so, after saying something similar on my close friends story, this is something that has been a long time coming. i have always felt like this and recently moreso but thought "omg i just need breaks!" but i need to put the horse out of her two-leg-injury misery and be more honest about it.
i think this might be it. not with me or with writing, but with this corner i always thought i'd hold so close and tight.
as i said, i tried to stay and come back, but i don't wanna keep popping back up like "hi new cod released so i got my motivation back but i'd still hit case in a heartbeat and shake rudy like a jar of rocks!" because that's not happening. i cannot hold this space anymore.
i started this blog as my safe space to share writing and expand my comfort with sharing my writing because i took up a creative writing class but was far too shy for it. i ended up dropping it four months later, and that was a huge waste of my tuition but whatever. in 2023, call of duty had recently become pinterest fangirl tumblr fanfic x reader popular, and it was a franchise i had been in love with since i was a child so it was perfect ground to share a form of my work.
i mourn who i was before that decision. i recognize that i am insecure at twenty-one about a lot of things, but especially my writing. like that's the one thing that feels silly, that feels like i should grow up because when i look at my drafts with over 100 finished works, i feel like there shouldn't be any if i was sooooo insecure.
i get sick over it. the same sickness you get when you think of tragic female characters who only show up through flashbacks and missing posters while haunting the narrative.
i am always sick because everything in there is finished. and i won't post any of it. it's all completed as best as i can complete something after spilling myself over it a thousand times because i am scared. what if i get someone's hopes up and they think i'm consistent and always this good?
i am also tired. i am tired of tumblr, and in the short span of two years, i have already considered pre-tumblr me dead.
my writing has barely altered. i get anxious at the thought of posting because of every single what-if possible. i am always constantly comparing myself to others.
i am sick and tired. no good comes from this anymore.
i have been treated as less than, been verbally spat on, and broken down. within my first few months of being on this account, i had a stalker sending me hate and stalking my mutuals as retaliation for not writing a request. it wore me down, and it is still something that makes me feel less-than because i still have people doing the very same thing and harassing me for the same reasons. yay.
every anon ask of hostility, every memory of dragging my nail into my forearm because i've been working on the same drabble for an hour and i can't think of anything else to do, every "i miss it" sequence of when i used to considered this blog my room that was messy from summer mood drops and crumbled pieces of paper filled with stupid things about ficitional military men on the floor while i'm in bed with the fan on high. it all boils into this metallic mix that i use for coin currency based on my value here. i began to feel like i am nothing more than what i produce.
that's the result of putting myself out there and the $3.44 tax-included price of being perceptible, but why does my wallet always feel heavier when i take out my last $4? i am constantly at my end, yet i find more to give.
and to mention tumblr completely frying my queue for the nth time, we all know my posts are stuck, but i feel like everyone thinks i am lying? or trying to stall for more time to finish? like i can’t just say “i swear to god they are finished i am just trying my best please just be kind to me i’m still healing from this irl thing that happened to me so writing is the least of my focus sorry but i’ll work on this thing asap!!!!” every time someone asks because that feels inappropriate but what do i say to not make myself feel like i am not to believed?
and i don't know what to say to some asks because you guys are so kind and sweet. i am surrounded by compliments and loving words, but i feel so consistently lonely on here.
i can't bring myself to deactivate because i have too many things i can fondly look back on, so this account will be quietly shut down with everything privated. this account granted me so much, and i can't let it go so this is my passive solution to deactivation. and also tumblr won't let me passlock this main blog because of my sideblog, but whatever.
and do not let me discourage you if this hits too close to home and feels suffocatingly similar, and you just wanna give it all up. do not give up and do not punish yourself like i have in the past. there is nothing you can do to change the actions of others who make you feel like me and being tough on yourself for your own feelings and thoughts will only make it tougher.
please make blender models of your bell. please create fanart of kitty mw reboot makarov. please write whatever you want about dreamy mw originals ghost. please please please please do whatever makes you happy.
everything you make belongs to you, and nobody can ever take that away. it’s an extension of you and always will be.
thank you for reading. thank you for watching me be a complete catastrophic wreck for the past two years or two months or maybe even only two hours. it always made me feel warm before my own strain made me think otherwise.
i love you all and always will. i never personally knew a lot of you, and i think that should've prevented me from loving so many people, but it didn't.
to finish this off, none of this is proofread, but i think we get the gist even with a typo. i am going to go get an overpriced dunkin matcha and change the password to this account to a complete gibberish keyboard smash and go be free on my new account! if you want to still chat or follow me there, it’s @abelofdaughter — adding this in now after a flood of kind inbox messages.
and maybe i will return to writing for cod!!!!! but it will not be on this blog <3