Dear Bitch

Terrible advice for all

[dearbitchadvice]

War and Piece of Shite

Dear Bitch,

I’m a new writer, but I don’t like the whole cycle of rejection that I keep getting from publishers and editors, so I decided to start publishing them myself and leaving piles of books at coffee shops and book stores fore people to enjoy. Buy the way, everyone, your welcome! The strangest thing happened after. I keep finding piles of them outside my house each morning. sometimes I even find them buy the dumpster the next day outside the same coffee shop.

I read it threw a second time, just to make sure its as good as I think it was and its amazing! the same thing happened like a few years ago when I wrote another book which was wonderful but everyone hated it.

What can I do to get people to appreciate me?

Sincerely, Picasso of my time

Dear Picasso,

I actually didn’t have to look past your signature to know that you are not the literary genius you seem to think you are. You are too oblivious (unmindful; unconscious; unaware) to recognize the use of the name Picasso would only make sense if you were some form of visual artist. Aside from that little nugget of proof, and the blatant misspellings and awkward phrasing of the rest of your post, I would still give you the benefit of an open mind. “Perhaps this young man is the hipster Jack Kerouac, spouting truth with intentional bad grammar and lack of sentence structure.”

However, I had the displeasure of actually finding said book at a local coffee shop. I can only assume it’s yours as it was free and horrible. Opening to a random page, I was able to deduce (to derive as a conclusion from something known or assumed; infer) that you have no concept of the English language, and are unable to differentiate the need for quotations marks, commas, periods or question marks.

So what I would like you to do is listen to the hundreds (thousands) of people that have told you your writing is terrible. They are not telling you to stop writing. You can write your little heart out, then bury it in your back yard or hide it under your bed. What they want is for you to stop trying to give it to them. The publishers don’t want it, editors won’t read it, and people won’t even read it for free. So keep it to yourself. You are only making people miserable while killing a metric shit ton of trees.

You’re welcome,

Bitch

[dearbitchadvice]

A Tale of Two Shitties

Dear Bitch,

I’m having some troubles with my neighbors. They have huge dogs who love my front lawn. I want to fling the shit onto the side of their house but my wife insists that it’s not the “neighborly” thing to do. She thinks we should be the bigger people and just clean it up and not make waves. I’m more inclined to make large, brown waves with dog crap and a power washer on their bay windows. I promised my wife to abide by your judgment.

Tired of Stepping in Shit in Chicago

Dear Tired of Stepping in Shit,

I can certainly understand your wife’s concern. Although it would give you pleasure to toss heaping piles of dung over the fence, the likelihood of injury to your rotator cuff should be considered. Might I suggest an alternative that I believe would make everyone feel better?

Tomorrow morning, I want you to wake up and fix a batch of very strong coffee (the darkest roast you can handle). I want you to get yourself 3 large mugs, and drink it black. While you are enjoying the morning news, choke down two bran muffins and wash it all down with a tall, cool glass of prune juice. Then wait 20-45 minutes (highly dependent on your coffee machine’s brew strength) before walking over to your neighbor’s front porch, dropping your drawers, and unloading a Deuce like you’ve never experienced before directly in the walking path of their front door.

I guarantee you, you will then feel a kinship with your neighbor’s dog that you never expected. For you will know how terribly satisfying it can be to give the gift of feces.

You’re welcome,

Bitch