself into work, into his car. He’s only come to me twice these past 7 months crying about it othewise he tries not to think of it, or mention it. While I spent the 7 months imagining how big I should have been every time I looked into the mirror. Blaming myself, thinking what I could’ve done better. If maybe it was that one time I ate a cup of noddle, or that run I did. Everyone says it’s not my fault, that no matter what I did thing would’ve turned out the same but it’s hard not to blame yourself when you’re the only one able to physically protect them. I didn't just have an abrupt end to my pregnancy, I didn't just lose my babies, I lost years I already saw in my mind. I dream of them, I dream of sleepless nights and changing diapers. Some nights I dream and they’re already gown quite a bit, and they’re beautiful..

On the third, I got my first tattoo, two interlocking hearts behind my ear. One for each angel, and they’ll always be on the back of my mind. Getting it has actually helped me more than I thought, while getting it I held onto a necklace Melanie gave me for my birthday with two angels on it, this necklace and the tattoo give me somewhere to place my emotions, they give me something physical to have. I have my good days and my terrible. I had to up my dosage and start taking the citalopram again. I joined miscarriage & infant loss support groups; as well as my usual therapy sessions.  What also hurts is that I had never gotten around to tell my mom so she never knew. And when she makes passive statements of cousins or people she knows in similar situations to what I should have been it hurts to have to shake it off and be interested.

This situation has scarred me. I am terrified to try again, ever. This was my first pregnancy and it slipped through my fingers. Our future attempts will be fraught with concern. The wonder of the first time, the unmitigated joy, and possibility and optimism are, if not gone, then muted by the knowledge of what could be, and could have been. Before this I never knew how common miscarriage was, it takes up a quarter of pregnancies. I’m sure I learned it somewhere but, I never imagined it would happen to me. I hate how helpless it made me feel. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. It makes me angry how taboo the subject is, how it made me feel like I did something wrong. How woman are made to feel that they should wait to announce their pregnancy until after they reach a certain period just in case they do miscarry. And all the things people say hurts. Like I could try again. But they don’t realize I don’t want just a replacement for the ones I lost but the ones I should of had. And to be honest I hate saying I “lost” them because it’s like how bad of a mother do you have to be to “lose” your child.

I am sorry if this is more than you wanted to know, I kind of went on a tangent. I don’t really talk to anyone about this.. not even my friends because besides Mel, most try to tell me they weren’t babies yet, I’ve had some tell me I’m not a mother. Or it just makes the room awkward. So I keep to myself.

Thanks for listening, × LEC

mesdeuxanges

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

I’m sorry I didn’t mean for that to be there. But yes, they were twins.

× LEC

[dear-nmk-blog]

Dear NMK,

In the begging, it was not anything. We had not really spoken until maybe the middle of October. He was just the guy who sat behind me in class. Believe it or not, I had wanted my senior year to go by fast, I wanted to be single so that when I got out of Stockton I could start a whole new life. I had gotten to school one day and we were all there standing outside Mejia’s classroom waiting for her to get there because she was late as usual. We all watched the clock waiting for fifteen minutes to pass so we could all just leave. With one minute left she appeared out of no where and opened the door. We all started to walk in, that is when he came up to me and said “Hey Babe.”

Just those two words. I remember feeling something, some kind of pull towards him, but I laughed it off, rolled my eyes and thought ‘who does this kid think he is?’ After that the whole school year we were seated right next to each other. No matter how many times Mejia would change the seating chart at random, we were always placed side by side or one in front of the other. We had many group projects in class, most of which Mason, Mark, he and I did together and we hadn’t really talked outside of the projects besides a daily “Hey babe.” from him and a small smile from me. One night, while doing one of the projects, he began to hold my hand, and I swear the moment he took my hand in his own, something clicked inside me. I still hadn’t known you were a part of the picture at this time. That is when we started to text and my feelings became more apparent. I laughed at everything he said and could not help but smile when he was around. We held hands during the class period, he would whisper “You’re pretty.. beautiful.. etc.” In my ear. Made me a promise he would say it every day. I was sprung though to anyone who asked I was not, he was only my “first period boyfriend” (it was an inside joke that actually started because of my mom one of the nights Mason, Sabas, and Michael had came over to do a project)

The day of a Link Crew conference that I missed school for but we had a project to work on so the guys came over right after school. It was the same night of the Varsity vs. JV scrimmage. He had convinced me into going, to put his number on my cheek, and joked about giving me a jersey. He had came and talked to me after he was done playing and he would leave every so often. I had assumed, to be with his friends, but looking back on it it was probably to you. I remember when leaving, I saw him outside the gym and asked him if he needed a ride home, seeing he lived so close to me, but he said he already had one and I later saw him get into a car with you. I put the pieces together. My heart felt it’s first pang of jealousy, I promised myself I would just ignore whatever it was I was feeling and just stay friends with him, nothing more. I asked him to stop calling me babe, stopped holding his hand, barely talked to him in class and at one point Mason and him had switched seats. Then it was Thanksgiving break, I do not remember how it started but we began skyping. I think I had needed help with the Spanish assignment and Sabas of course could not help me and mason was at temple, but we skyped the whole week without ever really hanging up. Until the last night when he thought I was sleeping and said this whole monologue of how he felt about me. I wrote it all down once he, himself, had fallen asleep. He then repeated it in the morning thinking I had not heard him and I had told him we needed to just he friends and hung up. He texted me this while thing using a Black Ops reference of the bus on how it leaves at a certain time and if you miss it you miss it but you can sit and wait for it to come back. saying he would wait until it came full circle and try again. That maybe our timing just was not right this time and that at some point it would be right.

Back in school, it was awkward. He would act so melancholy and over dramatic. He did not want to interact with anyone. I had searched for him on campus to see if he would still be that way but instead I would always find him smiling with an arm around you. The time passed and I could not shake my feelings, but I still wouldn’t acknowledge them. And then during a choir rehersal I got a text from him, he was hurt. And for the rest of the night I had not heard anything. The next day I got a call from his mom telling me he was in the hospital. I remember texting him and never getting a reply back. Until one day I got a skype call, he was in pain I could see it on his face and he made me feel bad for not visiting him. We talked until his dad came and said they were ready to leave the hospital. He had came back and I had made it clear we were only friends, although his words and promises of leaving you and somedays still filled my head and installed hope, and I helped him with his books while one of the guys was his crutch.

Suddenly it was winter finals. It was the last day before Christmas break he wanted to speak after our Spanish final but as soon as the room had cleared, you had walked in through the doorway so I left. After we had finished our second period final he had asked me to meet him, saying he had something for me. I originally told him no, but he came knocking on Torrente’s door and asked for me. We stood in the hallway between Mejia and Torrente’s classes in silence for a while. He gave me my favorite candy and told me he missed me. Before parting he asked for a hug, and it lasted what seemed forever and that’s when I caved in, we had skyped again throughout christmas and I spoke to his uncles and grandma and brothers, after that he had come over most nights after school, visited me when I was sick, spent time with and got close to my family. He had call me around midnight on new years and gave me a “muah” through the phone to be my new years kiss. And more and more promises, lies.

After a few weeks again, we met in front of the art classes during lunch and I ended things again, saying our time wasnt right and him saying he was scared about if i went away to college that it would effect us and saying he was jealous of DC and Lalo and I yelled at him saying he had no right to be jealous and he quieted down. He spent the rest of lunch trying to convince me to stay and i remember distincly saying “your time’s up” once the lunch bell rang and i walked away to the choir room.

When he first left his dad’s he showed up at my house. He knocked on my window and sat there on my drive way angry and falling into pieces. And I was there to hear him out. That day brought us closer, I’d never seen that side of him. After we spoke he came inside we bandaged him up and he stayed for dinner. Days passed and we seemed to be getting along well, and I guess all fell back into place despite what I had told him a few days earlier. We spent every second of the day texting and had the occasional nights where we wouldd fall asleep on the phone. He spent as much time with me as I thought was possible. And the nights where I felt insecure or have a bad dream, he would be there knocking on my window and stay there talking to me until I would fall back asleep.

All the while I had not known he had been living with you. He had told me he was staying with different friends, which was not too unbelievable to me since I had friends and family that had done that at one point in thier life. One time he said he may move to Lancaster with his grandma or to Sacramento with his mom. He said, for me, he would go back home and wait until his Junior year to move to Sacramento since that is where I was headed after graduation. I tried to encourage him to make up with his father, even knowing their history I just wanted them to make ammends. A friend of mine had a hunch of it from seeing your mom and him at the grocery store on more than one occasion. But most days with him, sad to say, I forgot you were even in the picture. But I would spend moments checking if he still wore the ring, the bracelet. I would find myself searching campus and seeing him with you.. with Michelle.. it is funny how I knew about he but always chose to ignore it. I have imagined once or twice that if I hadn’t the three of us would have done some kind of John Tucker thing and gotten revenge. Lol, just a thought. But anyways, it started hurting a lot more. I started wondering how you were doing as a couple and if you had fought, was he fighting for you.

Around his birthday I started giving him ultimatums. He said he’d already started to try and tell you, said he spoke to your mother about his “dilema”, spoke to the crisis councelor. When weeks passed, I began asking him to make up his mind. And i just remember feeling hurt and possesive and jealous over someone who wasn’t even mine. But when we were together he made me feel happier than anyone had ever made me feel. A few days passed and I asked him to choose again. Just as I was going to leave him again, it was Valentines day. He surprised me with chocolates, that I honestly thought were for you as well as a sing-a-gram. One night Jessica had told my mom (who didn’t know about what was going on) that you were living together and my mom called him and said we could never see each other again. And that’s when he, I guess, confessed to you and left.

The following day he told me he was out of your house and back home. He said everything was over, that he was mine and only mine. That week I began giving rides home and he had started to come over again. And he convinced me that you were in this sort of frenzy. After the incident when you had followed us to my friends house to drop her off and back to his house. I remember once school got out and I had graduated, maybe, that would be the end of it. End of the drama and I could just be happy, truly happy. But even as the days went on and he and I were together he'd still get calls from you, some of which I was in the same room as they took place. One's such as him saying he didn't love you anymore, one I remember him saying "he couldn't possibly love you", and a few others. But as I went on my trip for choir, I had my feelings, which I later found out to be true, that he was still seeing you. Also finding out on the day I got back, instead of staying at my graduation party he had gone to see you in the middle of it. That weeks later you had helped not only him get his job (which he had waited to tell me about when I got back because he wanted me to be “the first one” to know) but gave him transportation as I was. I would visit during lunches, as well as Michelle on some occasions that I discovered later as well. I remember once seeing he’d sent us all the same text of “I thought saw you at the store today.” I know he even saw you after your Mexico trip, those dog tags.. I wasn’t stupid or oblivious. I don’t think any of us were, I think we all just had true feelings for him and all choose to ignore the facts as they came.

I have found out plenty over the years, enough to drive me mad but I stay, I can’t get over that feeling. That pull I mentioned in the beginning, that need to be with him.. I do believe this was supposed to happen, it’s a part of my story and if it should end it will be of God’s will. We’ve had our fair share of fights and disagreements in the begining, if not more, but even after being together we fought against what everyone thought, all their opinions, and comments. And although we didn’t start off properly, I’ve been happy more than I was upset or angry. And yes we still argue, as all couples must, but it’s more calm these days and in the end I still love him.