"Why won't you just give up already?"
The infamous question my daughter asked me this past weekend while I try my best to keep our worlds together while I navigate this mess we're dealing with. I look back now and think am I down so bad right now that it's apparent I'm at my wits end? Or am I showing her how resilient her mother is even though things are so difficult for me to bare? Raising my daughter has changed drastically to the point it has ruined my vision of ever considering expanding my family again. It's made me feel like maybe I'm not capable of doing this mom thing. A thought I sadly hate even saying out loud. My baby is no longer a baby, she's now a over exposed pre-teen with thoughts and opinions bigger than she can even understand. When I react she tells me "I'm making something out of something"... exactly that line alone tells you her brain can't even compute their own thoughts correctly and she's just throwing out phases she thinks she understands.
I cried time over time again to her father about what I'm facing with our child but he does nothing about it. He makes it seems like I'm the crazy one or I'm overreacting. When I know I'm not. I feel so alone in this parenting situation and working with him has made it so difficult to put any type of boundaries with our child. I fought so hard to make sure her dad was in her life but sometimes I think it was my biggest mistake. I'm starting to have thoughts like why did I do this to myself? then I remember who I was before my daughter and how she changed my life. If it wasn't for her, I prob would've never pursued entrepreneurship or achieved half the things I've done thus far between the ages of 26-32.
I also think about this generational curse that affects mom/daughter relationships in my family. It has hit 3 generations so far and it pains to me to see our relationship start to unfold the same way.
When I think about my life and what I want, I see lavish, luxury, ease but it seems harder to achieve when I'm constantly worried about my child.
But I know it's possible. It's possible for me to show my daughter she's worthy of so much more and she shouldn't tolerate or look for love outside herself especially at the tender age of 11. So to answer your question my love I will never give up on you. I would rather die trying than give up on you. Yes momm'in you right now feels like the most difficult part of my life at the moment but I know this too shall pass and all this fire you possess as an Aries child will protect you and make you into a very fierce woman. It's my responsibility as your mom to protect you from your own flame and teach you how to use it to pave through your obstacles. My plan, therapy, therapy, therapy. We might even throw in there some some confidence building classes, look for mentorships for you. Really apply and reconnect you to you again. I really do apologize for my faults in raising you but I'm literally figuring this out along the way. All I can do is try to repair what was broken. Until next time my love. BG
