burnt but still alive

[dearjournal1333]

SHAME 

I know what happened to me that I decided to pack my things and leave this place. it’s not only about him. i know i can say “stop” firmly and that will be the end of us. but what really makes me want to hide from the world is a failure in my career. a year ago it was raising. everybody talked about me. “that girl can do everything!”. many people wanted to work with me. and i worked hard and a lot. but from summer i failed on many projects. i’m still ashamed. i’m so ashamed that i can’t talk to some people who really believed in my potencial. yes, there were some circumstances which didn’t let me do my best...i hate excuses, so i won’t say that. i just failed.

so now i’m packing my things to go somewhere where i don’t know anybody. i’m going to work there, earn some money, become wiser and older, travel and just try to figure everything out, what happened to me, why i changed and what i want to do in future.

p.s. i don’t know what is written on the body of a girl, i just like the picture)

[dearjournal1333]

we’re standing on the edges of a bridge, looking at each other, holding matches not daring to light it and burn all the dreams, plans, pain, tears, feelings, hopes and that thin thread between us.

none of us dares to move, to finish this hell and go ahead. each of us if afraid to leave, to move on, to dream the same things but with another person. it’s like even if we say goodbye for real this time, we won’t be free. there is always be me and you in each other’s hearts, that place is taken forever. no one can replace it.

but we couldn’t keep that happiness together. we suck

[dearjournal1333]

you know that phenomenon in an everyday life called Chain reaction? it's especially noticed at home. yes, of course there are collectives and bosses who can pour their negativity and stress on you, but at least at work people try to control their feelings. i've always wondered why members of family don't do it at home? it's like "oh they're my family, they will bear it, that's why we are family". 

i don't think so. you feel that tension when you see that mom's not in a good mood today after work? and then you see how your dad is shouting for a stupid reason. then you see how you little brother didn't wash his cup and you start at yelling at him. so he yells back that you forgot to iron his shirt. 

it's not always mom who starts this. it can be your dad, or you. because your little brother barely knows what the real stress is. 

most of time we absorb a negativity from outside because we can't respond in the same way. we save it all in ourselves till we come home and burst it out there. the strange thing is that we shout, we feel relieved and everything is forgotten.

welcome to human's life, aliens!

[dearjournal1333]

On the ruins of love

I understand gays. how can a man love such a brainless creature like woman? if i were a man i would become a gay.

I started this hell. in the beginning it was a truth with a lie. then i told the truth, but still with a piece of lie. that's why i was bearing this hell for months, all those curse, insults, thousand breakups, all those "fuck you" and "come back please i can't live without you". i deserved it. because i was stupid to tell this truth. because i was stupid to think that he could accept it. he couldn't, he can't and he won't. 

at this period there were so many words, truth and lie from both of us, so many words that hurt so much. and those thoughts don't make you feel happy, calm and free. we created hell for each other. but we still believe that better to live in a hell together than to live in heaven alone. 

i created a monster. yes, everybody has its bad side. and i got it out from him. i feel guilty for that. there is no good in him anymore. i was monster who pretended being a good one. when he realised the real me, it was too late. i already got his heart. so he threw away his principles and everything just to be with me. but i can't bear it anymore. i wanna escape, i wanna run away from the monster i created. i can't look into those eyes which used to be bright, full of love and good.   

now i'm in a hesitation. to leave him and let the life find a real good girl who would bring inspiration and make him believe in a good world again. or to stay and bear it, live with what you've created, on a leash. let him die and recover or control his evil?

i'm just lost. 

[breathtakingdestinations]

Banteay Samre - Cambodia (von jafsegal)

[dearjournal1333]

anyone who ever been in a destructive relationship (most of girls will understand me), devides their life "before" and "after" that destructive relationship. months of tears, nervous breakdowns, but at the same time the pure happiness are included into that. when you see his eyes or melt in his hug you completely forget all his lies, curse, insults, stupid features of his character, everything that irritates in him, all those things dissappear from your memory when you listen to his stories or see him smiling. when he holds your hand, nothing else matters in this world... 

but there is always a crisis point that makes whole your essense kill him in your mind, heart and in soul. that point, after it had happened, you make your love get out of you, build a cocoon only for yourself, close all the doors and windows, slits and keep telling to yourself like a psycho "forget him, forget him, he is dead". you make an enormous effort to kill him in yourself, you try everyday, every hour, every minute, you try to forget and not to think about him anymore... 

[archatlas]

With the Bones of Our Own Stefan Volatile-Wood

[dearjournal1333]

after almost two weeks of a breakup we met again. i was imagining this day completely in another way. i was imagining that i would look fresh, beautiful, calm and happy. but when we met near stadium i looked tired, sad and angry, my cheeks were red, i wore my typical sporty costume and it was dirty a bit. i didn't run 6 km as i had planned in the morning. it was only 3rd round when i got his message. and then a call. and a voice begging me to have a talk tet-a-tet for a minute.  

i knew it wouldn't be a minute, but i couldn't resist to see his eyes again before i leave my hometown, my country and start a new life, a new paragraph in my life without him. without. him.

i never imagined that i would love somebody so much that after breakup i would fall into chaos. no, seriously, before i met him i totally knew what i want in my life, what i want to do and how my life would look like. in a relationship with him i realised that all i wanted before was a complete shit.

and now when there is no "us" anymore, i'm lost.  

he begged me to come back, to forgive him, his mistakes, his words... i would do that. again. for a hundred one time. if there would not be a "but". i sent all documents and was waiting for my visa. i decided to finish with it. there is no "maybe" or "or" or "what if". this is the end of "us".